Friday Funnies December 28 07

Top Ten Messages On Al Gore's Answering Machine
10."Hi, Mandy from The Cheesecake Factory. You left your credit card."
9. "George W. Bush here. Congratulations on your Latin Grammy"
8. "It's Larry from Toyota. This global warming paranoia is great for business"
7. "Put on Letterman. Some idiot is going to jump over interns"
6. "This is Hillary. If you run for president, I'll snap your neck"
5. "It's Jets coach Eric Mangini. Can you play quarterback?"
4. "Ann Coulter here. Any way we can blame global warming on the Jews?"
3. "I'm calling from the EPA. Turns out there is no global warming; You're just sweating because you're getting fat"
2. "This is Jimmy Carter. Want to use our medals to score some babes?"
1. "It's Cheney. Watch your back, Jack"

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: .... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99
Titanic :..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic :..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: ..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic :.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic :.... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic :..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.
Titanic :..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic :..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: ..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic ..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING "MARVELOUSLY MATURE" WHEN.............
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're away on holiday and your energy runs out before your money does.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

A Jewish man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size 34 B." With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted." "Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra." Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?" The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright." He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?" "Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

Silly riddles:

Why are pianos hard to open? Because the keys don't open locks.

How does a coffee pot feel? Perky.

What turns without moving? Milk - when it turns sour.

When is a sailor not a sailor? When he's aboard.

Why is your sense of touch impaired when you are ill? Because you don't feel well.

What is the healthiest kind of water? Well water.

Where does a golfer dance? At the golf ball.

Can February March? No, but April May.

How many insects does it take to make a landlord? Ten ants.

How do you go on a Chinese diet? Use one chopstick.

Why are fish smart? Because they swim in schools.

Why is going to school like taking a bath? After you're in it a while, it's not so hot.

Why are talkative people and male pigs alike? Because after a while both of them become bores.

Why can you only have ten matzos on Passover? Because you can't have 'leaven.

When does it rain money? When there's change in the weather.

What's the hardest time of the year for soldiers? The 31 days of March.

When are cooks most cruel? When they beat the eggs and whip the cream.

When should football players wear tuxedos? When it's a tie game.

Why shouldn't you cry when a cow slips and falls on the ice? Because it's no use crying over spilt milk.

What can you pick in the garden that you can't eat? A guitar.

When is a blow on the head like a piece of fabric? When it is felt.

When does a boat show affection? When it hugs the shore.

When is a man not a man? When he turns into an alley.

When is a pint of milk not a pint? When it's condensed.

When does a teacher wear dark glasses? When she has bright pupils.

When is a gardener like a story writer? When he works up his plot.

When is a rope like a piece of wood? When it has knots.

When is an airplane not an airplane? When it's aloft.

When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler.

When is an eye not an eye? When an onion makes it water.

When you take away 2 letters from this 5-letter word, you are left with one. What's the word? Stone.

What kind of key won't open a door? A monkey.

What gets broken without ever being held? A promise.

The more you take away from me, the bigger I become. What am I? A hole.

If life gets tough, what do you have that you can always count on? Your fingers.

What kind of running means walking? Running out of gas.

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, "IS THERE A GOD?" Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones. One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer. "There is now", read the printout.

New Words to an old Dylan Song: A wife’s lament.

How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost?
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks?
How many times will it take 'til he knows
he has seen the three stooges enough?

The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend.

How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out?
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house?
How many sounds can a man's body make
before he sleeps on the couch?

The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin.

Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Builder's Square again?
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain?
How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them?

The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin.

A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer says 'This is a special day for me.. I am celebrating' 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman. "What a coincidence!' says the farmer? As they clinked glasses the man asked 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence 'says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs ' 'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence'

From back when insults had class...

"He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire." -Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde

George Bernard Shaw said to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man, and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a dinner party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" Winston replied, "Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!"

Here’s the funniest accident report ever filed. It’s been around for a while but always worth a re-read.
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the American Insurance Journal. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.
Dear Sir:
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I was alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly more than 500 lb. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form, that I weigh 135 lb. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed down slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers on my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lb. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel beginning its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your questions.