Friday Funnies February 3 06

On Groundhog Day I saw my own shadow – looks like 6 more weeks of diet.

Fifteen people in Los Angeles have been arrested for counterfeiting after one of them used phony one hundred dollar bills to pay for a three-hour lap dance. Three hours?! That's not a lap dance! In L.A., that's a long-term relationship! - Jay Leno

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

If a woman has large hands that turn you off, focus your eyes on something else, like, say, her Adam's apple.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

At a friend’s for dinner I was passed a plate of cow tongue. I politely declined saying I wouldn’t eat anything that came out of an animals mouth. Our host responded, "Well, pass him the eggs then."

A church deacon learned there was a nudist colony in his parish and decided he should visit the place to let the nudists know they'd be welcomed at the church, properly dressed. He was advised that he could only enter if he removed his clothing to which he agreed but requested that he be allowed to retain his clerical collar, which request was granted. After an hour or so, he noticed he was being closely and continuously observed by an attractive nudist. He approached the woman and said. "If you're wondering about my clerical collar, I'm a deacon in the church." To which the woman replied, "Oh, no, I was looking at your balls, I thought you were a canon!"

Understanding American Newspapers:
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics displayed in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose families used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarves who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. None of the above is read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.

After many years of observation, I’ve come to the conclusion that life is all about ass! You are either: covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or living with one.

The blonde told her girlfriend how romantic her new boyfriend was. She said he speaks to me, he begins by saying 'Fair Lady'." Her brunette friend quipped, "Romantic my ass! Don't you know he used to be a bus driver?!"

When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite...what's that?" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...uh... features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my Heavens! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR:
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Creme opened a shop in my neighbourhood.!Air bag's? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.My fuel rate burns inefficiently.But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character. Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars.

Margaret, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette. The local priest, walks by and gives her a glare. "Margaret! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?" "What?" said Margaret. "You got something better to do after sex?"

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long. She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?" "I am only here to get something to eat!"

One day I dashed to the elevator swinging my arms. As I entered, I swung my hand around and accidentally cupped a male co-worker's crotch. He quickly quipped, "Next time, why don't you take me out for dinner and a movie first?"

One night last summer as I was trying to fall asleep one little mosquito kept coming around to my ear making a sound like “Zzzzzzzzzt, zzzzzzzt!” I tried to cover my ears but the little devil was very persistent and just as I was about to doze off he would return. After about an hour of this, I finally got out of bed, turned on the light and caught the mosquito in my hand. I wanted revenge, but the sight of the poor little fellow in my hand wouldn’t let me squish him. In fact, I started singing him a lullaby, “Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep dear mosquito." After only a couple of verses, the cute little fellow started to fall into a deep sleep in my hands. That’s when I leaned in very close and whispered, “Zzzzzzzzzt, zzzzzzzt!

Game show banter:
1. On the Newlywed Game, Bob Eubanks asked the wife where the most unusual place they had ever had sex was. Response: "That's got to be up the butt, Bob."
2. On Password, the secret word was "deer": The celebrity gave the clue "DOE". The black contestant responded "KNOB".
3. The old Cross-Wits show was a crossword puzzle. The host gives one of the two teams a clue, and they have to guess the answer and fill in the crossword. Alice Ghostley from Bewitched and Designing Women was the celebrity. The clue was "A famous woodpecker." Alice responded for the team "Pinocchio."

Built at a cost of millions of manufacturing jobs and an untold number of small local businesses, there is nary a point in God's America that isn't within screaming distance of the Great Wal-Mart of (Made in) China. Though it continues to spread across the landscape like some unstoppable fungus from your grandparents' worst nightmares, the Great Wal-Mart of (Made in) China is already the only retail outlet visible from outer space. Economic experts have predicted that by the year 2015, fully three-quarters of the nation's redneck workforce will be employed by the Great Wal-Mart of (Made in) China.

Here are some New Age Corporate and Investment terms:
CEO - chief embezzlement officer.
CFO - corporate fraud officer.
P/E - parole entitlement.
EPS - eventual prison sentence.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Someone who has owned equities for the last two years and who's now locked up long-term in a hospital.

Church Bumper Stickers:A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the Church for a face-lift.
Be ye fishers of men - you catch them & He'll clean them.
Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
Don't wait for six strong men to take you to Church.
Exercise daily - walk with the Lord.
Give God what's right - not what's left.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
He who angers you controls you.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma - but never let him be the period.
Man's way leads to a hopeless end - God's way leads to an endless hope.
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
Read the Bible - It will scare the hell out of you.
Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
The Church is prayer-conditioned.
WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
We don't change God's message - His message changes us.
When God ordains, He sustains.
When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.
Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.

A young Jewish woman I know is five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After she had a minor accident, her mother, Rebecca, accompanied her to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for the young lady’s height and weight, and she blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, her mother leaned over to her. "Sarah, my love," she said, "From your lips to G-d's ears, but for now, remember, this is NOT the Internet."

Did you see the recent story in the Jewish Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse? Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbos and it forced many local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour. A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, "I'm appalled by the rise in white challa crimes!"