Friday Funnies March 21 08

"And this 22-year-old brunette prostitute, Ashley Alexandra Dupre -- that's a hooker name if you ever heard one -- the one that got caught with the governor, she's now talking about writing a book. A book. So guys, let that be a lesson to you. Whenever you hire a prostitute, always go for the blondes. No chance of her writing a book." --Jay Leno'

"In New York City yesterday, David Paterson was sworn in as the new governor of New York. He is legally blind, as opposed to outgoing governor Eliot Spitzer, who is really, really short-sighted." --Jay Leno

"And I love this. On his first day, the governor admitted to having an affair. Actually, having a couple of affairs. Yeah. See, I think it's great to combine your swearing in speech with your 'I cheated on my wife' speech. That way the wife only has to stand beside you one time." --Jay Leno

"Actually, his wife admitted to having an affair, too. Did you see that? Finally, a wife of a politician who doesn't just stand there when her husband cheats. She goes out and does it, too." --Jay Leno

"And now on Monday, right after being sworn in, the new governor of New York, David Paterson, he announces that he cheated on his wife. I'm thinking, this guy didn't waste any time, did he?" --David Letterman

"And now and not a minute too soon, there's a quiz that you can take to tell if your spouse is cheating. Question number one: Is your spouse a governor?" --David Letterman

"Did you see Cheney on the news, sitting with the troops having breakfast? Did you see the breakfast in front of him? The plate was loaded with sausage, bacon, eggs. Who put that meal together? al Qaeda? Was that their plan? Wait for his heart to explode when he's in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of that, this week marks the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war and the third anniversary of 'Mission Accomplished.' ... Remember critics saying, oh, the war was just about oil so we could keep the price of gasoline cheap? That worked out well, didn't it? Now we're the ones with shock and awe." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney also paid a surprise visit to Iraq. And Cheney is very popular in the Middle East. I mean, he flashes them that nice, warm sneer and they just go crazy. And in that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman

"A lot of American dignitaries visiting the Middle East. Senator McCain, running for president, is in Iraq. ... Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as Mesopotamia." --David Letterman

"Anybody got one of these yet, the new redesigned $5 bill? It's out, new $5 bill. It has several new features. One of the new features, it's only worth $3." --Jay Leno

"The dollar has fallen fast on the world market. In fact, there has now been a request to take 'In God We Trust' off the bill. The request came from God." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, the young lady has been identified as Ashley Dupre. That doesn't sound like a hooker name, does it? No. She says she doesn't want to be thought of as a monster. She can also play a Catholic schoolgirl, a nurse, a dominatrix, any number of things." --Jay Leno

"The escort service that sent Eliot Spitzer this hooker on the train from New York to Washington -- this was in the paper yesterday -- told her he might ask for something that wasn't safe. He already did. He put her on Amtrak." --Jay Leno

"Even Bill Clinton was upset that Spitzer went to a hotel. He said, 'Come on, get a desk! What's the matter with you?'" --Jay Leno

"Did you know Governor Spitzer still has, apparently, a $2,000 credit with the escort service. To which the incoming governor said, 'Does that carry over to the new governor?'" --Jay Leno

"And Geraldine Ferraro has left Hillary Clinton's campaign. She's no longer working for Hillary. She's got a new job in radio now. She's the new sidekick for Don Imus." --Jay Leno

"More details are starting to come out about the $5,000 prostitute. Her name's Ashley Alexandra Dupre. She's a 22-year-old aspiring musician. I believe she is classically trained on the flute." --Jay Leno

"Here's what's going to happen with her. She's going to pose naked for Playboy, she'll do a season of 'Celebrity Apprentice,' maybe a 'Surreal Life,' then she'll top it off by having a baby with Pauly Shore." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Shocking news out of New York this week. Turns out the whistleblower was having his whistle blown." --Amy Poehler

"During a short press conference Monday, in which New York Governor Eliot Spitzer apologized for his involvement in a prostitution ring, his wife, Silda, stood by his side -- apparently, to make sure there’s no prostitute under the podium." --Amy Poehler

"So, you have this triangle, the governor, his wife and this hooker. Or, as they're calling themselves, You, Me and Dupre." --Jay Leno

The name of this prostitute service is The Emperor's Club, sounds better than Whore House, doesn't it? ... On the website, they rank the girls from one to seven diamonds. The diamonds represent how many you have to buy for your wife after you get caught." --Jay Leno

"You know how the governor got caught? Through wiretaps. You see, Democrats get caught in sex scandals through wiretapping. Republicans get caught in sex scandals through foot tapping." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, has resigned. In his resignation speech, Spitzer said, 'To whom much has been given, much is expected.' Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000 hooker." --Jay Leno

"The new governor of New York will be a man named David Paterson, who is legally blind. Yeah, he is. He is legally blind. The way it will work with him is, you see, he'll just have the woman talk dirty to him over the phone." --Jay Leno

"He will be the first visually impaired governor in the history of the United States. See, a lot of people thought Bill Clinton was the first blind governor, because he hit on Paula Jones." --Jay Leno

"Spitzer's going be out of office, he's going to be looking for a job, and I'm thinking, 'Whoa, isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place?'" --David Letterman

"The big news today that we need to discuss, the identity of Governor Eliot Spitzer's prostitute ... has been revealed. The prostitute that Eliot Spitzer had his affair with is apparently a young woman from New Jersey. When asked why she slept with New York's ex-governor, she said, 'Because New Jersey's ex-governor is into guys.'" --Conan O'Brien

"No, it turns out this woman is also a singer. You can hear her song on MySpace. She doesn't have a bad voice. Although, today, the governor said, 'You know something, you really got to see her perform live.'" --Jay Leno

"Now everybody's trying to get an interview with her. Right now, she said she's going to lay low and focus on her next step, marrying Paul McCartney." --Jay Leno

Paul McCartney finally has an end to his divorce proceedings with Heather Mills. The divorce settlement is reported to be approx 50 million dollars, and they were married for approx 4 years. Let’s see - 24 hrs per day x 7 days = 168 hours 168 hrs x 52 weeks = 8736 hours 8736 x 4 years = 34944 hours. 50,000,000 divided by 34944 = $1,430.86 per hour! Not quite as good as Ashley Alexandra Dupre, but Heather had a longer gig. Paul was apparently so happy to be rid of the gold-digger that he gave her a parting gift – a plane – and for the other leg, a Lady Philishave!

In honour of St. Patrick’s Day last Monday:

What's an Irish seven course meal? A six-pack and a potato.

Why did the Irishman cross the road? To pass out in the other ditch.

"Dad," asked the kid, "can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?" "Aw son, here's twenty dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl."

Woman: "Help, help, an Irishman tried to rape me!" Cop: "How do you know he was Irish?" Woman: "I had to help him."

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wishes they were Irish!

Paddy was in New York patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would then allow traffic to resume, once again. The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. Paddy the altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell Father Flanagan what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, Father Flanagan says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man? 'Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water.' (By the way, do you know how they make holy water? They take normal everyday water and boil the hell out of it!)

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes." The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout." POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?" The Irishman smiles and looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these!"

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he is unshakable!" The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The Englishman walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said..."I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me."

One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?" The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week." "She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself." "No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled the cunt."

How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital ward? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan.

Why did God invent whiskey? So the Irish would never rule the world.

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains." The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er." The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?" When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure." the Newfie states, cocksure. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?" The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a Shit behind it eh?." He got the job and is now the foreman!

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. ..... Now, how about that drink?"

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane. "At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother and the new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnny.' Johnny said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnny, 'cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses.

There was old guy named Lee,
Who was stung in the balls by a bee,
He made oodles of money,
By oozing pure honey,
Every time he attempted to pee.

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in gasoline and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat shoved up his ass.

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?' All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?' There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?' The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down?' She replied, 'Up.' This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now, today, nothing!' She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown!

Found on Craigs List
Date: 2007-11-02, 5:03PM EDT
Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for a dog, we have been notified by breed rescue that, at long last, our number has come up and ... WE ARE HAVING A PUPPY!
We must get rid of our children IMMEDIATELY because we just know how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be and it just wouldn't be fair to the children. Since our little puppy will be arriving on Monday we MUST place the children up for adoption this weekend!
They are described as:
One male -- his name is Tommy, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), light blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Temperament tested. Does have problems with peeing directly in the toilet. Has had chicken Pox and is current on all shots. Tonsils have already been removed. Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little training he should be able to read soon.
One female -- her name is Lexie, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), strawberry blonde hair, green eyes quite freckled. Two years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Has been temperament tested but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and can be affectionate. Gets along well with other little girls and little boys but does not like to share her toys and therefore would do best in a one child household. She is a very quick learner and is currently working on her house training. Shouldn't take long at all.
We really do LOVE our children so much and want to do what's right for them. That is why we contacted a rescue group. But we simply can no longer keep them. Also, we are afraid that they may hurt our new puppy.
I hope you understand that ours is a UNIQUE situation and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed into your rescue by Sunday night at the latest or we will be forced to drop them off at the orphanage or along some dark, country road. Our priority now has to be our new puppy

NO - it's NOT OK to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.

After failing his "Logistics and Organization" exam, a student confronted his professor. "Sir, do you understand anything about this subject?" "Of course. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" "Really? Then allow me to ask you one question. If you answer it correctly, I'll accept my failing grade and leave quietly. But if you don't know the answer, I want an 'A' on my exam." "Okay. It's a deal. What's your question?" "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" After long consideration, the professor conceded and changed the student's score to an 'A'. Afterwards, the professor asked one of his best students the same question. The good student answered immediately, "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35-year-old woman which is legal but not logical. Your wife has a 22-year-old lover which is logical but not legal. And the fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A' when he should have failed is neither legal nor logical!"

Have you heard of the new book entitled "1001 Sex Secrets Men Should Know?" It contains comments from 1001 different women on how men can be better in bed. I think that women would actually settle for three: Slow down, Turn off the TV, and Call out the right name.

A guy approaches a girl at the bar with an ice cube in his hand. He puts it on the bar in front of her and smashes it with his fist. He says, "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"

Remembering Rodney Dangerfield with a few quotes:
- A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. -
- I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
- I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
- I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
- When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
- I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
- I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
- I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
- If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Important Zen teachings............
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just Piss off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's' milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you Fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

My 10 yr old niece says her prayers every night and instead of "amen", she says "click send."

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour!"

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : “Nothing”
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiry date."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."