Friday Funnies March 3 06

According to a poll in Esquire magazine, the colour most women find sexiest on a guy is blue. To which Anna Nicole Smith said -- 'I love it when guys turn blue!' - Jay Leno

Did you hear about this? An execution was postponed in California after a group of doctors refused to participate in the lethal injection. They couldn't go ahead with the execution because there were no doctors present. And that was a good thing because, God forbid, something should go wrong and the man died! - Jay Leno

The White House has given permission for a company owned by the government of Dubai to run six U.S. ports, including the Port of New York. Now Dubai was accused of supporting the September 11th attacks and was one of only three countries to support the Taliban. Now they're going to run the Port of New York. What's next, we'll put Mexico in charge of immigration? How about Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? Courtney Love in charge of Olympic drug testing? - Jay Leno

An Arab country in charge of ports. That's like FEMA in charge of disaster relief. That's like Wayne Gretzky's wife in charge of your bank account. It's like Michael Jackson as your nanny. - David Letterman

Do you think it's a good idea letting an Arab country take over our ports? This is like letting Bill Clinton be the manager of a Hooters. It's not a good idea. - Jay Leno

Attempting to defuse the controversy over the decision to place the operation of several key American ports in the hands of a company based in Dubai, Vice President Dick Cheney said today that he would personally patrol those ports with a 28-gauge shotgun. - Andy Borowitz

And while on that topic, the following is a sampling of news story headlines related to Vice President Cheney's shooting accident:
Kingsville Dispatch - "Sheriff Fines Cheney $100 For Only Wounding Lawyer"
National Review Online - "Red States Poll Shows Cheney Shooting Was Justifiable"
Dallas Morning News - "Shot Came From Grassy Knoll"
Austin Statesman - "Cheney Says Victim's Quail Call Was Best He Ever Heard"
Washington Post - "Cheney Prevents Hunting Party From Field Dressing Shooting Victim"
The Nation - "Cheney Drove Shooting Victim to Hospital Tied to The Hood of His Car"
San Antonio Express/News - "Sneaky Lawyer Tactics Don't Work On Cheney"
Houston Chronicle - "Personal Injury Lawyers Hold Candlelight Vigil Outside Cheney Victim Hospital"
Wyoming Tribune Eagle - "Cheney Friends Decline Fall Duck Hunting Invitation"
La Raza - "Cheney Shooting Victim Gets Emergency Room Priority Over Illegal Aliens"
Vegan News - "Cheney Shooting Victim Converts To Vegetarian In Hospital"
NRA American Rifleman - "Witnesses Claim Cheney Only Feathered Lawyer"
New Orleans Times Picayune - "Getting 'Dicked' Has All New Meaning"

The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department issued a statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the weekend. A TPWD spokesman noted that, in Texas, lawyers are not considered game creatures, and are thus not subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It was further noted that lawyer hunting was encouraged as the state is overrun with the pesky creatures. A local food critic said that, contrary to rumor, lawyers do not taste like chicken, but rather like bovine dung which is a major component of their composition. Below is a complete listing of the regulations.....
Texas 2005- 2006 Season and Bag Limit On Attorneys:
1. Any person with a valid Texas hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Attorneys may be taken with traps and deadfalls. Currency may not be used as bait.
3. Attorneys may not be killed with a motorized vehicle. If accidentally struck, the hunter should move the carcass to the roadside, and proceed to a car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a motor vehicle, watercraft or aircraft. Marked police vehicles may be used as shooting platforms.
5. It is unlawful to shout, "Whiplash," "Ambulance,"or "Free Booze" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of Mercedes, BMW, Lexus, or Infiniti dealerships.
7. It is unlawful for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, female law clerk, accident victim, physician, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
8. Care should be used so as not to endanger any remaining species. We would not want a repetition of the disaster that followed the "no limit" season on the subspecies, "Honest Lawyers". That particular variety is near extinction.

An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation. "I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone." He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "short of breath" and not what he thought.

Paddy the Newfie walks into his favourite bar and says to the bartender, "Mike, a round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Yer in a really good mood tonight, Paddy." Paddy says, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!" Mike congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round. The next night Paddy walks back in, "Mike, two rounds for everyone, on me!" Mike says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheque!" With a wondrous look on his face, Paddy pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna pay me too"?

They now say overeating is as unhealthy as smoking, but I beg to differ - no one ever died from second hand obesity.

In a recent survey, 18% of married people say they've flirted with someone other than their spouse in the last month. 17% offered to give more information to the survey taker ….. over dinner and a few drinks.

When the grocery store clerk asked if I preferred paper or plastic I said I really didn't give a shit – I’m bisackual.

Smiley Face : -)
Man with turban (((:~{>
Man with lit bomb in his turban. *-O)):~{>(no fatwas please)

Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke, but the questions were really asked!
Q. I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)A. We import all plants full grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q. Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)A. Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q. I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto; can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)A. Sure, it's only four thousand miles; take lots of water.
Q. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)A. So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q. It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)A. Let's not touch this one.
Q. Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)A. What did your last slave die of?
Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North. oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q. Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)A. Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q. Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q. Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)A. No, we don't stink.
Q. I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)A. Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q. Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)A. Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)A. Only at Thanksgiving.
Q. Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)A. No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter / gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q. I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)A. It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone talking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)A. Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

The Wisdom Of Emo Phillips:
- I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
- The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.
- I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."
- I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
- People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
- People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce.
- Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
- I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet.
- I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
- You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
- I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
- The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
- When pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving, Emo was asked by the judge if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. He said "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"
- I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.
- I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!
- At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
- ...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
And lastly one of Emo’s more poignant jokes:
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said,"Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis tells us the origin of pets.
1. Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
2. And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
3. And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
4. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
5. And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
6. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
7. And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
8. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't really give a shit one way or the other.

A worthwhile anecdote passed on by a friend:
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year- old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.