Friday Funnies March 7 08

"In a press conference today, President Bush announced America is not headed into a recession, especially if you own an oil company." --Jay Leno

"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have you noticed that? That's mostly from the siphoning, but still it's a horror. ... In fact, gas is so expensive in L.A., now when you call 9-1-1, they ask you to meet the ambulance half way." --Jay Leno

"Four bucks a gallon they say by summer. I hear a lot of people say they'll stop driving. Unfortunately, it's not Lindsay Lohan or Britney." --Jay Leno

"Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger." --Jay Leno

"And Senator Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast, announced he's actually looking for interns who want to work in his office. Here's the creepy part. His advice to anyone who wants to be his intern, 'Think inside the bun.'" --Jay Leno

"I am sick of Republican rule. I am, because first it was Senator Larry Craig and now the economy is in the toilet." --Bill Maher

"He says things will improve once those $300 rebate checks start arriving in the mailbox. So, be sure to check that mailbox in the house you used to live in before the sheriff came and took it away." --Bill Maher

"John McCain apologized Tuesday after radio talk show host Bill Cunningham, who introduced McCain at a rally, repeatedly emphasized Barack's Obama's middle name, 'Hussein,' without once mentioning McCain's middle name, 'Methuselah.'" --Seth Meyers

"President Bush on Thursday said that the country is not heading for a recession and that the economy is actually robust. He added, 'Case in point, I'm rich!'" --Amy Poehler

"There have been charges of foul play from both sides. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by implying that he's a Muslim or Muslim-sympathizer, and Clinton has accused Obama and his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her and make her melt." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen. Remember Senator Larry Craig from Idaho? Well, remember he got himself in some trouble up there in the Minneapolis airport. It was a fun kind of trouble. But he now is looking for summer interns, Larry Craig. And I said whoa, cut me a slice of that. And everybody is very excited about Larry Craig's summer intern program. And if you are selected, now you have to be prepared to report early to learn Larry's foot tapping code" --David Letterman

"Here's a story that is hard to believe. This is absolutely true. This is from the 'have you no shame?' department. You all know Senator Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast, we call him. He announced he is taking applications for summer interns to work in his office. ... Isn't that unbelievable? Would you want that on your resume? 'I served under Larry Craig.' All interviews will be conducted in stall number three, I believe. You just wait and he'll push some papers under the door." --Jay Leno

"How about that presidential campaign? Hillary is down there campaigning in Texas. She is a little nervous, doing everything she can, pulling out all the stops in Texas today. She was campaigning in a rawhide pantsuit." --David Letterman

"Well, this is depressing. Oil is now over $100 a barrel. Experts say gas could reach $4 a gallon, yeah. I believe the experts are named Bush and Cheney." --Jay Leno

"I don't think President Bush really understands the impact this has on the average American. Like, today, when they told him people would be paying $4 a gallon, he said, 'Why don't folks just buy half a gallon, and then with the money you save, you can buy the other half?'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton criticized the media the other night during the debate for always asking her the first question. She feels they're picking on her because she always ask her the first question. I don't know, is that her biggest concern? The way the polls are going right now, she's very close to being asked her last question." --Jay Leno

"This is a weird story. In Japan -- you've got to follow me on this -- a town named Obama is trying to attract Barack Obama supporters to visit as tourists. That's right. Meanwhile, tourism officials are trying to attract Hillary Clinton supporters in the German town of Nutbuster" --Conan O'Brien

"Florida officials are still in a panic over yesterday's big power outage. You hear about that? A huge power outage. They were on the phone today with President Bush saying, 'We know it wasn't supposed to happen until Election Day. We don't know what happened. It was premature.'" --Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton was selected Monday the national issues spokesperson by the Democratic party. She immediately refused comment on the Ten Commandments display just ordered out of the Alabama Supreme Court lobby. Hillary Clinton isn't opposed to the Ten Commandments, but she's not exactly married to the idea, either.

British Columbia Premier Gordon Campbell was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation last weekend in Kitimat, B.C. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living. He referred to his career as mayor of Vancouver, how he had signed "YES" to every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. At the conclusion of his speech, the tribe presented the Premier with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle”. The proud Campbell then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs as to how they came to select the new name given to Campbell. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

In an effort to overcome the continuing criticism that he is unsupportive, and in fact dismissive, of Israel, one of America's closest allies today, President Bush announced that he is converting to Judaism in the hope that this will demonstrate his affinity and empathy with the Israeli people. Authorities have been unable to handle the many millions of applicants who volunteered to be the mohyel.

10 signs you might be a Taliban
10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look big?"
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave."
And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:
1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: There was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?" "No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality... he's a bum fuck!"

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a guy without a boner, make him a sandwich.

My last girlfriend was so insincere, she faked orgasms when she masturbated.

A poll was conducted as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising:
10% of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.
10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs.
And the other 80% preferred in-between.

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'how am I doing?' The prostitute replies, 'Well Mate, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?' She replies, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!

A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. 'Twenty dollars...' she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light Flashes on them. It's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife!!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!'

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle, he gave me a longer cane."

Mick the Newfie appeared on 'Who wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000. 'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, but for 1 million dollars, you've only got one lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?' 'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest ? (a) Robin ( b) Sparrow (c) Cuckoo (d) Thrush.' ' I hasn't got a clue,' said Paddy, 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Come-Bye-Chance.' Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. ' Jazus, Mick!', cried Paddy. 'Dat's just simple logic....it's a cuckoo.' 'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick. 'I'm fookin sure' replied Paddy. Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo as my answer.' Is that your final answer?' asked the host. 'Dat it is Sir.' There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1,000,000.00!' The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean you know bugger-all about birds.' Fer fooks sake!' laughed Paddy. 'Lord tunderin Jazuz, everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!'

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner
for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And, last but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social security Pension Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.
PLEASE, DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own.

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the fuckin' dishes!'

Oldie Goldie
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded, each group of three of the same nationality on a different island:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their businesses.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun. The Irish woman has taken vows and become a nun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous and were always getting into trouble. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. 'Grandpa, Grandpa,' he says excitedly, 'as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!' 'What?' said his grandpa. 'Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!'

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon were, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut, however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong, and this time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom window. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard his neighbor Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Sex, you want sex? You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard. My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on. When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money, and I look away. My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back. When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much rhythm, so I sit self-consciously and listen. My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make up their own. When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk. My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing. When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that. My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy." When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with. I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from? No wonder God loves the little children! Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. I wish you Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions!