Friday Funnies October 28-05

Just heading off to Chicago for the weekend so I guess I should congratulate all the southside fans (and Jeff) for the Chisox victory that they thought would never come. But take it from a Bluejays fan - savour it all you can while it lasts because the moment is fleeting! I hope the southside is still celebrating when we get there - I could use a new stereo and revelry in the streets should keep them off the expressways. My only wish is my friends on the northside should know such nachas soon from their beloved Cubbies - from my lips to God's ears!

First a few leftovers:President Bush has just released a statement following his investigation into the New Orleans disaster - he's blaming the whole thing on a Muslim suicide plumber.

President Bush has asked for pop groups to stage a benefit concert for the victims of New Orleans however Katrina and the Waves have been told to get right the fuck out of town.

The Mayor of New Orleans has denied rumours the Mardi Gras is cancelled. He says he's expecting a record number of floats this year on Main St!

Five black men in purple dinner jackets & bow ties were found floating today under a pier in New Orleans. DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. Rumour has it they were under the boardwalk, down by the sea.

The rock group The Animals are re-releasing their earlier hit, it begins "There was a house in New Orleans"

Hurricane Katrina, typical woman! When she came she was warm wild and wet. When she left she took the house and contents with her.

OK, OK, enough of that shit. Here’s different shit:
According to Redbook magazine, 1 in 4 adults say that honesty about money is more important than honesty about fidelity. The other 3 adults were women! - Jay Leno

Scientists now believe obesity may be caused by a virus, not by overeating. Let's just hope the obesity virus doesn't get mixed up with this bird flu. We could have 200-pound pigeons dumping on our windshields. - Jay Leno

"Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish." - Tom Ryan

Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.

Antidepressant drugs are prescribed in Utah more often than in any other state, at a rate nearly twice the national average, according to the Utah Psychiatric Association.... more wives - more antidepressants... coincidence?

In a physics lab course, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to class...At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had actually done so: "What are the two types of light?" he asked. The lab fell silent until one wise young man raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Bud?"

Kamasutra Kamikaze: Definition: Willing to try every position in one night or die trying.

Not-So-Oft Quoted Laws:
The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Law of Physical Displacement: Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant
Legal Rights: Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law Pertaining to Divorce: Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him ... get a good lawyer ...keep his house.

Can You Get Married in Heaven? On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St.Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"

You've heard about the computer programmer that died while washing his hair in the shower. The instructions said, 'Lather, rinse, repeat.'

Hear about the youngster who came home and told his Pa they had a spelling bee at school, but he missed the very first word. "What was the word?" "Posse." "Hell, no wonder you can't spell it . . . you can't even pronounce it!"

My son had just written the word ‘banana’ when much to his amazement the letters suddenly rearranged themselves to spell the word ‘abanan’. When he asked his teacher to explain this, she said: "it's either a case of consonantal drift or you've just had a vowel movement!"

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?" Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic and I miss the days when I had mine.

Boy can women talk. A friend of mine took his wife to Hawaii for a holiday and when they got home, her tongue was sunburned.

Why do they call it "ejacuLATE" when for most guys, it should be’ ejacuEARLY’

The only thing worse than an achey breakey heart is an itchy bitchy wife.

Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.

The young lady received her bachelor's degree from Yale and her M.B.A. from Harvard. When she got her first job, her expectations were high, but three years without a promotion nearly destroyed her self confidence. She was about to quit when her father called her in and said, "You can't give up. Business isn't like school - you have to marshall every resource you have to get ahead. Go back to work and play to win." The woman went back to work, and a week later she got herself transferred to a new division. The results were startling. Three months after she started, she was named to a managerial position. Nine months later, she became a regional manager. And just six months after that, she stopped by her father's house one night and said, "Daddy, guess what. I was in my boss's office today when he told me, "Julie, I have a surprise for you. As of today, you're an assistant vice president." Her father exclaimed, "That's terrific. I hope you told him how grateful you were." "I tried to," she said, "But he doesn't like it when I try to talk with his dick in my mouth."

The honeymoon is over and love is but a dying flower when she comes in and takes a shit while you are in the shower.

What's the hardest part for a guy roller-blading? Telling your parents that you’re gay.

A Florida court ruled that exotic dancers must cover one-third of their buttocks. Now, if only they could pass the same law for the plumbers, we'd be in great shape.

A young woman asked her friend,”Do you believe in love at first sight?” Her friend replied,” Love at first sight of what?”

Love is blind, but lust is deaf.

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake;
My biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew;
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue,
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

Men Over 50:
- Men over 50 don't need reassurance. They often need Depends.
- Men over 50 are sure of themselves. It's their bodies that have serious doubts.
- Men over 50 are delighted to be seen with women in their 30s. Unless the women are wearing badges and uniforms, and have just slapped cuffs on you.
- Men over 50 no longer fight at the drop of a hat. They've learned it's hard enough to hit a toilet, much less an agile younger fellow who is kicking their butt.
- Men over 50 have seen it all. They ate and drank a lot of it, as their expanding waistlines prove.
- Men over 50 are sometimes tougher than nails. Bent nails, Rusty Nails, Toe Nails.
- Men over 50 like fast cars and loose women. What they actually have are loose cars and bad memories of fast women.
- Men over 50 like sizzling steaks and smooth whiskey. They usually need bran muffins and liquid fibre.
- Men over 50 like to sink their teeth in a challenge. Frequently, though, they are challenged to find their teeth in the sink.

The State Department escort was giving the newly arrived Asian diplomat a thorough tour of Washington nightlife. After watching a group of young couples in a discotheque, the escort said, "I don't imagine you've ever seen anything quite like this in your country. Do you know what they're doing?" "Yes, but why are they standing up?"

A Psychology professor was giving a lecture on Bi-Polar Disorder. “Let us establish some parameters,” said the professor. “Now then, Bennett, what is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” replied Bennett. “And the opposite of depression, Ms. Buston?” “Elation, sir.” “And you Thomas, how about the opposite of woe?” “I believe that would be giddy up, sir.”

When a friend’s son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice." At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, looking up with a sly grin he said, "It's really hard to read my mom's handwriting."

A hospital patient, a distinguished teacher of English literature, received a note from a student, with this salutation: “Dear ill literate…”

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and the Foreman pronounces the verdict, "Guilty!" "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the Foreman: "Oh, WE looked. But your client didn't."