Friday Funnies June23-06

"Big personnel change at the White House. ... Yesterday, President Bush's chief speech writer announced he's leaving the White House. ... His exact words were, 'Me go now.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Last week President Bush created the world's largest protected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands National Monument. The preserve is larger than all of America's national parks combined. It contains sea life that has inspired some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush is creating a Marine sanctuary in the Pacific Ocean off the northwest islands of Hawaii. You know what that means? No oil there." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore is getting more vocal lately. He spoke out today about the U.S. air strike. You know, we used those two 500 pound bombs to kill that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi guy. Well, Gore said they could have done the same job with one hybrid mini-bomb that runs on vegetable oil." --Jay Leno

A teacher in Kentucky has been suspended for appearing in a porno movie. And I thought it was awkward seeing my teacher at the grocery store! - Jay Leno

"This is a little frightening. The White House says North Korea has missiles with the capability ... of being launched in North Korea and landing on the west coast of the United States. ... I was thinking about this and was like, 'Oh hell, that's Leno's problem.'" --David Letterman

"According to scientists ... one day we may have sex with robots. And if you want to know what that's like, just ask Maria Shriver." --David Letterman

Paris Hilton backed her SUV into a Honda accord in a parking garage and apparently left without leaving her personal information. Apparently she just didn't want to give her phone number to someone who drove a Honda. The incident was captured on video. It's not the first time a video has been released where she is getting rear ended. - Jim Barach

Too much of a good thing... can be wonderful. - Mae West

For all you footballers:It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*t and we can't be bothered." Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself. You lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads " Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)." They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down.""Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, no, I have, I've let you down. I got sent off after 12 minutes."

A woman doesn't know what kind of man she doesn't want until she marries him.

A man walking home late at night sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars” she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a Police Officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the Officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," says the man, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face".

Apparently Paul McCartney spent his 64th birthday quietly at home with his family. When one of his children asked if he would ever go down on one knee again he replied, “Please, I’d rather you refer to her as Heather.”

I told my wife the other day that I had heard on the news that a Hollywood actress had stabbed her husband. She asked “Which actress?” I said, Reese……ahh….. Reese…… She chimed in, “Witherspoon?” I replied, “No, with her knife!”

A new drink containing nicotine has been created for smokers who have to fly or find themselves in a place where they can't light up. Developers in California who invented Nic Light said the drink is the equivalent of smoking two cigarettes. Testers said it tastes like water, with a hint of lemon and nicotine. The drink is available at some terminals at LAX and is being stocked at other airports across the country. Nothing like having ‘the patch’ in a bottle - just add some booze and caffeine and you’d never have to leave your house!

After spending fifteen sexually starved years in an asylum, an inmate escapes. The first female he runs across is a washer-woman hanging up the institution's laundry to dry. He takes her, satisfies his urges and dashes on to freedom. The local newspaper ran the following headline: "NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS!"

Ladies, you're in good shape as long as you can still touch your toes ... Just remember, using your boobs doesn't count.

You shouldn't get jail time for bigamy. Isn't having multiple mothers-in-laws enough punishment?

A woman asked her husband for a pearl necklace for her birthday even thogh she knew they were going through some financial difficulty. The clever husband came up with a novel solution to his dilemma. He gave her a bushel of oysters, a piece of string and a needle, then wished her the best of luck.

After 25 years of marriage, a fellow takes a look at his wife and says, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, two nice cars, a big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old grandmother. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." His wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older. The tax would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?" Or be a teenager and come home to find your dad with your tax bill in his hand. We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns. Locker room conversations would change... "Get a load of this Hollywood tax bill!" The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee. And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase,"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal"...and deductions for masturbation.

Two Newfie hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck."

I was having a drink at a bar and struck up a conversation with the fellow next to me. As we were becoming quite familiar with each other, I asked him his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" I asked. "Just Fred",he responded, “I don’t have a last name.” So I asked how on earth he lost his last name. He replied "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted! to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.

The earth-friendly group of eco-terrorists went on a rampage at a car dealership, smashing all of the largest models of gas-guzzlers . They were arrested, of course, but they found themselves before a sympathetic judge, who let them off with a warning. He found that their actions were justifiable Hummer-cide.

In honour of Toronto’s Gay Pride Week:A man asked his doctor if there was a test to help him determine if he was gay. The Doctor said "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants." The man pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man said "55." The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55. The man said "55". The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's ass he once again told him to say 55. The guy goes, "1...2...3..."

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

A woman needing a new car went to a local dealer with a long list of requirements. "It must be inexpensive," she told the salesman, "but big enough to transport eight Wolf Cubs and all their camping equipment. It has to have lots of headroom. I don't want air-conditioning because I like to feel natural breezes. And I'm not concerned about horse-power or a smooth ride." The salesman looked at her for a long time and then said, "The covered wagon no longer exists, ma'am."

Sarah Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling down the street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen. Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60's asked the elderly lady---"Mrs. Goldberg how are you feeling?" For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a terrible stare and then she said--"You ask me how I'm feeling! I'll tell you how I'm feeling!! My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast and I can't sleep! I have horrible headaches and stomach pains too!" The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with compassion. "If you're feeling so awful, why don't you come and see me right away?" Sarah let out a sigh and said, "I was just waiting until I felt a little better."

The Rabbi’s Out of Office Reply: I will be out of the office from June 15th till June 30th. For immediate assistance on Judaism please contact Avram Greenberg or God.

A man called the government office and requested an estimate of his benefits upon retirement. After he got the information, he went on to inquire about his wife's benefits. He was asked if she had ever worked. "She has worked all her life making me happy," he replied. That was nice, the clerk commented, but had she ever contributed to a pension plan? "No," he said. "We made an agreement when we got married. I would make the living and she would make the living worthwhile."

May you make YOUR living worthwhile!