Friday Funnies November 18 05

According to National Insurance Crime Bureau, the Honda Civic is the most stolen vehicle in America. Do you know who is stealing them? SUV owners. - Jay Leno

A car that Paris Hilton was a passenger in was involved in a car accident. The guy told Paris that he didn't look before he pulled out. Hey, how many times has Paris heard that? She's okay. She's fine, although her legs went through the windshield. - Jay Leno

"The other day in Los Angeles, Paris Hilton was involved in a minor car accident. Apparently, Paris was rammed from behind, then, later, she had a car accident." - Conan O'Brien

Redhead: Don't you just hate when you want ONE cookie, but you have to buy whole bag to get one?
Brunette: Right! Or maybe you want ONE doughnut, but you have to buy the whole box of a dozen!
Blonde: And the hotel charges for the whole night when you're going to use it for only a couple of hours!

You're only young once. After that it takes some other excuse for acting like an idiot.

"Darling," seductively sighed the fashion model, "if I didn't wear all these beautiful clothes, would you still think me attractive?" He smiled and replied, "Test me."

At a party, a guy walks up to a stunning young woman and said, "Gentlemen prefer blondes." Thinking to shake him, she replied, "I'm not really a blonde." He said, "Good. I'm not really a gentleman."

A sweet young thing was sitting in a bar having a drink. This guy walked over and sat down next to her. He said, "You have that 'lost' look in your eyes." She said, "You're close. It's a 'get lost' look.

"Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come."

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, listed from the least to the most critical, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

The Organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn that the majority of women surveyed just pretended to celebrate.

What do you get when you mix holy water and prune juice? A religious movement.

President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold out since they are facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers. "Hell, if the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now", said Bush. Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 Marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 Marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one Marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few Women Marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave. President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our Marines out of there as soon as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the Marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The less they stand out, the better.

HAYWARD, WIS----THE DEER HUNTER WHO SHOT SIX FELLOW DEER HUNTERS TO DEATH WAS SENTENCED TO LIFE, NO PAROLE. (Associated Press 11/9) Before you ask, he won't be allowed to mount their heads on his cell wall.

TORONTO----MC MASTER UNIVERSITY RESEARCHERS FIND EVIDENCE THAT A 1200 POUND GORILLA LIVED IN ASIA FOR 1 MILLION YEARS BEFORE DYING OUT 100,000 YEARS AGO. (USA Today 11/9) The convincing evidence includes DNA sampling, carbon dating of bone fragments and a description provided by Dick Clark.

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No." She answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" "Yes." She replied. Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember.

How can you tell a poker player is lying? His chips are moving.

Heard of the Los Angeles poker hand? Four Clubs beat a King.

What is the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years the dog quits whining.

Heard about the guy playing poker with tarot cards? He got a full house and four people died.

How do you get a professional poker player off your porch? Pay him for the Pizza!

There are TWO rules for ultimate success in poker:
1. Never tell everything you know.

A sweet young thing defines the perfect man as a guy with a twelve inch tongue who can breathe through his ears.

Setting off the alarm while passing through a metal detector at McCarran Intl. Airport in Las Vegas, a blonde traveler was asked by a security agent if she had any change. "Gee," the blonde says, turning towards her husband, I told you we should've gone to Florida instead...everyone here expects to be tipped."

Why do people refer to someone who has just died as the "late" Mr. So and So? He ain’'t late.... he dead...and he ain’'t gonna be arriving at all.

My doctor ordered me to have not more than one drink a day. I’ve been a real stickler and it’s working very well. Right now I’m up to March, 2010.

One politician starts out a speech with, “Gentlemen, I wish to tax your memory.” Another politician pipes up,”Why didn't I think of that?”

Notice from Microsoft - Subject: Windas 2000 for Maritimers
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Nova Scotia/Newfoundland version of Windows 2000 may have accidentally been shipped outside of that area. If you have one of these editions, you may need some help in understanding the commands. The "East Coast" Edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAS 2000 with a background picture of a cod fish superimposed on a slice of baloney. It is shipped with a Jimmy Flynn screen saver (in Newfoundland only)(Nova Scotia versions feature Anne Murray or Rita MacNeil).Disks are packaged in an attractive Windas 2000 sou'wester.Also note: - the "Recycle Bin" is labeled "frenchies"- "My Computer" is called "dis gaadamned almighty ting"- "Dialup Networking" is called "trawling"- "Control Panel" is know as "de odder gaadamned almighty ting"- "Hard Drive: is referred to as "4 wheel drive"- "Floppies" are "dem jaysus little tings"Other feature: Instead of an Error Message, you get a pick-up truck covered with a garbage bag and duct tape and full of broken lobster traps.
Terminology:
OK = right some good
Cancel = oh bigaad no
Reset = oh my, oh my
No = christ 'n jaysus mighty no
Go to = goin' down
Back = arse side
Help = lord tunderin jaysus bye
Stop = cod end
Start = anchors away
Also note that Windas 2000 does not recognize capital letters, punctuation marks, spelling or grammar. As well, most of the time it doesn't work. If you accidentally received a copy of the "East Coast" Edition, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. Although why you would is beyond me, after all it is a genuine real right some good East Coast ting.May yer cod end be full and long may your big jib haul , Bill Gates.

Oldie Goldie on the English Language:
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...
If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

And while we're on the subject....I fear the French are taking over the English language, perhaps as a prelude to revoking the Louisiana Purchase, reclaiming Canada, and reversing the result of the Napoleonic Wars.When I started a dossier on this phenomenon, with the intention of publishing an exposé, I uncovered an embaras de richesse. The French invasion of our language began with the Norman invasion of England in 1066, and (plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose) it continues today, under cover of a clever masquerade. We are constantly told that the French language is being destroyed by a mélange of English words. It's something of a cause célèbre here that English clichés like "le weekend" and "le snack bar" are polluting their precious vocabulary. My riposte is that, au contraire, it is the English language that is being polluted. French words have been imported en masse. As we say au revoir to the fin de siècle, we scarcely know which language we are speaking any more.If you are something of a bon vivant, you know that French has long been the language of haute cuisine. We go to the bistro for hors d'oeuvres and an entrée, à la carte, wish one another bon appetit, and wonder whether the plat du jour of chicken à la king would be more piquant with a soupçon of bouquet garni. But food is only the tip of the iceberg. The French have pulled off a tour de force of verbal imperialism, claiming carte blanche to rewrite the entire English language, and I don't see any chance of a rapprochement unless we isolate the whole French nation behind a linguistic cordon sanitaire.As a writer, I can't afford to be blasé about this. My native tongue is en route to becoming a pastiche, or even a purée. Sometimes, faute de mieux, I find myself using a French word, because it happens to be the mot juste.But consider this: if an English-speaking person is looking for a job, he or she must send out a short account of their work experience - not an old-fashioned Latin curriculum vitae but a subversive French resumé. In today's laissez-faire economy, where nouveau riche entrepreneurs are too blasé to read a whole life history, it might be more à propos for candidates to send a précis of their resumé, or even a simple aide memoire.My cri de coeur went unheeded by the Chargé d'Affaires at the British consulate, who dismissed my concerns as outré. I discussed the problem, tête à tête, with my French teacher. She is a connoisseur of language, and I thought we had a good rapport. But it was déjà vu all over again. She was quite brusque, and we soon reached an impasse. "This is some stupid bête noire of the English," she said." It's completely passé. It is never comme il faut to use French words in English."If there is any good news in this sad story, it is that I'll soon be able to speak French perfectly, simply by speaking English. So my raison d'etre for learning the language is rapidly disappearing, and may soon receive the coup de grâce. The triumph of French over English is almost a fait accompli."Merde, Mon Dieu et Au Revoir!

It has long been thought that the game of golf originated in Scotland in the fifteenth century. Recently uncovered evidence indicates that this sport actually began in eastern Europe and for many years was enjoyed by the Jews of the area. Stories passed down from generation to generation told of Moses and Aaron and their famous Desert Classic, which endured for 40 years. This great tradition was re-born many years later in the fields and forests of eastern Europe. A shepherd, Velvel Gross, passed the time by hitting pebbles with his shepherd's crook. The number of times he hit the stones became known as Gross Score. He eventually decided to layout an actual course by utilizing the adjacent farmers' properties. The playing area consisted of 18 segments - the number chosen to represent the Hebrew symbol Chai, meaning Life. The game could then be played by Wednesday golfers as 9 holes (half-Chai), regular golfers as 18 holes (Chai), enthusiasts and fitness-freaks as 27 holes (Chai-and-a-half), and with the wives during mixed play (double-Chai),The putting surface was named after Lazar Green, because the shortest grass was found on his property. The search for durable projectiles (which could sustain repeated strikes with wooden sticks) led to the Rebbetzin's kitchen, where her dimpled matzoh balls were the clear-cut winners. They came in 90 or 100 compression and were vigorously tested by a mechanical arm called Iron Myron. Parva or Par, meaning neither here nor there, was the number of shots allocated to each hole. Faivel the Sissy scored the first recorded Birdie, as onlookers shouted, "Not bad for a Faygelah? , The Eagle was so named for Adler the Shtarker, who scored the first amazing 2-under-par! Soon courses sprung up all over the land with such exotic names as Knobble Beach, Grieven Valley, Seder Brook and the two richest clubs: Chelm Ridge and Chai Ridge. This particular group was known as The Haymishe Five. Membership in these clubs provided many diverse activities. Tournaments such as Blinsis and Schnapps and Beat the Tsar (which was a shotgun) were organized. Social events included Revolutionary Hop and Pogrom Night and were carefully planned. A committee of men was responsible for the many rules and regulations that all were required to observe. Men's and women's facilities were strictly segregated according to Jewish law. A dress code was rigidly enforced, in spite of the women's insistence on the right to bare arms. Shortly thereafter, the top golfers in the land emerged and formed the PGA (Polish-Galitzianer Association). Famous Jewish golfers of the era were Julius Boros, Sam Snead, Ben Crenshaw, Jack Nicklaus, Max Faulkner, Harry Varden and Al Geiberger. These names are immortalized in the Chalah Fame. Of course the person who carried the golfers equipment around the course was called a Mercedes. And, oh yes - it is believed that the name GOLF is an acronym of the often-heard words- Gevalt, Oy, Ligner and Feh!