Friday Funnies January 4 08

"Despite the writers strike, NBC says 'The Tonight Show' and 'Late Night with Conan O'Brien' will return with new programs on January 2nd. The shows will simply not use any comedy writers, kind of like what 'Saturday Night Live' has been doing for 15 years." --Jake Novak, New York

"Fidel Castro indicated Monday he's ready to step down from power in Cuba. He's suffering from gastro-intestinal problems. President Bush is going to throw a fit when it dawns on him that all it takes to overthrow a brutal dictator is Mexican food." --Argus Hamilton, Los Angeles

"A Japanese study holds out the promise that stem cells from liposuctioned fat could be used to increase women's breast size without the use of implants. Today Bill Clinton called for a 30 percent increase in funding for stem cell research." --Gary Bachman, Maryland

Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Promises
10. "Bring stability and long term security to 'The View.'"
9. "Each year on my birthday, every American gets a cupcake."
8. "You'll have the option of rolling dice against the IRS for double-or-nothing on your taxes."
7. "Having trouble getting a flight and Air Force One is available -- it's yours."
6. "My Vice President will never shoot anybody in the face."
5. "Turn Gitmo into a Dairy Queen as soon as possible."
4. "For over a century there have been only two Dakotas -- I plan to double that."
3. "We will finally have a President who doesn't mind pulling over and asking for directions. Am I right, ladies?"
2. "I will appoint a committee to find out what the heck is happening on 'Lost.'"
1. "One more pantsuit joke and Letterman disappears."

Homer Simpson appeared on the Late Show With David Letterman to present the "Top Ten Reasons Why I (Homer Simpson) Should Be the Next President":
10. I'm smarter than the last guy.
9. With an oval office, I can't bump into anything.
8. Fox News is already on my side.
7. I will take full advantage of the free food that comes with the job.
6. I have enormous experience apologizing for failed decisions.
5. I will appoint a Secretary of Donuts.
4. I will be the Secretary of Donuts.
3. My middle name isn't Hussein ... anymore.
2. My vice president will be Mayor McCheese.
1. Kick-ass inauguration party! Bring a six pack and you're in.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves decided to go out for an evening stroll. Whilst engrossed in conversation, the ground gave way and the dwarves all fell deep into a disused well! Snow White shouted down “Is everybody all right?” A voice drifted up, “Maple Leafs to win the Stanley Cup!” Snow White gasped “At least Dopey’s ok.”

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant: "Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients." "Yes sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol". "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir", says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in, so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: "Help me for the love of St. Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!" "Thunderin lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes ".

Twelve of the finest double-entendres aired on TV & Radio:

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'do you have a vagina? She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, 'Do you have vagina'.......'Yes' she says..... The man replies, 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc ?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. 'One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.' 'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.' 'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?' 'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver - it would be nice if you came second for a change.

Two Jewish gentlemen were working at the Chevra Kadisha (Jewish Burial Society), when a corpse was sent to them to be prepared for the burial. One of them, looking at the dead man's penis, asks: NU,YOSSL HOST DU SHOIN GEZEIN AZANE?(Yossl, have you ever seen one like this?) Yossl says: AVREIMALE, ICH HOB DEM ZELBE. (Avi, I've got one just like it). Astonished, Avreimale asks: AZOY GROISS? (As big as this one?) Yossl answers: NEIN, AZOY TOIT! (No, as dead!)

Silly riddles:
What lies down a hundred feet in the air? A centipede.
How do you stick down an envelope underwater? With a seal.
Which is the fastest, cold or heat? Heat - you can catch a cold.
What kind of fruit is never alone? A pear.
I disappear when you stand up. What am I? Your lap.
What works best when it clenches its teeth? A zipper.
What word is spelled wrong in every dictionary in the world? Wrong.
What bites without using teeth? Frost.
What kind of tree has hands? A palm tree.
What likes to spend the summer in a fur coat and the winter in a wool bathing suit? A moth.
I'm full of air but can't breathe. What am I? A balloon.
My face turns red when I see you coming. What am I? A stop light.
A class has a top and a bottom. What lies between? The student body.
What kind of sand will you never find at the beach? Ampersand.
What starts with 'E', ends with 'E' and contains only one letter? An envelope.
What has good taste but never wears clothes? A tongue.
What unusual word has three U's in it?* Unusual.
What kind of ties can't you wear? Railroad ties.
Why did the Pope cross the road? He crosses everything.

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet. "Give me the box of matches" says one. "Either it burns and there is Oxygen, or nothing happens." He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms. "No, no, don't!" The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? But he takes another match.... And now, a crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!" "It looks serious. What are they afraid of? But - we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars". He strikes a match, which flames up, burns down, and..... Nothing happens. "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?" The leader of the Martians says, "Today is Shabbos!"