Friday Funnies December 16 05

By 2020, scientists will be able to implant an orgasm chip in the brain. The operation will take about two minutes for a man and much, much longer for a woman. - Conan O'Brien

The new head of NASA says the United States can't afford to do the next moon mission alone. He says the cost is too great for one country to bear. That's depressing, isn't it? Gas is so expensive we have to carpool to the moon now. - Jay Leno

So what’s the deal with medical research these days? They've come up with a cure for hair loss and soft dicks before they can find a cure for cancer!

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks. -James H. Boren

Dear Friends:I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to the mall before everything is gone.Sincerely,Santa Claus

The Top 5 Rejected Names for Holiday TV Specials:
Pamela Anderson and the Not-So-Little Drummer Boy
Rudolph the Snot-Nosed, Ungrateful, 5-Year-Old Reindeer
Donny Osmond's Rockin' Kwanzaa-ganza!
Miracle at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave"
No, YOU Open It" -- Christmas With the Sopranos

Christmas is a very special holiday. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Overheard in Santa's Toyshop: "Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's toys!!""

Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the woman who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and a see-through negligee. "How do I know that?" the young woman replied. "How do I know you're really with the Salvation Army? How do I know you aren't some sex fiend who has come to take advantage of a poor, defenceless female who's all alone in her house ... and will be until 5:30pm this evening?"

My wife is the most suspicious person in the world - if I come home early, she thinks I'm after something but if I come home late, she thinks I've already had it.

Men spend thousands on hair transplants and toupees when what is really needed is more women who like bald men.

Marriage is a union - a union of heart, a union of soul, a union of minds - but wait till you have to pay those union dues.

The doctor explains to the heart patient that he would be able to resume his sex life as soon as he could climb two flights of stairs without becoming winded. The patient listens attentively and then says, "What if I look for the women who live on the ground floor?"

Why do women love cats? Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Getting older is like visiting an all-you-can-eat buffet. What should be hot is cold, what should be firm is limp and the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu!

A young woman is widowed after only a few years of marriage, and it is not long before her friends begin to ask her if she is thinking of marrying again. "Right now, no," the young woman answers. "I've only just begun to enjoy using the remote control."

FYI NEWS ARTICLE
Vancouver (Reuters) - Day 2 - Vancouver Blizzard 2005 - Revenge of the Commuters Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of winter hell today, as an additional ¼ centimeter of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the lower mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops. Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles and experts from Saskatchewan arebeing flown in. With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite near zero mark, Vancouverites were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out.Vancouver police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them through Vancouver's most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire reported that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV's actually have four wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use it.Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants. Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op."The government has to do something," snarled an angry Trevor Warburton. "I didn't pay $540,000 for my one bedroom condo so I could sit around and be treated like someone from Toronto."

Updated “I AM CANADIAN”
I am a minority in Oakville, Toronto, and every casino in this country.I was born in 1965, yet I am responsible for some FIRST NATIONS PEOPLE BEING SCREWED OUT OF THEIR LAND IN the 1700's.I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.All the money I make up until mid July must go to paying taxes.I live and work among people who believe Americans are ignorant. These same people cannot name this country's new territory.Although I am sometimes forced to live on Kraft dinner and don't have a pot to piss in, I sleep well knowing that my taxes helped purchase a nice six figure home in Vancouver for some unskilled refugee.Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate, Quebec still provides my nation's prime ministers.95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm sure none of them have ever been to Africa, or east of Halifax for that matter.I believe that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.I believe that the same tax on gasoline is also fair.Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don't register it.My fellow countrymen often badmouth the United States and then vacation there three times a year.I believe spending $15 billion to promote the French language in the rest of Canada is fair when the province of Quebec doesn't support or recognize the English language.I'm led to believe that some lazy ass unionized broom pusher who makes $30 an hour is underpaid and therefore must go on strike, but paying $10 an hour to someone who works 12 hour shifts at forty below on an oil rig is fair.I believe that paying $30 million for 3 Stripes ("The Voice of Fire painting in Ottawa) by the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, even though 99% of this country didn't want it or will ever see it.When I look at my pay stub and realize that I take home a third of what I actually make, I say "Oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans"My national anthem has versions in both official languages and I don't know either of them.Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest military buffer for the United States, and the number one destination for fleeing terrorists.I am not an angry white male. I am an angry taxpayer who is broke.My name is Norm, and I am Canadian.

A farmer finally decided to buy a television set. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads. The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

More humour reworked for the Canadian election:

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later Steven Harper comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." Steven Harper is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business and Becoming More Successful". Then Paul Martin comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." Paul Martin is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Liberals lined up waiting for a free haircut.

A rich Arab oil sheik wanted to do something nice for his sons, so he called each of them into his study one evening. To the first he said "Son, I have enormous wealth and I have always wanted to do something nice for you. What would you like from me?" The first son answered, "Father, I have always wanted to learn how to fly. Would you buy me a single engine Cessna?" His father bought him a Concord jet! When the second son was asked what he wanted, he said "Father, I have always wanted to learn how to sail. I would love to have a single mast sabot." His father bought him the Queen Elizabeth III. The third son was asked the same question and replied, "Dad, I just came back from Southern California where I went to Disneyland, and I'd love a little Mickey Mouse outfit." So his father bought him the new democratic Iraqi government!

A long time ago, in a small Russian town, an Orthodox Jewish family became poorer and poorer. No matter what the husband and wife did to try to put bread on the table, their family's situation became worse and worse. Finally, as the husband saw they were about to starve, he decided he could no longer live honestly. "Wife," he said, "Pack up my prayer shawl and phylacteries, and give me a knife. I will become a robber." The wife was extremely upset, but she did as her husband told her. The man wandered into the woods, and it wasn't long before he saw another Jewish man. This man looked fairly prosperous. "Reb Yid," the Yiddishe robber said, "Give me all that you have on you. Give me your money, your jewelry! If you don't, I will stab you to death! I'm not fooling around! Give me everything or I will leave you for dead!" The wealthier man quickly thought about the situation, and concluded it probably wouldn't happen. "I will give you nothing! If you wish, stab me!" The robber took out the knife and was about to stab him, when he looked at the knife and threw it away saying, "In alle shvartzsen yorn! Zi hot mir gegebn a milchikn messer!" (In all the dark years! She’s given me a milk knife!)

DidJew Know? By Marnie Winston-Macauley:

JEWS OUT OF THIS WORLD! - There are Jewish craters on the Moon. Or more precisely, there are craters named for rabbis. One, "Rabbi Levi," was no doubt dubbed so to honor the fourteenth-century Rabbi Levi ben Gershom known for his important contributions in mathematics, astronomy and navigation (Jacob's Staff). But crater-Levi is not a lone Moon Jew! Another crater was also named for a Jewish sage, twelfth-century Rabbi Abraham Ibn Ezra. The Spanish scholar was known for his astrological explanations for Scriptural passages.

GO FIGURE! VITAL HEBREW BIBLE STATSa.. The longest name is in the eighth chapter of Isaiah. It is that of his second son, Maher-shalal-hash-baz.b.. The longest verse is the ninth verse of the eighth chapter of Esther. It is ninety words describing the Persian Empire.c.. And speaking of the Book of Esther, the name of G-d is not mentioned, but knowledge, wisdom, holiness, and love, are.d.. The twenty-first verse of the seventh chapter of Ezra contains all the letters in the English alphabet, except "J."

HAVE AN EGGROLL, MR. TWO-GUN - One of the strangest alliances may be that of a London charlatan and SunYat-sen! Born to poor Polish Jewish emigres in 1887, Morris Cohen, a wastrel, connected to revolutionary China when, in a gambling den in Saskatoon, Canada he defended the Chinese owner during a robbery. Cohen went to China in 1922, where he became bodyguard for Sun Yat-sen and a "General" in the Army - all without knowing Chinese. Whether his exploits as tycoon, arms dealer, and adventurer made him a visionary, a hustler (or both), Two-Gun Cohen (who packed two pistols) was a character!

A MEZUZAH IN MONACO? A REAL JEWISH PRINCESS - Alice Heine, born on February 10, 1858 in New Orleans to the son of a Jewish European banking family, Michel Heine (nephew to Heinrich Heine), made a lovely footnote in history with not one, but two noble marriages. Her first, was to the 7th Duke of Richelieu. Following his death, the now-Catholic convert, known for her grace and culture, became the second wife of Prince Albert I of Monaco on October 30, 1889 and, until their divorce in June of 1902, shared the throne with Albert, great-grandad of Prince Rainier.

MARX HITS MARK WITH MARKS AND BENNY - In 1922, Jack Benny and the Marx Brothers were performing in Vancouver. A prominent businessman, David Marks (no relation) invited the Marx Brothers to dinner during Passover. Zeppo showed with pal Benny. Bored, Jack told Zeppo, "Let's get out of here right after dinner." David's daughter, twelve-year-old Sadie Marks, thought the twenty-eight-year-old comic rude. Four years later Sadie and Jack met again and Sadie went on to become his advisor, co-star - and wife (1927), under the name Mary Livingston! A romantic ending for Benny, born on Valentine's Day in 1894.

Two alte kakkers (geezers) are sitting on a bench in the park. Abe says, "I hear that eating raw oysters puts lead in your pencil." Sam replies, "I don't like raw oysters, and to tell you the truth, at my age I don't have any women to write to!"

This poem (contributed by a medical doctor) was apparently written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital whose dying wish to get the message out to everyone to live life to the fullest, since she never will.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.