Friday Funnies November 30 07

World’s Worst Book Titles
“Letting It Go: a History of American Incontinence,”
“The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification”
“Everything You’ll Need to Remember About Alzheimer’s.”
“Throw Me a Bone — What Happens When You Marry an Archaeologist
"The Care And Feeding Of Stuffed Animals"
“The Good Loo Guide — Where To Go In London"
What Were They On, Man?
And the winner is a Disney book, “Cooking with Pooh” (Winnie, that is)

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Morris and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake occurred at 3 AM. As soon as morning came, the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened. As he was reading the newspaper, another gentlemen stepped up and ask him if he had felt the earthquake during the night. "I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland, and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down on us." The guy asks, "What were you doing during the earthquake?" "Gee, I was having the best sexual performance of my life as that earthquake was happening." "Is that right?" "And what did your wife think about it?" Morris said, "Well, it damn near woke her up!"

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "Just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway ... about 30 yards. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and put it in your hand and let’s go for distance."

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn’t believe someone would fuck you twice." "Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.".

A Jewish woman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her."Hi, honey," he says. "Want a little company?" "Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!

MILITARY MANUALS WIT & WISDOM:

"If the Enemy is in range, so are you."- Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area, you just bombed"- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Aim towards the Enemy" - Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr.Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground."- USAF Ammo Troop

"Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."- General MacArthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me." - U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt. (Mgysgt5)

"Tracers work both ways."- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds"- Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."- David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."- unknown

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."- Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."

'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.'- USAF Ammo Troop

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel, is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more Planes in the Ocean than Submarines in the Sky."- From an Old Carrier Sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a Helicopter -- and therefore,unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left, to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a Pilot screws up, the Pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies."

"Never trade Luck for Skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are We?" and "Oh SHIT!"

'Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.'

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we've never left one up there!"

'Flashlights are tubular metal containers, kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.'

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it.'

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

'A pilot who doesn't have any fear, probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.' - Jon McBride, astronaut

'If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing, as far into the crash as possible.' - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire, when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

'Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.'

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be
recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'


As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'. The Pilot's reply, 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

When was the last time the Leafs won the Stanley Cup and who’s about to be their former GM? Shon Vergessen!

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' ('Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.') The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English.' The Amish man says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'

A Hassidic family was most concerned that their 30-year-old son was unmarried. So they called a marriage broker and asked him to find their son a good wife. The broker came over and spent a long time asking many questions of the son and his parents as to what they wanted in a wife/daughter-in-law. They gave him a long shopping list of requirements. It took the marriage broker a long time to look for a suitable match. Finally he asked to visit the family again. He told them of a wonderful woman he had found. He said: she is just the right age for the son, she keeps a glatt kosher home, she regularly attends shul and knows davens by heart, she is a wonderful cook, she loves children and wants a large family and, to crown it all off, she is drop dead gorgeous! After hearing all this, the family was very impressed and began to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future. But the son paused and asked, "Is she also good In bed?" The marriage broker answered, "Some say yes... some say no”

A group of Israelis land at Heathrow. At passport control the first in line is asked, "Country of origin?" He replies, "Israel." "Occupation?" "No, we're only staying for a few days."

Goldie the Yenta, a self-appointed monitor of the Shul's morals, was forever sticking her nose in to other people's business. Most members didn’t like it, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Moishe, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his car parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told him it was a shunde and that everyone seeing it there would know what type of life he was leading. Moishe, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked quietly away. Later that evening, he parked his car in front of Goldie's house...walked home...and left it there all night. You gotta love Moishe!