Friday Funnies December 30 05

"According to a new study, most couples report that sex is better while on vacation. I'll bet that's why dad never wanted to stop the car on our way down to the shore. I remember, dad was always in a hurry to get there, no bathroom breaks, no food, let's just get to the shore." - Jay Leno

In light of the recent release of Brokeback Mountain, here is David Letterman's top ten signs that you're a gay cowboy!
10. "Your saddle is Versace"
9. "Instead of 'Home On The Range', you sing 'It's Raining Men'"
8. "You enjoy ridin', ropin', and redecoratin'"
7. "Sold your livestock to buy tickets to 'Mamma Mia'"
6. "After watching reruns of 'Gunsmoke', you have to take a cold shower"
5. "Native Americans refer to you as 'Dances With Men'"
4. "You've been lassoed more times than most steers"
3. "You're wearing chaps, yet your 'ranch' is in Chelsea"
2. "Instead of a saloon you prefer a salon"
1. "You love riding, but you don't have a horse"

Here is David's version of you know you are a Jewish Cowboy when:
10. Your all time favourite cowboy movie is Blazing Saddles - Boy that Mel Brooks plays a good Yiddishe Indian!
9. Nothing beats a meal of beans and Levitts Kosher Hot Dogs
8. Your idea of a Wrangler is one of those SUV's they drive these days...
7. That your kids don't believe you when you tell them Roy Rogers and Michael Landon and Lorne Greene...all great cowboy actors are luntzman!
6. The home on the range reminds you of Bubbies Chicken Soup she'd cook all day at her place on the stove...
5. When you ask at Passover if them Jews left Egypt on horse back or by foot?
4. The term "Round-up" means you gotta find a few more men for a minion...
3. The only Rodeo you know of is a street in Beverly Hills
2. You have heard in Texas they greet eachother on Friday nights with a hearty..."Shabbat Shalom Y'all"
1...And the number one answer to you know you are a Jewish Cowboy is...You think that Jack Palance as Curly in City Slickers meant he had payes's.

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate." Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud." Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke." Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon? Tanks." The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!

For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.
Harlez-vous francais?- CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?
Cogito Eggo Sum. - I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.
Rigor morris. - THE CAT IS DEAD.
Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid. - HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH.
Que sera serf. - LIFE IS FEUDAL.
Posh mortem. - DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.
Pro Bozo publico - SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.
Apres Moe le deluge. - LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.
Haste cuisine. - FAST FRENCH FOOD.
Veni, vidi, vice. - I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.
Mazel ton. - LOTS OF LUCK.
Aloha oy. - LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.
Visa la France. - DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.
L'etat, c'est moo. - I'M BOSSY BESSY AROUND HERE.
Cogito, ergo spud. - I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM. (OK, more than 1 letter.)Veni, vidi, Velcro - I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND. (OK, another exception.)

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. If you wonder why the lion made the choice that he made, just consider that even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

Recommended Reading from the Corn Patch:
"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum
"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily
"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic
"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit (illustrated by Betty Wont)
"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns
"How To Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich
"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff
"How To Save Time" by Terry A. While

Recommended Reading from K9 Philosophy 101:
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. – Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. - M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.- James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

DATING RITUALS
MOST CANADIAN WOMEN: First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN: First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN: First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have five kids together and hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN: First Date: You get dynamite head. Second! Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN: First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN: First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN: First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She's pregnant. Third Date: She moves in. One week later her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
The POINT? DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

What do you call a 400 pound woman who likes both men and women? A bisexual built for two!

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common? They both cost $100 and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Visiting a recently divorced friend, I noticed a tampon on top of his TV? When I asked him what it was for, he said it was there to remind him of the cunt who took his VCR!

Did you know that the word ALIMONY is really a contraction. Its short for "all my money"

My next door neighbour is suffering from cranial-anal conjunction. He’s got his head up his butt.

The bar was getting ready to close, so Joe asked the nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral" activity?" "That all depends,." she quickly responded. "..Your face or mine?"

A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same way.

If God had intended that the genitals were more important than the brain, he would've put a skull over the genitals. What the hell do you care if someone comes over and fools around with your genitals? But you don't want anybody coming over and stoking your brains. They'll scramble your brains, you'll write the wrong check, you'll lose money. - - Mel Brooks

I was sitting outside one cloudy day, reminiscing on all the bad luck I was having. Everything was going wrong. Feeling bad, I looked up to the heavens with outstretched arms and said " Why me, Lord, Why me. All of a sudden there was a clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning, and as the clouds parted, a booming voice came down from the sky, and said "Because, Brian, there's something about you that just pisses me off"

Newfie, Seamus opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Jack. ”Did you see the paper?” asked Seamus. “They say I died!” ”Yes, I saw it!” replied Jack. “Where are you callin’ from?”

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse asks, "How much do you weigh?" "115," she replies. The nurse puts her on the scale which reads 140 lbs. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," she replies. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 2". She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. "Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!

Happiness is the place between too little and too much.

I was going to use my old computer to shop for a new computer online but that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends.

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Teacher: “How do you spell Saskatchewan?” Sheamus: “The province or the river?”

Teacher: “Name the first settler in the West.” Sheamus: “The Sun.”
Teacher: “Where was the British North America Act signed?” Sheamus: “At the bottom.”

At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my wife and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" My wife said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at me. I said, "She's probably right."

When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too. Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he'd found inside the dryer. He didn't know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job. "I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife's bra."

Paul Harvey Writes:We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life. Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

I have chosen to end the year on a hopeful note. The following is not new, but certainly deserves wide dissemination:
Some people just seem to understand life better, and many fools call these people"retarded"!At the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100-yard dash. At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash but with a relish to run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one. One little boy stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times, and began to cry. The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and looked back. Then they all turned around and went back......every one of them. One girl with Down's Syndrome bent down and kissed him and said, "This will make it better." Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line. Everyone in the stadium stood, the cheering went on for several minutes. People who were there are still telling the story.Why? Because deep down we know this one thing: what matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our own course. Hopefully not forgetting stories like this can make a difference in the world. "A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle".