Friday Funnies September 30-05

First, let’s catch up with the hurricane observations:"Everyone is still talking about Hurricane Katrina. Experts say it could take eighty days to drain all of the flood water out of New Orleans. When President Bush heard this he said, "Eighty days! That's half a vacation!" - Conan O'Brien

"It only took Bush four days to make a plan, but finally he said he had one. Unfortunately, it's a faith-based plan that involves getting two of every animal onto a big boat." - Bill Maher

"Congress announced a plan to rename the Gulf of Mexico. They want to call it Persian Gulf 2 in hopes that President Bush would send troops there faster." - Jay Leno

"This is inarguably a failure of leadership from the top of the federal government. Remember when Bill Clinton went out with Monica Lewinsky? That was inarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for his behavior. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is that tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina." - Jon Stewart

"Our president isn't exactly getting high marks for his handling of the catastrophe. People don't seem to realize, yes the hurricane has been devastating to the people who live in that area, but it has also ruined the last three days of his vacation. He has suffered, too." - Jimmy Kimmel

"Almost a week later, even President Bush said his administration's response to Katrina was unacceptable. Then he said: 'Hey, don't blame me. I was on vacation.' Although, to his credit, President Bush did respond quickly and he did send troops as soon as he found out Louisiana had oil." - Jay Leno

[Gaza City] After relief groups have successfully ended negotiations with the U.S. about assistance for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Palestinian spokesperson for the Red Crescent Society, Farouk El-Farouk has confirmed their nation's participation in the relief effort. It was confirmed that at 9:15am this-morning, 4 planeloads of volunteers from Gaza and the West Bank left Amman, bound for New Orleans to assist with the looting.

"President Bush sent Vice President Dick Cheney to New Orleans. Is that what they need down there? Another person requiring emergency medical help?" - Jay Leno

Hurricane Rita wasn't as bad as people thought it was going to be. In fact, Enron did more damage to Houston than Hurricane Rita. - Jay Leno

"Michael Jackson will be getting a complete makeover, and the objective here is to look more macho and less creepy. Another job too big for FEMA." - David Letterman

"Chicken experts at the University of Georgia, which sounds like a joke itself, have discovered how to transform dark meat into white meat. Well, it's nice to see Michael Jackson's doctor working again." - Jay Leno

"Michael Jackson wants to look more macho. He's now lifting weights and wearing shorter wigs. Hey, it worked for Janet Reno." - David Letterman

Forbes has come out with its annual list of the 400 richest Americans -- or as it's also called, the Bush cabinet. - Jay Leno

"A toilet manufacturer in Illinois has now come out with a line of reclining toilet seats. The seat is adjustable to 3 different lumbar positions. See, that's when you know you're spending too much time in the bathroom, when you're on a lazy boy toilet!" --Jay Leno (Women are thinking, "You gotta be kidding." Men are thinking, "Where can I get one and does it come with a remote and a magazine rack.")

"Do you know the worst place to be in a major earthquake? In a hospital operating room getting a vasectomy. Do you know the best place to be? A Hooters restaurant." - Jay Leno

A Russian track coach, interviewed by a Canadian sportswriter, was asked why the Soviets are now producing such fast runners. “It’s really quite simple,” the coach replied. “We use real bullets in our starting guns.”

The newly hired bellhop was discussing with an older employee the matter of tips. He said, “Next week should be pretty good with the Preachers’ Convention coming in.” The senior bellhop said, “I wouldn’t count on it.” The novice asked, “Why – are they cheap?” The older fellow replied, “Let’s put it this way. Last year they showed up with the Ten Commandments in one hand and a ten dollar bill in the other, and when they left they hadn’t broken either.”

Giving the man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any really physical sports?" "Not at all," said the man. "I just play bridge with my wife."

One day last week my secretary was being particularly dimwitted. After her third or fourth faux pas, frustration got the better of me and I blurted out, "What's your IQ anyway?!" She shot back defiantly, "20/20!"

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely young lady for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house immaculate. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She stammered around, finally saying she didn't want to say why. The wife was quite persistent, however, so the young lady finally said, "Well, on my day off a couple of months ago, I met this good-looking guy and ... well, I'm pregnant." The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay." This plan was agreeable to everyone involved, so the maid stayed. The baby came, a boy, the couple adopted it, and all went well. After several months, though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, and found out that she was pregnant again. The three adults decided that since the arrangement was working out so well, they would simply expand it to include the new baby. The baby girl was born and life went on as usual. The young mother went back to work, and all was well for nearly two years, until the day she approached the wife and said, "I am definitely leaving this time." The wife was aghast. "Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" "No," she said, "I just can't stand your fuckin' brats!"

On the church questionnaire, the elderly lady filled out all, but at the address when it came to 'zip,' she wrote, 'Normal for my age.'

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and so the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. As a result, custody was granted to the Winnipeg Blue Bombers this morning as it is believed that they are not capable of beating anyone.

Women love a challenge. Fortunately for them, most men provide this.

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my blonde neighbour declared that oatmeal would now be her cereal of choice. But after eating her first bowl, she said, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough." I asked how long she cooked it and she replied, "You're supposed to cook it?"

REDNECK TIP OF THE WEEK: Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop, place an order, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

Margaret decided to become an airline flight attendant because it's a wonderful way to meet lots of men. Her friend told her there were plenty of other jobs where you could meet men. Replied Mag,” Maybe so, but they wouldn't be strapped in their seats.”

A Painful Case of Auto Eroticism - London
A tiny sports car leaves a lot to be desired as a midnight trysting spot two secret lovers have learned.Wedged into a two-seater, a near-naked man was suddenly immobilized by a slipped disc, trapping his woman companion beneath him, according to a doctor writing in a medical journal here. The desperate woman tried to summon help by honking the horn with her foot. A doctor, ambulanceman, firemen and a group of passers-by quickly surrounded the couple's car in Regents Park. "The lady found herself trapped beneath 200 pounds of pain-racked, immobile man." said Dr. Brian Richards. '"To free the couple, firemen had to cut away the car frame," he added. The distraught woman helped out of the car and into a coat, sobbed, "'How am I going to explain to my husband what has happened to his car?"

A friend of mine was telling me he was taught sex ed in the fifth grade by a 65-year-old nun – that’s kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian. Either way, there's been very limited experience handling meat.

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He’s taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “You looked like you could be the father of one of my children.” He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says . . . “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ass?” Suddenly looking very uncomfortable, she said, “No, I’m your son’s Math teacher.”

Loser of the Month Award:"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled. After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there.""People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."

Even the Dalai Lama is not too wise to learn. While in New York, the Dalai Lama went up to an aged chili dog vendor and said, "I have come a long way to seek you out because I had heard that you can make me One With Everything." The veteran caterer of calorific canines sizes up the Enlightened One and replies, "One with everything costs five bucks!" The Dalai Lama carefully takes out a $10 dollar bill from his vestments and proffers it to the vendor. The wizened wiener merchant hands him back a chili dog with everything on it and goes on quickly to the next customer. The bewildered Dalai Lama softly asks, "What about my change?" The furtive frankfurter flogger ripostes, "You should know better - change comes from within."

A beautiful young Jewish girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married." Her mother says, "Oy, that's great." She says, "But, Ma, he's not Jewish." Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great." She says, "But, Ma, he's a Greek shipping magnate. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives." Six months later, she walks in the beautiful new house she bought for her parents and says, "Ma, I love my Greek shipping magnate, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar." Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

After the miraculous landing of the stricken Jet Blue plane at Los Angeles, reporters interviewed the passengers. The first one they talked to was a rabbi. "Your name, sir?" "I am Rabbi Jacob Schwartz from Santa Monica" "How did you feel when you became aware of the plane's problems?" the reporter asked. "Well, I was a bit apprehensive, but I put my faith in God, and we were spared," he said. The next person off the plane was wearing a collar. The reporter also asked him his name. "Father Daniel McCurdy of the Los Angeles Archdiocese" "And how did you feel as the plane circled about for three hours?" "To be perfectly honest, I was pretty nervous about it, but I offered my prayers to the Lord, and He answered them." The next person off the plane also was wearing a collar. "Your name, father? "My name is William Jackson." "Are you also with the LA Archdiocese?" "No, I am an Ecopalian." The reporter said, "Ecopalian??? I have never heard of that denomination" "Coming down on that plane just scared the piss out of me."

Murray, a deeply religious man, went to temple for Erev Yom Kippur and forgot his tallit, so he borrowed one from the rack at the temple. During the cantor’s very moving rendition of Kol Nidre, Murray couldn’t help but admire what a beautiful tallit he had borrowed. At the end of the service he realized that he liked this tallit better than his own, so he stuffed it down the front of his trousers to take it home. After the service when he was walking thru the reception line, the Rabbi stopped him and whispered, "Murray, I am sorry, but I saw you stuff the tallit down your pants. Why would you do this?" Murray, totally embarrassed and ashamed, explained the situation, whereupon the Rabbi suggested he remove it from his trousers and give it back. By now, the tallit had managed to slide half-way down his leg. While Murray was bent over pulling it out of his pant leg, he accidentally let out a fart. The Rabbi, exasperated, said, "Murray!... You took the shofar, too?!?"

A small town had three shuls - Orthodox, Conservative and Reform. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in their buildings. Each congregation, in its own fashion, had a meeting to deal with the problem. The Orthodox decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the shul and that they would just have to live with them. The Conservatives decided they should deal with the squirrels in the movement's style of Community Responsibility & Social Action. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. (Within three days, they were all back in the synagogue.) The Reform Synagogue had several lengthy meetings, including those in which all members voiced opinions. Finally they decided to vote the squirrels in as members of the Temple. Now they only see them on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.