Friday Funnies November 11 05

Lest we forget. Remembrance Day November 11, 2005. Year of the Veteran
My Dad was always proud to be a war veteran who served in the Canadian Army in England, Italy and Holland and indeed he never complained that he lost the hearing in his right ear on the battlefield. I fear our generation may have taken far too lightly the sacrifices of our elders, in that we have grown up as a very privileged generation who, for the most part, have not been called to serve. A friend was telling me a couple of days ago that he has made it a point to be less cynical about honouring our heroes and that he will be going to a service honouring our veterans this evening. I intend to do the same. My Dad passed away this year and is sorely missed. Besides wearing my poppy, I’d like to reprint the words of the poem, “In Flanders Fields” by John McCrae, in honour of James Campbell Whitefield and all the men like him who gave of themselves for us. We all miss you Dad.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

And now, from the serious, sincere and sublime, to the more usual mannerless, mischievous, mocking and mordant.

Woody Allen told Vanity Fair his marriage to Soon Yi has a paternal feel to it. Gee, I can't imagine why! I guess that's common when you marry your daughter! - Jay Leno

The bra is 91 years old today. It was invented one day after the invention of the trampoline. - Jay Leno

The Wall Street Journal' reports that an increasing number of senior citizens are enrolling in college. School officials say they're just like regular students except they do 'Jell-O shots' for the Jell-O." - Conan O'Brien

Once a month, when the moon is full, Reverend Jim Bleaker and his lovely wife, Teddi, invite members of the church to the parsonage for an evening of hymn singing, followed by cookies, tea, and a frenzied orgy on the lawn outside, making sure, of course, to take all the usual precautions for safe sects. (Brian W. Holmes)

Doctors in New Hampshire had to call in a locksmith after a man came into the emergency room with his testicles locked in a padlock. Welcome to married life, pal!

All marriages are happy...it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings.

My wife and I were sitting in the den last night and I told her that I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. I said if that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up and unplugged the TV.

My doctor handed me a prescription and said, "Make sure that you try to take these pills on an empty stomach...if such an opportunity ever presents itself!"

On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of pregnancy are often masked by obesity. In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman, the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted the aid of two nurses who wrapped the woman's legs in sheets and pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a chair between her legs and made his diagnosis: "You're pregnant," he said. "But how you got that way without two sheets and a chair is beyond me." The patient replied, "You know, you're not the first short-dick man to tell me that.

"Then there were the Newfie newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive.

Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers; and after many years they decided to Anglicize their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss Brothers. After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on, she should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers." "I quit," said Ethel. "But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will be the same!" "Yeah? Well YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer and find that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"

A woman complained to a friend that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" her friend asked. "I could," she replied," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

Cheryl was at a friends wedding and the friend's father asked her to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but she figured what the hell. So they were dancing and Jill asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself Richard?" He said, "I prefer Dick." Cheryl nonchalantly replied, "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with anything?"

After a full examination, a surgeon told me, “You need an operation.” I thought it over and then said, “I’d like a second opinion.” “O.K.,” replied the surgeon. “You don’t need an operation.”

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and bragging about their surgical feats. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." The second one began to brag, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics." Not to be undone, the third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

And, in a similar vein:BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLICANS: (With apologies to Ian for daring to mess with his favourite song)
Mine Eyes have seen the bungling of that stumbling moron Bush;
he has blathered all the drivel that the neo-cons can push;
he has lost sight of all reason 'cause his head is up his tush;
The Doofus marches on.

I have heard him butcher syntax like a kindergarten fool;
There is warranted suspicion that he never went to school;
Should we fault him for the policies - or is he just their tool?
The lies keep piling on.

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
His wreckage will live on.

I have seen him cut the taxes of the billionaires' lone heir;
As he spends another zillion on an aircraft carrier;
Let the smokestacks keep polluting - do we really need clean air?
The surplus is now gone.

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!

It was a typical Fall Saturday and the wife happened upon her husband sprawled on the couch, beer in hand, staring at a college football game on the TV. After taking in the scene a few moments, she said, "Ya know George, somehow I find it difficult to believe that you're the end product of millions of years of evolution.

My secretary stopped me as I approached her desk. Red faced and nervous, she pointed to an expense statement and asked if I thought it appropriate to charge the company for such an item. It read "Viagrafix." I didn't see any cause for her concern, until I realized we were reading the word differently: she as "viagra fix" and I, "ViaGrafix," a software design package.

Last night after dinner, my wife handed me a bottle of Rogaine hair restorer. I told her while I was indeed starting to thin out some, I didn't really think I needed hair restorer yet. She said, "Oh. It's not for you, it's for your secretary, she seems to be losing quite a bit of her hair on your jacket."

Jim and Fred are at the local discussing the respective sex lives "Well," says Fred, "truth be known, I'm just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankering' for a bit of variety." Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?" Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"

My ex-girlfriend left a box of tampons at my house. I keep a couple of them with me at all times. In case someone starts playing classical music, I'll jam them in my ears. I hate music from that period!

A man called his neighbour to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge. "Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in." A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "In?"

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels:” invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Here’s a fable about a skunk, a lion and a hawk who were debating as to which one was the most dangerous and feared animal in the jungle. The hawk claimed top dog: 'I win because I hit 'em from above and, from above, I got the best view of all. I see things nobody else does!' The lion rejoined: 'Nonsense! I'm the most powerful animal of all, with the longest, sharpest teeth and claws. I'm the most dangerous, for sure!' Then the skunk said: 'I have power to stink up the whole jungle and run out every man or beast in the territory.' And so they argued, on and on, until a big old bear came ambling along and swallowed the three of them, Hawk, Lion and Stinker!

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once." "What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk. "Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."

A friend was telling me he didn’t think his wife was very bright. He said she seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen and that when he came home early one day last week, he found she'd hired someone to guard them! In fact, he said, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.

"Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities and some perhaps not so good qualities. In considering our fellow man, we should remember his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove that he is, after all, a human being. We should refrain from making harsh judgment of a person just because he happens to be a dirty, rotten, no-good son-of-a-bitch.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent." "What was the sin?" the rabbi asked. "It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread." "Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "That's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?" "I felt awkward Rabbi," said Morris. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant." The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?" "I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed." "And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked. Morris replied, "It was Yom Kippur."