Friday Funnies January 11 08

"They held the New Hampshire caucuses today. Is it caucuses? It's cauci, right? ... The results are in. As expected, a big comeback for John McCain who won on the Republican side. When I last checked, Hillary Clinton had a slight lead over Barack Obama. That one was very close. It was so close, they almost had to call Oprah in to make a final decision" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former President Bill Clinton said today he is more worried about his wife's campaign than he's ever been about any of his own elections. Well, sure. He knows if she loses, they have to go home together" --Jay Leno

"John McCain is leading in New Hampshire. McCain really, really wants to president. As a matter of fact, it's number two on his bucket list." --David Letterman

"Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, the big winner of the Democratic caucus. ... Stunning victory. He got 57% of the youth vote, 35% of the female vote, and 100% of Iowa's black vote, a guy named Larry." --Jay Leno

"And congratulations to Mike Huckabee. He was a big winner on the Republican side. He won as well, yeah. ... I tell you, Mike Huckabee won. Isn't it amazing? The impact, just one appearance on the 'Tonight Show.' ... Tuesday, he was unknown, boom, the next day!" --Jay Leno

"I was watching MSNBC and all the pundits, and one of Hillary Clinton's campaign people said that last night's defeat was just a bump in the road. A bump in the road. Kind of like the scene in the 'Titanic' when the guy goes, 'What was that? Oh, just an iceberg.'" --Jay Leno

"A new Japanese government report says that Japan could have nuclear weapons within three to five years. And the report also says that the Japanese nuclear weapons would be similar to American nuclear weapons, but smaller, and more fuel efficient" --Jay Leno

"By the way, ladies and gentlemen, the writers strike is still going on. And during the strike I like to show my support. So here's what I would do. I'd go out to the picket line every day, and as I drove by I'd have my chauffeur honk. ... I'm the kind of guy I make no pretenses about this. I need writers. I'm one of those guys I got to have writers. Me without writers is like Roger Clemens without human growth hormones." --David Letterman

"As you know, tonight was the big night in Iowa. ... It's easy to remember because this is the only big night in Iowa. ... You know what the candidates average? They spend an average of $200 per vote in Iowa. $200 per vote! How many would rather have the cash?" --Jay Leno

"And you know what I love? To connect with voters, they always try to do something gimmicky. Like, they always like to spend one night in an Iowa farmhouse, each one of the candidates. They pick a family, an Iowa farmer, and they spend the night in the Iowa farm. You know, Clinton did that in '92. But as I remember, the farmer was out of town -- the farmer's daughter was home." --Jay Leno

"We don't know the results. So I'm just going by the polls in the paper this morning. But Fred Thompson, what happened to him? Oh, my God. He's doing so badly, it's like he's back here on NBC." --Jay Leno

"Actually, some of the polls have Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards in a virtual three-way tie. You know what Bill Clinton said when he heard that Hillary might be in a three-way? We don't know what he said because there's a writers strike!" --Jay Leno

"Cold outside, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? ... It really is cold here in New York City today. So cold that Roger Clemens tested positive for soup. So cold the Nobel Prize Committee took back Al Gore's medal." --David Letterman

"The Writers Guild strike does continue. Fortunately, we've been able to negotiate an agreement but the strike continues. ... Here's what the writers want and you tell me if you don't think this is fair. Here's all they want: The Writers Guild wants a share of Internet revenues and four more years of President Bush." --David Letterman

"They're caucusing today in Iowa. Caucusing. Isn't that what got Bill Clinton impeached? ... And on Saturday is the Wyoming caucus for those that find the pace of Iowa just too hectic." --David Letterman

"By the way, I was thinking about this. I think now I'm the only TV host with facial hair, if you don't count the cast of 'The View'" --David Letterman

"Because of the strike ... many of the awards shows may be cancelled this season. So, something good has come from all of this." --David Letterman

In a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2008 GOP presidential race, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee today named Jesus Christ as his vice presidential running mate. Huckabee has made an increasing number of comments about his relationship with Jesus in recent debates, but few Republican insiders expected him to announce that he was anointing Christ as his vice presidential pick. 'This could be huge for Huckabee,' said Stenson Partridge, a veteran GOP consultant. 'Among Republican voters, Jesus Christ is even more popular than Ronald Reagan.' The Rev. Pat Robertson, a supporter of former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, said he was 'blindsided' by the news of Huckabee's decision: 'I talked to Jesus last night, and he didn't mention anything about it.' At a raucous Huckabee rally in Davenport, Iowa, today, supporters of the former Arkansas governor could be seen holding signs reading HUCKABEE/CHRIST in 2008? It is 'highly unorthodox' for a presidential candidate to select a vice presidential running mate who is a prominent figure in the Holy Bible, says Davis Logsdon, dean of the School of Divinity at the University of Minnesota. But according to Logsdon, if the Huckabee-Christ ticket makes it all the way to the White House, it could be historic in more ways than one: 'If Huckabee is elected and then something happens to him while in office, we would be looking at our first Jewish president.'

A young man went into the Employment Centre in Toronto, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he asked the guy behind the desk, "Can you give me some more details about this"? The Employment Centre man sorted through his files & replied, "Oh yes here it is. The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $55,000, but you're going to have to go to Peterborough. That's about 150 kms from here". "Oh why, is that where the job is?" "No sir - that's the end of the line up!"

Birthday reminder: This past week we celebrated a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?

Forget rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Canada.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend, you may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada
If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada
If you can drive 90 kms / hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada
If the speed limit on the highway is 80km -- you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.
If you find 2 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Canada
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Canadian friends & others, you definitely live in Canada

Oldie Goldie
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother." "Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

A guy comes home after a few drinks with his buddies, in the mood for loving. He finds his wife sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. Of course, she awakens choking, but she quickly recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?" He says, "Two aspirins". She replies, "But I don’t have a headache!" He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."

A nice story - will make you appreciate family . . . however for most of us, it's too late!
My grandmother died many years back, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.' 'How come, Grandma?' I asked her. She answered in her soft Scottish voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never learn.

Advice for women:
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

A woman goes to see her Rabbi. "Abe and Sol are both in love with me," she says. "Who will be the lucky one?" The wise old Rabbi answers, "Abe will marry you. Sol will be the lucky one."

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial rates and blamed it on the cost of living.

An old man grocery shopping with his grandson was having a really tough time with the unhappy young lad who took turns crying and screaming at the top of his lungs. As the old gentleman walked up and down the aisles, people could hear him speaking in a soft voice, “We are almost done, Albert. Try not to cry, Albert. Life will get better Albert.” As he approached the checkout, he carefully brushed the toddler’s tears from his eyes and said again, “Try not to cry Albert. We’ll be home soon Albert” As he was paying the cashier, the toddler continued to cry as a young woman behind him said, “Sir, I think it’s wonderful how sweet you are with your little Albert.” The old man blinked his eyes a couple of times before saying, “My grandson’s name is John….I’m Albert.”