Friday Funnies December 21 07

"Doctors administered an electrical shock to Vice President Dick Cheney's heart and restored it to a normal rhythm during a 2 1/2 hour hospital visit Monday. It required 1/2 hour to normalize his heartbeat. The other two hours were spent trying to locate his heart." --Gary Bachman, Maryland

"It was announced that Dick Cheney would undergo a heart procedure today…talk about microscopic surgery! Of course you know what that means…America is only a heartbeat away from George W. Bush actually running the country." --Ken Dull, Illinois

Al Gore met with President Bush at the White House for a discussion on global warming. The White House press secretary called the meeting 'cordial' and noted that Bush even presented Gore with a holiday gift—a snow globe filled with chads." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland

Top Ten President Bush Global Warming Solutions
10. Instead of "Partly sunny," have weatherman say "Partly cloudy"
9. Stop using Air Force One for Texas barbecue runs
8. Replace dangerous CO2 in the atmosphere with more eco-friendly CO1
7. Encourage people to walk more by distributing free Dr. Scholl massaging gel inserts. Are you gellin'?
6. Watch Al Gore movie one of these nights instead of "Dukes of Hazzard"
5. Bob Barker's free. Get him workin' on it
4. Send more troops to Iraq
3. I dunno, tax cuts for the rich?
2. Reduce hot air emissions by cancelling "The View"
1. Resign

To be a Republican you need to believe:
1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton
2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Viet Nam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet .
13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
15. Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)
16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.
17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

Bill Gates – Eleven Things You Won’t Learn In School:
Love him or hate him, Bill Gates certainly hits the nail on the head with this! He recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Travel Warning... I just wanted to give you a warning that if you are heading up toward the Toronto area on the 401 highway this week. The Ontario Provincial Police are cracking down on speeders. For the first offence they are giving two tickets to the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game. If you are stopped the second time they make you use them!

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?" "Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

Three elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was. The first said, "The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. One bite and your gone." The second shook his head and said "Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone." The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, " No sir, the meanest animal in the world is a hippagator." The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal. The gentleman slowly began to explain, " A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an 'gator head on the other" "WAIT! interrupted the others, "If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?" The reply was simply," He don't, that's what makes him so mean".

Ali and Mohammed are pan-handling on the Toronto subway. Ali drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend. Mohammed only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Mohammed asks Ali how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10.00 bills everyday. Ali says "Look at your sign. It says "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support ". Mohammed looks at Ali's sign. It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to my country ".

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . 'Go get your mother.'

Here's a seasonally appropriate oldie goldie:
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!" The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was over whelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed. "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied. "But he can sing. Let me show you" The young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!" The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came "Silent Night, Holy Night" The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What happens if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life..."Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire"...

TopTen Country & Western Songs:
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.

There once was a pirate named Bates,
Who danced the Fandango on skates,
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates!

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was Political Correctness. The winner wrote, "Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

Just think - if the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey, we all would be having a piece of ass for Christmas!

The winter solstice is one of the two times each year that the Sun is at its farthest point from the equator and appears to stand still. This year, this happens on December 22 at 1:08 A.M. EST. The word solstice is derived from the Latin sol, or "Sun," and stitium, or "stoppage." The days are now starting to get a little longer every day.
The year’s 13th full Moon rises on the 23rd at sunset, right next to Mars, making a wonderful sight. This December full Moon is also called the full Long Nights Moon by some Native American tribes. This is the month when the winter cold fastens its grip and the nights become long and dark.
Happy Winter!