Friday Funnies February 24 06

Here's a very bizarre story... A 63-year-old Wisconsin man has been arrested for having sexual relations with a cow. Apparently they met on the Internet. You never know what you're going to get. He said he and the cow did it at least fifty times, but never while he was in a relationship with his wife or his girlfriend because that would be wrong. Isn't that bizarre?! He also says that he and the cow were never serious. Well, sure -- why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free? - Jay Leno

Police recently busted a man selling 'secret formula' tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. It was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud. He had earlier been arrested in 1973, 1928, 1856, and 1794...........

Ahhhh! Let’s have a collective Canuck sigh for the hapless Canadian Olympic Hockey Team
Top 10...you know you are Canadian Hockey Fan when...
10. When you had more goals in your new years resolutions then Canada had in the Olympics
9. The Larry, Curly and Moe...could have done better and potted a few keepers too...
8. That the bet you had with Janet Gretzky now has you in hot water with the Police in New Jersey
7. That you lay awake at night wondering...what would have happened if they only had added Eric Lindros? Luckily it only keeps you up for about a minute...
6. That the loss is a sure sign that the Leafs are set to play again...
5. That with inflation there was a toonie at centre ice...it wasn't so lucky though...
4. That you are scratching your head thinking..."When the heck did Paul Di Pietro play for Toronto...and shouldn't we draft him now"?
3. Secretly...while watching the game...you switched channels and watched Everybody Loves Raymond
2. That the Olympic break means hockey will last all year round...(almost)...ok at least til the end of June...
1. The number one reason you know you're a Canadian Hockey Fan is on the games that were on in the morning...you went for it and had an Ice Cold Molson Canadian and poured some into your Shreddies!

Marriage is a mutual relationship only if both parties know how / when to be mute.

My wife left me. I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses. I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look prettyfor you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be back.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. -Henry Youngman

They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable. I’ll settle for being moderately rich and just moody.

My friend Bill is still out there job hunting. He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M'. He says he never knows which to choose -- He says he really likes to 'F', but he spends most of the time alone 'M'-ing.

SLANGDAMONIUM WORD FOR TODAY – discombobulated.
When faced with a killer set of 38 DD's, the normally cool, calm and collected Bill found himself quite discomboobulated.
DEFINITION: To become frazzled when speaking to someone with exceptionally large breasts.

The mountain range known as The Grand Tetons got their name from French Voyagers (trappers who traveled by canoes and foot to get into what was then back country). They thought the mountains looked like large female breasts rising majestically up. They must have been out a LONG time. Hence the name, (en francais) : Les Grands Tetons or The Big Tits. Don't you just love history !

I was telling a friend that I finally insisted that my wife go to a doctor about her headaches. He asked if she had that many. I said no, just one - for 12 years!"

A blonde decided to rent her first porno. She went to the video store and picked out a tape with a title that sounded sexy. She drove home, lit some candles, took off her clothes and placed the tape in the VCR. But nothing appeared on her screen except static. She called the video store and complained, "I just rented a porno from you, and there's nothing on the tape but static. The clerk said, "Sorry about that. Which movie was it?" The blonde replied, "Head Cleaner."

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise and to try playing a game of fetch." She said, "I can't play fetch with my dog because he can't throw."

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. - Dolly Parton

Everything was fine as we watched the big white bear frolicking with the smaller females at the zoo. Then that same male attempted to climb the back of another male! The ensuing bloody fight caused entire families to run shrieking in the other direction. Only then did I truly understand the insidious effects of bipolar disorder.

A wife became suspicious because her husband was spending long periods of time away from home, supposedly on business trips. So she hired a private investigator to follow him and report on his behavior. The detective reported that he traveled to a near-by city where he spent his evenings in an apartment with a beautiful woman, and had photographs to prove it. When her husband returned from his "business trip," she confronted him about his involvement with another woman. He then confessed to having a second marriage. When his wife reacted in disbelief, the man said, . . . "I think it was bigamy to admit it."

It seems to be the fashion these days for couples to write their own marriage vows. I heard of a couple last week who wanted to alter the 'until death do us part' section to read, 'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.'

Math Exam for the 'hood:
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out ofevery 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?
2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?3.Rufus pimps 3 Ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each Ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8.Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Legal Terminology:
CRIMINAL JUSTICE: When the accused and his attorney go to jail.
HEARING: What a husband loses after the honeymoon's over.
HUNG JURY: Jury with big genitals.
JURY DUTY: What happens to you if you don't have a job, haven't ever read a newspaper and lie about whether you watch TV.

Sadie goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Sadie walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings." "I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist. Sadie asked, "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

The Jewish definition of a menage a trois - two headaches and a hard-on.

Sarah told me she had broken off her engagement to Morris. I said I was sorry to hear that and asked why. She said her feelings towards Morris had changed. I asked if she had given him back the engagement ring. Sarah replied, “No! Why should I? My feelings towards the ring haven't changed."

Top Ten Orchadox Classifications.
10. Standardox - You went to Jewish High school, Israel Yeshiva, YU, Married at 22, live in Teaneck to be near (supported by) your in-laws.
9. Whorethodox - You definitely are not prude, but still "shomer" all 612 of the other miztvos
8. Awkwardox - thanks to you strict religious upbringing, any social event is an awkward one
7. Ignorethodox - You hit the snooze button on any Jewish law you feel may get in the way of your weekend plans
6. Hardcorethodox - You wear a black hat on the Free Fall at Great Adventure on Chol Hamoed
5. Botoxodox - You're retired in Florida -who needs these categories, when you have grandkids
4. AlGorethodox - You have the most robotic stoic religious belief system in the world
3. Loxodox - bagels, cream cheese, and maybe some herring makes all of this Jewish stuff worth it
2. Christian Diorthodox - You are not sure what holiday it is, but you already have the outfit picked out for it
1. Shmorgodox - just a little taste of everything

A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty words about an automobile. She submitted the following: "My uncle bought a second-hand automobile. He was riding in the country when it busted up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred are what my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are not fit for publication."

I'm a customer service rep for a phone company, and one day someone called to place an order for new services. After gathering his personal information, I advised the customer that he'd have to provide proof of residence: a rent receipt, credit card bill, whatever. A few days later, I received a picture in the mail. It was of a man pointing to the house behind him.

Expectant mother to doctor: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? Doctor: Yes, your bladder.

Concerned about fitness in her 50's, a female friend enrolled in an aerobics class. Walking in to her first class she was somewhat daunted at finding herself in a class of much younger women and decided to combat her nervousness with humour. She told the instructor that she was there for her postnatal exercises. The instructor gave her an appraising look and asked how old her baby was. She replied, "Twenty-three!"

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one! Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. She said, "Now your boots are on the right feet!" He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." Her trial starts next month. Personally, I'd vote "NOT GUILTY"