Friday Funnies October 19 07

"According to the latest poll, New Hampshire voters -- kind of prickly voters -- are unexpectedly warming to Hillary Clinton. So, this could be the proof of global warming -- Hillary thawing." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton announced this week that she has dropped her plan to give $5,000 to every baby born in America. ... Apparently what happened was, they did a test where they gave $5,000 to 100 babies, and the kids immediately became Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is now saying she is having second thoughts about the NAFTA agreement ... which her husband supported and signed into law when he was president. ... The last time Bill and Hillary had completely different interpretations of a legal document was their marriage license." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the environment. Then, in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush." --Amy Poehler

Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. ... This should make up for not getting 'The Price Is Right' job." --David Letterman

He won the Nobel prize for his work on global warming. Here's what he gets for the Nobel prize: one and a half million dollars and a brand new Hummer" --David Letterman

During a recent survey, 67 percent of Americans said that they hate Paris Hilton. Which is surprising, because the survey question was, “Are you happy with your homeowner’s insurance?” -- Conan OBrien

Scientists have discovered an organism that has managed to survive despite the fact that it hasn’t had sex in millions of years. Scientists discovered the organism at a “Star Wars” convention. -- Conan Obrien

Here, I think, is great news for New York City and mankind, generally: the mayor of New York City is planting a million trees in New York City, and it’s all part of his plan to revitalize the city’s logging industry. -- David Letterman

Always something great going on in New York City: This weekend, the big Madison Square Garden cat show. Anybody here for the cat show? Here’s a little something for you: The cats are judged on poise, bone structure and firm hindquarters. Coincidentally, that’s how Donald Trump picks his wives. --David Letterman

"This past weekend, Senator Craig was inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame. See, I don't know how these things work. Is he a pitcher or a catcher?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama today at the White House. Another awkward moment. When the Dalai Lama showed up, Bush said, 'So, where's the lama?'" --Jay Leno

"China is outraged at the United States for honoring the Dalai Lama at the White House. They're pretty mad. I hope they don't try to get back at us, you know, like maybe putting lead in our toys or anti-freeze in our toothpaste." --Jay Leno

"A globe of the world once owned by Adolph Hitler is going to be auctioned off. ... So, Hitler's globe if you're thinking about getting a Christmas gift for Ann Coulter." --Jay Leno

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’ wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled, but as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people….” Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived”, said the politician, “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession”.
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!

Oldie Goldie
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...." "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Why the Brits hate the French (From the Daily Telegraph)
As Les Rosbifs and The Frogs scrum down for tomorrow's Rugby World Cup semi-final, Alex Clarke and Jules Eden remind us of the infuriating habits of our cousins across the Channel.
1. Because they're losers - Rugby matches played by England against France since 1906: 89. We've won 47; they've won 35. Draws: 7.
2. Because they're aggressive - Wars fought against France since 1066: 35. We've won 23; they've won 11. Mutual defeats: 1 (American War of Independence).
3. Because of Napoleon - 200 French streets, monuments and institutions commemorate the era of Napoleon, the inventor of totalitarian dictatorship.
4. And because of the Napoleon Complex - While Napoleon was actually 5ft 6.5in tall, his aggression may have stemmed from "strikingly small, infantile and undersized genitals", as revealed in his autopsy. The organ in question measured 1.25in.
5. Because they make love more than anyone else - On average, that's 137 times a year; we only manage 119 times.
6. Because everyone believes they're great lovers - But when asked about Napoleon's love-making, French good-time girl Marguerite Josephine Weimer remarked that the Duke of Wellington was "beaucoup le plus fort". Today, just 23 per cent of French people are happy with their sex lives compared to 25 per cent of Brits.
7. Because they love yappy dogs - More than nine per cent of French dog owners have a poodle.
8. But they won't clean up after them - French dog owners refuse to pick up the 5,840 tonnes of dog-doo dropped on their streets each year.
9. Because they're allergic to customer service - In London eateries, it takes an average 3.4 minutes to get a glass of water once a waiter has been alerted; in Paris it takes 17.9 minutes.
10. Because they're rude - The "Paris Syndrome" is a medically recognised type of depression which afflicts foreign visitors, caused by the sustained rudeness of French people to outsiders.
11. Because they can't wait - Many French men still prefer the convenience of a trottoir to the public WC.
12. Because they lack humour - Before the Revolution, the French spoke of l'esprit (wit), or la farce (joke) but the word "humour" had no equivalent. Not until 1932 did the French Academy allow l'humour into the language.
13. Because we've been allowed to believe that French women don't get fat - Current diet books claim that French women are thin because they eat only fresh produce, and slowly. However, French obesity rates are exploding and one in four French women is on some kind of mood-altering medication. Of course they're not hungry – they're stoned.
14. Because they do things the wrong way - The French take more suppositories than the rest of Europe combined. In 2006, they shoved 235 tonnes of pharmaceuticals up themselves. That's equivalent to 1,850 Gérard Depardieus (approx.).
15. That goes for their wildlife, too - in 1998 alone, 25 million geese and ducks were force-fed in battery farms to make foie gras: the €20 hors d'oeuvre.
16. Because they love Jerry - In 1963, Jerry Lewis's The Nutty Professor was voted "Best Film" in France. Le Roi du Crazy, as Lewis is known over there, holds the Legion of Honour, traditionally awarded only to victorious French generals: pretty rare.
17. And they hate Gerry - In 2005, national treasure Gérard Depardieu announced he was leaving France because: "Only the British understand me… They have a great sense of humour. It is the French who are cretins".
18. Because they think their cooking is the best in the world - They boasted 26 three-starred restaurants in the 2005 Michelin Guide. However, the guide is a French institution. Could that be why the UK had only three? Coincidence, non?
19. Because of their incessant wining - Does France still make the best wine? Not if you go by the infamous Paris Wine Tasting of 1976, when an English wine merchant organised a "blind" tasting before a jury of French experts. To their horror, they rated Californian wines as winners in both the red and white wine categories. The French press first denied any tasting had happened, then claimed the results were fixed.
20. You can't trust their wine labels either - In one 2002 case, a Burgundian vintner got jailed for rebottling 4,000 hectolitres of Algerian plonk as a much more expensive Bordeaux.
21. Because they took the cow pat… and turned it into a hat - Well, that's what the beret is, isn't it?
22. Because their legendary "Va Va Voom" is a lie - They only spend an average 19.2 minutes on foreplay. The British take 22.5 minutes.
23. Because 50 per cent of them don't even associate sex with pleasure - And 23 per cent say they would be "relieved" not to have sex for several months.
24. Because they patented the kiss
In fact, there is no actual word for "French Kiss" in French. It is simply embrasser avec la langue (literally, to kiss with the tongue). Colloquially it is referred to as rouler une pelle (to roll the spade). Only in Quebec is it "frencher".
25. Because they're big bullies - The French shoot, poison, trap, crush, stuff and then eat almost anything smaller than themselves. Box-nets are laid down across the Aquitaine countryside to trap skylarks, while Languedoc hunters blast turtledoves out of the sky.
26. Because the French health service is the best in the world - However, during a 2003 heat wave, the French health services, rated as a "world best" by the WHO, failed to prevent the deaths of 16,300 elderly people.
27. Because their country doesn't work - Employers have to pay social security taxes equal to 48 per cent of each employee's salary, so they take on fewer people, and France's unemployment rate has hovered around 10 per cent for a decade.
28. Because they get up our noses - Forty per cent of French men, and 25 per cent of women, do not change their underwear daily – and only 47 per cent bathe every day (compared to 70 per cent of the British).
29. Because they invented Sadism - France is not only the birthplace of the Marquis de Sade but also of Renault's flirty series of Ben and Sophie "Eiffel Tower v Blackpool Tower" TV ads. Talk about torture…
30. Because it's taken them a thousand years to admit we're better than them - "The standard of life of the British is higher than that of the French," said M. le President Nicolas Sarkozy, in his 2006 autobiography. Finally.
· 50 Reasons To Hate The French by Alex Clarke and Jules Eden (Quetzal Publishing UK)

A body builder and a blonde honey are about to get it on for the first time. The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a great CHEST you have!” He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.' He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive CALVES you have!' The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.' He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. She replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how SHORT the fuse was!

Dear Mrs. Kozlowski:
Thank you for your recent order from our sex toys shop. You asked for the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display. Please re-select. That's our fire extinguisher!
Yours truly,
Customer Service
The Love Shop

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit the conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite, telling them to help themselves to the coffee. When all the alumni had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "Notice that all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups... and then you began eyeing each other's cups. Now consider this: Life is the coffee; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life. The type of cup one has does not define, nor change the quality of life a person lives. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly." And enjoy your coffee!