Friday Funnies November 25 05

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends! Enjoy the time with your families and save me a piece of sweet potato pie!

You could be celebrating a Redneck Thanksgiving if:
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffing secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jello mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

The small town of Clark, Texas has agreed to change its name to Dish, Texas in order for the town's residents to receive free Dish Network satellite TV for the next decade -- which is great. I'll bet the residents of Intercourse, Pennsylvania are saying, 'Shouldn't we be getting something because of our town name?' - Jay Leno

"While in Las Vegas over the weekend Paris Hilton had her pet monkey with her and it bit her. She is being tested for rabies. The monkey is being tested for chlamydia." - Jay Leno

"Feminists miss the big picture. They want us to be concerned about the fact that Barbie, if she were a real woman, would have no internal organs because her waist is too small. I say, Barbie's got nothing to complain about in the missing organ departmant, compared to Ken." - Cathryn Michon

It’s the day before Thanksgiving and a flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced about 30 minutes outbound from LA, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available."

Ah, what the hell! We haven’t picked on the French for a while so we might as well resurrect some old standards with a few new ones to boot:

- We turn to France, whose decision to stay out of the Iraq war is starting to make more sense. After all, why go all the way to the Mideast when you can fight Muslims in your very own suburbs? - JON STEWART
- The streets of the suburb of Clichy-sous-Bois have been filled with angry, mostly unemployed Arab and African immigrants setting fire to hundreds of cars. Their message: We're mad as hell, and we're not going to let you park here anymore. - STEWART
- Night after night of rioting and looting and burning cars, but don't worry because the French government is working around the clock to figure out a way to blame it on us. - DAVID LETTERMAN
- The riots in France have been through their second week. No signs of slowing. Now first of all, let me congratulate the French on whatever sporting event they apparently won. - STEPHEN COLBERT
- The situation is really bad - today Chirac announced that the French are pulling out of France. - JAY LENO
- "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain.
- "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." General George S. Patton.
- "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." Norman Schwartzkopf.
- "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." Marge Simpson
- "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" Jacques Chirac, President of France"
- "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh,
- "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." Regis Philbin.
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore.
- True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky, I don't know." P.J O'Rourke (1989).
- "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.
- "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." Conan O'Brien
- "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either." Jay Leno.
- "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." David Letterman
- "Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada." Ted Nugent.
- "War without France would be like .. uh ... World War. II."
- "The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C.right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'" Tom Brokaw.
- "What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" Dennis Miller.
- "It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us." Alan Kent
- "They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." Argus Hamilton
- "Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day – the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'" Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)
- "The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller
- Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German army as they entered the city in WWII? A. Table for 100,000, monsieur?
- "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known. It's never been tried." Rep. R. Blount (MO)
- "Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.
- The AP and UPI reported that the French government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
- French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003. The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.- Raise your right hand if you like the French. Raise both hands if you are French.

Handy French Phrases If You're Traveling Abroad:
Ou sont les pompiers? - Where are the firemen?
Avez-vous un extincteur? - Do you have a fire extinguisher?
A quelle heure est le couvre-feu? - What time is the curfew?
Pourquoi brulez- vous ma voiture? - Why are you burning my car?
Avez-vous du feu pour allumer mon cocktail molotov? - Do you have a light for my petrol bomb?
Veuillez brûler ma Citroen parce que c'est de la merde. - Please burn my Citroen because it's crap.
Ma belle citroen est en feu! - My beautiful Citroen car is on fire!
Ne soyez pas idiot ! la merde ne brûle pas! - don't be daft! Crap doesn't burn!Vous avez brisé ma voiture et avez brûlé ma maison et mon chien, mais pourquoi avez vous pas tué ma femme laide avec ses aisselles velues? - You smashed my car and burned my house and my dog, but why didn't you finish off my ugly wife with her hairy armpits?

Medical ethics experts are still struggling with the question as to whether or not it's fitting for young male gynecologists to keep looking up old girlfriends.

SLANGDAMONIUM WORD – CLITOURIST: Because of his fouled foreplay, Nancy realized that her new boyfriend was no experienced bedroom traveler, but merely a clitourist. DEFINITION: A man who won't stop and ask for directions in bed.

I have heard women say they can judge how a guy will be in bed from how he dances. I hope that's not true because the only type of dancing I was any good at was square dancing. Which means that I’m so bad at it, I have to have someone tell me what to do, as I’m doing it. And we know from the last joke that like most guys, I won’t stop and ask for directions.

I was annoyed last week when my wife told me that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. "What kind of car was he driving?" I asked. "I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another." At that, I decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever we were driving, I made her name each car we passed until I was satisfied that she could recognize every make. It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?" The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat." All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse. The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield. The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base. The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER! (A poem crafted from actual Dubya quotes)
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

We've all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

A woman confided in her best girlfriend that she had a date with her gynecologist. Her friend teased her, “You slut!” The girl protested, “No! It's not like that. Our eyes just met. Her friend chided, “Not only are you a slut; you're a contortionist too!”

A young fellow was trying out a new pickup line. He went up to a woman and said, "I've got a condom with your name on it." She shot back, "You must be mistaken, my name's not 'Trojan Extra Small'"

Oldie Goldie Updated:
Charles and Camilla are apparently a bit flummoxed by the whole marriage thing. It's reported that on their wedding night the following took place: As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were misplaced and she was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side. When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's. Because of the type of construction done following the Windsor Castle fire, the adjoining walls were made of plasterboard. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me." The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast. "Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!" "I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got! "There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!" In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin." Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne. At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

Laws of the Natural Universe: (I’ve already sent some of these out, but here are some new ones)
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Law of Physical Displacement: Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant
Legal Rights: Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law Pertaining to Divorce: Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him ... get a good lawyer...keep his house.

Steven Spielberg dies and goes to Heaven. The angel Gabriel sees him and comes right over, puts his arm around him and says, Steven, we’re so glad you’re here - God would like you to make one more movie. Steven grimaces, "But I thought I was finished with all that stuff. I'm tired of all the hassles involved in making movies." "Listen," Gabriel explains, "we got Irving Berlin to write a new score for the movie." "You're not listening to me," Steven protested. "I don't want to make any more movies." "But we got Marc Chagall to do the set design for you," Gabriel exclaimed. "I don't want to make any more movies!" Steven insisted. "Now look at this script," Gabriel said. "We got Sholom Aleichem to write it for you." "Well," said Spielberg, "a score by Berlin, set design by Chagall, a script by Sholom Aleichem ...... How can I go wrong? O K, I'll do it!" Gabriel says, “Great!There's only one small hitch.... God's got a girlfriend who sings!

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

Selma, an elderly Jewish lady was leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who had been walking towards her, stood in front of her, blocked her path, opened up his raincoat and flashed her. Unruffled she took a look and said, "This you call a lining?

Then there was the moyel who only did elephants - the pay wasn't so good, but he liked the big tips.

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A man passed by and the beggar said to the man, "Sir, could you spare 25 cents for a cup of coffee?" The man said, "Where do get coffee for 25 cents?" The beggar replied, "Who buys retail?"

The mother ship lands on the White House lawn. Every TV camera and military weapon in the world is pointed at it as it lands. A hatch opens at the bottom of the ship and an eerie green glow comes out of the opening. President Bush approaches the ship and an alien comes down the stairs. He is a little guy wearing black pants, black shoes, and a black hat, with a long beard. President Clinton says "Welcome to Earth". The alien says "It's an honour to meet you. We come in peace". President Clinton says "It's an honour to meet you too. Do all your people look and dress the way you do?". The alien replies "Only the Hassidim".