Friday Funnies November 2 07

"The president of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, and his wife have gotten a divorce. Apparently, there were rumors of infidelity and lack of trust. To which Bill and Hillary said, 'Well, that's no reason to get divorced'" --Jay Leno

"Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is in a little trouble this week, little trouble for saying marijuana is not a drug, it is a leaf, it is a plant. He said marijuana is not a drug and today his approval rating in California, 99.99%" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney went hunting this week. As part of his entourage he has an ambulance. This is true, he has an ambulance with him wherever he goes. This is very clever. See what he does is, he uses the ambulance to flush lawyers out into the open and then..." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney went out hunting again today. God, I didn't even know it was lawyer season. ... No, actually Dick Cheney said he was in Upstate New York to hunt peasants. Uhh, pheasants. I'm sorry." --Jay Leno

We thought this day would never come, but guess what, ladies and gentlemen, he's at it again. Vice President Dick Cheney is pheasant hunting ... in Upstate New York today. The hunt went pretty well. Dick drove back to the hotel with a hunting buddy tied to his fender." --David Letterman

In the Beginning there was The Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without Form.
And the Plan was completely without Substance.
And The Darkness was upon the face of The Workers.
And they Spake among Themselves, Saying, "It is a Crock of Shit, And it Stinketh."
And The Workers went unto their Supervisors and Sayeth,
"It is a Pail of Dung and none may Abide the Odor Thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and Sayeth unto them, "It is a Container of Excrement and It is very strong, Such that None may Abide by It."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and Sayeth, "It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and None may Abide Its Strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst Themselves, Saying One to Another, "It contains That Which Aids Plant Growth,
and It is Very Strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and Sayeth unto Them, "It promotes Growth and is Very Powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and Sayeth unto Him, "This New Plan will actively promote the Growth
and Efficiency of This Company, and These Areas in Particular."
And The President looked upon The Plan And Saw that It Was Good.
And The Plan Became Policy.
This is how Shit Happens.

A little Native American boy asked his father, the big chief of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?" His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

Haiku You

haiku's poetry?
isn't it a bit too short?
rhyme and time in three.

People, smart and fun.
Music, art and real good times.
Life's what we make it.

Natural Laws
"The law of Volunteering" - If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The law of Reality" - Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The law of Self Sacrifice" - When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"The law of Probable Dispersal" - Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Barnes Law" - Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Volunteer Labour" - People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law" - In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Heller's Law" - The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Main's Law" - For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Bell and Rogers customer service reps. It's getting ugly folks!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day Frances and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumbass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Marilyn called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Toronto (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to
the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says. "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLEEE OOP!" really loud in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine." The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Alleee oop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells "ALLLEEE OOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finished third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me-it's this bloody horse. What is he----deaf or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf? He's not deaf - he's BLIND!".

Some thoughts on golf:

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

Say, that’s a nice new putter you have there. What happened to your old one? “It couldn’t swim.”

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.