Friday Funnies October 14-05

Sad news: The so-called father of the drug Valium has passed away at the age of 97. He leaves behind three children, seven grandchildren and 60 million dependents. - Jay Leno

What does a woman say to a man who she has just had sex with? Whatever she wants... he's asleep.

How are the singer Cher and Seattle weather alike ? Neither are fucking sunny.

When they found out their wives were attending a sex-toy party, the husbands refused to go and pick them up, and instead left them to their own devices.

A girl of 23 married a man of 84, and they asked her how things went on their honeymoon. "Well," she laughed, "Did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank?"

Everyone's heard the rhyming term "fender bender," meaning a relatively insignificant automobile accident. Here are some sexual rhyming terms that you may not know.
WANKY PANKY- fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky
THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent
RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken
BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest
DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts
TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse
PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth
STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands
HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!PHONER BONER- The erection given to a man who is engaging in phone sex
YANKY PANKY (also known as Wanker Yanker)- male masturbation
SKANKY PANKY- having sex with the neighborhood slut
HOSER POSER- a guy who pretends to have a lot more sex than he does
PETER BEATER - Self explanatory!
PETER EATER: - Close relative of Dickie-Lickie
JERKY LURKY - This refers to trying to get in a quick jerk-off before your spouse catches you.
HICKEY NICKEY - This happens when the person giving the "hickey" uses teeth!REAR FEAR - This means the dread of ever having a partner try to enter the wrong hole.
NO WAY BJ - You're never going to get that blow job, Pal!
HOT TWAT SPOT - G-spot.
BONER HONER - Blow job.
MUFF BUFF - Cunnilingus
CLIT SLIT: The gap between a man's front teeth.
MAMMER SLAMMER - Stimulation of both female breasts at the same time.
NOOKIE COOKIE - Like licking the creamy center between the two halves.
COCKY JOCKY - When she's on top riding you like it's the Kentucky Derby.
STONER BONER - A penis on drugs, like Viagra
PUMPY RUMPY - Anal sex.
WACKY SACKY - When the cat, thinking it's a swinging catnip toy, swats your Testicles during intercourse.

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctor. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag. "Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days." The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag. "Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag! "Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor. "NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?" "NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag.” "Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor,……………………………….. "Your mother must have been a carrier."

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers.

No need to wonder about the difference between "hard core" and "soft core" pornography. The simple difference is, "Soft core" pornography is that which gives one a SOFT-on.

At a stag party, the conversation turned to whether women dressed to please men or to please other women. Most of the guys agreed that women dressed to please men. But one ended the discussion when he said: "Women don't have to dress to please me!"

A woman goes to her gynecologist complaining of pain during intercourse. "Every time I do it doggy style, it hurts terribly!" she exclaims. The doctor queries, "Why don't you use the missionary position?" "I would...but I can't stand the dog's breath in my face."

One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply. When time was over she called on Little Johnny. He said, "this is the process of having sex. First you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.

A female friend just got some horrible news - her new boyfriend is S.O.B. positive.

A Polish girl went to the gynaecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a check-up?" "Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and going even slower, he passed by the camera. Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault and home he went. Four weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

HAIKUS ON BREAKING UP

True love never fades...
You are ever in my thoughts...
I still want you. Dead

I know what I've had,
And, baby, what I've got now
Is not quite as good

Your quirks were once cute,
But now they make me postal.
Read my lips: Get Lost!

Tell it to the hand,
Please, excuses, admissions
--Note middle finger

It's my stereo --
I bought and paid for it!
ME!The blender's all yours.

What did you call me?
Who the hell is Adrienne?
Get out of my bed

My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why. "The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don't want to put up with it," she explained. Taking her mother's hand in hers, my friend's daughter said sweetly, "I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you're not exactly carry-on yourself."

Did you hear the sad tale about the two story house? The real estate agent told him one story before he bought it, and another one afterward.

The millionaire was concerned when liquor started vanishing from the mansion shortly after he hired a new butler. Confronted with his employer's suspicions, the butler said, "I'll have you know I come from a long line of honest Englishmen." Smelling alcohol on the butler's breath, the millionaire said, "To be very frank, it's not your English forebears which concerns me but your Scotch extraction."