"Vice President Dick Cheney, 67 years old today. What a party. Friends got together and threw a big party for him, and then Cheney tortured the cake. That was good. Then they all enjoyed playing shoot the tail off the donkey." --David Letterman
"Not only Bush will be out of a gig in about a year, but Cheney will also be out of the office. Don't worry about him. After leaving office, he's got it all lined up. He is going to be doing a one-man show right here on Broadway. A one-man show. It's called 'The Angina Monologues'" --David Letterman
"Congratulations to Senator John McCain, the big winner in Florida. ... You know, this was what they call a GOP-only primary. So McCain had to win over a whole new voter group for him -- Republicans." --Jay Leno
"Actually, it was a tough fight for McCain, because a lot of Florida voters were not sure about him. You know, at age 71, McCain was a lot younger than most Florida Republicans. So they were a little leery that some punk is coming in." --Jay Leno
"It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno
"President Bush gave his big State of Delusion address. ... In our last year's State of the Union speech, President Bush said, 'The economy is on the move.' This year he said, 'Where'd it go?'" --Jay Leno
"It was the annual State of the Union address down in Washington. ... By the way, this is President Bush's last State of the Union address. ... The next State of the Union address will be given by Co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton." --David Letterman
"You know, that's what everybody is worried about. They say that Bill will actually be calling the shots. ... They will be the co-presidents. And I'm thinking this is going to be tremendous. You know what it is going to be like? It's going to be like Regis and Kelly." --David Letterman
"Congratulations to Barack Obama, won big in South Carolina. Today, he picked up the endorsement of the Kennedys. Big endorsement, with Ted Kennedy giving a rousing speech. But you know, Ted didn't always know who he was. Well, listen to this. This is like 18 months ago. Take a listen [on screen: Kennedy saying, 'Why don't we just ask Osama bin laden -- Osama Obama -- Obama']." --Jay Leno
"The big issue in South Carolina was lost textile jobs. Lost textile jobs. That's why Hillary was so stunned that she came in a distant second. In fact, today she said, 'I've been wearing all of these pantsuits for nothing.'" --Jay Leno
"You can tell John Edwards is a little disappointed with his third place finish. In fact, for 1/millionth of a second, he actually stopped smiling. ... I don't want to say that John Edwards seemed phony, but a lot of voters thought Hillary's Southern accept was more real than his." --Jay Leno
"Exit polls showed that Bill's campaigning actually hurt Hillary. I just hope it doesn't cause any tension in their marriage." --Jay Leno
"All the candidates are talking about national health care, but doctors don't want it. Doctors worry the national health care plan would drastically cut their pay. Yeah, to give you an idea how much of a pay cut doctors would have to take, they said by the year 2010, you could actually have a lot of doctors playing on public golf courses" --Jay Leno
"Did you know what happened on Saturday? Miss America pageant. ... The winner, our new Miss America, her name is Kirsten Haglund. ... Congratulations to her. And she is from much Michigan. And she's beautiful. ... She's the prettiest thing to come out of Michigan since Mitt Romney" --David Letterman
"How many saw the Republican debate last night? Wow! Mitt Romney last night in Florida played the p---- card against the Clintons. It's only January and he's not even the candidate. He said the idea of Bill Clinton back in the White House with nothing to do. Now that is a man who wants to be president. He is telling the Republican base, 'You know what? These other posers up here with me, they may have forgotten about the sauce on the blue dress, but I, Ward Cleaver, have not. I am Mitt Romney, Mormon android and I will say whatever you program me to say. I will run on a platform of stopping illegal immigrants from having sex with Bill Clinton until the surge has succeeded.'" --Bill Maher
"On the Democratic side, that's where the real soap opera is. Not that the Clintons always bring the drama. The pundits ... are now saying that Bill Clinton is down there in South Carolina playing the bad cop ... uh, while the two strippers are dressed up as nurses. No, no. He's playing the bad cop because apparently ... the pundits say he has injected race into the campaign to let people know that Obama is the black candidate. You mean before that people hadn't noticed? Say Bob, is Barack Obama black? I don't know. Ask Phil, he follows politics." --Bill Maher
"They're saying Bill Clinton may risk his entire legacy on this. ... Which I think is such a sweet love story, that he's doing this for his wife. It's the classic love story, isn't it? Boy meets girl. Boy fucks everything that moves for the next 25 years. Boy makes good by electing girl president" --Bill Maher
"Support for Rudy Giuliani has fallen to 12%, and that's just among his children." --Jay Leno
"Sylvester Stallone announced today he is endorsing John McCain. I think that's what he said. He might have said, 'Hand me my cane.'" --Jay Leno
"Have you heard this story? They're trying to pass a bill now that allows politicians to insist that they be addressed by gender- neutral titles. Is that really necessary? I mean, don't we already have gender neutral titles for politicians? 'Crook,' 'liar,' 'adulterer,' 'pinhead,' 'moron,' these are all gender-neutral." --Jay Leno
"The government is thinking of considering charging every person who enters the United States a dollar to raise more money for border control agents. You know, we can't catch people sneaking across the border now. How are you gonna charge them a dollar? ... I got a better idea, why don't we charge American companies a buck for every job they send overseas?" --Jay Leno
"Today is the 171st birthday of the flush toilet. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, 'the love seat'" --David Letterman
"In political news, our old friend Dennis Kucinich has dropped out of the presidential race. Yeah, we like Dennis. ... He's going back to his old job as a Keebler elf." --Jay Leno
"Honestly, Dennis was short, but I understand he tossed in the hand towel." --Jay Leno
"What's going on with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? I don't want to say they're acting childish, but today Hillary issued a statement saying, 'I'm rubber, you're glue.'" --Jay Leno
"Support for Rudy Giuliani has fallen to 12%, and that's just among his children." --Jay Leno
Happy Groundhog Day, tomorrow February 2nd. If Punxsutawney Phil in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania and Wiarton Willie in Wiarton, Ontario see their shadows, expect six more weeks of winter. Whatever the outcome, take solace in the fact that February 2nd is exactly halfway between the winter solstice and the spring equinox. Bring on Spring Break!
Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank if they offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the windows, "The line starts over there."
Great poster. Give it a try if you’ve tried stopping cooking with cheese and the buggers are still there.
Teenagers !
Tired of being harassed by your stupid parents?
Act Now!
Move Out.
Get a job.
Pay your own bills.
Do it while you still know everything.
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.' With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.' After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.' The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honours, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.' The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.' The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.' The old grey-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.' The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time!
An old and favoured servant of two maiden ladies had been frequently reprimanded by them for his free behaviour with the female servants. Caught one day in 'flagrante delicto,' he was summoned to their presence, and while the girl was sacked, he was told that if he did not do better and turn over a new leaf, much as they valued him--his next escapade would be his last. He promised amendment and matters went on very well for a time. One evening, he was not to be found when wanted, and, on a search being made, was discovered in the beer cellar, buggering the page boy. "How now," he was asked, "is this your amendment? You promised to turn over a new leaf." "So I have" said he, "only I have begun at the 'bottom of the page!'"
I know a guy who has a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis. He told me he likes to watch his money grow, once in a while he likes to play with his money and he likes how money feels in his hand. And, last, instead of going out shopping, his wife can stay home and blow a hundred bucks anytime she wants.
TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS HOCKEY TEAM REVISED 2008 SCHEDULE
January
15 vs. Bloomfield Jr. High School Girls
22 vs. Cub Scout Troop #101
29 vs. CNIB Senior Team
February
5 vs. Second World War Vets
12 vs. Crippled Children's Hospital
19 vs. Trenton Home for Wayward Girls
26 vs. Girl Scout Troop #69
March
5 vs. Ontario VD Clinic Post #3
12 vs. Church Street Boy's Choir
19 vs. Korean War Amputees
26 vs. Veterans Hospital Polio Patients
Special Monday Night Game:
March 3 vs. Utopia Gay Boys
Name Change:
The Toronto Maple Leafs will be changed to the Toronto Tampons' as they are only good for one period, and they don't have a second string.
Coaching Change:
Paul Maurice will be replaced by Pamela Anderson. No doubt she will blow a few, but she won't choke on the BIG ONE.
Rule Changes:
1. When playing the Girl Scouts, the Leafs must not eat their cookies.
2. The Leafs will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time during the game.
3. When playing the Polio Patients, the Leafs must not disconnect any of the leg braces.
4. There will be no more dancing with opposing teams, like the last time they played the Utopia Gay Boys.
5. The Leafs MUST PROMISE to remember that when the referee drops the puck, this signals the beginning of play. This is to ensure that no more time will be wasted while the Leafs try to figure out what just happened.
6. The Leafs must also stop tangling the crippled children in the net mesh.
"GOLF LEAFS GOLF"
Voted best joke in Australia
Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." Charlie says, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."
Miss the experience of skiing? Not enough Snow? Try the following to get that feeling back.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in bad weather and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday.
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" He mumbled back, “I found the remote.”
January 25th, 2008 - (AP) FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week. Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a half for lunch. One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if I wasn't on strike. "But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat, and there he was, fast asleep on the photocopier.""At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I remembered he'd been working for almost six hours." As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry horns. At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by hiding them inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception. Last night a spokesman for Sócíété Générálé denied that Kerviel was overworked, insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were about to stop being rude, lazy, arrogant bastards.
Roy Rothstein was a merchant well known for not paying his suppliers. After seeing him haggling intensely with one of those very suppliers, his friend Morton said to him, " Roy, why all the bargaining? You aren't going to pay the guy anyway." Roy replied, "I like the guy. I want to keep down his losses."
A very devote nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, she is greeted by Saint Peter with ceremony and honor and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses. She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with the Holy Mother Mary. Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door. He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within. He opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter. Sitting in a plain chair, is a middle-aged woman engrossed in her knitting. The nun sits reverently at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates she may ask a question. "Holy Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the Mother of God, could you please give me an inkling of what it felt like when the baby Jesus was born?" With a distant look in her eyes and a wrenching sigh, Mary replied, "Vell,....Ich hob takkeh gevolt a maydel." (translation from Yiddish,"Well, I really wanted a girl")*
TIPS ON PUMPING GAS (From someone in the biz)
I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline.... but here in California we are also paying higher, up to $3.50 per gallon. But my line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon. Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose, CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline. One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.
- Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.
- When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.
- One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.
- Another reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.
Hope this will help you get the most value for your money.
I attended a Bar Mitzvah in Chicago last weekend. It was an amazing service including the Bar Mitzvah, Zach’s chanting in Hebrew of the Ten Commandments (for which the congregation rose and remained standing). The following poem (for which I was unable to find the source) was included as a part of the service and I was duly impressed. As we all seem to rush around too much these days, I thought it might be appropriate to end this week’s edition with some sage words.
I Have Plenty of Time
I went out, Lord.
People were coming and going,
Walking and running.
Everything was rushing: cars, trucks, the street, the whole town.
People were rushing not to waste time.
They were rushing after time.
To catch up with time.
To gain time.
Good-bye, Sir, excuse me, I haven't time.
I'll come back, I can't wait, I haven't time.
I must end this letter - I haven't time.
I can't accept having no time.
I can't think, I can't read, I 'm swamped, I haven't time.
I'd like to pray, but I haven't time.
You understand, Lord, they simply haven't the time.
The child is playing, she hasn't time right now...Later on...
The schoolboy has his homework to do, he hasn't time...Later on....
The student has her courses, and so much work....Later on....
The young man has his sports, he hasn't time...Later on....
The young married couple have their house, they have to fix it up,
They haven't time.....Later on....
Too late....they have no more time!
And so all people run after time, Lord.
They pass through life running - hurried, jostled, overburdened, frantic
and they never get there. They still haven't time.
In spite of all their efforts, they're still short of time.
Of a great deal of time.
Lord, you must have made a mistake in your calculations.
There is a big mistake somewhere.
The hours are too short,
the days are too short,
Our lives are too short.
You are beyond time, Lord, you smile to see us fighting it
And you know what you are doing.
You make no mistakes in your distribution of time to us.
You give each one time to do what you want him to do.
But we must not deface time, waste time, KILL time,
For time is a gift that you give us,
But a perishable gift,
A gift that does not keep.
Lord, I have time.
I have plenty of time.
All the time you gave me.
The years of my life,
The days of my years,
The hours of my days,
They are all mine.
Mine to fill, quietly, calmly
But to fill completely, up to the brim.
"Not only Bush will be out of a gig in about a year, but Cheney will also be out of the office. Don't worry about him. After leaving office, he's got it all lined up. He is going to be doing a one-man show right here on Broadway. A one-man show. It's called 'The Angina Monologues'" --David Letterman
"Congratulations to Senator John McCain, the big winner in Florida. ... You know, this was what they call a GOP-only primary. So McCain had to win over a whole new voter group for him -- Republicans." --Jay Leno
"Actually, it was a tough fight for McCain, because a lot of Florida voters were not sure about him. You know, at age 71, McCain was a lot younger than most Florida Republicans. So they were a little leery that some punk is coming in." --Jay Leno
"It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno
"President Bush gave his big State of Delusion address. ... In our last year's State of the Union speech, President Bush said, 'The economy is on the move.' This year he said, 'Where'd it go?'" --Jay Leno
"It was the annual State of the Union address down in Washington. ... By the way, this is President Bush's last State of the Union address. ... The next State of the Union address will be given by Co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton." --David Letterman
"You know, that's what everybody is worried about. They say that Bill will actually be calling the shots. ... They will be the co-presidents. And I'm thinking this is going to be tremendous. You know what it is going to be like? It's going to be like Regis and Kelly." --David Letterman
"Congratulations to Barack Obama, won big in South Carolina. Today, he picked up the endorsement of the Kennedys. Big endorsement, with Ted Kennedy giving a rousing speech. But you know, Ted didn't always know who he was. Well, listen to this. This is like 18 months ago. Take a listen [on screen: Kennedy saying, 'Why don't we just ask Osama bin laden -- Osama Obama -- Obama']." --Jay Leno
"The big issue in South Carolina was lost textile jobs. Lost textile jobs. That's why Hillary was so stunned that she came in a distant second. In fact, today she said, 'I've been wearing all of these pantsuits for nothing.'" --Jay Leno
"You can tell John Edwards is a little disappointed with his third place finish. In fact, for 1/millionth of a second, he actually stopped smiling. ... I don't want to say that John Edwards seemed phony, but a lot of voters thought Hillary's Southern accept was more real than his." --Jay Leno
"Exit polls showed that Bill's campaigning actually hurt Hillary. I just hope it doesn't cause any tension in their marriage." --Jay Leno
"All the candidates are talking about national health care, but doctors don't want it. Doctors worry the national health care plan would drastically cut their pay. Yeah, to give you an idea how much of a pay cut doctors would have to take, they said by the year 2010, you could actually have a lot of doctors playing on public golf courses" --Jay Leno
"Did you know what happened on Saturday? Miss America pageant. ... The winner, our new Miss America, her name is Kirsten Haglund. ... Congratulations to her. And she is from much Michigan. And she's beautiful. ... She's the prettiest thing to come out of Michigan since Mitt Romney" --David Letterman
"How many saw the Republican debate last night? Wow! Mitt Romney last night in Florida played the p---- card against the Clintons. It's only January and he's not even the candidate. He said the idea of Bill Clinton back in the White House with nothing to do. Now that is a man who wants to be president. He is telling the Republican base, 'You know what? These other posers up here with me, they may have forgotten about the sauce on the blue dress, but I, Ward Cleaver, have not. I am Mitt Romney, Mormon android and I will say whatever you program me to say. I will run on a platform of stopping illegal immigrants from having sex with Bill Clinton until the surge has succeeded.'" --Bill Maher
"On the Democratic side, that's where the real soap opera is. Not that the Clintons always bring the drama. The pundits ... are now saying that Bill Clinton is down there in South Carolina playing the bad cop ... uh, while the two strippers are dressed up as nurses. No, no. He's playing the bad cop because apparently ... the pundits say he has injected race into the campaign to let people know that Obama is the black candidate. You mean before that people hadn't noticed? Say Bob, is Barack Obama black? I don't know. Ask Phil, he follows politics." --Bill Maher
"They're saying Bill Clinton may risk his entire legacy on this. ... Which I think is such a sweet love story, that he's doing this for his wife. It's the classic love story, isn't it? Boy meets girl. Boy fucks everything that moves for the next 25 years. Boy makes good by electing girl president" --Bill Maher
"Support for Rudy Giuliani has fallen to 12%, and that's just among his children." --Jay Leno
"Sylvester Stallone announced today he is endorsing John McCain. I think that's what he said. He might have said, 'Hand me my cane.'" --Jay Leno
"Have you heard this story? They're trying to pass a bill now that allows politicians to insist that they be addressed by gender- neutral titles. Is that really necessary? I mean, don't we already have gender neutral titles for politicians? 'Crook,' 'liar,' 'adulterer,' 'pinhead,' 'moron,' these are all gender-neutral." --Jay Leno
"The government is thinking of considering charging every person who enters the United States a dollar to raise more money for border control agents. You know, we can't catch people sneaking across the border now. How are you gonna charge them a dollar? ... I got a better idea, why don't we charge American companies a buck for every job they send overseas?" --Jay Leno
"Today is the 171st birthday of the flush toilet. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, 'the love seat'" --David Letterman
"In political news, our old friend Dennis Kucinich has dropped out of the presidential race. Yeah, we like Dennis. ... He's going back to his old job as a Keebler elf." --Jay Leno
"Honestly, Dennis was short, but I understand he tossed in the hand towel." --Jay Leno
"What's going on with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? I don't want to say they're acting childish, but today Hillary issued a statement saying, 'I'm rubber, you're glue.'" --Jay Leno
"Support for Rudy Giuliani has fallen to 12%, and that's just among his children." --Jay Leno
Happy Groundhog Day, tomorrow February 2nd. If Punxsutawney Phil in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania and Wiarton Willie in Wiarton, Ontario see their shadows, expect six more weeks of winter. Whatever the outcome, take solace in the fact that February 2nd is exactly halfway between the winter solstice and the spring equinox. Bring on Spring Break!
Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank if they offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the windows, "The line starts over there."
Great poster. Give it a try if you’ve tried stopping cooking with cheese and the buggers are still there.
Teenagers !
Tired of being harassed by your stupid parents?
Act Now!
Move Out.
Get a job.
Pay your own bills.
Do it while you still know everything.
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.' With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.' After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.' The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honours, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.' The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.' The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.' The old grey-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.' The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time!
An old and favoured servant of two maiden ladies had been frequently reprimanded by them for his free behaviour with the female servants. Caught one day in 'flagrante delicto,' he was summoned to their presence, and while the girl was sacked, he was told that if he did not do better and turn over a new leaf, much as they valued him--his next escapade would be his last. He promised amendment and matters went on very well for a time. One evening, he was not to be found when wanted, and, on a search being made, was discovered in the beer cellar, buggering the page boy. "How now," he was asked, "is this your amendment? You promised to turn over a new leaf." "So I have" said he, "only I have begun at the 'bottom of the page!'"
I know a guy who has a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis. He told me he likes to watch his money grow, once in a while he likes to play with his money and he likes how money feels in his hand. And, last, instead of going out shopping, his wife can stay home and blow a hundred bucks anytime she wants.
TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS HOCKEY TEAM REVISED 2008 SCHEDULE
January
15 vs. Bloomfield Jr. High School Girls
22 vs. Cub Scout Troop #101
29 vs. CNIB Senior Team
February
5 vs. Second World War Vets
12 vs. Crippled Children's Hospital
19 vs. Trenton Home for Wayward Girls
26 vs. Girl Scout Troop #69
March
5 vs. Ontario VD Clinic Post #3
12 vs. Church Street Boy's Choir
19 vs. Korean War Amputees
26 vs. Veterans Hospital Polio Patients
Special Monday Night Game:
March 3 vs. Utopia Gay Boys
Name Change:
The Toronto Maple Leafs will be changed to the Toronto Tampons' as they are only good for one period, and they don't have a second string.
Coaching Change:
Paul Maurice will be replaced by Pamela Anderson. No doubt she will blow a few, but she won't choke on the BIG ONE.
Rule Changes:
1. When playing the Girl Scouts, the Leafs must not eat their cookies.
2. The Leafs will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time during the game.
3. When playing the Polio Patients, the Leafs must not disconnect any of the leg braces.
4. There will be no more dancing with opposing teams, like the last time they played the Utopia Gay Boys.
5. The Leafs MUST PROMISE to remember that when the referee drops the puck, this signals the beginning of play. This is to ensure that no more time will be wasted while the Leafs try to figure out what just happened.
6. The Leafs must also stop tangling the crippled children in the net mesh.
"GOLF LEAFS GOLF"
Voted best joke in Australia
Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." Charlie says, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."
Miss the experience of skiing? Not enough Snow? Try the following to get that feeling back.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in bad weather and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday.
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" He mumbled back, “I found the remote.”
January 25th, 2008 - (AP) FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week. Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a half for lunch. One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if I wasn't on strike. "But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat, and there he was, fast asleep on the photocopier.""At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I remembered he'd been working for almost six hours." As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry horns. At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by hiding them inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception. Last night a spokesman for Sócíété Générálé denied that Kerviel was overworked, insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were about to stop being rude, lazy, arrogant bastards.
Roy Rothstein was a merchant well known for not paying his suppliers. After seeing him haggling intensely with one of those very suppliers, his friend Morton said to him, " Roy, why all the bargaining? You aren't going to pay the guy anyway." Roy replied, "I like the guy. I want to keep down his losses."
A very devote nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, she is greeted by Saint Peter with ceremony and honor and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses. She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with the Holy Mother Mary. Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door. He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within. He opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter. Sitting in a plain chair, is a middle-aged woman engrossed in her knitting. The nun sits reverently at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates she may ask a question. "Holy Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the Mother of God, could you please give me an inkling of what it felt like when the baby Jesus was born?" With a distant look in her eyes and a wrenching sigh, Mary replied, "Vell,....Ich hob takkeh gevolt a maydel." (translation from Yiddish,"Well, I really wanted a girl")*
TIPS ON PUMPING GAS (From someone in the biz)
I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline.... but here in California we are also paying higher, up to $3.50 per gallon. But my line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon. Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose, CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline. One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.
- Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.
- When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.
- One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.
- Another reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.
Hope this will help you get the most value for your money.
I attended a Bar Mitzvah in Chicago last weekend. It was an amazing service including the Bar Mitzvah, Zach’s chanting in Hebrew of the Ten Commandments (for which the congregation rose and remained standing). The following poem (for which I was unable to find the source) was included as a part of the service and I was duly impressed. As we all seem to rush around too much these days, I thought it might be appropriate to end this week’s edition with some sage words.
I Have Plenty of Time
I went out, Lord.
People were coming and going,
Walking and running.
Everything was rushing: cars, trucks, the street, the whole town.
People were rushing not to waste time.
They were rushing after time.
To catch up with time.
To gain time.
Good-bye, Sir, excuse me, I haven't time.
I'll come back, I can't wait, I haven't time.
I must end this letter - I haven't time.
I can't accept having no time.
I can't think, I can't read, I 'm swamped, I haven't time.
I'd like to pray, but I haven't time.
You understand, Lord, they simply haven't the time.
The child is playing, she hasn't time right now...Later on...
The schoolboy has his homework to do, he hasn't time...Later on....
The student has her courses, and so much work....Later on....
The young man has his sports, he hasn't time...Later on....
The young married couple have their house, they have to fix it up,
They haven't time.....Later on....
Too late....they have no more time!
And so all people run after time, Lord.
They pass through life running - hurried, jostled, overburdened, frantic
and they never get there. They still haven't time.
In spite of all their efforts, they're still short of time.
Of a great deal of time.
Lord, you must have made a mistake in your calculations.
There is a big mistake somewhere.
The hours are too short,
the days are too short,
Our lives are too short.
You are beyond time, Lord, you smile to see us fighting it
And you know what you are doing.
You make no mistakes in your distribution of time to us.
You give each one time to do what you want him to do.
But we must not deface time, waste time, KILL time,
For time is a gift that you give us,
But a perishable gift,
A gift that does not keep.
Lord, I have time.
I have plenty of time.
All the time you gave me.
The years of my life,
The days of my years,
The hours of my days,
They are all mine.
Mine to fill, quietly, calmly
But to fill completely, up to the brim.
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