Friday Funnies January 18 08

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney, he was the big winner in the Michigan primary. ... His dad used to be governor there, which I think is an inspiration. It proves in America that you don't have to be the wife of a former president to win, sometimes you can just be the son of a governor." --Jay Leno

"John McCain came in second in Michigan. There was one embarrassing moment yesterday when McCain spoke at a polling place that was also a funeral home. I don't want to say McCain looked old but when he tried to leave the funeral home, he had to show ID." --Jay Leno

"While he was in Saudi Arabia this week, President Bush met with the Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. See, President Bush is not good in these social situations, like he kept asking the prince about his sister, Paula Abdullah." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out better than their pledge to fight terrorism." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia announced today that contrary to rumors of dwindling oil supplies, they have plenty of oil. In fact, with the most recent estimate, they said they have enough oil to keep screwing us for the next 300 years." --Jay Leno

"Scientists announced today they have been able to grow rat hearts in a lab. ... Finally, some good news for Dick Cheney" --Jay Leno

"By gosh, Mitt Romney won the primary in Michigan. How about that? Which, as you know, now makes him a shoe-in to become president of Michigan. We're all very proud of Mitt. He's the only presidential candidate to come from the Channel 2 news team. Let's throw it over to Mitt and see what's going on in the weather." --David Letterman

"John McCain lost, by the way. John McCain lost in Michigan. Supporters are blaming it on his trip to Mexico with Jessica Simpson." --David Letterman

"I looks like the Democratic field really starting to get narrowed down. For Democrats, it's going to be Barack Obama versus Hillary. So, it's a black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life." --Jay Leno

"California is having a lot budget problems. In his budget talk speech yesterday, our own Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that California should be more like Arkansas. And today, Britney Spears' pregnant 16-year-old sister said, 'Hey, I'm doing my part.'" --Jay Leno

"The price of milk has gone up 36%. Here's what happened. The cows have joined OPEC. ... But don't worry, President Bush is already on the problem. He is going to fight the high cost of milk. He is planning to invade Wisconsin." --David Letterman

"I was reading a story in the paper today ... about a man who actually trains the suicide bombers in the Middle East. Did you see the story? And he says he does not accept every person who volunteers. Well, what does that do for your self-esteem? ... Imagine being turned down for the job of suicide bomber. 'You know, I'm sorry, we're going in a different way. You're really not what we're looking for.' ... And how do you go back home and tell your parents you didn't get that job? 'What, Ahmed? You idiot! Did you tell him you graduated from DeVry Institute?'" --Jay Leno

"I don't get this. Hillary Clinton's been bragging all year long that she's been doing this for 35 years, but she just found her voice on Tuesday? There's a medical term for this -- 'slow learner.'" --Bill Maher

"This is a ridiculous election. If I hear this word 'change' one more time, I'm going to change the channel. ... Even Mitt Romney, who is running for president as Ward Cleaver, is for change. Every time he gets up there, he says, 'I love change. Change is good. Who doesn't like change? Whatever I just said, I'd like to change that.'" --Bill Maher

"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton, the big winner up there in New Hampshire. Despite all the predictions by the pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?" --Jay Leno

"And on the Republican side, congratulations to John McCain. Fascinating comeback story, this John McCain, quite a guy. Highly decorated veteran. Spent five and a half years in prison then went into politics. Usually it's the other way around." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is currently visiting our good friends in Saudi Arabia. Today, President Bush said the Saudis are fully enlisted in the war on terrorism. Oh, yeah. So fully, they're on both sides." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said today that he is worried that Iraq will be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, let me tell you something. If it's good enough for the Republican Party, it is good enough for Iraq." --Jay Leno

"The stock market bounced back today, up 117 points. See what happens when Bush leaves the country for a few days, things get better." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Israel, Ehud Olmert. ... He was a little awkward. 'Cause his English isn't very good and, of course, President Bush's is worse." --Jay Leno

"(Bush's) first stop was Israel. ... But why is it when you go to Israel ... they love us there? Look at the real friendship between Olmert and Bush [on screen: Olmert's various compliments of Bush]. I wonder if Bush's ass is kosher." --Jon Stewart

"They had to cancel the Golden Globes award thing. And now because of the writers guild strike, there's fear that it could ruin the Academy Awards, could ruin the Academy Awards. And I thought, 'Well, hell, I've done that.'" --David Letterman

A young woman was about to finish her first year of University. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Federal liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favour of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; University for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over." Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea. How would that be fair? I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous and for his humanitarian work. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for complete silence. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet..... "Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99. The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99. Again, the guy says, '99. The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.” The guy begins, 'One ... Two ... Three ...'

What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme

How is a pecker like a Rubix Cube? A: The more you play with it, the harder it gets!

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn 't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash Back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha House. The first businessman says, 'Hirokosan, I have some unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonouring you.' Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information. 'Your wife is dishonouring you, and she is doing it with a foreigner of the Jewish Faith.' Shocked, Hirokosan decides to go home and confront his wife. He faces her and says. 'I am told that you are dishonouring me with a foreigner of the Jewish Faith.' She replied, 'That is a lie. Where did you hear such mischegas?'

Myrna and David dated five years, yet not once did David bring up the subject of marriage. Finally, Myrna's mama sat her down. "Darling, I think you've waited long enough. The next time you're out, give him a little hint, OK, Mamala?" The next Sunday, David took Myrna to their favourite Kosher Chinese Restaurant. As he read the menu, he casually asked her,"So Myrna, how do you want your rice? White or fried?" Without hesitating, Myrna looked up at him, and replied, "Thrown."

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time. The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?' Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box' 'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a cookie.' Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a cookie. The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?' Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box' 'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I will also give you a cookie.' Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a cookie. Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?' 'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names' 'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I will give you a cookie'

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

A rabbi was talking to precocious six-year-old Mendel. "So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That's very commendable. What does she actually say?" Little Mendel replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

PARENT - Job Description
If it had been presented to us this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!
POSITION:
Mommy, Mom, Mama, Ma, Daddy, Dad, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.