Friday Funnies February 29 08

"Well, here's a shocking story. You see this on the news last night? Politics get people so worked up. A man in Pennsylvania stabbed his brother-in-law in the stomach with a knife after they got into a fight over who was a better candidate, Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Stabbed the other one in the stomach. Don't confuse that with Hillary and Barack, they keep stabbing each other in the back. That's totally different." --Jay Leno

"And God bless him, Ralph Nader running for president again. Yeah, yeah! Nader says he's running for president again because the Democrats did not stop President Bush on the war in Iraq and on the tax cuts. Stop him? If Nader hadn't run, there wouldn't have been a President Bush." --Jay Leno

"And speaking of that, President Bush said today that he is very concerned about the acceleration of hostilities in the former Yugoslavia. See, again, I don't think President Bush is really familiar with this region of the world. Like, he said today that violence in Serbia could spread to Suburbia and claim the lives of millions of Suburbanites." --Jay Leno

"You all watch that big Democratic debate last night? ... There will be 65 more to help us make up our mind. But it got a little a little nasty last night. Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton once again accused Barack Obama of plagiarizing his speech from another politician. Yeah, Hillary said plagiarizing is the second worst kind of cheating." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of cheating ... Senator John McCain has been accused of having an affair with a woman who was a lobbyist for a cable television company. During their affair, the cable lobbyist would show up at McCain's house sometime between 8:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m." --Conan O'Brien

"The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it's known among lobbyists, lobbying." --Amy Poehler

"They say this woman works for the telecommunications lobby. Apparently, she called McCain out of the blue and asked, "Are you happy with your current sex provider?" --Jay Leno

"Boy oh boy, did you read about John McCain, ladies and gentlemen? Did you read about John McCain? Oh, well, according to the New York Times now, John McCain may have had an inappropriate relationship with a young blond. That sounds like presidential material to me." --David Letterman

"No, they say this woman traveled around with McCain on his campaign stops, and she also flew aboard his private jet. Do you know what you call a young woman traveling around with a 71-year-old man? A nurse." --Jay Leno

"There was a big story in The New York Times today about Senator John McCain, who's running for president. It questioned his ties to a lobbyist named Vicki Iseman. The story 'hinted' that McCain may have had an extramarital affair with her, but the weird thing is she looks almost exactly like John McCain's wife, Cindy. So he might have just got confused and grabbed the wrong woman. These two look more alike than the Olson twins." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today's New York Times is claiming that John McCain, who is 71 years old, had an inappropriate relationship with a woman who is a Washington lobbyist. The good news is there's no footage. Political experts say this could be a huge scandal for McCain because he's married and the woman he's accused of having an affair with is 31 years younger than he is. In a related story, earlier today McCain was endorsed by Bill Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had another big debate last night. ... It was good. And Clinton accused Obama of plagiarism. Obama denied that what he did was plagiarism. You know, look, I don't want to comment on that. But you've gotta admit, wouldn't it be great to one day have a president that could pronounce words like 'plagiarism'?" --Jay Leno

"They have debated so much that they are now debating about debating. Did you see this? A lot of this debate was about the power of words. Hillary said, 'Actions speak louder than words,' Then Obama said, 'Words can speak as loud as actions.' And then McCain said, 'Speak louder!'" --Bill Maher

"The head of the international obesity task force says that the problem of overeating should be dealt with the same way we deal with global warming. Well, that's perfect. Al Gore could be spokesman for both" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton still doing very well in one state - the state of denial, ladies and gentlemen. Well, after winning 10 in a row, political experts say there's a very good chance that Barack Obama could end up as our next president. See, that shows you the progress we've made in this country. We can have a black man in the White House. I remember when we couldn't get a black man in the cast of 'Friends.'" --Jay Leno

"Scientists now believe that a child's intellectual power, a child's brain power, a child's I.Q., is inherited solely from the mother. All the intelligence of a child comes from the mother. These findings are based on the study of the Bush twins." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if anything happened or not, but I think the rule of thumb should be every year you're in a Vietnamese prison camp, you should be allowed one extramarital affair." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Welcome to "The Tonight Show." Happy Black History Month. Did you know this is Black History Month? If Barack Obama keeps winning, it looks like Hillary could be history." --Jay Leno

"I think the only way Hillary is going to get into the White House now is by using the tunnel that Bill dug to sneak out." --Jay Leno

"Over in Africa, President Bush is being welcomed as a hero in Tanzania. See, that's because President Bush always said one day third world countries would have the same economy as the United States and thanks to his economic plan, now they do." --Jay Leno

"Fidel Castro has resigned as President of Cuba. And true to his word, he always said he would quit being a dictator when it wasn't fun anymore. I guess his heartlessness just wasn't in it anymore." --Jay Leno

"Fidel Castro's stepping down as the leader of Cuba. He'll be replaced by his brother, Raul. It's true, yeah. According to the State Department, Raul Castro is the Jim Belushi of Central America." --Conan O'Brien

"You excited about the big Presidential race? Whoo, how about that Hillary Clinton campaign? You know, they're worried now. They're worried and a little bit nervous. They're campaigning in Texas today. Give you an idea how nervous Hillary is: she showed up in a pantsuit and chaps. And last week, in Wisconsin, she showed up in a cheese pantsuit." --David Letterman

"But here's the deal: Hillary is worried about Bill wandering off in Texas, so today she had him branded and gelded." --David Letterman

"But the United States military is thinking about shooting down Hillary's campaign before it falls to earth and hurts somebody." --David Letterman

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job eight years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and B.S. with his
buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman - you don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.

Gas prices are up again. I now skip Self Serve and go right to Self Pity.

Two doctors, one a psychiatrist, the other a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again. No way. Then came, "Minds and Behinds." Still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again. So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." Everyone loved it.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize that you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy and bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build normal relationships with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention that he has cheated on his wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks that bitch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

A man robs a bank and takes 2 hostages. He asks the first hostage, "did you see me rob the bank". The hostage answers "yes". The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head. Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank. The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did.

One hot summer day, Paddy the Newfie ties his dog under the shade of a tree, and heads into the bar for a cold one. Twenty minutes later, a policeman enters the bar and asks, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?' Paddy says it was his. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. Paddy replies, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under dat shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' says Paddy. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand - your dog wants to have sex!' Paddy looks at the cop and says, 'Well, go right ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask the students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand as says she had an egg. 'E-G-G', she says. 'Very good,' says the teacher. Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T' 'Excellent,' she replies. Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had fuck all,' he says. 'F-U-C-K A-L-L' The teacher is mortified, and scolds Johnny for this rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast. When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny' she says. 'Where does the Ukrainian border lie?' Johnny ponders the question and finally says. 'The Ukrainian boarder lies in bed with my mother. That's why I had fuck all for breakfast'.

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife..."Wife, we're going fishing this weekend. You, me and the dog." The wife grimaces... "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final." "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!" "Right, I'll give you three choices... Either you come fishing with me and the dog, you give me a blow job, or you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again... "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it.. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back... "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, a blow job, or up the ass?" The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind. "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his trollies.... The wife is on her knees doing the business.. she stops...looks up at her Husband... "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes like shit!" "Yes!" says her husband, "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

Oldie Goldie
Two septagenarians, Ethel and Mildred, are talking about sex. Mildred tells Ethel that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style. Ethel thought that this was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, however, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom. 'Ethel!' he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an asshole.'

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says 'Hello.' He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looked into his eyes and calmly replied, 'No, I'm your son's math teacher.'

A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings. "Hello," she says. "Hello," says the male voice at the other end. "I bet you'd really like it if I came around, ripped off your blouse and bra and panties, then threw you to the floor and made hot, sweaty love to you." The Jewish lady replies, "From one 'hello,' you can tell all this?"

-A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
-I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
-Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
-If you steal a clean slate, does it go on the record?
-Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. --Prof. Irwin Corey
-Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
-Why is time such a great healer but such a lousy beautician?
-I always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it.
-No sense being pessimistic ... it wouldn't work anyway.
-Isn't it strange that narrow-minded people are so thick headed?
-It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. --Voltaire

A mainlander was visiting a quaint village in Newfoundland, and got talking to an old man in the local pub. 'And have you lived here all your life, sir?' asked the mainlander. The old Newfie replied, 'Not yet!'

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! We Must Stop This Immediately !
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

Is this is what we have to look forward to:

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my waterspout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave,
For every single morning
It would stand up and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

As I’m getting older I’m finally starting to get the hang of this multitasking thing. This morning I managed to laugh, cough, sneeze, fart and pee, all at the same time!

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, 'How was the trip?' It was great, Dad.' 'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked. 'Oh yeah,' said the son. 'So, tell me, what you learned from the trip?' asked the father. The son answered: I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us; they have friends to protect them.' The boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, ‘Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.'
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! 'Life is too short and friends are too few.'