Friday Funnies March 14 08

"Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? ... It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour." --Jay Leno

"The really ironic thing about this case -- today, the hooker said Spitzer was done in a New York minute." --Jay Leno

"He went through this call girl thing. ... He was known as a regular customer. He was known as Client 9. It looks now like Client 9 will soon be looking for wife number 2." --David Letterman

"Maybe some of you don't know the story, today Eliot Spitzer admitted publicly that he was involved in a prostitution ring, which means Hillary Clinton, now, only the second angriest wife in the state of New York." --Jay Leno

"This is the guy who vowed to clean up New York. But to be fair, he did bring prostitution to its knees one girl at a time." --Jay Leno

"Of course, the big story tonight, known to anyone with a television, or a Google alert set to 'prostitute.' (on screen: Eliot Spitzer press conference). Eliot Spitzer, the law and order governor of New York, caught soliciting sexual favors from a prostitute. Interestingly enough, he was caught on a wiretap, the kind most likely authorized by the law and order governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer. Oops" --Jon Stewart

"I haven't been on the show for a while, but for some reason when this scandal about hookers broke, I looked out the window and there was a helicopter waiting to take me to the studio. It is good to have a specialty. Turns out I was more needed than I thought. This scandal is raising all sorts of questions. [on screen: news anchors asking, 'How would a guy like Governor Spitzer actually do it? Does he pay in cash? Does his real name appear somewhere? How do the check get written? We're talking about $5,000. How do you develop a credit with the prostitution ring is another aspect of the story I don't quite understand']. Please, like you don't know. Guys pay women for sex? No! Okay, let me try and explain this. When a man loves a woman for very much, they share a very special kind of transaction. Maybe I'm going too fast. Let me break this down. First off, cost. Spitzer paid $4300 for two hours with a hooker. I know that sounds pricey. I mean for that much money, you could buy a used Honda and [bleep] it. But the service the governor used was extra fancy. For God sake, it's called the Emperor's Club. You want discounts, go to Sam's Emperor Club. They sell in bulk. In one trip, you can get a 20 gallon pack of mayonnaise and a six pack of hookers." --Lewis Black

"But a lot of rumors about what is going to happen. If Governor Spitzer does resign over his prostitution scandal, it's been reported that he will go into private practice as a lawyer. That's what he's going to do. Yeah. When asked why he wants to practice law again, Spitzer said, 'I like businesses where you charge by the hour and screw your clients.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight, Hillary Clinton says the states she's won are bigger than Obama's. I say it's not the size that counts but whether it's shaped like Florida." --Stephen Colbert

"In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the number one position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular." --Jay Leno

"You know they said on the news today, neither Barack nor Hillary can win the nomination outright. You know, because it's so close. So Hillary's kind of caught between Barack and a hard place." --Jay Leno

"You know, there's talk in some Democratic circles of letting the states of Michigan and Florida re-vote. Today, Al Gore said, 'Oh, now you think of this! Great!'" --Jay Leno

"They're talking about a re-vote primary where people would mail in their ballots. That's a great idea, combine the reliability of the people in Florida who count the ballots with the efficiency of the Post Office. What could go wrong there?" --Jay Leno

"On the eve of Tuesday's primary victories, a defiant Hillary Clinton said, 'I'm just getting warmed up.' Which begs the question, 'Hey, Hillary, how are you gonna be ready on day one if it takes you 31 primaries to get warmed up.'" --Seth Meyers

"Among the people rumored to be a possibility for John McCain's vice-presidential running mate is 51-year-old Florida Governor Charlie Crist and surprisingly not his brother, Jesus Crist" --Seth Meyers

"The big story this week is the Democrats. Hillary got her groove back. I don't know if you saw this but on Tuesday there were four primaries and she beat the Arab guy three to one. I only know what I see in the paper. And she did it the old fashioned way, by building a coalition of women, Latinos and blue-collar white men, and scaring the sh*t out of them." --Bill Maher

"But congratulations to John McCain, he wrapped up the Republican nomination this week. And we know this is official now because Mike Huckabee dropped out and said he was joining forces with John McCain. Oh, great, you've got one guy who doesn't believe in evolution, and another guy who remembers it." --Bill Maher

"Hillary's been going around saying, 'I've been tested.' John McCain also said, 'I've been tested, and luckily the tests came back negative, knock on wood.'" --Bill Maher

"Also eliminated last night, Congressman Ron Paul, of Texas, says he's winding down his presidential campaign. His supporter is devastated. Ron says he's looking forward, though, to spending more time with his wife Mrs. Paul, and her delicious pre-packaged seafood products." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It was a great night for John McCain. In fact, all is going just perfectly for John McCain until today when President Bush endorsed him for president. All that hard work right down the drain. The truth is, McCain asked President Bush to endorse him. I'm starting to think that maybe the guy likes torture." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Oh, Mike Huckabee, I don't want to have to say Huck-a-bye. Maybe it's all just a terrible dream. I'll just close my eyes and when I open them, Huckabee will be the nominee [on screen: John McCain saying, 'I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States']. Noooooo! He's not a real conservative. I'm not saying the Republicans should have nominated Reagan's reanimated corpse. I just didn't want it to be John McCain's reanimated corpse." --Stephen Colbert

"Hillary Clinton is back in the hunt for the Democratic nomination. She won do or die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island and Texas last night. A lot of people thought she would be done today, but just like Bill always says, Hillary does not go down without a fight." --Jimmy Kimmel

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer sure has himself in a lot of hot water with news of his high priced hooker. People are asking why he would want to stray when his wife is such a fine looking woman. I’ll tell you why – his wife’s a Spitzer and he’s looking for a swallower!

Diary of a snow shoveler:
- November 15 -- 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
- December 9 -- We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
- December 12 -- The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbour.
- December 14 -- Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I armed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
- December 15 -- 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
- December 16 -- Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
- December 17 -- Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
- December 20 -- Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
- December 22 -- Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
- December 23 -- Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
- December 24 -- 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
- December 25 -- Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the fucking slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
- January 4 -- Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
- January 17 -- Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
- February 2 -- Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
- February 15 -- 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
- March 1 -- Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
- March 8 -- Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
- April 1 -- I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

On the sixth day, God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes, bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth." "But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?" "Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them." AND NOW YOU KNOW.

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the zookeeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad and part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy the female of the species. The zookeeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500? Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want all the weans raised as RANGERS fans." Once again it was agreed.
4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500"

Two dyslexic bank robbers walk into a bank shouting: "Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a fuckup!"

Why the phuck does "phonics" start with ‘PH’ ?

They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa. It's called Genitalia.

Did you hear about the new gay website? It's at "C : : ###" (see-colon-enter-colon-pound-pound-pound)

When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. So the doctor she asked. "What's wrong?" "Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life. "Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbour's cows." "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

A Draughtsman residing in Poole
Was possessed of a singular tool.
Said he, matter-of-factly,
It's twelve inches exactly
But I don't use it much as a rule

What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You know she'll swallow.

Bruce, a gay man, asks his stylist what he might do about his thinning hair. She says, "Try Vaseline on your scalp, I heard it grows hair." So he goes home and gobs Vaseline all over his scalp. Later his gay partner gets home and says, "What the hell is that on your head?" Bruce replies, "Vaseline. My stylist says it grows hair." His partner replies, "C’mon Bruce. If that were really true, you’d have a ponytail growing out of your ass!"

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, take note of who is really happy to see you!

A fellow was walking down the street with a computer under one arm, a photocopier under the other and a desk strapped to his back. The police arrested him for impersonating an office!

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach one day. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he has finished his ice cream he realizes that his lady friend's ice had started to melt all down his claw. He licked up the melting ice cream. It kept melting and he kept licking until he ended up eating the whole thing. When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams? "Well" he explained, "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too." His lady friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish bastard!"

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.' 'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 'No, from all the bloody skippin!'

A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. "Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace." He then proceeded to bow his head down to pray. When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.

A doting grandfather always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time; just he and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Nana?' 'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?' God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'

A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American woman and they decide to get married. When his mother hears the news however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him to marry a nice Jewish girl. When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she even refuses to speak to the boy, practically disowning him. After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child. The mother is happy for him but there is still quite a bit of tension in the air. Six months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name." Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful," she gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You have made me the happiest woman in the world." "That's great, Mom," replies the son. "And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?" The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish!"

Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her neighbor was a very generous black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked "Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter; can I get you anything? Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for -- why should you pay extra." The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen". "Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this ticket?" The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked "Would you let me compare signatures -- would you please sign your name?" The black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?"

Lost in the Translation
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
Sign in a hotel corridor in Istanbul: "Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises."
In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn cock to right."
In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin."
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take on of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages."
In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."

Happy St. Patrick’s Day on Monday and may the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch!