Friday Funnies January 27 06

"According to a new study, men cry on the average of once a month. Gee, I wonder what time of the month that would be..." -Jay Leno

A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've always said: Diet and exercise. - Jay Leno

"According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men." - Jay Leno

Federal health officials here in America are looking into reports that anti-impotence drugs like Viagra and Cialis can cause eye damage. Let me tell you something... If you're poking yourself in the eye, you're taking way too many! - Jay Leno

It's been reported that if General Motors wants to be profitable again, they're going to have to sell the division that makes the Hummer. Experts say the most likely buyer is a wealthy corporation with a small penis. - Conan O'Brien

The Levi's company announced they will make a line of blue jeans that have built-in docking station for an iPod music player. The built-in docking station is called a "pocket." - Conan O'Brien

Paris Hilton had to testify in a lawsuit recently and at one point the attorney had to explain to Paris the difference between her left and her right. Paris explained, "I don't know left and right, I only know top and bottom." - Conan O'Brien

Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis. But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage. Or maybe just polish it all the time. - Jeremy Hardy

They say that half of all marriages end in divorce. That's really not as bad as it sounds since the other half end in death.

A friend of mine had forgotten to get her estrogen patch prescription refilled, and soon the symptoms of menopause--hot flashes, forgetfulness, irritability--returned. At the drugstore, she found herself telling the pharmacist all about her problems. After listening patiently, he asked, "So, how many people asked you to get this refilled?"

Did you hear about the boarding house that blew up? Roomers are still flying.

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get.

Business Marketing - A female perspective:
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed"That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed,"That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"That's Junk Mail.

People who give up smoking are a lot like people spending their first day at a nudist colony - they aren't quite sure what to do with their hands.

A woman who is uncomfortable watching a guy masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
b) Is uptight and a waste of time.
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

A very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons. A man asks her: Are they twins? Puzzled, the woman replies: No, one is 3 years old and the other is 10. Why do you ask? The man replies: - No particular reason, I just can't believe someone fucked you twice.

A love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the 'Lonely Hearts' column. "Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per insertion." "You don't say," said the spinster "Well then, here's $20 and to hell with the advertisement!"

A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding reception. The couple had been given a very nice coffee set by her parents. "I'd like to thank you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding. I'd like to thank the beautiful brides maids and finally I'd like to thank my new parents-in-law for the gift of a perky copulater."

A girl I know who is a lesbian has recently become a vegetarian as well. I guess she’s decided to avoid meat of any kind!

Liverpool, England 25-Jan-2006 [JP]: The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ young people from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought about after a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of Euros worth of high-tech equipment. Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now has the advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crews first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tires in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the Mclaren team for 8 bottles of Bud, 12 wraps of speed, and some photos of David Coulthard's girlfriend in the shower.

How is it that the same people who perform oral sex on each other, shy away from sharing the same toothbrush?

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A redheaded bitch with a yeast infection.

A Rubix cube and a penis have something in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over ten.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you meant with one guy.

A middle-aged divorcee was lamenting to a girlfriend, “I’m starting to think there aren’t any nice men out there! Her friend quickly rebuffed, ”Of course, there are! You'll meet somebody!” “The divorce said, ”Yeah? When? When I'm in my "golden years?” Her friend said, “Maybe.. then your hearts will beat as one.” The divorcee opined, ”Yeah, right.. as long as we synchronize our pacemakers!”

A tough old Albertan Cowboy told his grandson if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and lived to the age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

In an effort to reduce its overhead and increase its profitability ... "for the well-being of our members", North Carolina's Medicaid program has cut circumcision from its coverage. Not to leave anyone without choice, the North Carolina Moyel's Association has reportedly stepped in and offered to take care of any loose ends.

The Top Ways Courts Would Be Different if All Judges Were Jewish Mothers
21. No more 5-4 decisions: we'll talk this out until we agree.
20. Yiddish replaces Latin in all opinions.
19. "I have a question for juror #4. Can I ask you, young lady, are you married? Because I have such a son for you!"
18. "Stop already with this discussion of oral sex. It's dirty, dirty, dirty!"
17. "Look at that face! How can a nice boy like him be guilty?"
16. "Before you start your opening, counselor, you look like you haven't eaten in weeks! Have a latke!"
15. Instead of using "Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!" bailiffs would call court to order with "Oy Vey! Oy Vey! Oy Vey! It's now that you should rise."
14.Curtains on the jury box and slip covers on the chairs.
13. "Guilty? You're pleading Guilty? Let me tell YOU something, 'Mr. Guilty!' You should be pleading guilty, what with all I've been through. Why, if your father were alive, God rest his soul, he would give you such a smack..."
12. No contempt rulings - just wash his mouth out with soap.
11. "Enough with the objections already! And stand up straight-your mother would die if she saw you like this. Not that she ever sees much of you anymore, I'll bet. And another thing...."
10. Objection, schmobjection. You and the DA, come back to my chambers and we'll talk this out over a nice hot cup.
9. "I award you a million dollars and you can't even thank me? I take it back!"
8. "Fine, go have your little conference with your client and leave me here, sitting alone, up on the bench, it'll be fine."
7. Everyone would be home on time for dinner.
6. If you don't try the chicken soup, it's five days in the slammer for contempt.
5. Justice isn't blind - she's just sitting in the dark, unloved, like a dog.
4. Defendants would all be acquitted, but they'd all be made to feel guilty.
3. "That's not admissible? Oy! Who knew?"
2. "Evidence, shmevidence. He just looks guilty."
and the Number 1 Way Courts Would Be Different if all Judges Were Jewish Mothers...
1. "Oh, you want to object, do you? You don't think I can do my job? Well, how about you come up and take this gavel, Mr. Smarty Pants? Here, I'll put it on the desk - right next to my heart. No, go ahead, take it. You're right, I'm just a senile old woman and should probably be sent off to some sort of home. Your Aunt Myra really likes her room, why don't you give her a call? But really, I shouldn't have to remind you to call your Aunt Myra. I guess you just don't love her anymore, either. I should have expected it, you being a big shot lawyer now. Would it kill you to just believe me once instead of always having to argue?Overruled."

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

On her 70th birthday, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah and this is what she had to say:"
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.""
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.""
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.""
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life.""
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.""
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.""
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.""
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.""
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.""
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.""
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."