Friday Funnies December 2 05

A Brooklyn teacher who was fired by her Catholic school for being pregnant and unmarried, is suing her ex-employers. Her attorneys say that these days, the school should have just been thankful that the father wasn't one of her students. - Jake Novak

The federal government is pledging $337 million to expand Chicago's O'Hare airport. O'Hare needs more space to accommodate the growing number of airline bankruptcy attorneys flying to meet clients across the country. - Jake Novak

"President Bush was in Japan last week, and the prime minister took Bush on a tour of a temple. Yeah, there was an awkward moment on the tour when Bush said to the prime minister, 'You don't look Jewish.'" - Conan O'Brien

Two rabbis - one Reform and the other Orthodox - were discussing their respective congregations one day. The Reform rabbi asked the Orthodox leader, "Why don't you let the men and women of your congregation sit together, as they do in my temple?" The Orthodox rabbi - known for his sense of humour - replied, "If you want to know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together at all. But, you see, my sermons aren't that interesting and I just can't have them sleeping together"

A Catholic boy was bragging to his Jewish friend. "My priest knows more than your rabbi." "Of course he does," said the Jewish boy. "You tell him everything."

There was something in the November 2005 "Scientific American" that had me chuckling. There were four burglars who broke into a veterinarian's office in Noblesville, Ind., looking for the painkiller known as OxyContin, which some people snort to get high. What they actually stole was oxytocin, which is given to laboring females to help them give birth, and develop nurturing feelings towards their progeny. The author says, "Maybe I'm wrong, but you've got to think that four young guys with enlarged, tender nipples and a tendency to cuddle are not going to fare that well in prison." He was saying that the burglars seemed to have an attention span of three letters, in order to confuse the two. At least they didn't steal the OxyClean.

Bill: My wife drives like lightning.
Doug: She drives fast?
Bill: No, she hits trees.

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like." "Okay," said his buddy. "Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels." "Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."

At a Couples Retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' Jane wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.' And Joe wrote: 'I love sex.'

According to 'Men's Health' magazine, the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. That's something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.

ESPN and COURT TV are working together to create a new channel. It will make it easier for you to follow the careers of all your favourite athletes.

The Five Stages of Life:
To Grow Up:
To Fill Out:
To Slim Down:
To Hold It In:
To Hell With It!

Top Euphemisms for Impotence:.
Performing with Flaccido Domingo.
A few parts shy of an erector set.
Sch-wing and a miss
Not rising to the level of impeachable offense.
The Null Monty.
Disappointing Miss Daisy.
Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics.
Less-than-Magic Johnson.
All Doled up with nowhere to go.
Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You.
Serving boneless pork
Ascension Deficit Disorder

A lady tourist noticed the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked."Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

Sign above the scale in a doctor's office: Pretend it's your IQ.

Newspaper Ad: “Lost - one upper dental plate by an alumnus in the vicinity of Psi Upsilon. Finder return to Psi U asth thoon asth pothible.”

A husband and wife were making their own funeral arrangements, and the director showed them into a room in which containers for ashes were on display. After they looked at the choices, the husband asked his wife if she had decided. She sighed. "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go into the ground." After a moment's pause, however, she continued. "But I really prefer the blue one. You know I always look good in blue."

If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated. This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

A birth control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.

My wife put up a thermometer outside the kitchen window that never seemed to tell the correct temperature. One chilly day, we both noticed that the thermometer, which was in direct sunlight, read a balmy 72 degrees. Without thinking, and to my everlasting regret, I suggested to my wife that she should stick that thing where the sun don't shine.

Last fall, a member of a high school’s Class of 1986 returned the standard alumni questionnaire with this response:
Marital Status - Not good
Wife's Name – Plaintiff

Dirty Mind Test:
Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer, give yourself two points, for every incorrect answer deduct two points. Answer at bottom of page. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score less than 14 points and are female...send address and photos! You may begin... now!
CLUES
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in, I can produce pain. I cause you to spit, and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You like to blow me.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.
11. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
13. My business is done in briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.
ANSWERS
1. Nose
2. Peanut Butter
3. A Crane
4. The Titanic
5. A Tent
6. A Dentist
7. A Wedding Ring
8. An Elevator
9. Chewing Gum
10. News Paper Boy
11. A Glove
12. An Arrow
13. An Attorney

At the checkout counter of the department store where I was a cashier, customers frequently asked me under what circumstances items were returnable. One woman who came through my line must have been aware of store policy. She pointed to the lacy red-and-black negligee she was about to purchase. "May I bring this back if it doesn't work?" she asked.

My husband and I were invited to a party, and each couple brought a dish. When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it said the recipe was called "Better Than Sex Cake." After my husband tasted it, he blurted out, "I sure feel sorry for the person who named this dessert."

Billy Bob was expostulatin’ one day, “Now you take my grandpa, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too." Zeb said,"Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?" Billy Bob elucidated, "A judge told him."

Why is it that the seats on airplanes can be used as a floatation device? I'd feel much safer if it could be used as a parachute and the whole plane was made out of something that could be used as a flotation device.

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, DC. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!" "You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration.

The best exercise for reducing is to move the head slowly from right to left when offered a second helping at the dinner table.

If you have children you will probably relate to this father:
I Love Mustard. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue. Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . . "Poupon."

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem overly concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey. "Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard, a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be." The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...."Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

The stalwart ladies of the church were aghast that the new organist, quite a buxom lass, played so exuberantly that her ample breasts would jiggle along in time to the music. Wishing to quell any distractions for the men of the congregation, they took the young lady aside after her first service and instructed her to rub alum on her breasts to tighten them up and cut down on the jiggling. During the first hymn of the next service, the women of the church exchanged approving glances as they could see that their strategy was working. When the hymn was over, the minister got up and announced, ”Due to thircumthanthes beyond ourw contwol, todayth thermon will be canthelled.”