Friday Funnies January 13 08

May you never suffer from triskaidekaphobia on this fine Friday the 13th! Oops, I think my computer just crashed!

Some good news... Doctors say that Ariel Sharon is emerging from his coma and can move his hand. The first thing he did was give Pat Robertson the finger. - Jay Leno

The Supreme Court confirmation hearings are under way for Judge Sam Alito. Democrats wants to know his position on privacy; Republicans want to know his position on prison terms for bribery. - Jay Leno

A movie theatre in Utah abruptly cancelled a screening of the movie Brokeback Mountain. They felt it was inappropriate for the community standards. Instead, they ran Deliverance.. - Jay Leno

On this date in 1948 pioneer sex researcher Alfred Kinsey first announced that most men reached sexual climax within two and a half minutes. Which came as a big surprise to everyone -- except women. - Jay Leno

Texas quarterback Vince Young was pretty amazing! He ran through that Trojan defense like there was a giant hole in it. And as any guy can tell you, there is nothing worse than a trojan with a giant hole in it! - Jay Leno

A judge ruled last week that mooning is legal in Maryland. Though that's not really a problem because a lot of people who work in Washington live in Maryland and they're more concerned with covering their asses than showing them. - Jay Leno

A study shows women and men have different uses for the internet. Women use it more for e-mail and information and support for health and personal problems. Like how to keep your husband from spending all his time looking up internet porn. Men use the internet to try to find ways to hide any traces of the porn they have been looking at online. - Jim Barach

Casinos have reopened along Mississippi's Katrina-ravaged Gulf Coast. Talk about progress. People who lost most everything in the storm can now go there and lose everything else. - Alan Ray

I think will be able to count myself as an adult the day that I am able to hear a news story about "Jack Abramoff" without wondering who Abram is and giggling.

There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show who's driving who crazy.

What's the definition of an Impotent Loser? A guy who can't even get his hopes up.

Sex is a three-letter word which sometimes needs old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

So I said to my wife,"I think I'm going to the doctor to see if he can find out why I'm so dull and listless." She replied,"Great idea ! And once he gets your sex drive all straightened out, see if he can figure out why you've been moping around lately."

How to install a wireless security system: Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls. They've just been wormed and they are a little edgy."

SLANGDAMONIUM WORD - MIRAGE A TROIS This was the night Jeff was waiting for - his first mirage á trois. DEFINITION: Act of having sex with TWO imaginary people.

Trying to control her dry hair, my wife treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed her hair several times. That night when we went to bed, she leaned over to me and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?" Sniffing her, I said, "No. Do I smell like Popeye?"

A lovely young thing was out at a singles bar and was approached by a well known Casanova. "How about us spending a romantic weekend in a nice quiet hotel?" he whispered in her ear. "I'm afraid,"she said, "That my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behaviour precludes you from such erotic confrontation." "I don't get it," he said. "Right !! " she replied.

While I was driving through a seedy area of San Diego, I noticed a shop sandwiched between a strip bar and a liquor store. All of the windows were blacked out, and over the door was a sign that proudly declared: "Welcome to Kink-o's. We have NOTHING to do with office supplies."

What is worse than a piano out of tune? An organ that goes flat in the middle of a piece.

A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm. "What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be. "Carrots and potatoes," the man replied. "Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief. "Because," answered the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of undercover crops."

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?" "Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine." The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?""Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now." The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

You know you are getting old when your old hangouts used to be the sports bar and the coffee shop and now it's the pharmacy and the bathroom.

So, my friend Harry asked me if I made any New Year's resolutions like he did. I said, Nope! I'm gonna use the same ones I made last year. Harry protested, You can't do that! I said, Why not? I never used them; they're just like brand new!

There is now a company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one and compresses the carbon into a blue diamond. This brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "family jewels."

The company I work for has always had problems with interoffice communications. For instance, last week the Personnel Department sent around a memo on sexual harassment. Three people initialed it and six people signed up for it.

A couple went to a marriage counselor for help. After listening to them for about half an hour, the counselor suggested, "Well to start with, it might help if you stopped referring to each other as "Needle Dick" and "Ball Breaking Bitch."

A fellow laments to a friend that after 10 years of marriage sex with his wife is down to three times a year. His friend said, “I know what you mean. As a matter of fact, if mine wouldn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."

Prince Charles - Marriage Warning
YEAR: 1981.
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

YEAR: 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!

According to a Conan O’Brien skit, Governor Arnold Scwartzenegger is just sick and tired of all the liberties that are being extended to gays these days including gay marriage. He is especially incensed that gays are taking liberties with the Bible. He just wants all gays to know that it’s EXODUS, not ‘Look at Rex’s Ass’ and DEUTERONOMY, not ‘Do It To Me Rodney’

After many bedtime evenings of teaching Katie to say the Lord’s Prayer, she finally built up the courage to say it alone: “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from E-mail.”

A boy decided that he wanted to become a rabbi when he grew up, so his father suggested that he go to speak to their shul rabbi to find out what the job entailed. "Ask me any question about the rabbinate and I'll give you the answer," declared the rabbi when the boy went to meet him. "Well, besides giving a sermon for about fifteen minutes on a Shabbat morning, what else do you do all week?" the boy asked. "You don't want to become a rabbi," thundered the rabbi. "With questions like that you want to become the shul president!"

It seems this young (but not too bright) boy comes home from his first day at Hebrew School, and his father asks him what he learned. "We learned to say Kaddish, papa." Well, the father is none too happy to hear this, so he runs down to the synagogue and confronts the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he says. "What is this about you teaching my son to say Kaddish? After all, he shouldn't know about this at so young an age, and besides, I'm a young man myself, in excellent health, and I expect to live a long time yet!" The Rabbi answered, "First of all, it's not Kaddish, it's KIDDUSH! and secondly, you should only live so long till he learns it!"

315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
Apples (not caffeine) are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
Celery has negative calories - it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying
Donkeys kill more people annually than plan crashes.
Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time – the beginning of multi-tasking. He also invented scissors, and it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer (… so did the first Marlboro Man).
The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. The person behind all these was was William Lear who, after the car radio made him a wealthy man, went on to develop both the 8 track tape player and the Lear Jet.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified Kosher.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mp! h in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must ! have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None. Your job is to remain in the same! position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.