Friday Funnies December 9 05

"This year, many Americans were able to get advice over the Internet about how to cook their Thanksgiving turkeys. Unfortunately, if you made a typo when trying to visit the 'Butterball' website you ended up looking at gay porn." - Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, Paris Hilton said she believed in Santa Claus until she was 17. Then someone told Paris that wasn't Santa who kept walking up to her shouting, 'Ho.'" - Conan O'Brien

"It was reported that Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend is now dating Tara Reid. The ex-boyfriend says it's all part of his 'Sluts-Across-America Tour.'" - Conan O'Brien

"This week, a consumer group warned that Mr. Potato Head is a dangerous toy because people can choke on its small pieces. After hearing this, Mrs. Potato Head sighed and said, 'Tell me about it.'"- Conan O'Brien

With cable companies insisting that subscribers are better off by having to buy groups of channels than if they were allowed to order channels individually, America's supermarket industry is preparing to offer similar savings to food shoppers. Milk, for example, will be sold only as part of a grouping that also includes three pounds of ground round, a bottle of wine, a box of cereal, a pound of sugar, and a copy of the National Enquirer. Supermarkets call it the "Basic Package," but also have an "Upper Tier" that throws in products most customers would never use. If you buy enough items you don't want, you can save hundreds of dollars per year. - Scott Witt

Overheard in Santa's Toyshop: "Santa, we already make dolls that talk, walk, wet, cry, whatever... now you want one that blows cigar smoke out of its what?"

Some guy is claiming that a tonic of beer and urine will improve your garden. Come on, if that was true, wouldn't frat houses be like tropical rain forests?

Now that the weather’s turned cold, here’s a little Canadian Winter humour (very little):
How do snowmen make their beds? With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
How do snowmen travel around? By icicle.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan? Take away their little brooms.
How do you kiss a hockey player? Puck-er up…
How do you make antifreeze? Take away her housecoat.
How does Wayne Gretzky stay cool? He sits next to his fans.
How many feet does a moose have? Six – forelegs at the front, and two at the back.
What did the man put on his car when the weather was cold? An extra muffler.
What did the man say when his neighbour finished building his igloo? “That’s an ice house you have there!”
What do hockey players and magicians have in common? Both do hat tricks.
What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps.
What do you get when you cross a groundhog with a Maple Leaf? Six more weeks of hockey.
What does Canada produce that no other country produces? Canadians.
What goes all around a hockey rink but never moves? The boards.
What happened when the snowgirl broke up with the snowboy? She gave him the cold shoulder.
What has antlers and sucks blood? A moose-quito.
What has six legs, bites and talks in code? A morse-quito.
What insects love math class? Mosquitoes – they add to misery, subtract from pleasure, divide your attention and multiply quickly.
What is plowed by never planted? Snow.
What is the difference between a beaver and a chainsaw? Eighty trees an hour.
What is the hardest part about skating? The ice – when you get right down to it.
What kind of bears like to go out in the rain? Drizzly bears.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce? A snowball.
What’s the best lake in Canada? Lake Superior.
What’s the scariest lake in Canada? Lake Erie.
What’s the smartest province? Newfoundand and Labrador, because it has four As and a B.
When is a canoe like a heap of snow? When it’s adrift.
Where do polar bears vote? The North poll.
Where do snowmen go to dance? Snowballs.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In a snow bank.
Why did the lobster cross the road. To get to the other tide.
Why do seagulls live near the sea? If they lived near the bay, they’d be bagels.
Why is the snow easier to understand than any other weather? Because you can catch the drift.

Last week in the shopping in the mall, I saw my friend Sam outside the jewellers. Noticing that he had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand, I asked what he had purchased. Sam replied, "Well, now that you’ve asked, it's my wife’s birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday she said, ‘Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'" "So what did you get her?" I asked. Smiling, he replied, "I bought her a deck of cards."

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the other door and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?" He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

Sign of the times? Max, for many years a confirmed atheist, is approaching his 60th birthday. Spirituality is something he decides to re-evaluate and after some cogent thought, he decides to become a Jew again. The next Sabbath, Max goes to synagogue for the first time in nearly 40 years. He enjoys the occasion and even listens attentively to the Rabbi's sermon, especially the bit at the end when the Rabbi announces that his sermon next week would be about the great flood. At the end of the service, Max goes over to the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I really enjoyed the service. Unfortunately I won't be able to attend next week. But please don't think I will be shirking my duties - I can be as charitable as the next man. So please put me down for $50 for the flood victims."

And from Stephen H. we get this joke:
A young man named Paul bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news...the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead." Paul replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Paul said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway". The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?" Paul said, "I'm going to raffle him off." To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" But Paul, with a big smile on his face, said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Paul and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Paul said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $698.00." Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" And Paul replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy." Paul grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Canada, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from Canadian voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.

And more Canadian election humour - an updated oldie goldie:I had just got my new GMC Yukon Denali yesterday and had to return it to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how to work the radio. The salesman explained that the radio is voice activated. "Watch this!" he said. "Nelson!" The radio replied "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued! and immediately On The Road Again came from the speakers. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say Beethoven I'd get beautiful classical music. If I said Beatles I'd get one of their classics. Today a couple ran a red light and nearly smashed my new Denali. I swerved in time to avoid them. "ASSHOLES! I yelled". Immediately the FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM started to play, sung by PAUL MARTIN, backed up by BELINDA STRONACH, with JEAN CHRETIEN on guitar, ANN MACLELLAN on drums and ADRIAN CLARKSON playing the keyboard. The anthem was immediately followed by their version of TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN!!!!

Two industrial robots, Tron and Clon, escaped from the engineering lab one Saturday night. They decided to separate, try to pick up some dates and meet later. A couple of hours later at the meeting place, Tron found Clon standing in front of a mailbox and a fire alarm. "Who are your two friends?" asked Tron. "Forget them," sighed Clon. "The short, fat one with the big mouth just stands there, and if you touch the redhead she screams her lungs out."

Our computer tech was at my computer adjusting some settings, so I took the opportunity to ask him a question. "With all this stuff going around, how do I know if I have a virus?" He kept working, but without missing a beat, he said, "It will burn when you pee."

Do you know the difference between EXCESS and SURPLUS?
EXCESS: The part of her breast you can't get in your mouth!
SURPLUS; The other one!

God summoned Castro, Chirac and Bush before him. He told them that they were ruining his precious Earth with all their pollutants. He told them to clean up their act or he would make all of mankind shovel shit from one hole to another and back for eternity. "Go!" He said. "Tell your people." So Castro goes back to his people and tells them "I have 2 things to tell you, both of them bad. One, God exists and two, if we don't clean up the planet we will have to shovel shit from one hole to another for eternity." Chirac goes back to his people and tells them "I have 2 things to tell you, one good and one bad. God exists and if we don't clean up the planet mankind will have to shovel shit from one hole to another for eternity." Bush goes back to his people and tells them "I have 2 things to tell you, both of them good. One, God exists and two, there'll soon be work for everyone!"

Best excuse for getting out of a speeding ticket..."My wife is going to have a baby and I want to be there when she gets pregnant."

IT WASN'T MY FAULT!
The ingenuity of drivers involved in accidents in seeking to assert their innocence or at least excuse their errors, isapparently inexhaustible,
to judge from this genuine selection of excerpts from insurance claims:

1. I consider that neither vehicle was to blame, but if either were to blame it was the other one.
2. I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been run over before.
3. One wheel went into the ditch, my feet jumped from brake to accelerator pedal, leaped across to the other side and jammed into the trunk of a tree.
4. I collided with a stationary tramcar coming the other way.
5. To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
6. Car had to turn sharper than was necessary owing to an invisible lorry.
7. After the accident a working gentleman offered to be a witness in my favour.
8. I collided with a stationary tree.
9. The other man altered his mind so I had to run over him.
10. I told the other idiot what he was then went on.
11. I can give no details of the accident as I was somewhat concussed at the time.
12. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
13. I blew my horn, but it would not work as it was stolen.
14. I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman was taken to hospital much regretting the circumstances.
15. I thought the side window was down, but it was up as I found when I put my head through it.
16. Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
17. A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car.
18. She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.
19. A lorry backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.
20. I ran into a shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.
21. I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
22. Coming home, I drove into the wrong driveway and collided with a tree I haven't got.
23. I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident or design, it ran away.
24. The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.

I believe that when you meet your maker He won’t ask:
- what kind of car you drove, He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.
- the square footage of your house, He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
- about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll ask how many people you helped to clothe.
- what your highest salary was, He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
- what your job title was, He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.
- how many friends you had, He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
- in what neighbourhood you lived, He'll ask how you treated your neighbours.
- about your appearance, He'll ask about the content of your character.
- why it took you so long to seek forgiveness, He'll ask why you didn't forgive those who wronged you.
- how many people you forwarded this to, He'll ask if you were embarrassed to pass it on to your friends

From How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew - by David Bader -
Extremely Reform Jews ask, "Do I really have to believe in G-d?" Yes, and for good reason. Without G-d, your donations might not be tax deductible.
Religion shouldn't separate people. We all end up the same; we just get there in different ways.
Jews are born with guilt. Catholics have to go learn it in school.
Moshe, an up and coming actor, has been operated on to ‘straighten’ his nose. 5 days later, as the surgical cast from Moshe’s nose is being removed, his surgeon looks at the results and says, "Ah, a thing of beauty and a goy for ever."

DidJew Know? By Marnie Winston-Macauley

YIPPIE-AI-OY - The first silent screen cowboy star was a Jew! Max Aronson (also known as Gilbert M. Anderson) from Louisiana, started as a screenwriter and director, then starred in hundreds of westerns from 1910 to 1915, as "Bronco Billy!" Aronson often wrote the scripts for these early short films. He retired in 1920, but was honored with a special Academy Award in 1958. He also made a cameo appearance in The Bounty Killer in 1965.

FOR YOU SPORTS FANS - We've all heard of Sandy Koufax and Mark Spitz. But there have been Jews who favored exotic fare. The first featherweight to lift over 800 pounds and press double his body weight was a cantor and rabbi's son! Jerusalem-born (1936) Isaac "Ike" Berger, who came to America in 1955, took Olympic Gold in 1956 with a lift of 776.5 pounds, and the silver in 1960 and 1964. In 1964, he set a record of 336 pounds in the jerk at a body weight of 130 making him the strongest man in the world. His record held for nine years.

SO SIOUX ME - Little Sun Bordeaux, direct descendant of Chief Crazy Horse, is son of a Jewish mama, Armalona Santos, who raised him as a Jew. Little Sun attended classes at the religious school of Temple Shalom in Spokane, Washington. The Sioux believed he was reincarnation of Crazy Horse. In a grand marketing coup, the Israeli airline El Al, in the mid-1980's, looked into the story, found the boy was indeed circumcised by a Denver mohel, and invited the Little Sun to celebrate his Bar Mitzvah in Israel. From the moment he landed, he was a PR hit and spurred Israeli Bar Mitzvah celebrations by Americans!

YIDDISH FACTS : Yiddish is not Hebrew, but a separate language. It is not a synonym for "Jewish," any more than Baptists speak "Babtish." Yiddish is: 70% German, 16% Hebrew, 12% Slavic, the balance is English and Romance languages. Yiddish began when Jews from the North of France settled along the Rhine, adding Germanic dialects to their Hebrew and Old French. The language flourished, beginning in 1179, as Jews, driven by pogroms into a variety of countries, brought their languages along. Timeline: Initial Yiddish 1000-1250 CE; Old Yiddish 1250-1500 CE; Medieval Yiddish 1500-1750 CE; Modern Yiddish 1750- on.