Friday Funnies December 7 07

I bought a teddy bear for ten bucks, just sold it on eBay for twenty, now I’ve got the Sudanese Muslims after me for making a prophet out of a teddy!

Last Wednesday night I was sitting in my room watching television, when the phone rang. "Hello?" I said. A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?" I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?" "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded. "I think he said he'd be home around ten." There was a confused silence on the other end. "Is this Steve?" My name isn't Steve, either. So I replied, "Yes, it is. D'you want to leave a message for Ben?" "Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice. I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at ten." A shocked voice now, "Who's Karen?!" "The girl he went out with." "I know that! I mean... who is she?" "I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?" "Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home." She was sounding pretty irate at this point, I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?" She exploded, "Who the hell is Jennifer?!" Apparently she wasn't. "Well... he's going out with Jennifer at ten. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake." "Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called and that she's very upset and that I want him to call me as soon as he gets home." I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

Oldie GoldieA bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.Very truly yours,Acme Costume Co.The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.Very truly yours,Acme Costume Co.Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

How would you finish the following sentence? "I like my women like I like my coffee..." - Here’s a sampling to get you thinking.
- Black, strong and full-bodied.
- Accompanied by pastry.
- Covered by whipped cream and chocolate shavings.
- Hairless.
- Imported from Latin America and served in large cups.
- Available at the corner store for less than two bucks.
- Roasted, ground and submerged in boiling water.
- Dark and steamy.
- Vacuum packed for freshness.
- Good to the last drop.
- Not chock full of nuts.
- Genetically engineered.
- Hot!

Jewish humour revisited:

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that it is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

There's big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

- Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
- Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
- What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? Facing Tiffany's.
- When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
- A Jewish boy come home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful? What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "You go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
- Where does the Jewish husband hide his money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner.
- What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go."
- A Jewish telegram: "Start worrying. Details to follow."
- I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays. - Henny Youngman
- Most Texans think Chanukkah is some sort of duck call. -Richard Lewis
- My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. - David Steinberg
- Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one. - Mel Brooks
- The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish. - Jules Farber
- Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish. - Lenny Bruce
- God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change? - Shalom Aleichem
- The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin
- Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us 40 years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! - Golda Meir
- Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. - Peter Malkin
- Humility is no substitute for a good personality. - Fran Lebowitz
- My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. - Benjamin Disraeli
- It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. - Sam Levinson
- Don't be humble; you are not that great. - Golda Meir
- God will pardon me. It's His business.- Heinrich Heine
- I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in 14 days I had lost exactly two weeks. - Joe E. Lewis
- Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. - Sam Goldwyn
- A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Sam Goldwyn
- Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money - Arthur Miller
- I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. - Jackie Mason
- I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. - Woody Allen
- Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? - Groucho Marx
- Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx
- A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. - Oscar Levant
- Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. - George Burns
- A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
- I don't want any yes-men around me I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. - Sam Goldwyn
- Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. - Ernie Kovacs
- With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink. - George Burns
- When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. - Henry Kissinger

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement, and amusement. Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,...but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

A Scottish buddy thanked me by saying ‘Merci beaucoup’. I said that’s a pretty good French accent. He said, “Aye, well my father was a Frenchman.” I said I didn’t know that. He said, “Och aye, he was a wee, wee man!”

A chum was saying his son had decided to break it off with his girlfriend because she was an A-type personality. My buddy said it was probably just as well because his son is also an A-type personality and the relationship probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway. I agreed with him saying it probably would have led to a highly-charged relationship as they would have formed a battery – a Double A battery!

Computers are the perfect thing for women who don’t feel that men provide them with enough frustration! – Maxine

Ever notice, the older we get the more we are like computers? We start out with lots of memory and drive, but then we become outdated and have to have our parts replaced.

'Twas the night before Chanukah...
Oy! What a shock!
Somebody outside
was picking our lock!

And there at the door
stood a 'zayda' in blue-
and he wore on his kuppa
blue yarmulka, too!

His punim was shain-
everybody would love it!'
Round his neck hung a chain
with a gold Mogen Dovid!

He wore silken tsitzes
beneath his wool vest,
and a small flag of Israel
was draped on his chest!

He said: 'I'm no burglar,
so please don't be nervous.
I'm the spirit of Chanukah,
here at our service!'

' Menchen all call me
'Reb' Shalom Shapiro!
Without me, this yom-tov
might need a new 'hero!''

'I visit all Yidlach,
and bring - kinnahorra-
good fortune as bright
as a glowing menorah!'

'Ich shlepp lots of blessings
and Chanukah gelt,
and joys that are takka
the best in die velt!'

'If you know nice menchen,
I'll visit them quick,
and I'll bring them gezunt
and a houseful of glick!'

So we sent him to your house,
and shook hands and parted.
He shouted, 'Shalom!'
out the doorway he darted!

He ran to a wagon
with horses ahead.
He fed them some bagels,
and here's what he said:

'Let's go, Moish and Mendel!
Make quick, Moe and Yussel!
Please give a rush, Malkah!
Hey, Hymie, please hustle!'

Then they raced like the wind!
And they galloped so shnell,
all his clothing blew off,
and his gatkes as well!

Soon he was so kalt
that his tushie turned bluish!
He moaned and he hollered
in English and Jewish!

So, don't act embarrassed,
and please don't be rude
when that frostbitten zayda
arrives in the nude!

Quick! Wrap him in blankets!
Don't beat 'round the bush'!
And tie a hot water bag
on his cold tush!

Quick! Feed him some chicken soup
heiss as can be!
And give him some shnapps
and a glez'l hot tea!

'Cause he brings you a houseful
of Chanukah wishes
as warm and geshmock
as plate of hot knishes!

And he brings them from our house
so friendly and bright,
so your house will keep glowing
with Chanukah light.

Plus joy sweet as tsukker,
and peace and good-cheer
and everything fraylach
each day of the year!

And none in your family
will be a shlemazel,
for life will bring each of you
simchas and mazel!

And all through the future
your hopes will come true,
and himmel will bless
your mishpocha and you!