Friday Funnies January 25 08

'Here's one of those philosophical questions. If Fred Thompson stopped campaigning, how could you tell?' --Jay Leno

'One year from today, we will swear in a new president of the United States. How about that? And, as Hillary Clinton likes to say, 'Whoever she may be.'' --Jay Leno

'Congratulations to John McCain. He won the South Carolina Republican primary. You know, McCain is described as a GOP maverick. He's a Republican maverick. Do you know what that means? Say that to Mark Foley and Larry Craig, that just means he's a straight guy. See, there aren't a lot of those left.' --Jay Leno

'In Saudi Arabia last week, President Bush was criticized for doing a little ceremonial dance with a sword given to him by the Saudi prince. A lot of people thought the president was pandering to the Saudis. To be fair, I don't think the president was pandering. See, I think President Bush is truly fascinated by bright, shiny objects.' --Jay Leno

'Pundits say that Mitt Romney may actually be too good looking to be president. Well, that's what keeps me from running. ... Mitt Romney looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership. ... Mitt Romney looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial.' --David Letterman

'For McCain in South Carolina -- vindication. In 2000, everybody remembers he won New Hampshire against George W. Bush. And then when he went down to South Carolina, it was all kinds of negative campaigning that said that McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child, and George W. Bush ended up winning that race down there because of that story. Because if McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child, South Carolinians felt that he would be plagiarizing from Strom Thurmond, and they didn't think that was right. ... McCain did win the race, Huckabee came in a close second, and former Senator Fred Thompson came in third. Now Thompson is from Tennessee. It was very disappointing. He was putting all his eggs in South Carolina. One imagines that once he found out he had lost, he would give a dignified concession speech and bow out of the race with class [on screen: Thompson laughing and saying, 'Well, it may be a little early to declare victory, I'm not sure']. It's funny 'cause you are finished' --Jon Stewart

PROVERBS:
1.. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
2. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
3. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
6. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
7. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
8. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
9. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
10. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
11. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
12. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
13. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never run out of material.

A Scotsman tells us the difference between a rich man, a poor man and a dead man – it helps if you read this with a Scottish accent. “A ruch man has a canopy over his bed, a puir man has a can o' pee under his bed and a deed man canna pee at all.”

Which reminds me of something that happened at a fine Muskoka dining establishment a couple of years ago. A curious friend asked the waitress about the maple pecan encrusted chicken. She said that’s a wise choice it’s our best seller. He asked, as someone who hears this all the time, I must ask you, is it pronounced ‘picawwn’ or ‘peecan’? The waitress said, my mother always told me that ‘pecawwn’ is the nut and ‘peecan’ is what’s under your grandfather’s bed.

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young brunette came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my buttocks are firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?' Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking. Scared the shit out of me. So that's it! After today, no more reading.

A man goes to the doctor and once in the examination room he tells the doctor he has to promise not to laugh when he shows him his problem. Of course I won't laugh,' the doctor said. 'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.' 'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. 'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?' 'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

An older man approaches a younger woman inside a shopping mall. 'Excuse me,' he said. 'I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Sure. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere.'

Oldie Goldie
Dan Rather was interviewing Monica and said, 'Monica, this trouble will pass and you're still young and have a future in front of you. What would you like to do with the rest of your life?' Monica said, 'Well, Dan, I have thought of going back to school.' Dan said, 'That is a great idea. What would you like to be?' Monica said, 'I would like to be a doctor.' Dan laughed and said, 'You can never be a doctor... You sucked as an intern.'

- When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
- How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
- A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.
- Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.
- Ancient orators tended to Babylon.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.
- A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.
- If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?
- Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- When chemists die, we barium.
- When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.
- A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
- When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.
- Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.
- A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet.
- Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
- A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
- A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said,'No change yet.'

Dear Mr. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die! SHIT!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals assholes workin' there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another @#%in copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
(Fuckin morons)
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate Fucking Canadian Citizen.

The U.S.Postal Service created a 41-cent first-class stamp with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes, which enraged the President. He demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission presented the following findings:
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side.

Bill Gates advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe. The 5000 candidates are assembled in a large room. One of them is Maurice Cohen, a little Jewish Parisian Tunisian. Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks all those who are not familiar with the JAVA program language to leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, 'I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try'. Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience of managing teams of more than 100 people to leave. Another 2000 people go. Maurice Cohen says to himself, 'I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?' Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have outstanding academic qualifications to rise and leave. 500 people remove themselves. Maurice Cohen says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stays in the room. Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says himself, 'I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell! - have I got anything to lose?' He finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joins them and says: 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo-Croatian. Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: 'Baruch ata Adonai.' The other candidate answers: 'Elohaynu melech ha'olam.'

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation. What can we learn from this demonstration? Maxine, who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' That pretty much ended the service.

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but how?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than pregnant.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round.

I’ve sent this before, but we all need reminding and it seemed like a good finish.
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and
certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people with whom you enjoy spending time.
Easier?
The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care. Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.
'Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia ' (Charles Schultz)