Friday Funnies October 21-05

A 39-year-old woman in Arkansas has just given birth to their 16th child. What is this couple doing? Having sex while she is delivering?! Today, she was kissing her husband and the family dog turned the garden hose on them. - Jay Leno

Fox has cancelled Paris Hilton's TV show, The Simple Life. Paris says that she just wants to concentrate on her movie career. Movie career? Having a boyfriend with a video camera is not a movie career. - Jay Leno

We were just watching a commercial for Levitra. At the end it warns, "In the rare instance that an erection should last more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention." My wife wants to know for whom? - Dan Ericson

A man in France has been arrested after it was discovered he had lived with his dead mother for over five years in order to keep getting her pension checks. In a related story Melissa Rivers was arrested for the same thing. --Conan O'Brien

The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is that if you tell the truth about your taxes, the IRS will still want to screw you.

Many men don't understand the true value of a woman's love.......until they start paying alimony.

I was out running errands today and some guy hit my fender in the parking lot, and so I said to him, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those exact words.

While visiting a bakery in Israel, an American tourist sees a group of men sitting on a bench and flattening balls of dough on their bare stomachs. "What are those men doing?", he asks his guide, and is told "they're making flat rolls". "But isn't that unsanitary" he says, "flattening them on their bare stomachs like that?" "Unsanitary?" replies the guide, "Just wait until you see how they make bagels!"

Sex studies have determined that a woman can burn up 25 calories having an orgasm. Of course it was also determined that she could burn up to 167 calories faking one!

Why are elephants banned from public swimming pools? They keep dropping their trunks.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon

A friend’s hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. One day his granddaughter was sitting on his lap when the device started to beep. Surprised, she looked up at him and said, "Grandpa, you've got mail."

I thought it might be interesting for you to know which oil companies are the best to buy gas from and which major companies import Middle Eastern oil. All of this information is available from the Department of Energy and each is required to state where they get their oil and how much they are importing.Here are the companies which do import Middle Eastern oil:
Shell............................ 205,742,000 barrels
Chevron/Texaco......... 144,332,000 barrels
Exxon/Mobil...............130,082,000 barrels
Marathon/Speedway... 117,740,000 barrels
Amoco............................62,231,000 barrels

If you do the math at only $30/barrel, these imports amount to over $18 BILLION! What is it now - close to $70?

Here are the companies which do not import Middle Eastern oil:
Citgo.....................0 barrels
Sunoco..................0 barrels
Conoco...................0 barrels
Sinclair..................0 barrels
BP/Phillips..............0 barrels
Hess.......................0 barrels
ARC0.......................0 barrels

A car dealer in Texas has come up with a new way to sell automobiles to customers with bad credit. Install a remote control kill switch. The kill switch is inside a black box affixed to the dashboard. Little lights in the black box start flashing on the first day a car payment is late. On the fourth day, after two more days of warning lights, the car won't start. "I would not undertake buy-here/pay-here without this system," said Ray Williamson, president of North Texas Motorcars, which sells about 50 vehicles a month and installs boxes in each of them. "There's just too much risk." The box, called a starter interrupt unit, is used mostly at used-car dealerships that provide financing to customers with bad credit. But other segments of the auto industry may adopt it, particularly if consumers' credit ratings continue to decline. This could be just the beginning. Once a precedent has been set dealers will start installing remote control kill switches in all vehicles, regardless of a person's credit. Is it fair? Would you buy a car with a starter interrupt unit?

Oldie Goldie – the Celtic version:Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole ma wallet."

English Teacher: “Do you know what an inkling is?”Little Johnny: “It’s a baby fountain pen.”
English Teacher: “How do you spell ‘melancholy’?”Little Johnny: “The same as everyone else.”
English Teacher: “Spell ‘Tennessee’.”Little Johnny: “One-a-see, two-a-see...”
English Teacher: “Use the following word in a sentence: ‘districts’.”Little Johnny: “Districts the best anyone has done since Houdini.”
English Teacher: “Now use the word ‘flounder’.”Little Johnny: “I looked for my sister and flounder in the library.”
English Teacher: “How about the word ‘decide’?”Little Johnny: “The truck driver parked on decide of the road.”
English Teacher: “Now, ‘odyssey’.”Little Johnny: “You odyssey the movie I told you about.”
English Teacher: “And now try, ‘pursuit’.”Little Johnny: “The store clerk said the price was $200 pursuit.”
English Teacher: “Try, ‘boycott’.”Little Johnny: “The boycott his pants on the fence.”
English Teacher: “Now use, ‘centimeter’.”Little Johnny: “My sister was walking home from school, so I was centimeter.”
English Teacher: “How about, ‘acquire’.”Little Johnny: “Julie loved to sing so she joined acquire.”
English Teacher: “Try, ‘descent’.”Little Johnny: “The dog followed descent to catch the robber.”
English Teacher: “How about the word, ‘terrain’.”Little Johnny: “The weather channel says it’s supposed terrain today.”
English Teacher: “Now try, ‘hatchet’.”Little Johnny: “The chicken sat on the egg to hatchet.”
English Teacher: “What about, ‘abolished’?”Little Johnny: “Last night abolished my shoes.”
English Teacher: “How about, ‘bayou’?”Little Johnny: “I’ll bayou a new skateboard tomorrow.”
English Teacher: “How about the word, ‘distress’?”Little Johnny: “Distress doesn’t fit.”

When is a retiree's bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

How many retirees to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

What's the biggest gripe of retirees? There is not enough time to get everything done.

Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Tied shoes.

Why do retirees count pennies? They are the only ones who have the time.

What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? NUTS!

Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there (& maybe move back home!).

What do retirees call a long lunch? Normal

What is the difference between a worker retiring and a student going on summer vacation? None, summer ends but so does the other time frame, eventually.

What is the best way to describe retirement? The never ending Coffee Break.

What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Now, the only problem with retirement is that you never get a day off.

The board of the synagogue was having a meeting about the Rabbi's new contract. The president finally came out and said, "Rabbi, we can give you the new house, the new car and the $20,000 raise, but we can't give you the new Tallis." The Rabbi said, "What--you give me all those other things and can't give me a new Tallis-- why?" "Because," replied the President, "we’re afraid the fringe benefits will kill us!"

An Old Farmer's Advice:
- Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
- Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
- Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.
- A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
- Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
- Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
- Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
- Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
- It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
- You cannot unsay a cruel word.
- Every path has a few puddles.
- When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
- The best sermons are lived, not preached.
- Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
- Don't judge folks by their relatives.
- Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
- Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
- Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
- Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
- If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
- Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
- The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
- Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
- Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old University of Notre Dame lecturer. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the lecturer went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, some plain looking and some expensive and exquisite, telling them to help themselves to hot coffee. When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the lecturer said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to wantonly the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the better cups and are eyeing each other's cups." "Now, if Life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change." "Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it."