Friday Funnies June 30-06

"The Census Bureau revealed today that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. The big difference between Las Vegas and D.C., of course, is that in Las Vegas people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno

"Is it me or has Al Gore put on a little weight? Didn't he look a little chubby when he was here? I think that's because of global warming, too. Al feels he has to eat all the ice cream before it melts." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in Austria yesterday. You know, I think he's confused. He's not good on geography. On his way to Austria, he told Dick Cheney he'd bring him back a boomerang." --Jay Leno

"Florida Governor Jeb Bush signed a new law making 'In God We Trust' Florida's official state motto. 'In God We Trust' just barely beat out Florida's other state motto, 'Where Are My Teeth?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Two San Francisco cops are in trouble after they were identified in a hard-core pornography movie. One of the cops was given a desk job, which is not what he was getting in the movie." - Conan O'Brien

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will get soaking wet.
I personally don't mind growing old, but my body's taking it badly.
When life hands you lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me over!
They say that each time you laugh you burn 3.5 calories, which would indicate that an extremely jolly person could, in fact, laugh their ass off!

(Hey, all you Yanks, don’t huck me over this one – I didn’t write it!)Resume:George W. BushThe White House1600 Pennsylvania AvenueWashington, DC USAPAST WORK EXPERIENCE:- I ran for Congress and lost.- I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; the company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.- I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team, in a sweetheart deal and built a stadium using taxpayer money.- With my father's help and name, I was elected Governor of Texas.ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR:- I changed pollution laws in favor of the power and oil companies and made TX the most polluted state in the US. And replaced Houston over L.A. as the most smog-ridden city in America.- Cut taxes and bankrupted TX government to the tune of billions of dollars in borrowed money.- I set the record for most executions by a Governor in US history.- I became US President after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes with the help of major Enron money and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.PRESIDENTIAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS:- I attacked and overtook two countries at the expense of countless lives.- I spent the US surplus and bankrupted the US Treasury.- I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in US history. I set an economic record for private bankruptcies in any 12-month period.- I set the all time record for the biggest drop in history of the USstock market.- I am the first president in US history to enter office with a criminal record.- I set the record for most days on vacation in any one year.- After taking the entire month of August off, I presided over the worst security failure in US history.- I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips by a US president.- I set the records for the least amount of press conferences of any president since the advent of television.- I presided over the biggest energy crisis in US history and refused to intervene when oil industry corruption was revealed.- I have cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.- I set the all time record for the largest number of people worldwide to protest my policies in public venues (15 million) shattering the record for protest against anyone in world history.- I have dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.- I have made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in US history.- I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any country in history.- I am the first president to order a pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation, and besides that I did so against the will of the United Nations.- I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in the US.- I am the first president to have the UN remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.- I withdrew the US from the World Court.- I refused to allow inspectors access to prisoners of war and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.- I am the all-time US and world record-holder for receiving the largest corporate campaign donations.- My largest campaign contributor and one of my best friends, Ken Lay, former CEO of Enron, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in US history.- My political party used the Enron Private jets and their corporate attorneys to assure my success with the Supreme Court during the 2000 election.- I am the first president in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.- In the past 18 months since the World Trade Center attack, I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in US history.- In a little over two years, I have created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided since the Civil War.- I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and have turned every single economic category downward, all in less than two years.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:- I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine. And my Texas driving record has been erased and is unavailable.- I was AWOL from the National Guard during the Vietnam War.- I refuse to take a drug test or answer any questions about drug use.- All records or minutes from meetings I, or my Vice-president, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable to the public.
These are just a few of my accomplishments as President, for inquiries anymore information, my father can be reached at the Carlyle Group offices, where he and James Baker are helping to divide up the spoils of the US-Iraq War and planning for the next assault.

A woman I know says that sleeping with a man is like a soap opera - just when it's getting interesting, it’s finished until next time.

And in a similar vein…A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model." The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?" "No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."

For men, I think the cruellest disease is arthritis - it makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one.

As I went in to a bar to meet a friend, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me. As I passed them, I heard one whisper “nine.” As I swaggered over to my waiting buddy I told him one of those two girls over there had just rated me a nine out of ten. He said, “I don't want to burst your bubble, but when you came in, they were speaking German.”

Those who think that the competitive spirit is dead ought to watch the customers in a supermarket when a cashier opens a new checkout lane.

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb? The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

WILLIAM SAFIRE'S RULES FOR WRITING:
1) Remember to never split an infinitive.
2) The passive voice should never be used.
3) Do not put statements in the negative form.
4) A verb has to agree with their subjects.
5) Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
6) If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
7) A writer must not shift your point of view.
8) And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
9) Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.
10) Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!
11) Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten or more words, to their antecedents.
12) Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
13) If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
14) Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
15) Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
16) Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
17) Always pick on the correct idiom.
18) The adverb always follows the verb.
19) Eschew obfuscation.
20) Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.

My wife and I fight over crosswords. I wish she’d stop doing them while we’re having sex!

Life's greatest pleasures are the simple ones, like seeing the driver who cut ahead of you on the freeway pulled over by the police 3 miles down the road.

Sign on a gas pump: Please Do Not Smoke Near The Gas Pumps. Your Life May Not Be Worth Much, But The Gas is.

You can never trust the descriptions you get of someone you meet on the Internet. After all, that's what email stands for: "Embellished Measurements and Incredible Lies."

You know how boring your life has become when the only time you hear yourself say, "I'm coming" is when you’re trying to tell the cat you’re getting his food ready!

After my wife and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the fourth day, I asked where one of my shirts was. "Oh," she said, "So now you're speaking to me." I said, "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" she challenged. "No," I said, "I just thought we were getting along."

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honour?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Mike. "Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

Miriam was bragging to her next-door neighbour, Esther, about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary." "You're lucky," Esther said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"