Friday Funnies October 7-05

"According to the National Enquirer, President Bush has started drinking again. You know who I feel sorry for, Barbara Bush. Her son's hitting the bottle and her husband's hanging out with Bill Clinton. She's the one who should be drinking!" - Jay Leno

The National Enquirer says that president Bush has started drinking again. You thought he was falling off his bicycle before. Are you worried that President Bush might be drinking again? Why? Let's say he is drinking. It'd be hard to screw up more than we have already. The way things are going with his administration, I'm surprised Betty Ford is not drinking again. - Jay Leno"

Yesterday in Beverly Hills, Paris Hilton was pulled over by police for erratic driving. There was an awkward moment when the cop had to say, 'Ma'am, that's not my Breathalyzer.'" - Conan O'Brien

Jennifer Aniston appeared on 'Oprah' and said that she's over Brad Pitt. In a related story, Angelina Jolie says that some nights she's over Brad Pitt; other nights she's under Brad Pitt." - Conan O'Brien

LOS ANGELES----DON ADAMS, STAR OF THE 60'S SITCOM "GET SMART," DIES AT THE AGE OF 82. (USA Today 9/27) Would you believe 84? ... 77? ... 91? ... that he's just feeling under the weather? (Sorry about that, Chief)

George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?" George replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.

Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car. Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"

I was talking with a fellow from North Bay in northern Ontario. I asked him what the weather was like way up there. He told me they have four seasons just like us, but up there, they’re called early winter, midwinter, late winter, and next winter.

My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy Magazines for the same reason. She figures with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit.

I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them?

And then there was the sanitation worker who got fired because he couldn't keep his mind in the gutter.

Two little girls were discussing their fathers. One, boasting, said, “My daddy is a dentist.” “That's nothing,” replied the other. “My daddy is a civil serpent.”

I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history. After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."

An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation. "I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone." He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "Shortness Of Breath" and not what he thought.

Baseball's new comeback-player-of-the-year award is sponsored by Viagra. I can't wait to see the trophy. -Scott Oster: San Francisco Chronicle

A blonde walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?""

The other night I asked my wife, 'Do you feel the sex and excitement have gone out of our marriage?' She said, 'I'll discuss it with you during the next commercial'"

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

The suave Central American diplomat was talking to the prim and proper Washington hostess. "In my country," he said, "the most popular of all activities is making love." Shocked, the wide eyed hostess said, "Oh! Isn't that revolting?" "No," the diplomat replied, "that's our second favourite activity."

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?" He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

An Air Canada plane took off from Torbay Airport in St. John's. After it reached its cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from St. John's to Toronto. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax . . . .OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed. After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "I'm sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A Newfoundlander passenger yelled, "That's nothing bye. You should see the back of mine!"

Best gags from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival...

- I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. - Marcus Brigstocke
- Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. - Jimmy Carr
- The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. - Chris Addison
- My Dad is Irish and my Mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.- Patrick Monahan
- My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. - Susan Murray
- Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? - Adam Bloom
- You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go, "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shoot, I wasn't listening… Self-raising?" - Addy VanDerBorgh
- I saw that show, “50 Things To Do Before You Die”. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". - Mark Watson
- Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. - Demetri Martin
- I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud, "I've already got one!" - Norman Lovett- It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. - Chris Addison
- I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. - Arnold Brown
- One Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?" "No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly!"

And to keep the Celtic theme going, here’s a little bagpipe humour (very little):
- How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison? Shoot one.
- What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
- What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
- How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
- How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
- What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? You can tune the lawn mower. Also, the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
- If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
- How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? Add vibrato.
- What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
- What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead bagpiper in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake.
- What's the range of a bagpipe? Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
- Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice.
- How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? Someone is blowing into it.
- Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the sound.
- What's one thing you never hear people say? That's the Porsche of bagpipes.
- What's the definition of "optimism"? A bagpiper with a beeper.
- Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back seat? He rushed back as soon as he realized it but it was too late -- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!
- What’s the sweetest sound in the world? The sound you hear as a set of bagpipes goes sailing into a dumpster and lands on an accordion!

One of the Norwegian fliers who escaped the Nazi invasion went to England, and joined the Air Force there. He was a very good pilot, and shot down so many Nazi planes that the British pulled him to the ground and had him give talks to boost morale. The first talk that he gave was at the London Garden Society. This was a venerable collection of blue haired ladies who owned most of London and its surroundings, they having had the forethought to outlive their husbands.
The Norwegian pilot got up after the normal introductions, and started talking about the latest battle in the air against the enemy. Talking with his hands, which is something most pilots do, he described how these "fockers" came out of the sun, and how he dove and gave chase to one, and shot the "focker" down. At that point the President of the club got up, reacting to the open mouths of the ladies. She explained, saying that the "Focker" was a German aircraft. The Norwegian pilot said, "Yah but deese fockers was flying Messerschmidts."

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check. The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with: "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer. Every Saturday she would drive the Reverend Mother into town for the shopping. All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park. "Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out." Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be? Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman. "Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?" "No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"

Seasonal update to an Oldie Goldie:Morris Cohen hoisted his schnapps and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!" That won him the top prize at the club for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Barbara, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "That's nice. . . And what was your toast?" Morris said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in shul (synagogue) beside my wife." "Oh, Morris, that is very nice indeed!" Barbara said. The next day, Barbara ran into one of Morris's club buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Morris won the prize the other night at the club with a toast about you, Barbara." She said, "Sure, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time, on Yom Kippur, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Blacks developed the blues. Jews complain; we just never thought of putting it to music.- John Stewart."

I'm Jewish but not very religious. I go to Temple twice a year. Christmas and Easter." - Jeffery Ross

I'm Jewish but we're not very religious. My mother had a menorah with a dimmer switch. - Richard Lewis

So, last week just before the holidays I’m speaking with my wife on my cell and she asks me to go to the supermarket on Wilson to get her some kosher chicken for the holiday chicken soup. She says she hopes they still have some, being so close to the holidays and if the that store doesn’t have any, maybe you’ll go up to Steeles and try there and if they don’t have any then maybe you’ll go up to Clarke. I say, no problem, I’m just down the street from Wilson, but while I’m there is there anything else you’d like. She says, oh yeah maybe some kosher dills because the Rosens are coming and oh, I almost forgot, get me some more honey for the honey cake and oh yeah, maybe a dozen eggs, I’m getting low– you know, the Omega Three ones. I said hold on a minute, I think I better get out a pencil ‘cause I’m liable to forget something. Now, my wife doesn’t have a lot of patience for my forgetfulness so she says, “For goodness sake just remember chicken, honey and eggs, how hard is that?” So I go into the store which is total mayhem with all the balabustas running around stocking up for the holidays and I keep telling myself, “chicken, honey, eggs – chicken, honey, eggs..”. I work my way to the back of the store managing to pick up some of the last packages of chicken, I find the honey just around the corner and just over from there I pick up the eggs. I go to the express line and in less than fifteen minutes all together I’m back in the car with all three items – chicken, honey and eggs. I start driving home feeling so good that I remembered everything. I called my wife to tell her I was on my way home and I got everything at the first store – chicken, honey and eggs. She said, “What about the dill pickles?” I knew I should have got out a pencil.