Friday Funnies February 17 06

Tough week for the administration. Scandals. Leaks. Sagging poll numbers. They deserve a break. I suggest Bush and Cheney take time off. Go hunting....

Paris Hilton is reportedly upset because her private diaries have been stolen. Police say the suspect must have had access to her bedroom; so, it could be anyone. - Conan O'Brien

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future. - Richard Jeni

Shrink-to-fit jeans are a great idea on paper. But unfortunately, my grow-to-fit ass works faster than they do.

Have you ever felt like life is a car wash and you’re on a bike?

When you've dated as many clowns as I have, laugh lines are inevitable"

Did you know that hospital gowns come in three sizes? "Short, shorter, and don't bend over!"

They say that most divorced couples break up for financial reasons. That's what happened to me - my wife and I split up when I found out she was screwing our accountant.

Yesterday my ex-wife gave me a free holiday for my birthday. It’s a hunting trip with Dick Cheney and she got me a ride to Texas with Ted Kennedy.

A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain, and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying for years about men.

Paddy O'Shea, just over from Ireland, was being feted by a Boston buddy at an upscale "Irish" pub. "Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!" "Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer 15 years."

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favourites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'" "OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."

One night as my wife prepared for bed, she coated her very dry hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with a pair of white cotton gloves. As she sat in bed reading a book with her gloves on, I took one look, took off all my clothes, went and got a tie and put it around my neck and got into bed. My wife asked, "What are you doing?" I replied, "Well, if you are going to be formal, so am I."

My wife and I were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. She told me, "You're impossible." I replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Then get your own damned blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.

A buddy called me up last weekend and asked me if I could get out of the house to shoot some pool. I told him that I am the master of my home and can shoot pool whenever I want. Then I said,” “But hold on a minute while I find out if I want to.”

St. Peter was checking IDs at the gates of heaven. He asked a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man said, "I was a doctor." St. Peter said, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates." "Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates." "Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

Valentine's Day Advice By Women For Men – Too late for this year – get a good start for next year:
- No matter what she tells you to the contrary, she wants you to send her flowers at work. Or presents. We love presents anytime, anywhere. But work is always best.
- Carnations will win you ridicule, not respect. Red roses, candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach - did you think of those all by yourself?
- Men who can cook are terribly sexy.
- Gold necklaces with giant anchors, crosses, Italian horns or Mercedes charms on them are not sexy.
- If you have to ask if we came, we didn't.
She does not cum every time, no matter what you may think, feel, guess, hear, or read about to the contrary.
- That's a clitoris you're rubbing, not a coffee stain out of your white linen suit.
- We don't care if you look at porn. We do care if you hide your porn from us as if you were 12 years old.
- Make breakfast the morning after. Stale apple jacks with expired milk doesn't count.
- We like to wear your clothes. We would not like for you to wear ours.
- Play music while we make love. No, not Metallica.
- Don't pick up the phone during sex. Even if it's your broker. With a million-dollar investment tip ...... Maybe that would be okay, since you're taking us on a vacation to Hawaii to celebrate.
- Learn how to change positions without pulling out.
- Photograph us in the nude. But not when we're feeling bloated. Or when we're sleeping with our mouths open ... Or eating.
- Don't name your dick.
- Keep requests that your girl go bald down below to a minimum. Bikini waxes are painful enough, and are too much maintenance as it is. You think that waxing isn't so much to endure? Get your back waxed once in a while. Hurts, doesn't it?

Some say it's what's on the inside that counts. Don’t you think that if that were true about women, Playboy would be running centerfolds of brain tissues and gall bladders?

Things you don't want to hear from a woman the first time she sees you naked:
Just how MANY times were you circumcised?
If that thing moves, I swear, I'm gonna shoot it!
On second thought, I think I WILL have that drink.
I'm no expert, but shouldn't there be only two of those?
I don't believe I've ever seen a pair of those that long!
Wow! Smoking really DOES stunt your growth, doesn't it?
Isn't that supposed to be on the other side?
That reminds me! Who's up for shrimp?

The fisherman called his guide on his mobile phone to make arrangements for the following day. "For tomorrow’s trip we need two things - a punt and a canoe," he said. When he arrived the next day, there was a slutty looking woman waiting for him with the guide at the fishing lodge. "What’s with the tart?" he asked his guide. "Well", replied the guide, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get the first item, but what in the hell is a panoe?"

Paddy the Newfie is out fishing with his row boat when his oars get knocked overboard and, try as he might he can’t get them. He is stranded out in the middle of the lake with no way to paddle to shore. After about 2 hours he sees Mike in another row boat with two women in it. Paddy yells, "Mike, can I borrow one of your oars?" Mike yells back "They're not whores... they're me sisters."
During a lull in the rehearsal the Redneck groom and Billy Bob the best man, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Billy Bob, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've screwed every woman in this room." To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us we've had ‘em all!"

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "but is this stool taken?"

SLANGDAMONIUM WORD FOR TODAY - foreploy
Jeff cruises the singles bars every Friday and Saturday nite, and he runs a great line. He had truly become the master of foreploy.DEFINITION: Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

Everybody's a comedian. I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the drywall is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs?" "Put an ad in the personals column." he suggested.

While taking down the vitals for a soon-to-be mom, the nurse asked how much she weighed. "I really don't know," she said. "Well, more or less," the nurse prompted. "More, I guess," she answered sadly.

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir". "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "It was, sir."

A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As the minister was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost; And being a typical man did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He poured out his heart and soul. As he preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," He preached, and he preached, like he'd never preached before: From Genesis all the way to Revelation. As he closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to his car, he felt he had done his duty for the homeless man, and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another "I ain't never seen anything like this before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Sign in the window of Levy's Carpet Store
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Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court. The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?" "I'm 40 years old, your Honour." The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?" "I'm 40 years old, your Honour," answered Sadie again. "Well," said the judge, "you're not being truthful. It's written down here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you're over 60." "But your Honour," replied Sadie, "I'm not counting the last 20 years with my husband." "Why not?" asked the judge. "You call that living?" replied Sadie.

For those with a bissel Yiddish: The grandfather of a Jewish university student was depressed over the loss of his wife, so despite that the grandfather was a little hard-of-hearing and his command of English was not great, his grandson invited him to spend some time on campus with him. One afternoon the young man tells his grandfather that they are attending a special lecture to be presented by the world's outstanding expert on the subject of the rare laughing hyena."A vus?" asked the grandfather. "A laughing hyena ... a khayeh vus lakht." "Azoy," exclaims the old man doubtingly, puzzled by such a phenomenon, but he goes along. The lecture is rather boring, but occasionally the old man catches something which to him seems interesting, especially when the expert refers to statistical data."The laughing hyena urinates once a week," the expert declares."Voos, voos zoogt eyer?" asks the old man."Di khayeh voos lakht pisht zikh oys ayn moohl a vokh." "Azoy!" exclaims the old man. "The laughing hyena defecates once a month," explains the lecturer. "Vooz, voos zoogt eyer?" asks the old man. "Di khayeh voos lakht kahkt zikh oys ayn moohl a khoydesh." "Azoy!" exclaims the old man. "The laughing hyena has sexual relations once a year," suggests the lecturer. "Voos zoogt eyer?" asks the old man. "Eyer zoogt az di khayeh vus lakht trent ayn moohl a yooer." After a moment the puzzled old man said, "Az di khayeh voos lakht pisht zikh oys ayn moohl a vokht, kakt zikh oys ayn moohl a khoydesh, und trent ayn moohl a yoeor ... far voos lakht er?"