Friday Funnies January 20 08

Personal trainers have developed a new workout which involves working the abs, calves, legs and ankles by walking in stiletto heels for 45 minutes. It's called 'Sweating with the Crack Hos.' - Jay Leno

The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight. Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace. - Jay Leno

A movie theater in Utah cancelled a showing of "Brokeback Mountain" claiming it offended community standards. One Utah man said the gay cowboy movie was so offensive it upset all twenty of his wives. - Alex Kaseberg

A new study shows that 3.5 million of the world's Jews descended from just four women who lived about 2,000 years ago. Nothing much is known about the women, except they each claimed to have 3.5 million reasons to complain and make everyone feel guilty. - Jake Novak

Canadian Election Humour:

Top 10 reasons how you can tell it's a Liberal Candidate...
10) They are first in line at the Unemployment Office
9) They are using the back of their lawn signs to beg for money
8) A patronage appointment to them means they are the head car washer at your local car wash
7) They are glad they didn't push through new immigration quota's cause the job market is tighter now than it was 11 years ago
6) The initials M.P's now means... Money Please?
5) They have bad dreams of the Conservatives sending the military into the streets...in Nunavit...go figure?
4) They make a trade to give back Belinda Stronach in exchange for 4 more seats in the House of Commons
3) Sheila Copps actually makes sense as the next Liberal Leader...wait a moment...no she doesn't...
2) Not even J.C. can save them now...
1) and the number one reason you can tell it's a Liberal Candidate is...you may never see them ever again...

Top 10 reasons you know you are a Conservative Candidate...
10) You've finally got an invitation to the Prime Ministers House
9) Now you can find out what it's like to lie, cheat and steal from the Canadian voting public
8) Patronage isn't just about going to Billy-Bobs Hardware store anymore...
7) Ralph Klein actually makes sense
6) You remember the glory days of Brian Mulroney...let's see there were a total of 4 of them...
5) You send a singing telegram to Belinda Stronach...and they sing..."Who's sorry now"
4) You don't have to put up with seeing Steven Harper in a Cowboy outfit for another 4 years...
3) Inwardly...you have no clue what to do...
2) Secretly your kinda happy cause now maybe Team Canada can add Ken Dryden to the team at the Olympics
And the number one reason you know you’re a conservative candidate is...
You have worked a deal with all 14 guys in the military to march on Parliament Hill...I mean what the heck eh you have a majority?

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield

Two Scottish lads are chatting in the pub about the one bloke's imminent wedding. Angus says, "I think I'm going to have to wear a kilt for my wedding." Jock says, "Och, aye? What's the tartan?" Angus replies, "Oh she'll be dressed in white, I suppose."

A cattle rancher was in his barn trying to assist one of his cows giving birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed, watching the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 5 and I'm now going to have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll try and answer." When everything was over, the Dad strolled over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Well just one, Dad" gasped the lad, with his eyes still like saucers. "Just how fast was that calf going when it ran into the cow's ass?"

If large-breasted women work at Hooters, then where do one-legged women work? Why, The International House Of Pancakes of course! (Get it? IHOP!)

Last week my wife and I went to an art gallery. We saw a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. My wife didn't like it and moved on but I kept standing there and looking. When she realised I hadn’t gone on with her, my wife came back and said, "What are you waiting for?" I replied, "Autumn."

Within two years women will be able to get breast enhancement done on their lunch hour. You get turned down for a raise in the morning. In the afternoon you can go in and try again.

How Is This For Depressing ?
Sophia Loren 71
Gina Lollobrigida 78
Lena Horne 88
Annette Funicello 63
Barbara Eden 63
Angie Dickenson 74
Joan Collins 68
Julie Christie 64
Leslie Caron 74
Carroll Baker 74
Ann-Margret 64
Julie Andrews 70
Ursula Andress 69
Rita Moreno 74
Julie Newmar 72Kim Novak 72
Debbie Reynolds 73
Jane Russell 84
Nancy Sinatra 65
Elke Sommer 65
Gale Storm 83
Jill St. John 65
Liz Taylor 73
Mamie Van Doren 74
It really is a shame - THEY got old and we didn't.

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down. "My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said. "What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!" The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex. When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit. However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door. "What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?" He looks at her and says, "I'm done already. I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse."

Want to know how to make Holy Water? Just take a cup of water and boil the hell out of it!

What do you get when you mix holy water and prune juice? A religious movement.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant sfingers.

Nobody's perfect......so why practice?

IDLE THOUGHTS
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once ... or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.Is it possible to be totally partial?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Computer Nerd T-Shirt Philosophy:
<-------- The information went data way --------
2 + 2 = 5 for Extremely Large values of 2.
All computers wait at the same speed.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Best file compression around: "DEL. = 100% COMPRESSION
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
Definition of an UPGRADE: Take old bugs out, Put New Ones
In.E Pluribus ModemError:
Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to Continue.
Mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
Press any key... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
Press any key to continue or any OTHER key to quit...
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!
"Who's General Failure & why is he reading My Disk?
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

Recently, I was behind a car with three bumper stickers: "Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food--demand labels and safety testing for food"; "Eat for the health of it"; and "Support organic farmers." Where was it that I saw this car you ask? It was in front of me at a McDonald's drive-through.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue? and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake? Where did the glue go? You know darned well where it went! That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT!

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish." Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."

My neighbour was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her starting growing. The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as she continued to try getting the car to start up again. Finally she got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," she said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."

"I'm into Jewish bondage...that's having your money tied up in an IRA account."

A devout Jewish businessman, driven crazy by the devious practices of another, finally shouted at him, "You should only drop dead - God forbid."

Groucho Marx was married to a non-Jew. When their son was refused admittance to a "restricted" country club, Groucho sent the club a telegram. "Since my little son is only half-Jewish, would it be all right if he goes into the pool only up to his waist?"

A reporter interviewing a rabbi after a bolt of lightning struck the synagogue roof and sent it crashing down into ruins, asked "Rabbi, what was your reaction when you saw this terrible devastation?" "My first reaction?" The Rabbi chuckled. "I thought, thank goodness we took out insurance against acts of God."

God Said No
I asked God to take away my habit.God said, No.It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.God said, No.His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary
I asked God to grant me patience.God said, No. Patience is a by-product of tribulations;It isn't granted, it is learned.
I asked God to give me happiness.God said, No. I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.I asked God to spare me pain.God said, No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly caresAnd brings you closer to me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow.God said, No. You must grow on your own! ,But I will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.God said, No.I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.
I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world.