Friday Funnies January 6 06

Earlier this week, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that group sex is legal and that it can even be done in nightclubs. And you thought hockey was their national pastime! Group sex is now legal in nightclubs in Canada! It kind of gives new meaning to the phrase 'Canadian Mountie.' - Jay Leno

A disaster expert in England has come out with a list of the top ten disasters British people fear most. Number one is a Charles and Camilla sex tape. - Jay Leno

A Missouri woman was taken to the hospital after swallowing a cell phone. The good news is, it was a camera phone and they were able to do a colonoscopy. - Jim Barach

Scientists say they can monitor brain activity and predict what people will think of next. That's easy. If you are a guy, the next thing you will think of is sex. If you are a married woman, the next thing you will think of is how to avoid sex with your husband. - Jim Barach

Online search engine leader Google has unveiled a new feature that will enable its users to zoom in on homes and businesses using satellite images. It's really the perfect service for the stalker or terrorist on a budget. - Dennis Miller

After his divorce, Mr. Smith realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.

Can you imagine what a scarcity of news there would be if everybody obeyed the Ten Commandments?

For the "Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology," researchers spent a considerable amount of research funds and claim to have found that birth control pills give women's voices a more pleasant sound. Of course any idiot could have told them that, because men always think it's more pleasant to hear "Yes," than "No."

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"

Mother to teenage daughter: "You're going to have to learn to lick your smoking problem... and you're going to have to learn to lick your drinking problem... and as for sex, well, uh...uh...uh...you're going to have to learn to fight that too !

My wife and I were watching some TV show the other night where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that. She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in you."

Any of you who have ever seen an old fashioned formal wedding portrait will notice that the man is seated, and the woman is standing alongside. While that may seem just the reverse of what it should be -- think about it. He was probably too damn tired to stand, and she was too damn sore to sit down.

Going bald wouldn't be so bad if there were a reason for it. Like let's say under hair, written on your head, are prizes. Like a scratch-off game: "Hey I'm bald, but look what I won, a large fries!"
One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?" The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with a few."

Finally, The Mirror sent reporter Jenny Johnston to Aberdeen to test the claim, made in British Journal of Psychiatry, that Aberdeen is Scotland’s most miserable city, where up to 20% of residents suffer from seasonal affective disorder (SAD). One of the people she approached was a grey-coated old man waiting for a bus. Did he think, she asked, that Aberdeen deserved it’s title as the most miserable place on earth? He replied, “Fook off!”

SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

She was only a computer programmer's daughter, and she was a piece of user-friendly software who grabbed men's joysticks, turned their floppies into hard drives, went down at the touch of a button, was easy to enter, and let them come interface.

Jim is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny Mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," says Jim and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Jim, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Jim stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Jim moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Jim replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, being somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Dr. DeBakey is that you? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take the valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly to Morris: "Try doing your work with the engine running."

Ain't It The Truth
Most people deserve each other.
All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.
If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote, "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

The Pope was saying daily Mass, before a throng of the faithful, at the Vatican. The Pope finished his sermon with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini," translated in English, meaning, "Blessed be Mankind." A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They were taken back that the Pope blessed all "Mankind," but not, "Womankind." The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini," translated in English, meaning, "Blessed be Mankind and Womankind." The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they took notice that he blessed mankind and womankind, and insisted that he also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure, no problem". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?" "What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second: The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third: Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth: When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth: You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth: I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh: One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth: One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth: Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth: Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally: If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.