Frioday Funnies February 8 08

"John McCain says that he's been tested, re-tested and tested again. And that's just his prostate." --Jay Leno

"All the candidates are out there stumping like it's November. Do you know why campaigns call it stumping? Anybody know? You know where it comes from? It's interesting. It's called stumping because when you ask them, 'When are we getting out of Iraq,' they're stumped. 'How about health care?' They're stumped. 'The economy?' Stumped." --Jay Leno

"A company here in Los Angeles is making dolls of all these current political figures. ... They're not like normal dolls where you pull the string and the dolls talk. These are a little different. These, you have to make a large donation to their campaign and then the dolls will say and do whatever you want." --Jay Leno

"How about the (Super Bowl) commercials? There's some good ones. How about the one, mytalkingstain.com? ... A stain that can talk. This sounds like Bill Clinton's worst nightmare, doesn't it?" --Jay Leno

"You know what's amazing about Los Angeles? This city never fails to amaze me. Last week, Governor Schwarzenegger was in town. All the Republican candidates were here. All the Democratic candidates were here. All with secret service protection. And all put together, they still had less of a motorcade than Britney Spears going to the hospital." --Jay Leno

"This past weekend was Groundhog Day. ... I like Groundhog Day. I mean, it's nice to see something coming out of a hole in a ground that's not running for president." --Jay Leno

"We had Senator John McCain on the show last night. If he wins, he would be the oldest president ever to take office. But the good news, at 71, he would be eligible for pre-boarding on Air Force One." --Jay Leno

"Last night, Hillary and Obama debated at the Kodak Theatre. The camera showed so many celebrities in the audience, I thought I was watching a Lakers game. ... Hillary and Obama. Is it just me or did they look like the local weekend news anchor team? 'Over to you, Hillary. That is a lot of puppies. Thank you.'" --Bill Maher

"This is who the Democrats brought out last night -- James Bond was there, Leo DiCaprio, Diane Keaton, Steven Spielberg. Now, not to be outdone, this was who John McCain was campaigning with last week -- Wilford Brimley, the Quaker Oats dude. They are a little celebrity challenged. John McCain must have said to his staff, 'Find me someone who makes me look young. Make up a short list of people who are older than me.' And they said, 'Sir, that is a short list. Joan Rivers doesn't want to do it, and we're not sure if Abe Vigoda is dead.'" --Bill Maher

"Anybody see the Republican debate last night? ... Nasty, nasty debate, at one point, Mitt Romney got so upset, so agitated, so worked up, that his hair cracked." --David Letterman

"The Democratic debate was a tag-team format, you had Hillary and Bill versus Obama and Oprah. The debate took place in Hollywood, and Hillary arrived wearing a sequined pant suit." --David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has endorsed John McCain. Arnold made his announcement in primitive sign language from his cage." --David Letterman

"The Republican race is now down to McCain and Romney. Interesting two guys, you got the guy who spent five years in a prison camp versus the guy who spent five years in the tanning booth." --Jay Leno

"I guess you know John Edwards is out, to which Senator Larry Craig said, 'He's gay?' ... Of course, Edwards dropping out came as a huge shock. I mean, even his hairdresser didn't know for sure" --Jay Leno
After Chelsea Clinton returned home from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?" Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

Oldie Goldie
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain, "Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked,
blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor! No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my
Gosh!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in. "Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted!

I saw a billboard that read: "Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-3787" So out of curiosity I did. Twenty minutes later a Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"

So this guy goes with a prostitute, puts $50 on the table and whips out an 18 inch dick. The hooker says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that in me." The man puts his dick back in his pants, picks up his $50 and says, "Forget it, I can do that myself!"

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "And what’s your disability?" I said, "Tourettes, you fucking cunt!"

Don’t you just love statistics. For example, statistically, nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well in that case," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video - it's fucking hilarious!

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's that pretty, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto "We love to fly and it shows". The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto "Winning the hearts of the world". Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto "Going beyond expectations". The woman looks at him and says "What the fuck do you want?" "Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "EL-AL".

A Newfie fisherman sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real fisherman?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life overhauling my boat, cleaning and repairing my nets, going out to sea at five every morning, throwing out my nets, catching the fish, hauling them home, selling the haul, cleaning my boat, so I guess I am a fisherman." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old Newfie and asked, "Are you a real fisherman?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that haunted me all of my days on earth...Am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?' St Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer'. So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know - am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?' God simply replied 'You are what you are.' The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?' The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'you are what you are' St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, that answers it you are a white horse with black stripes.' The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that?' 'Because,' said St. Peter, 'if you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said 'You is what you is'.

After a very busy week, I had very romantic plans for the weekend. On Friday night I broached the thought with my wife, who promptly said, "Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I've got to do all of this laundry. Another time, please." On Saturday night, I tried again, and my wife said, "Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn't be any good. I've got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check." By Sunday night I just wanted to salvage the weekend. "How about it?" I asked impatiently. Whereupon my wife snapped, "This is the third night in a row you've asked. What are you? Some kind of sex maniac?"

In a novelty shop I was checking out some men’s boxer shorts with movie titles on the fly. I was trying to decide between ones that said, ’Lethal Weapon’ and ‘Free Willy’ when my wife suggested I might better consider ‘Get Shorty’ or ‘Gone In Sixty Seconds’.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started Catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Two guys from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada were sick of winter, so they flew down under to Australia. When they got off the plane--still wearing their down jackets, wool hats and snow boots--they wandered into a pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies, Bruce, walked over to the visitors and said "G'day, mates. Where ya from?" "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canucks replied. "So where are they from?" the other locals asked Bruce, Don't know, replied Bruce. "They don't speak English."

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it is absolutely true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other. 'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idjiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

There's a show on C-SPAN about presidential libraries. Here're what the draft plans for the George W. Bush Library now call for:
The Alberto Gonzales Room - Where you can't remember any of the exhibits.
The Hurricane Katrina Room - It's still under construction.
The Texas Air National Guard Room - Where you don't have to even show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room - Where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room - Where they don't let you out.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room - Nobody has been able to find it.
The War in Iraq Room - After you complete your first tour, they can force you to go back for your second and third and fourth and fifth tours.
The K-Street Project Gift Shop - Where you can buy an election, or, if no one cares, steal one.
The Men's Room - Where you could meet a Republican Senator (or two).
To be fair, the President has done some good things, and so the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them. When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.


A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard & probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge "We'd like to see the president," the man said softly. "He will be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We will wait," the lady replied. For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted. "Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him. He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him: "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus." The president wasn't touched. He was shocked. "Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died.. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery." "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and the homespun suit. Do you know how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now. The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr. And Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.
A TRUE STORY by Malcolm Forbes. I hope to keep this in mind whenever I start to judge.

Last week’s poem was about rushing and wasting time. It prompted someone to send this which has a similar theme.

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.

Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Jim died today.'
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them. Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.