Friday Funnies December 23 05

I want to wish a very Happy 65th Birthday to my good friend Stan S. (no, his last name is not Fluoride) with many happy returns of the day! You don't even look 55 yet!

Health activists are putting an initiative on the California ballot to raise the price of cigarettes to $6.00 a pack. So not only is the cost of living going up, so is the cost of dying. - Jay Leno

For those of you who aren't Jewish, Chanukah is the celebration of when a tiny amount of oil lasted for eight days. Boy, sound's like a Republican's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel-efficient device that doesn't use a lot of oil? - Jay Leno

The House of Representatives decided this week to take $90 million from a pandemic flu preparedness program to pay for Viagra and other impotence drugs. The Congressmen figure that when everyone else dies from avian flu, they're going to need all the help they can get re-populating the Earth. - Jake Novak

California health officials have launched a program that sends e- cards to inform people they may have caught an STD from a partner. Talk about your computer viruses... - Jim Barach

Holiday Humour:

Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

I have a friend whose family was so poor that for Christmas they got batteries witha note attached saying "toy not included."

Some Christmas visitor in a small central Texas town was very impressed with the beautiful decorations and especially the nativity scene in front of the Court House. There was Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus, the flock tenders and the three wise men. They were, however, somewhat confused by the fact that the three wise men were all wearing fire fighting helmets. Inside the courthouse approached a young woman and asked, "Please tell us why, on your beautiful nativity scene, the wise men are wearing firemen's helmets." The young woman in her deep Texas drawl replied, "Because the Bible says so. See, let me show you." She picked up her Bible and thumbed through it until she found the passage she was looking for. "See" she says, as she points to the scripture, "It says so right here, It says that the three wise men came from a far."

The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,With purchases little and large;
She doesn't believe in Santa Claus...Because she has her Master Charge!

Why does Santa wear red underwear? He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load.

Last week I saw an article in a magazine about chickens. They have yellow eyes and when fitted with red contact lenses, it makes them eat less, lay more, and stop henpecking. Once word of this gets around, rose-colored glasses could be the hottest Christmas and Chanukah gifts this year from hopeful husbands to their wives.

One December, a discount children's bookstore had set up a special rack of small holiday books. Looking at a few of the Chanukah books on display, a customer remarked to the counter clerk how well priced they were. The clerk said. "Yes, and they make great stocking stuffers too!"

The Dichotomy of Jewish Mothers.
On the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said,"You'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,"Have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead.
"On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,"Here's your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,"Taste my sugar cookies, here's your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,"YOU'RE GETTING FAT! taste my sugar cookies, here's your chocolate dreidel,have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,"Don't you like the doughnuts? YOU'RE GETTING FAT! taste my sugar cookies, here's your chocolate dreidel,have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,"Take another brownie,YOU'RE GETTING FAT! taste my sugar cookies, here's your chocolate dreidel,have a few more latkes, butyou'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,"Try my home-made strudel, take another brownie,YOU'RE GETTING FAT! taste my sugar cookies, here's your chocolate dreidel,have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

I am a victim of the latest scam at Yorkdale Mall. Two extremely attractive 19 year old (or so they say) girls approach you as you are parking your car. One starts wiping off your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other comes to your window and engages you in conversation while bending, displaying her ample breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to Lawrence Plaza. You agree, and tell them to sit in the back. On the way, they start having sex in the back seat. Then one of them jumps in the front seat with you and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and I couldn't find them again on Saturday or Sunday. So be very careful!

Screw that Mars and Venus crap! Let’s not overcomplicate the issue. All you need to know about men and women is that women are crazy and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is because men are stupid!

Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.

Travel Tip of the Day: Don't stay at the Marriott. The towels are so thick and fluffy that you can hardly close your suitcase.

It is no real new thing this face transplant technology. For many years the women I know have been having it done. The real mystery is how they manage to get it done between when I go to bed with them and when I wake up.

A general practioner and a nurse were on the train, going to a medical conference. Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow. "I wonder what's the matter with him?" said the nurse. "He's a patient of mine," the doctor replied, "And, in confidence, I can tell you that he suffers badly from hemorrhoids." "Well, why is he scratching there then?" "Oh, he's a politician. He doesn't know his ass from his elbow."

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

More Steven Wrightisms;
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
- I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
- A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
- I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I was talking with a friend about a married guy we know who seems to get his fair share of the ladies. I said that I don’t know how he gets away with it. The only thing I've ever done behind my wife's back is to zip her up.

A man goes to a party and has much too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back. They hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits, but finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. Two hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if her husband is there. His wife says yes, but that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. The police produce his driver's license. Then they ask to see his car. She wants to know why but they insist so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There, sitting in the garage, is the police car, with all the lights still flashing. Apparently a true story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

A Politically Correct Holiday Greeting:Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice , but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all;Plus:A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed colour, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishees.Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended recipients.