Friday Funnies October 12 07

"Today, the judge denied Craig the chance to withdraw his guilty plea. So, it's official, he's stuck being gay. ... Actually ... the judge came down pretty hard on Senator Craig. He said he can't withdraw his guilty plea, he has to give his memorabilia back to O.J., and his kids have to go live with Kevin Federline." --Jay Leno

"In fact, Republicans are so mad about him staying, they may ask Cheney to take him out back and shoot him." --Jay Leno

"While out on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney says that Republicans have to start acting like Republicans. I don't know, last week they avoided a debate with black people. You can't get more Republican than that." --Jay Leno

"The FBI is concerned that the mafia may go into business with al Qaeda. That's scary, isn't it? Wake up and find a goat head in your bed, that would be awful. In fact, they made al Qaeda an offer they couldn't refuse -- 72 hookers in this life." --Jay Leno

"How about that Hillary Clinton and her fundraising? Isn't it amazing? She is a fundraising machine. I mean, honest to God, $80 million. Now, according to New York law, $12 million of that goes to Leona Helmsley's dog" --David Letterman

"President Bush's daughter Jenna is now saying she doesn't want to get married at the White House. She wants her wedding to be in Crawford, Texas. When asked why, Jenna said, 'I want my dad to be there.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of politics, Hillary has a big lead in the Democratic race for president. ... Political insiders are speculating that if Hillary Clinton wins the nomination, she may choose a Hispanic running mate. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton yelled, 'How 'bout Salma Hayek?'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Iraqi government has ordered $100 million worth of weapons made in China. An Iraqi official said, 'We're hoping China makes weapons that are half as deadly as their toys.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Do you realize Arizona wasn't even a state the last time the Cubs won the World Series? To give you an idea of how long ago that was, Fred Thompson was still married to his first wife." --Jay Leno

"Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'" --Jay Leno

"There's a new medical device that allows doctors to non-invasively view your colon on a television screen. The device is called a virtual colonoscopy. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, 'A PlayStation'" --Jay Leno

"Tonight's Republican debate will be the first one that former Senator Fred Thompson will attend. Thompson says he wanted to attend the previous debates, but he got stuck driving his wife to cheerleading practice." --Conan O'Brien

"This was Fred Thompson's first debate. Remember Fred Thompson from the show 'Law & Order'? Also, Rudy Giuliani, remember him from the TV show 'Cheaters'?" -Jay Leno

The top 10 unintentionally worst company internet addresses
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company... www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their wacky website: www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

A rich businessman was vacationing in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood in a big long queue with a rather expensive suit on - hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was, and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right past the businessman, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a homeless man, leans over and whispered something in the man's ear, and made his way on again. The businessman was shocked. So he immediately goes into town and buys a more expensive suit. The following day he again waits for the Pope, and again the Pope walks right past him only to kneel down and whisper something in the homeless man's ear. This infuriated the important businessman, so he offers the homeless man $1,000 dollars for his rumpled clothing. Of course, the homeless man accepts. So the third day, the businessman dressed in the homeless man's filthy clothes, works himself into the line of people waiting to see the Pope. The Pope makes his way slowly up through the crowd and when he finally reached him, leans over and spoke softly into the businessman's ear, "I thought I told you to fuck off twice already."

Last night I was so depressed that I rang Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "Honey," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'."

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees."I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Tourist: $5
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer:$15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 (Canuck menu – Baked Liberal or Grilled Conservative)
The cannibal asked to see the cook and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politicians?' The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?' Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?' 'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you"... The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work when they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up - she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd! What the fuck is a piñata?!"

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"

Oldie - A Little English Humour (and one of my late father-in-law Nat's favourites, which he told with great joy and a delightful accent on the part of the English gentleman);
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.