Friday Funnies November 4 05

President Bush was asked how he came up with a conservative like Alito. Bush said he got the idea over the weekend while turning the clocks back. - Jay Leno

Anti-war protestor Cindy Sheehan said that she would tie herself up at the White House to get President Bush's attention. Right idea, wrong president. I think that was more Bill's kind of thing. - Jay Leno

New Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito is likely to draw liberal ire for his 1991 decision requiring women to notify their husbands before getting an abortion. Of course, most husbands would just be happy if their wives would notify them before getting pregnant. - Jake Novak

According to German researchers sex releases pheromones that make you smarter. Sex makes you smarter. You know, Bill Clinton was a Rhodes Scholar. - Jay Leno

I answered the door on Halloween to find a plain but well dressed young man who said, "Trick or Treat!" I asked what he was dressed up as and he replied, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he took 28% of my candy and buggered off without so much as a ‘Thank You’.

Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots."Where is your costume?" the husband asked. "This is it," replied his wife. "What the hell kind of costume is that?" asked the husband. "Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on." The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. "What the hell kind of costume is that?" asked the wife. "I am a fire alarm," he replied. "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing. "Yes," he replied. "In case of fire, break the glass, pull twice, and I come."

Recently, I went on a three-day cruise. Actually, it was more like a three-day meal. They tell you to bring just one outfit, but in three different sizes: large, extra large, and blimp.

I wasn't feeling well that great last week so I went to my doctor for a check-up. After a thorough examination, he said, "Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking." "I see," I replied. "Well, to be honest with you Doc, I don't deserve the best. What’s the second best?"

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, “Piss off! You won’t bring it back.”

This one’s for Jack:A Mexican in Houston has his car stolen. He doesn't report it for 7 days. When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer in charge says that since the loss occurred over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the border and stripped for parts. As he’s leaving the station, the Mexican mutters, "Damn Canadians."

The Fujita Scale measures the power of tornados. But do you know what those twisters do to COWS? Here's the 'MOOJITA Scale':
M0 Tornado - Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed.
M1 Tornado - Cows are tipped over and can't get up.
M2 Tornado - Cows begin rolling with the wind.
M3 Tornado - Cows tumble and bounce.
M4 Tornado - Cows are AIRBORN.
M5 Tornado - S T E A K.

The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, "Darling, come home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner." "Good." replied the husband, "Make sure she's well done.

Two college co-eds were very close and always shared there secrets with each other. Late one night one called the other while she was in bed with her boyfriend, to tell her she was pregnant. She said, "I can't believe I have a person inside me !" Her friend replied, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?"

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina."What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended. "Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. "The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax.

"SKI SEASON WARM-UP
• Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar billsto warm up.
• Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
• For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in each of your street shoes and tighten a C-clamps around your toes.
• Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
• Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
• Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
• Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
• Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
• Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
• Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

The engineer of a train passing through Poland could see no lights because the power had been knocked out by a severe ice storm. "We're running out of coal, "he said to his trainman, "but I think we're coming to Gdansk or Danzig, or whatever they call it now. Let's stop and send the porter out to buy some more fuel. Can you see a sign on the depot that says Gdansk in this dim light?" The trainman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark." And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"

After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell asleep and spent the night in his La-Z-Boy. His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called. "In whose favour?"

An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot. "Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear. "No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterday."

SHE WAS SO BLONDE...
.....she thought a quarterback was a refund
.....she thought General Motors was in the army
.....she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
.....at the bottom of an application, where it says "sign here", she wrote Sagittarius
.....she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
.....she sent a fax with a stamp on it
.....she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
.....under "education" on a job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics"
.....she tripped over a cordless phone
.....she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice because it said "concentrate"
.....she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk"
.....she asked for a price check at the Everything for a Dollar Store
.....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
.....she studied for a blood test
.....she sold her car for gas money
.....when she went to the airport and saw a sign that read "Airport Left", she turned around and went home
.....when she heard that 90% of all crimes occurred around home, she moved
.....she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
.....she thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless
.....she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening
.....she had a shirt that said TGIF, which she thought stood for 'Tit's Go In Front'
…..she had a see-through lunch box lid s she could tell if it’s morning or afternoon or if she’s going to work or coming home.

What can a bird do that a man can not do? Whistle though his pecker.

What's the difference between a young prostitute and an old prostitute? A young one uses Vaseline to get it in. An old one uses PolyGrip to keep it in.

Then there was the brunette who got a new phone with 3 way conference call capabilities. She wanted to speak to two of her friends at the same time but she just couldn't figure out how to accomplish that. She called her blonde friend and asked her how this three way thing worked. The blonde replied, "Well, you have one guy in your front, one guy in the back and the other guy in your mouth."

Golf Quotes:
1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."
2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."
3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."
4. Unknown: "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
5. Babe Ruth: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
6. Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."
8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."
9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five."
10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: "They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."
11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."
12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."
13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1 iron. Not even God can hit a 1 iron."
15. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."
17. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."
18. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."
19. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
20. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him."
21. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."
22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."
23. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
24. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high volume, temperamental, club throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3 iron or a wedge, sir.""A 3 iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of stupid choice is that?" "Those are the only two clubs you have left, sir," said the caddie.

A guy was driving a Hyundai on the interstate when it broke down. A short while later, a Porsche stopped and the driver offered to give the Hyundai a tow. If I go too fast, said the Porsche driver, honk your horn. So the Porsche set off with the Hyundai in tow. A few miles down the road, a Corvette pulled alongside the Porsche. The Corvette driver called out, I bet I can outrace you with that thing in tow behind you. The Porsche driver was up for the challenge and the two cars sped off side by side down the highway. Two State Troopers watched in disbelief as the cars flew by. Did you see that Porsche and Corvette racing neck and neck? said one. The other said, Yeah. And what about that little Hyundai flying behind them, honking his horn, trying to pass?

A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar. She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a martini for her and put some Spanish fly in the drink. The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish fly and all he has left is Jewish fly. "Jewish fly ?" ....Shrugging his shoulders, the guys tells the bartender to put some of that in her drink. As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy. Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear........"Let's go shopping"

LITERARY TAUNTS & INSULTS"
A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." -Louis Nizer
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man & worships his creator." - John Bright
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill"
A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open." - Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening .... but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

The Western world was shocked last week when Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, speaking at a conference in Tehran on Wednesday, October 26th entitled ‘The World without Zionism’, quoted Iran's imam and revolutionary leader Ayat Allah Khomeini saying ‘Israel must be wiped off the map.’ The odiousness of this statement is only exceeded by its irony, given the fact that Israel doesn’t even appear on their maps! (Ironic or Iranic?)

To add insult to injury, apparently a leftist group at Harvard has recently been busy posting large stickers all over the campus saying ‘Israel off the map NOW’.

Let's hope the UN will give Iran the full weight of its disapproval and that the universities will have the guts to follow suit.

Morris, having just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE', stormed into the kitchen, walked right up to his wife, pointed a finger in her face and said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" Sadie replied, "The Chevra Kadisha?"

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two"wolves" inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."