Friday Funnies November 23 07

Woody Allen Quotes
"Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love."
"Love is the answer... but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions."
"If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips."
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
"I didn't know he was dead... I thought he was British."
"The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone."
"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
"Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead."
"Sex is only dirty if it's done right."
Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end."
"My brain? it's my second favorite organ."
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like... making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
"The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty"
"Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic."
"I've often said: the only thing standing between me and greatness... is me."
"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
"Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying."
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
"Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime."
"Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex."
"Basically, my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

Lots of dirty things - by Shannon Larratt
So I saw this "25 things I learned from Google Trends" and thought it was so dead boring that I'd do my own instead. Let's see...
Ass to Mouth, which is growing in popularity, is most searched for in Tampa, FL.
Bestiality is by a wide margin most popular in Brisbane, Australia.
Child porn is extremely popular across Turkey, but is also searched for most often in Auckland, New Zealand.
Escorts are most sought out in Italy, the United Kingdom, France, Belgium, and Sweden, in that order. I suppose if I was in Sweden I might enjoy an escort.
If you're searching for a sex slave, you're probably doing it in Irvine, California.
If you're simply seeking sex (of any sort), you're most likely in Cairo, Egypt (followed by a series of cities in India).
Lesbian porn is most sought in Brisbane, Australia.
Donkey sex is most searched for in the amusingly titled Lahore, Pakistan, as well as a host of Indian cities... oh, and Denver, CO.
Blowjobs are searched for more in Chicago than anywhere else.
Viagara is desperately needed in Buffalo, NY, by a wide margin...
...but if you spell it Viagra, you're probably from Brentford, UK.
If all you want is boner you're from Minneapolis, MN, but the more polite erection seekers are from Melbourne, Australia.
Gay sex is most popular in Birmingham, UK.
But gay escorts are all the rage in Torino, Milan, and Rome, Italy.
Fisting is searched for most in Zurich, Switzerland.
Cow sex is searched for most in Chennai, Delhi, and New Delhi, India. It's also quite popular in Atlanta, Georgia.
If you want hairy pussy you're probably in Delhi, India, but if you want shaved pussy you're likely in Brisbane, Australia.
If you're looking for information on premature ejaculation, you're likely in Perth, Australia.
Rim jobs are apparently enjoying a spike of popularity in the small town of Kitchener, Ontario.(coincidently Kitchener-Waterloo being the Head Office for Blackberry's Research In Motion - RIM!)
If you're looking for rape, you're most likely in one of four Indian cities, followed by Philadephia, PA in fifth place.
If you're looking for an ass fuck, you're probably in Athens, Greece.
Facial cumshots are most sought in Montreal, France.
Punk porn would probably sell best in Seattle, WA.
Anal sex is most searched for in Miami, Florida, and Ankara, Turkey.
Oh, and if you're searching for Google's help on torture, you're probably in Washington, DC.

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Are you happy now?
Husband: OH YES DEAR, THANK YOU!!!!!
Wife: Now go to sleep and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

A little old lady is walking down the street in Green Bay, Wisconsin dragging two huge plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $50 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a Policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $50 bills falling out of that bag..." "Dang!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for the warning!" "Hang on, not so fast", says the Cop, "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is adjacent to the parking lot of Lambeau Field. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: "FIFTY DOLLARS or OFF IT COMES!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients. When she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until It was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon! All he ever wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a dime.” Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1000 a week allowance, you take six vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for the sake of 40 cents?"

First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

Three older women were sitting around and bragging about their children. Sarah says, "You know my son, he graduated with honours from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago." Faigie says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles." Becky says, "You know my son Morris, he never did too well in school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman." The other two women ask, "Vot is a sports repairman?" Becky proudly replies, "Morris fixes boxing matches, football games, tennis matches...."

Michael Bader, a well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst and a member of the Board of Trustees of Beyt Tikkun Synagogue (and frequently published author in the pages of TIKKUN) has brought the following question to our community, and hopes that its best Talmudic scholars might think more about it:
Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat?
There are two differing schools of thought on whether you can take Viagra on Shabbat:
Beit Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violates the infraction of erecting a structure ('boneh')
Beit Hillel says do not read it as 'boneh' but as 'boner', and permits the ingestion of Viagra before sundown so long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than one half hour to complete, the kids are asleep, and your wife doesn't have a headache.
And what bracha does one say before taking the Viagra pill? There is a choice of four blessings:
1. Borei p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the fruit of the tree;
2. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - straightens those who are bent;
3. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come;
4. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - raises the dead.
Here is a little follow up to the above... Yes, the anti-impotence drug has been found to contain a tiny amount of animal matter, rendering it - one would think - treif. But, Rabbi Abraham Blumenkrantz, an American Kashrut expert, says that, as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. But it is banned during Pesach - along with all other agents causing things to rise.

After winter vacation, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following priceless words:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now, they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!

This is the month of Harvest Home. At this season, every sense is keened and quickened. The sultry sameness of the dog days of August is over and done. November is all contrasts, sun and cloud shadows, the crackle of leaves in the forests, the sharp smell of smoke in the evening damp, black limbs on white Moons, the first icy touch of snow on unmittened hands. The Old Farmer’s Almanac, "Farmer’s Calendar," November 1948.