Friday Funnies February 10 06

Well, let’s first dispense with the Valentine’s Day Crap (Holy Shit, did I say that out loud?)

Are you all ready for Valentine's Day? It's only a few days away. According to a new survey, 27% of people believe that Valentine's Day is a fake holiday made up by card companies and florists. The other 73% are women. - Jay Leno

SIGNS YOU'VE FORGOTTEN VALENTINE'S DAY
This topic comes as a surprise to you.
Your wife has had a deadbolt installed on her nightgown.
You don't remember your shower radio having a 220-volt feeder.
Instead of a kiss, your girlfriend greets you with a hearty kick to the groin.
You've got a divot in your head from the new golf club your wife gave you.
You've got a red mark on your face that bears a striking resemblance to the shape of your girlfriend's hand.
You're so caught up in online porn that time has no meaning whatsoever.
You've got a high-heel sticking out of your ass.
Cupid flips you the bird.
Your intern won't even TALK to you.
Your wife meets you at the door with a shotgun and says, "So where's my flowers?" Then you hear … Click.
As you walk in the door you hear your wife on the phone saying, "If he knows what's good for him he will", and you have no idea what she is talking about but you cringe just thinking of what you are in for.

What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine card? A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"

What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you!"

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of guppy love.

What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!

What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny!

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend? "Be my valenstein!"

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hogs and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine's Day? " I find you very attractive."

Why do valentines have hearts on them? Because kidneys would look pretty gross!

What did one light bulb say to the other? "I love you a whole watt!"

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the bat say to his Valentine? "You're fun to hang around with."

What did one pickle say to the other? "Valentine, you mean a great dill to me!"

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!"

Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love!

What did the elephant say to his Valentine? "I love you a ton!"

What would you get it you crossed a blonde with the God of love? A stupid cupid!

Why did the cannibal break up with his Valentine? She didn't suit his taste!

The chicken choker’s Valentine:
Roses are red,Violets are blue,
I'm using my hand,But I'm thinking of you.

As Valentine’s Day is approaching, a talk show had a show on romance where a young woman was explaining what her boyfriend had done to make her go weak at the knees. My wife turned and asked, me, "What would you do to make my knees go weak?" I said, "I could stand on your shoulders."

OK, enough already with Valentine’s Day - on with the regular drivel!

A Nebraska man has been arrested for stealing a Greyhound bus, getting drunk and trying to crash into his ex-wife's trailer home because he thought she was cheating on him. This could be the first time ever that a crime gets nominated for a Country Music Award. - Jay Leno

According to a new survey, the number one thing women would do if they had unlimited hours is to read, while men said "passionate sex." Considering the way most men make love, there's no reason why most couples shouldn't be able to do both those things at once. - Jake Novak

A New Jersey man claims penis-enlargement pills he bought didn't work, and he's filing a multi-million dollar lawsuit. The manufacturer is shocked... not because it believes in the pill, but because it thought it was safe to assume that no man in the world would be willing to tell everyone he has a small penis. - Jake Novak

If you've ended up in hell with someone, and you're still mad at them, where do you tell them to go?

The day I started my new job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____. I marked Married. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.'

Now maybe it’s old age or lactose intolerance but I do seem to have a bit more flatulence lately. After a recent outburst, my wife complained bitterly. I tried to justify my actions by saying it’s a sign of love if you feel comfortable enough to fart in front of a person. My wife said then that she must be adored. Just as I was sounding my love once more, I said, "Actually, you are worshipped."

A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewellery store window. "wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said. "No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring. A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "what I'd give to own that!" she said. "Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat. Finally, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend. "For crissakes," the skinhead moaned. "Do you think I'm made of bricks?!"

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

I said to my wife, "Do you know what GST stands for?" She says, "No." I said, "It means 'Good Sex Tonight'." She said, "Oh, really." I said, "Yeah, what are my chances?" She said, "About 7%." I said, “OH SURE AND NOW THE CONSERVATIVES WANT TO REDUCE IT BY 1%!”

For Immediate Release:Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of February12, 2006.The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years."We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current levelof cash outlay," Reynolds noted.Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of February12, 2006.Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but withno health coverage or other benefits.It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."A Congressional spokesperson noted that, while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all."We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a 2-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately, he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A greeter position at Wal- Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.Another possibility is Bush's reenlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but, should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX, for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

A blonde is on board a small two-seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams. Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position" "I'm 5"2' and sitting in the front."

What's a blondes favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme

Tina pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant. "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?" "May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?" "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like? She finally asked. The policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

25 SIGNS YOU'VE GROWN UP
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry & divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Wife to bill-paying husband: "I slashed expenses last month. Everything was charged on one credit card so that it will cost only one stamp to pay all of our bills."

I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked.

We older men are led to believe that as we mature we become even more attractive, in our unique, distinguished appearance. Apparently women find us overwhelmingly seductive and can't help themselves. My wife adds that we also become a lot more gullible and given to fantasy!

Leah and Shifrah are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Shifrah is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore. "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Shifrah cries, "I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Leah. "Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer.