Friday Funnies September 28 08

"Yesterday at Columbia University, it was 'Take Your Insane Dictator To Work Day.' There was a lot of controversy about letting the Iranian president speak here in the United States, much less at a university. I have to admit, I didn't like it. ... I mean, if he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way ... you win an Academy Award." --Jay Leno

"As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things yesterday. My favorite is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, today, Idaho Senator Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission." --Jay Leno

"How about that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? What a guy this guy is, huh? According to this guy, he says there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre." --David Letterman

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Iranian President ... is coming to New York, but he's been denied permission to go to Ground Zero in New York City. He wanted to go to Ground Zero. I got an idea. Is there any way we can bring Ground Zero to him?" --Jay Leno

"Tourists are flocking to Minneapolis to the bathroom where Senator Larry Craig was arrested. It's like a tourist attraction. People are actually going to the airport now to see it. In fact, today Senator Craig called it 'The Happiest Place On Earth.' They have a sign at the door: 'Your stance must be this wide to get in.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday during a speech, Jesse Jackson criticized Barack Obama, and said Obama's been acting like he's white. Obama said Jackson's comments were hurtful, and they completely ruined his night at the Jimmy Buffett concert." --Conan O'Brien

"O.J. is back on the loose. He was released on a $125,000 bail today in Las Vegas. O.J. has been charged with 10 felonies, including robbery with a deadly weapon and kidnapping. He could get life in prison for all this. Isn't that something? You kill two people, you get nothing -- but steal your own football jersey, you go away for life." --Jimmy Kimmel

"O.J. Simpson's lawyer objected to O.J. being held without bail. He said if he was anyone besides O.J., he would have been released by now. If he was anyone but O.J., he'd be serving life for double murder right now." --Jay Leno

"Senator John Kerry was heckled while giving a speech, and the heckler had to be subdued with a taser gun. When reached for comment, the man said being tasered in the chest was still better than sitting through an entire Kerry speech." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of John Kerry, a University of Florida student was tasered after asking John Kerry about the 2004 election. ... I believe this is the first time anyone's ever been electrified at a John Kerry speech." --Jay Leno

"When Scott Pelley ... on '60 Minutes' told Mahmoud Ahmadinejad that the American people would be very insulted if he visited Ground Zero, the Iranian President disagreed. He said, 'No. There are 300 million people in America with many different points of view. As opposed to Iran, which has 70 million people who aren't allowed any point of view.'" --Jay Leno

"Iran's president wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero, but his critics said, 'No, no. You are trying to exploit Ground Zero for political gain, and that is Rudy Giuliani's job.'" --Bill Maher

John and Bob were two of the bitterest golf rivals at the club. Neither man trusted the others arithmetic. One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob, what, d you have? Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. Six!" he said and then hastily corrected himself. No - a five." Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud "Eight!" "Eight?" Bob said, "I couldn't have had eight." John said, "nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five. But actually you had seven." "Then why did you mark down eight?" asked Bob. John told him, "one stroke penalty,' for improving your lie.'"

I had just written the word Banana when much to my amazement the letters suddenly rearranged themselves to spell the word Abanan. Asking my teacher to explain this, she said: "It's either a case of consonantal drift or you've just had a vowel movement"

"When my husband finally gave in and began to clean out his dresser drawers, he discovered a bunch of socks that didn't match. As I looked at them, I noted that most of them had holes in them. "Land's sakes, man !" I exclaimed. "How long have you had these things?" "Since before we were married," he admitted. "I guess you could say that I had a lot of premarital socks!"

A young boy is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court, the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime. "Well, what have you to say in your defense?" asked the judge. "Only that I'm sorry your honor." replied the now contrite boy. "Hrmph, you don't look sorry to me. Therefore I sentence you to 3 years hard labor, starting immediately." said the judge "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!" proclaimed the astonished boy. "Consider yourself lucky." admonished the judge. "It could have been life boy."

Billy Connolly's take on the terrorists hitting Glasgow..."Good old Glasgow. If I had to pick a city in the world where I could depend on one of the locals to kick a man who was on fire, it would always be Glasgow. That really had to hurt - 90% burns and sore bollocks... I think we should get a photo of that guy KICKING A FLAMING MAN, blow it up and make it the welcome sign at Glasgow Airport. Underneath we should have the words 'Glasgow Welcomes Careful Drivers'...I love the naivety of al-Qaeda. For trying to bring a religious war to Glasgow. You're 400 years too late guys!! You've not even got a Football Team for Christ's sake... I think that we should give Partick Thistle to al-Qaeda. If only for the joy of hearing them read out their team sheet on Saturday...The Sun last week urged us all to respond to the attack by flying the Union Jack. Really, in Glasgow that's never been a great way of getting your insurance premiums down...If we play this whole terrorism thing right, we could get al-Qaeda to blow up some of Scotland's eyesores. I think we should definitely start putting signs up round Shettleston's high flats that say 'Financial Quarter'...For a while, confusion reigned at Glasgow airport. Was it a terrorist attack or just Richard Hammond turning up late for check-in?People say it was lucky they didn't crash into a fuel container. I say it's lucky they didn't hit the queue coming out of Duty Free – the whole place would have gone up like Hiroshima...The best bit is being told that hundreds of people were saved from being hideously burnt...these were Scottish people flying to Spain! They'll come back looking like they've been bungee jumping off the lip of a volcano!"

A School teacher was testing the children in her class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked them: "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now she was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked. Again, they all answered, "NO!" She was just bursting with pride for them." Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN' DEAD!"

A Newfie goes down to the Grand Bank wharf looking for work and comes up to this captain of a fishing boat and says " Hey Capt'n got any work for me?" The captain gives him a 28 page job application and says "Fill this out and bring it back to me". So 2 days later the Newfie brings it back and gives it to the captain. The captain takes a quick look at it and says "OK, you're hired; now go on board and find something to do." Just then, this Japanese guy comes up to the captain and says "Lookie wok, need wok." The captain tells him "OK you're hired." The Newfie is standing right there and asks the captain "Hey, you made me fill out a 28 page job application and you just hired this guy like that, why? Captain replies "He's got an honest face" The Newfie sighs and walks onto the boat, right upset. A few days later, they're out to sea and the Newfie is up in the crow's nest looking for icebergs and the Japanese guy is down mopping the deck. Just then, this great big wave comes along and washes the Japanese guy overboard. The Newfie gets down out of the crow's nest and walks into the captain's office and tells him "Remember that Japanese guy you hired with the honest face? Well, he just fucked off with your mop!"

Q: Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? A: He was too far out, man!

Q: Did you hear about the Beatles re-union tour? A: The shows were good but there was no John
Q: What does Yoko Ono and Ethiopians have in common? A: They both live off of dead Beatles!

Q: What do you call a hippie's wife? A: Mississippi

Q: What did the hippie say after the drugs wore off? A: 'Man, this music sucks!'

Q: How do you know a hippy has been staying at your house? A: He's still there.

An accountant and his client had a question involving her tax return, so they did a three-way call to the Internal Revenue Service. After getting transferred and transferred again, they were met with music on hold while waiting. It was Tchaikovsky's Waltz of the Flowers. The accountant started laughing at the irony of being on hold for the IRS while listening to the Nutcracker.

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life. As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities. One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven." God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell." So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde. The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad." God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

And now a couple for the distaff side:

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around
and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

A female friend insists this is the fairy tale that should have been read to little girls when she was growing up:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. " That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself, “ I don't fuckin’ think so.”

A Texan, a Frenchman and a Canadian were out riding horses. The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a shot, then another, and suddenly threw the bottle in the air, pulled out his gun, and shot the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looked at him and asked, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan said, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey, and bottles are cheap." A while later, the Frenchman, not wanting to be out done, pulled out a bottle of expensive wine, took a few sips, threw the bottle in the air, pulled out his gun and shot it. The Canadian couldn't believe this and asked, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine!" The Frenchman said "In France, there's plenty of wine and bottles are cheap." A while later the Canadian pulled out a bottle of Molson Canadian. He opened it, took a sip, then another, and then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned around, and shot the Frenchman. The Texan, shocked, asked "Why did you do that?" The Canadian answered, "Well, in Canada, we have plenty of Frenchmen, but beer bottles are worth a dime."