Friday Funnies February 22 08

Well, here's some sad news coming from Havana, ladies and gentlemen: Fidel Castro has resigned. A lot of people thought it was because of his health, but, no, he's resigning because he wants to spend more time with his beard." --David Letterman

"But his retirement will not change the relationship Cuba has with the United States. Cubans will still not legally be allowed to enter the United States unless they have an overpowering fastball." --David Letterman

"Experts believe that now that Fidel has resigned, he will either be succeeded by his brother, Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro." --David Letterman

"This morning, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro announced that he is stepping down, ending five decades of rule. But the biggest surprise was when Castro announced that he's going to retire in Miami." --Conan O'Brien

"He was president a long time. Do you realize that when Castro came to power in 1959 John McCain was only 61 years old?" --Jay Leno

"As you know, Hillary has lost the last eight primaries in a row. So, any crying you see from now on is going to be real." --Jay Leno

"And Senator John McCain was on the Larry King show the other night. He and Larry got in a big argument over whose prostate was larger." --Jay Leno

"This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other. Like, you can't criticize Hillary. Ooh, that's sexism. You can't criticize Barack. Ooh, that's racism. And you can't go after McCain, because that's elder abuse." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush is now pushing Congress to expand the government's ability to spy on Americans now that the current phone tap bill has expired. In fact, to gain support for a new spying Bill, they're bringing in coach Bill Belichick. Yeah. They are going to rename it the New England Patriot Act." --Jay Leno

"And the Pentagon is now planning to shoot down a broken satellite that's falling to Earth. The satellite is the size of a school bus, and they want to blow it up before it hits us. Yeah. In fact the actual plan, they're going to have Roger Clemens throw a second school bus at it." --Jay Leno

"As you know, HGH is not illegal, but Congress is deeply opposed to human growth hormones because they remember what it did to Janet Reno." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday appearing on stage together in Boston, Mitt Romney endorsed John McCain. You see that picture? You see him standing there? Looked like the head of Leisure World giving out an award to the senior shuffleboard champion. You know something? I don't think there's been a more uncomfortable embrace between two politicians since the last time Bill hugged Hillary." --Jay Leno

Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card." --Jay Leno

"And things aren't looking good for Hillary. Like a lot of women in Washington, I think she's just starting to realize she may have slept with Bill Clinton for nothing." --Jay Leno

"And I guess you heard the U.S. military is going to shoot down that satellite that's falling to Earth. See, I knew this would happen. I knew it was just a matter of time before President Bush did a pre-emptive strike on ourselves. Do you know his rationale for shooting down the satellite? He said he wants to try and bring democracy to outer space." --Jay Leno

"Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito gave a speech in New Jersey yesterday and he condemned the show 'The Sopranos' because he says it makes New Jersey look bad. Which really isn't true - New Jersey makes New Jersey look bad." --Conan O'Brien
(Do you know why New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps than any other state and California has the most lawyers? New Jersey got first pick!)

"Mexican President Felipe Calderon is visiting the United States. Before hand he came here, he sent his advance team, all 12 million of them." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Roger Clemens testified before Congress about his alleged use of steroids and human growth hormone. There was an awkward moment when Clemens leaned on the table and it shattered." --Conan O'Brien

"While our writers were gone, Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama all declared their support for the writers strike. Meanwhile, President Bush announced he's in favor of a 'readers' strike.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Senator Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row to Barack Obama. Hillary dismissed Obama's success by saying, 'He's only winning states with a huge African-American population -- like Maine.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Not a good night for Hillary Clinton. She got the pantsuit beaten off of her." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is now considered the front-runner. You know what they say - behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Barack has won the last eight primaries. I haven't seen Hillary this worried since they opened a Hooters in Chappaqua." --Jay Leno

"Actually they say the race between Barack and Hillary could be decided by the voters of Texas. Texas! Which is a comfort -- when it comes to providing smart politicians, Texas is the place you want to be." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton continually reminds voters that she has been tested. Which makes sense. You never know what Bill might have brought home." --Jay Leno

"The C.I.A. has admitted to destroying videotapes of terrorist suspects being tortured. They said today the reason they destroyed the videotapes was under the new agreement they didn't want to have to pay the writers residuals every time it showed up on the Internet." --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, the nation's youth do not have as much faith in the federal government being able to help them in their future. Fifty percent of the young people polled said they felt the federal government would get in their way of their goals and their ambitions. The other 50 percent said they had no goals or ambitions and hoped to work for the Federal government." --Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a huge cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."! "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Definitions
MARCONI: The first man to send a message through a length of spaghetti without it touching the sides.
MINE SHAFT: What a German calls his dick.
MONOLOGUE: A discussion between man and wife.
ODIOUS: Not very good poetry.
ORGY: Grope therapy.
PARENTS: Couples who practise the Rhythm Method.
PEDESTRIAN: A motorist with teenage sons.
PIMP: Public relations man for a public relations girl.
PORNOGRAPHY: Clitertature.
RACIAL DISPUTE: When the course judge calls for a photo.
RED RIDING HOOD: A Russian condom.
SITTING PRETTY: Sitting Bull's gay brother.
SNOW JOB: How a woman defrosts her man.
SNUFF: Sufficient unto the day.
SONATA: A song sung by Frank.
STALEMATE: A husband who has lost his ardour.
TEAR JERKER: A bloke who cries while wanking.
TRUE LOVE: An injection with affection to the midsection from a projection without objection.
VICE VERSA: Dirty poetry from Italy .
VIRGIN: A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.
VIRGIN: Any Hicksville girl who can outrun her brothers.
WELSH RAREBIT: A Cardiff virgin.
CORPORATE VIRGIN: New girl in the office.
DESPERATE STRAIGHTS: Sex-starved heterosexuals.
GAELIC: An Irish Lesbian.
INCEST: A game for the whole family to play.

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out? "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."

A wife reaches her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him: "Doesn't this belong to your secretary?" He stutters out, "Wh-wh-wh-where did you find that?" "I didn't", she answers. "The mail man found it on your night table".

On Sunday morning my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned and said, ‘You've got to make love to me this very moment.' I thought, oh boy, this is my lucky day. Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and in no time we were doing it right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she just said thanks and returned to the stove. A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

A very well dressed woman browsing around Tiffany's, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.’

What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked?
A seatbelt, you pervert! Now buckle up!

I have just learned that, should they ever want to meet the conditions for joining the single European currency, citizens of the United Kingdom can no longer use the phrase "spending a penny." The correct terminology is now "euronating."

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son in-law."

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. Mom' he asked, 'Are these my brains?' Not yet.' she replied.

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.' 'Pet fish?' 'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.' 'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.' The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.' 'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!' The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?' 'Well, what?', says the redneck. The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?' 'Call who back?' 'The FISH', replied the warden! 'What fish?', replied the redneck. Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

A man owned a small farm in Indiana .The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.

The only cow in a small Polish town stopped giving milk. The people asked around and found the cheapest cow they could buy in Poland was 300 zloty but they heard they could get one from Minsk for 200 zloty. They bought the cow from Minsk and the cow was wonderful. She produced lots of milk all of the time and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow in order to produce more cows like her. Thinking that they would never have to worry about their milk supply again! They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to confer with the Rabbi, who was known to be a very wise man. They told the Rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away" they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walk away to the other side." The Rabbi thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow in Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Minsk?" The Rabbi replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Minsk."

Remember Sam Levenson? Not enough people do. He was such a clever man but time has diminished the memory of his wit. His words today are as pithy as they were when he wrote them.
- "Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest."
- "The first screw to get loose in your head is the one that holds your tongue in place."
- "A goat also has a beard, but that doesn't make him a rabbi."
- "You're only young once. After that it takes some other excuse for behaving like an idiot."
- "Even if the majority agrees on an idiotic idea, it is still an idiotic idea."
- "The greatness of this or any country may still be measured by the number of people trying to get IN vs. the number trying to get OUT."
- "The best defense of our country is to keep it at all times WORTH defending."
- "War doesn't prove who is right; only who is left."
- "War is better at abolishing nations than nations are at abolishing wars."
- "You can't shake hands with a clenched fist."
- "The U.N. has been as effective against war as foghorns have been against Fog."
- "Behind every successful Jew stands a bigot who could not stop him."
- "There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money."
- Re: sex education in schools: "Let them teach it! If the schools teach sex the way they teach everything else, the kids will lose interest anyhow.

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."