Friday Funnies October 5 07

"At a speech in Maine, Rudy Guiliani talked about how he's a Yankee fan ... yet he came out against illegal immigration. Make up your mind!" --Jay Leno

"This kind of seems like bad taste to me. A Giuliani fundraiser is now charging $9.11 ... in reference to 9/11. ... Isn't that inappropriate? I mean, isn't it like a Bill Clinton fundraiser charging $69 a head?" --Jay Leno

"Folks, it's official. Congress now has the lowest approval rating of any Congress in the history of the United State. 11%! Their approval rating is so low, today they were invited to speak at Columbia University." --Jay Leno

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahma-nut job said he thinks his speech at Columbia University was a huge success, and he thinks the American people thought so too. He said a number of Americans told him they want him to speak at Florida University. See, something got lost in the translation. Apparently, he didn't realize FU does not meant Florida University." --Jay Leno

"After he left the United States last week, the Iranian president met with the president of Venezuela. You know, if we could have just gotten Kim Jong-il down there, we could have had the first-ever nut ball trifecta." --Jay Leno

"Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven'" --Seth Meyers

The U.S. Treasury is issuing a new five dollar bill, with a much larger, easy-to-read five on it. Thanks to the large print, the five dollar bill will retain its status as the official birthday gift from old people." -Conan O'Brien

According to a new study, a record number of babies are being born in cars on the L.A. Freeways. The traffic is so bad that women can't reach the hospital in time. This is the only place in the world where you can conceive in the back seat, have the baby in the passenger seat and die of old age in the traffic in the driver's seat. It's the Left Coast cycle of life.

Terrorist activity has caused Democrats to take measures in order to protect their fair-haired candidate for the presidency. For security reasons, they have suggested that Hillary Clinton have a Muslim name, so from now on please refer to her by her new Muslim name: Seldom Bin Laid.

You Might Be A Part Of The Taliban If...
...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.
...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.
...You’ve ever had your camel repossessed.
...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
...You’ve ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"
...You think "The Kite Runner" is the funniest book you ever read.
...You’ve felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman’s exposed ankle.
...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
...You’ve ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you’ve done with your cave."
...You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what is it you want me to pray about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?" Bubba says, "I don't know, preacher. It's not until next Wednesday."

Two young women went into a furniture store and asked to be directed to the sofa department. The salesman who greeted them was a chauvinistic good ol' boy who knew that his chances of making a sale were always much better when dealing with a married couple. Still, he reluctantly began showing them the sofas, settees and love seats. "What we're really looking for is an upholstered footstool that's long and wide," one woman admitted. "Oh, I might have known," replied the salesman, "but I don't think either of you are going to be able to find anything like that. I've always felt a woman can't get a long width ottoman."

Oldie Goldie (not entirely politically correct)
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States. If not, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical support & advice.

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Yorkton. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says: Old Timer's Bar ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS! They look at each other, and then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you, what'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "Here's my story. I'm a retired farmer from Regina, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same." "Wow. That's quite a story" says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're Winnipegers, they're waiting for Happy Hour."

Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. Let me explain how this problem arose from the start. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of her when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Yours, Anxious

Lesson in ANGER MANAGEMENT
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet bowl."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush!

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a wise judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!" The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!" The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!" The lawyer pompously said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?" The judge said, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date -- April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his holiday! Get it?"

The only mark I've made in my life is in my underwear.

Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker? In case they have to draw blood.

I'm not fifty something - I'm $49.95 plus shipping and handling.

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" " Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

David Letterman’s Top 10 Senior Citizen Pick-Up Lines
10. Wanna swap teeth?
9. Are you a model, or were you one during the Truman administration?
8. Ever do it in a Craftmatic adjustable bed?
7. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a…wait, where am I?
6. Much like high sodium food, you send my blood pressure skyrocketing.
5. Excuse me while I slip into something orthopedic.
4. How would you like to be in my will?
3. Wanna see my cane?
2. My arteries aren’t the only thing that’s hardened.
1. Hi, I’m David Letterman

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right:
1. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behaviour, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
2. You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
3. You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a check book, and apply for a job.
4. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.
5. You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
6. You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
You want me to do all this and then you tell me........ I CAN'T PRAY?"

Max: Do you take your tea with a little honey?
Monty: Not since my wife found out.

Morris and Abe, 80 and 87 respectively, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. Abe had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. Morris was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, Morris stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it will be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."

A Rabbi arrived at a synagogue to give a speech. He sat and waited silently. The audience sat patiently waiting for the Rabbi to begin. They wait, but the Rabbi continues to sit quietly. Fed up waiting, a few men approach him. "Rabbi, why are you waiting? Please start your speech." The Rabbi points to his mouth and whispers to them," I left my false teeth at home. The men run to the Rabbi's house and return with the false teeth. The Rabbi starts speaking. He talks and talks. It is getting late, the audience wants him to finish. They want to go home, but the Rabbi keeps on talking. Someone approached the Rabbi and asked politely, "Rabbi, why do you talk so much? "The Rabbi answered, "You brought my wife's teeth"