Archive 6

What do Jewish mothers, 60 Minutes and clocks have in common? All three begin with 'ts-ts-ts-ts-ts'... WHY ENGLISH IS SO DIFFICULT !!We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother we never say methren.Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim. Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example; If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree! Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them. What do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. If Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn't Mop?
Albert Einstein had tried to date outside his family circle, but he never found any of the other women appealing --especially in the boob department-that weren't within his familial group so he ended up marrying his cousin. He postulated that there is a special attraction to women in one's own family in his little known work, ‘The Theory of Relative Titty’.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. The first is never tell everything you know. "Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner." - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994) I asked a statistician for her phone number... and she gave me an estimate.
Two Definitions of a Statistician: 1. A Mathematician broken down by age and sex.2. Someone who is skilled at drawing a precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. Why is a physician held in much higher esteem than a statistician? A physician makes an analysis of a complex illness whereas a statistician makes you ill with a complex analysis!
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Bubba, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words, “Defeat,”, “Defense,” “Deduct,” and “Detail.” Bubba stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, “Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.”

Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in to work today. I’ve got a bad case of Anal Glaucoma." Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?" Employee: "I just can't see dragging my ass into work today!"

And now for a little bovine humour (very little): How does a farmer count a herd of cows? With a cowlculator. Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry. What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning? "It's just an udder day". Where do Russians get their milk? From Mos-cows. Real oldie goldie – a gem from the Second World War comes back to life!A train in Britain was very crowded, so the American soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans..You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, I do believe you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
I think I’m in the wrong business. Last week I walked into the pro shop at the local course and asked the golf pro if they sell ball markers. He said they did for $1.00 each. When I gave him the buck, he opened the register, put the dollar in and handed me a penny.

My wife took up horseback riding for weight loss. Last week she went out on the horse for two hours every day. So far the horse has lost 10 pounds.

Where are all the trees in Newfoundland? Between the 2’s and 4’s.

What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make? A wind tunnel.
What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? An air mattress
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Helpful hint: Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers.

There was a young man from St. Paul'sWho read Harper's Bazaar and McCall'sTill he grew such a passionFor feminine fashionThat he knitted a bra for his balls.
Some things you can only learn from your grampa down on the farm:* Don't name a pig you plan to eat.* Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.* Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.* Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps. * Mortgaging a future crop is saddling a wobbly colt. * A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor. * Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked. * Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. * Meanness don't happen overnight.* To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.* Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful. * Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.* Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.* Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.* You can't unsay a cruel thing.* Don't corner something meaner than you.* Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.* Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.* You can't unsay a cruel thing.* Every path has some puddles.* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached.* Most of the stuff people worry about happening, don't.* Lazy and Quarrelsome are ugly sisters. There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?" He said, "I'm a former window washer." I asked, "When did you give it up?" He replied, "Halfway down."
A fellow tells his friend that his dog is a cross between a Bichon Friese and a Schitzu.” When asked how he could tell what’s what, he replied that the front half must be ‘Friese’ because the back half is definitely ‘schitzu’.
Due to the popularity of the Survivor series, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor - Texas Style". The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm gay... I love the Dixie Chicks... Boycott Beef... I voted for Al Gore... George Strait Sucks... Hillary in 2004... I'm here to confiscate your guns."The first one who makes it back to Dallas alive, wins!

At an Alaska Airlines ticket counter, a small boy, with his mother, told the agent he was two years old. The man looked at him suspiciously and asked, “Do you know what happens to little boys who lie?” ”Yes. They get to fly at half price.”

What do you get when you cut a Tuba in half? Two Onebas.

The Middle Wife By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacherI've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a fewsessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh! Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are mimicking water flowing away. It was too much! "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.'" "They started counting, but never even got past ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there." Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 81 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them. In 1923 the president of the largest steel company was Charles Schwab. He died a pauper. In 1923 the president of the largest gas company was Edward Hopson. He went insane. In 1923 the president of the NYSE was Richard Whitney. Years later he was released from prison to die at home. In 1923 the greatest wheat speculator was Arthur Cooger. He later died abroad, penniless. In 1923 the president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself. In 1923 the Great Bear of Wall Street was Cosabee Livermore. He also later committed suicide. However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death. The Moral: Forget work. Play golf.
One fine afternoon while walking in the forest near his home, Moishe has to relieve himself, which he does by squatting behind some bushes. There is no toilet paper so (you should excuse him) he wipes himself with some nearby leaves. After a while his backside begins to itch unbearably, so much so that he goes to the doctor. "Moishe, I got some bad news - you appear to have wiped yourself with poison ivy", says the doctor. "Oh my G-d what am I going to do?" cries Moishe. The itching is driving me crazy." "Don't worry", counsels the doctor, “here is some Sedlitz Powder. Go home and put one packet in a gallon of warm water and soak your bottom in it for thirty minutes every four hours. It will take the itching away." Moishe goes home and puts a packet of powder into a warm pot of water. He places this in the center of the kitchen floor and sits in it as ordered. His wife Sarah comes home and starts to scream at the sight of him sitting naked in a pot in the middle of the kitchen floor. “Moishe bist meshuga? Vos tist du? Vos tist du?" Moishe yells back trying to explain - the woods, the leaves, the doctor, the poison ivy, the powder etc etc. "Ivy shmyvy", she screams back. "Nem aroyse dein fleischedickeh toochess fun der milichdickeh tepple."
Have you heard about the woman who became a devotee of a swami and fell in love with the man? We hear she studied at the meat of her faster.

SLOGANS HILLIARY WILL USE TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT:
"Read My Lips -- No New Interns"
"Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"
"Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?"
"Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign"
"Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"
"You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job"
"Still Not Indicted As Of Early '99!"
"From Perjury To Albany"
"Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It"
"Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas"

A LITTLE (MORE) CLINTON BASHING
- After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.
- The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you can get sex from Aides.
- Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
- The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress: "Presidue."
- Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.
- Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
- Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!
- Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned, "Prepare to become a widow. Your husband will soon
suffer a violent death!" Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
Two Irish guys are walking down the road and see a box in which they find four bombs. Pat says " It's the law if you find anything you must take it to the police station and report your find". They start down the road with a bomb under each arm. Mick suddenly stops and says " What if one of these explodes?" Pat replies, "Sure now we will just tell the cops we only found three.

A Limerick Has Only Five LinesThe First Two And Last One All Rhyme.Lines Four And ThreeMust Rhyme Perfectly.While The Rhythm Is Somewhat Like Mine.

An Oldie Goldie by way of Vienna (must be Old Vienna)
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!""What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine, now." "Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day, we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop." "It was my first day with the hook."

Just got a post card from a friend who’s prone to mood swings. He said, ”Having a great time. Wish I were dead.”

Cruise Diary:
MONDAY: Dear Diary ... What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honoured this evening. The Captain personally asked me to dine at his table. Great food and lively conversation.
TUESDAY: Dear Diary ... I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. It was a very interesting place to be, but I didn't understand all the technical instruments.
WEDNESDAY: Dear Diary ... This evening the Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman. While he is an attractive man, I'm not that type of a lady.
THURSDAY: Dear Diary .. Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!
FRIDAY: Dear Diary .... This afternoon I saved 1,600 lives! Twice!

True bravery is arriving home late, after a boy’s night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom......and having the balls to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

A judge in the rabbinical court was interviewing Mildred Schwartz regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About ten acres and a very nice little home in da middle of da property vit a stream running trouh it." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "Vell, It is made of concrete, brick und mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "Vell, I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "Oy, no," she replied, "Ve have a two-car carport and dat's more dan enough." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yah, both my son und daughter have stereo sets. Ve don't necessarily like dat music, but the answer to your questions is yah." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yah," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier dan I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Mrs. Schvartz, why do you want a divorce?" "Oy, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never vanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate vit me!"
A Limerick Is Best When It's Lewd,
Gross, Titillating And Crude.
But This One Is Clean
Unless You Are Seen
Reading It Aloud In The Nude.

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD:
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- Any female not willing to put out on the first date would have a BT for "Big Tease" stamped on her forehead with a special ink that could only be removed with semen after the actual sex act is completed.
- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.
- The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
- Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
- The only reality show on TV would be shown from a women’s prison where all inmates are totally nude.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Two words..."Ally McNaked".
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
- Cotton and flannel nightgowns and pajamas would be outlawed. Only sheer lacy sleepwear would be allowed but could not be worn in bed.
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- All restaurants would have delivery service.
- Daisy Duke shorts and mini skirts would never go out of style again.

A Red-Headed Stripper Called Sally
Regularly Performed At The Pallais.
She Got Such Applause
On Dropping Her Drawers
'Cos The Hair On Her Head Did Not Tally.

THOUGHTS FOR TODAY
1. The best way to get even is to forget...
2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death...
3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...
4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...
5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth...
6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, Then perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!
7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up...
8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.
9. Words are windows to the heart.
10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery.
11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little dirt.
12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person; it's being the right person.
13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
14. Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.
15. The tongue must be heavy, indeed, because so few people can hold it.
16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free and then discover the prisoner was you.
17. You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive!
18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
19. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck...
20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Comments on Life
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". ~Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea; visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. ~Les Dawson
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. ~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' ~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Unknown
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~Unknown
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Unknown
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. ~Unknown
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~Unknown
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ~Unknown

A mother may hope that her daughter will get a better husband than she did, but she knows her son will never get as good a wife as his father did.

Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and I would like to have someone to share it with." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother. Men will never learn.
There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.

If your parents did not have any children, chances are you won't either.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

CONFUCIUS SAY
- Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
- Bacteria only culture some people have.
- Man who let woman on top, fucking up.

Whorehouse:. A nymph lode.
Ode to Old:My nookie days are overMy pilot light is outWhat used to be my sex appealIs now my waterspout. Time was when, on its own accordFrom my trousers it would springBut now I've got a full time jobTo find the blasted thing. It used to be embarrassingThe way it would behaveFor every single morningIt would stand up and watch me shave. Now as old age approachesIt sure gives me the bluesTo see it hang its little headAnd watch me tie my shoes.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

FOUR is HALF of FIVE. Is this statement True or False? It's True. The Roman Numeral FOUR (IV) is in the middle of the
word Five: F(IV)E

Two moments in Captain Hook's past
Memories of which still leave him aghast.
A visit quite vile
From a big crocodile,
And that time he was wiping his ass!

What is the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care.

Waking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her husband and frowned. "I can't believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!" The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week. "Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy, so he promptly dropped his pants to show off his penis operation. "Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

A friend of mine complains that she has the worst luck with men. No matter how hard she tries she always ends up with guys that are as smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!

A male friend told me he’s fallen in love with a girl he met at a bar last week. but when he asked her if she could learn to love him, she asked him how much he was willing to spend on her education.

There was a young man from Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn't have been,
If his father had seen
That the tip of the rubber was torn!

HELPFUL HINT - Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-- even though the product has never been advertised for this use.

DID YOU KNOW - The Muppet Show was banned from TV in Saudi Arabia because one of its stars was a pig. (I guess by corollary they must have also banned the Anna Nicole Smith Show)

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent then they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Tommy, what's the matter?" Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm gonna have a wife."

The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective. Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? The following truisms may shed some light:- Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees. - Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2.You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more unless you buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+.You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.Golf doesn't have free agency.In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball.Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.And finally, here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy.
Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen?During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out. My kind of game!
Some years ago, a young woman took a vacation to France with one of her girlfriends. Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife asked, "Would you like me to bring something back for you?" The husband laughed and says, " How about a French girl !" Our lady kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the terminal. Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked "So, honey, how was the trip?" " Really great, I loved Paris." "And, what happened to my present?" "Which present?" "What I asked for....the French girl ?" "Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl !!!"

Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?1) Cain, because he wasn't Abel.2) Moses, because he went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.3) King David, because he sat on the throne for forty years.4) Solomon, because neither heaven nor Earth could move him.5) Noah, because he was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

SIGNS YOUR SOFT DRINK CONTAINS VIAGRA:
- Available in two terrific flavors: 7" Up and Mount 'n' Do.
- The wife's pouring it on your corn flakes.
- Its theme song is "I'd Like To Teach The World To Schwing."
- As you walk away from the recycling bin, you can hear the cans un-crushing themselves.
- Those Mountain Dew guys can finally express their true feelings for one another.
- When you shake it up, it pays you 50 dollars.
- New surprisingly graphic 7-Up label banned in 37 countries.
- Severe headache, upset stomach, blue-tinted vision-oh wait, that's just regular ol' Diet Mountain Dew.
- The fast food kid's remark: "Oh, it'll be super-sized, alright."
- When you dump a cooler of it over your coach's head, his hair goes all Don King.
- In the blind taste test, it's pretty obvious which one guys prefer.
- The Pepsi Challenge now involves a stopwatch, 2 quarts of Mazola, and the Rockettes.

As two elderly women were getting their hair done in a beauty parlor, a well-endowed young girl came in wearing a very low cut tank top that revealed a rose tattooed on her breast. One lady leaned over to the other and said, "She doesn't know it, but in 50 years , she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket"

One drunk confide in another, "You know, I'll never forget the first time I turned to the bottle as a substitute for women." The second drunk asked, "Why? What happened?" The drunk replied, "Are you kidding, I got my dick stuck in the bottle."
Fighting with lightsabers seems to be such a dangerous sport. I would think that there would be fewer Jedi Knights named"Obi-wan" and more named "Lefty."-Chris Akre What do you call a woman who puts her diaphragm in crooked? Mom.

I was thinking just the other day about how life just couldn’t get much worse for me, then I realized that cats have to use their tongues for toilet paper!

Please God, if you can’t make me thin, make all my friends fat.

I wish I was a glow worm,
A glow worm’s never glum.
Cuz how can you be grumpy,
When the sun shines out your bum!

Two lazy factory workers, one brunette, the other blonde, were talking. "I think I'll take the rest of the day off." said the brunette. "How do you think you'll do that?" asked the blonde. The brunette said, “Watch this!” and climbed up to the rafters, and hung upside down. The boss walked in, saw the brunette hanging from the ceiling and asked what she was doing? "I'm a light bulb." answered the brunette. "I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the brunette jumped down and walked out of the factory. The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked, “Where do you think you’re going?” The blonde called back over her shoulder, "Home. I can't work in the dark!”
Signs of the Times(some old some new)On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on WheelsOn a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

Have you heard about the organization dedicated to preserving wooden toilets? It's called the Birch John Society.

Résumé Faux Pas Typos and Grammar Slips:
"Suspected to graduate early next year."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."
"After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work."
"Accounting cleric."
"As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
"Fired because I fought for lower pay."
"Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6'5"."
"Please disregard the enclosed resume—it is terribly out of date."
"Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy."
"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
"Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the Revenue Canada, the RCMP and CSIS."
"Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near."
"Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
Bad Humour and Bad Taste
"Title: Another résumé from the 'Profiles in Excellence' series."
"Note: Keep this résumé on top of the stack. Use all others to heat your house."
"Also Known As: Mr. Productivity, Mr. Clever, Mr. Fix-it."
"Assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting." (Translation: Short-order cook.)
"But wait...there's more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job'—and I like your company in particular."
"Trustworthy references available upon request—if I give them a few bucks."
"Let's meet so you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' over my experience."

You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When...1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.6. You strike a match and light your nose.7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

While she was having her annual pap test, a woman mentioned to her gynecologist, that she had six kids. He said, "Yeah, I can tell. You have the biggest box I have ever seen". Very hurt, after she got home she went into the bathroom, took the mirror off the wall, and laid it on the floor so she could have a look for herself. As she squatted over the mirror, her husband walked in and saw her and asked what she was doing. Embarrassed she said, "I am doing my exercises.” He said, "Well, careful you don't fall into that fucking hole."

Gay Jokes: Some old, some new and some really awful!
What Is A Gay Masochist? A Sucker For Punishment.
What Is A Gay Seven-course Dinner? Seven Inches, Seven Ways.
What Is Better, Being Born Black Or Gay? Black, Because You Don't Have To Tell Your Parents.
What Is The Brown Stuff On A Queer's Dick? Gay Poopon.
What Is The Definition Of Bloody Mary? A Wounded Gay.
What Is The Difference Between A Freezer And A Gay? A Freezer Doesn't Fart After You Pull The Meat Out!
What Is The Difference Between A Microwave And A Gay Male's Lifestyle? The Microwave Won't Brown Your Meat.
What Is The Difference Between A Straight Rodeo And A Gay Rodeo? At A Straight Rodeo They Yell `Ride Them Suckers!'
What Is The Most Entertaining Part About Gay Bars? The Cockfighting In The Back Room.
What Is The Most Common Phrase Heard In A Gay Bar? `May I Push In Your Stool?'
When There Was A Gay On Your Back, Would You Beat Him Off?
Who Is The Saddest Gay In Hollywood? The Last One To Get A Piece Of The `Rock'.
Why Did The Gay Cover Himself With Whipped Cream? He Was Going To The Party As A Wet Dream.
Why Didn't The Gay Student Sit Down? His Seat Was Taken Right Before Class.
Why Do Bi-Sexuals And Gay Men Smoke Cigars? Practice Makes Perfect!
Why Is A 25 Year Old Gay Like A 90 Year Old Heterosexual? For Each One, Sex Is Behind Him.
Why Is A Gay At An Orgy Like A Turkey? He'll Gobble, Gobble, Gobble 'Till You Cut Off His Head.
Why Is Normal Sperm Fresher Than Homosexual Sperm? Because Most Gay Sperm Comes In A Can.
Why Was The Gay Fired From His Job At The Sperm Bank? For Drinking On The Job.
Why Was The Gay Sergeant Court-Martialed? They Caught Him Playing With His Privates.
Why Will Al Gore Get The Gay Vote? Because Gays Don't Like Bush.
Did You Hear About The Gay Milkman? He Never Left An Empty Behind.
Did You Hear That David Koresh Was A Closeted Gay? He Was Flaming, But He Didn't Come Out.
How Do You Tell Which House The Gay Lives In? On The Doormat It Says, `Wipe Your Knees.'
Did You Hear About The Gay Catholic? He Couldn't Decide If The Pope Was Faaaaaabulous Or Simply Divine.

Sex is now considered a misdemeanor – the more you miss, de meaner you get!

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy," Stop being a scrote! " With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?" Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum - somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

Barbie Dolls Inc. Announces The Release Today of Limited Edition BarbieDolls for the Vancouver Market:
West Van Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Park Royal (at selected stores only). She comes with assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a 2 million dollar house. Options include tummy tuck, face lift, spa certificates for Tiba, and a workaholic cheating husband Dr.Ken.
Tsawwassen / White Rock Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.
East Van Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a slammed Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows and a Methadone Clinic Ken. Also available in a jailbird version with orange coveralls.
Yaletown Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken.
Cloverdale Barbie: This white-trash model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's a$$ when she's drunk. A
pickup is available with JR Country Radio bumper stickers.
Aldergrove Barbie: The Parkside version has a mouth that is firmly closed so as not to show her summer teeth, Daisy Dukes and a half T-shirt that guarantees you can see her navel piercing and at least 5 tattoos. Both versions swear
incessantly and are not recommended for children. She is a GRCC drop-out, and has never made it out of what she calls "the rockin' grove"
Surrey Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear high-heeled sandals from Payless with no pedicure and without breaking a heel and falling while you chase your beer gutted mullet wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly pink color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back of her jeans, a white barely-there see-through shirt. Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with
Bon Jovi, and a 1996 Camaro Z-28.
Maple Ridge Barbie: This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark Polyester skirt, white pantyhose and a bad haircut. Options include a Rick James T-shirt, Wal-Mart purse and outdated shoes.
Chilliwack Barbie: This flannel wearing Barbie comes with her own 4-H ribbon collection, brown pick up truck and blue eye shadow! She's a country girl at heart with cow manure odoured boots (scratch and sniff the soles for a realistic dose
of country fun) Cowboy Ken is toothless and also clad in red and black flannel check shirt.

FBI's Top 10 Homicides for 2000
Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Murder/Homicides.
Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 10 Homicides of the Year.
1- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheelchair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
2 - Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his eight-year-old daughter, whom he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner, no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
3 - David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
4 - Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for eight years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos had paid his rent.
5- Megan Fry, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
6 - Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.
7 - Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of three months, Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an earlobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check-up.
8 - Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two-timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55-metre deep crater, and 500 metres of missing road.
9 - Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this, he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
10 - Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read ‘Death to all Niggers!’ on one side, and ‘God Loves the KKK’ on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

HUMAN RESOURCES HELPFUL HINTS
Take any two prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don't even look up or move when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

The following is not a joke, but if you haven’t seen it, it’s well worth reading.
Mel Brooks on Judaism:
"I may be angry at God or at the world, and I'm sure that a lot of my comedy is based on anger and hostility...It comes from a feeling that as a Jew and as a person, I don't fit into the mainstream of American society. "Feeling different, feeling alienated, feeling persecuted, feeling that the only way you can deal with the world is to laugh - because if you don't laugh you're going to cry and never stop crying - that's probably what's responsible for the Jews having developed such a great sense of humor. The people who had the greatest reason to weep, learned more than anyone else how to laugh.
Based on the accomplishments of individual Jews, Nobel Prize winners and heroes of modern culture, as well as the amount of attention Jews get in the media, you'd never believe the correct answers: There are little more than 13 million Jews in the world, comprising less than 1/4 of 1% of the world's population!
Do you think it's just a coincidence? Twenty-one percent of Nobel Prize winners have been Jews, even though Jews comprise less than one-quarter of one percent of the world's population. Choose any field, and you will find that Jews have excelled in it.
Think of the names of many modern-day figures most responsible for the intellectual turning points in history - MARX, FREUD, EINSTEIN - and you will find proof of the Biblical verdict: "Surely this is...a wise and understanding people." There simply is no way to deny it.
Jews really are smart. There must be a reason - and I can give you three: HEREDITY, ENVIRONMENT and A UNIQUE VALUE SYSTEM:
HEREDITY - Historians have pointed out a fascinating difference between Jews and Christians. In Christianity, as well as in many other religions, holiness was identified with asceticism, great spirituality with the practice of celibacy. For centuries the finest minds among Christians were urged to join the church and become priests. That effectively condemned their genetic pool of intelligence to an untimely end. Jews, on the other hand, took quite seriously the first commandment to mankind - to be fruitful and multiply. Sex was never seen as sinful, but rather as one of those things created
by God that he surely must have had in mind when he declared, in reviewing his work, that "Behold everything was very good."
Among Jews, the most intelligent were encouraged to become religious leaders. As rabbis, they had to serve as role models for their congregants as procreators and "fathers of their countries." Brains got passed on from generation to generation, and Jews today are still reaping the benefits of the frequent sexual activities of their ancestors.
ENVIRONMENT - If challenge and response are the keys to creativity and achievement, it's no surprise that Jews are smart; they've been challenged more than anyone else on earth. The school of hard knocks is a wonderful teacher. Jews had no choice but to learn to be better than anyone else since the odds were always so very much stacked against them. When you're born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you tend to get fat and lazy. When you're born with the lash of a whip on your back, you quickly learn to become crafty, street smart, and knowledgeable in everything that will help you make it through life.
A UNIQUE VALUE SYSTEM - We still haven't touched on the most important reason of all. Jews are smart because they have been raised in a tradition that treasures education above everything else, that considers study the highest obligation of mankind, and that identifies the intellect as part of us created in "the image of God." To be illiterate was unheard of in the Jewish world, not only because it was a sign of stupidity, but, more significantly, because it was a sin. Jews are obligated by law to review the Bible in its entirety every year, dividing it into manageable weekly sections. The widespread custom when a child turned three years old was to write the letter of the Hebrew alphabet on a board in honey and have the child learn them as he licked them off, equating their meaning with the taste of sweetness. Jews studied the Midrash, and it taught them: The Sword and the Book came from Heaven together, and the Holy One said: "Keep what is written in this Book or be destroyed by the other." Jews studied the Mishna and it taught them, "Say not when I have leisure.”
Philosophical Tevye, that delightful creation of the Yiddish writer Sholem Aleichem and the star of Fiddler On The Roof, explained that Jews always wear hats because they never know when they will be forced to travel. What he didn't say, which is probably more important, is that they always made sure to have something under their hats and inside of their heads - because physical possessions could be taken from them, but what they accumulated in their minds would always remain the greatest "merchandise" a Jew possesses.
First, a seasonally appropriate Oldie GoldieWHAT IF THREE WISE JEWISH WOMEN HAD GONE TO BETHLEHEM INSTEAD OF THREE WISE MEN?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, hired someone to clean the stable, made a brisket and brought practical gifts.
AND WHAT WOULD THEY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER AFTER THEY LEFT?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that shmatta?" "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!" "Virgin? I knew her in school!" "Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in there?" "I heard that Joseph doesn't have a job." "And that donkey they are riding has seen better days!" "We'll just see how long it will take to get your brisket dish back." Oddities from the English Press:Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times) At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express) Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

SO, YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20."
The almond is a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I’m like that at a buffet)
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.
In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. (Maybe because of that embarrassment, the $2 bill is now a coin.)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye."
Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand (imagine what you can do with the stew with your unencumbered right), "lollipop" with your right.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
The average person's left hand does 56% of! the typing.
The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze.
The words 'racecar' and 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times: "indivisibility."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Now YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety! George Washington Carver: The man who performed the autopsy on the first President of the U. S. A.
Do ne'er-do-well's end up on the shady side of the family tree? What's the difference between a gossip and a mirror? One speaks without reflecting and the other reflects without speaking. What are you, if you are sans attire and feeling really depressed? Nude Indigo Sign in real estate office window: Get lots while you are young! A female espionage agent spent a mint having a secret camera built into her bra because she wanted to have aphotographic mammary! If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine. Geneticists have managed to cross a sheep with a porcupine. The result wasn’t pretty but it knits its own sweaters. Did you know that the electric chair was invented by a dentist? (I think it was the dentist I had as a kid!) There was a young man from Boston,Who drove a magnificent Austin.There was room for his assAnd two gallons of gas.But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF? 1.Smarties 2.Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp 3.The size of our footballs fields and one less down.4.Baseball is Canadian 5.Lacrosse is Canadian 6.Hockey is Canadian 7.Basketball is Canadian 8.Apple pie is Canadian 9.Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass 10.Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass 11.In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it...and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon MaKenzie King who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied...Go figure.. 12.Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany. 13.We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER. 14.Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour. 15.The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught. 16.We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on. 17.The Hudson’s Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company. 18.The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes. 19.We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo. 20.We don't marry our kin-folk. 21.We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year. 22.We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.23.A Canadian invented Superman.24.We have coloured money.25.Our beer advertisments kick ass.BUT MOST IMPORTANT! 24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!! 26.And we don't bomb our allies. oh yeah... and our elections only take one day. CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED:SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented AreDEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for ChristmasNARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About MeMANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why...BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ............better start again…
MEMO TO DICK GEPHARDT: DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
Re: Becoming more Jewish.
The recent revelations that most of the Democratic candidates have Jewish roots requires us to take swift action. Just to review the recent news: Howard Dean's wife and kids are Jewish, Dennis Kucinich keeps kosher (because of his Jewish girlfriend), General Wesley Clark comes from a line of rabbis in Minsk, Hillary Clinton's grandmother married someone named Max Rosenberg, and John Kerry, of all people, learned that both his paternal grandparents were Jewish (Kerry was originally Kohn).
Call me paranoid, but I suspect these candidates saw how well the Jewish thing polled for Joe Lieberman and did some creative genealogy to come up with Jewish roots. Kerry's polling, in fact, revealed a 6% hike in his favorable when voters were asked, "How would you feel if it turned out that Senator Kerry had Jewish roots?" This polled much higher than when they asked about Hinduism or Bahai.
My polling shows a similar pattern. Apparently, while being Jewish used to be associated with greed, disloyalty, and pushiness, it now is associated with good SATs, strong families, and fiscal responsibility. Unfortunately, we're too late to simply find some Jewish ancestors for you. We're going to have to devise ways for you to seem Jewish despite the baggage of having all gentile ancestors. A few ideas:
1) Announce you are lactose-intolerant. Most candidates have some medical problem, and if yours is lactose intolerance, a common affliction of European Jews, you can imply that you have Jewish roots without actually having to prove it.
2) Throw Yiddish Into stump speeches. Try getting the crowd to chant, "Bush is a schmuck; don't buy his shtick!" For your big speech coming up at the Longshoreman's union, let's announce "the European Union is meshugenah!"
3) Work with Jane. You know I think the world of your wife, but she is--how should I put this?--about as shiksa as they come. We need to make her seem more Hadassah Lieberman, less Barbara Bush. Can she learn to bake potato kugel?
4) Turn more of your statements into questions. In accordance with Jewish rabbinical tradition, you should now answer all questions with questions. For instance, if a reporter asks you, "What do you think of forcing a regime change in Iraq?" you should not answer that "a properly orchestrated regime change could stabilize the region, and promote American national security interests." Rather, you should say, "So, what's not to like?"
5) Eat more Chinese food. While I don't fully appreciate Jewish people's fondness for Chinese food, I have taken the liberty of asking our research and approach folks to locate a Chinese restaurant in every Midwestern state. If we can find one, I recommend replacing the classic coffee-at-the-diner-outside-the-factory with a mu-shu-at-the-Chinese-restaurant-near-the-outlet-mall.
6) Develop a Streisand strategy. I'm working on a separate memo on how to get her endorsement. But we need to have a plan B. I recommend that we simultaneously court Mandy Patinkin, a move that would fly below the radar screen of the mainstream press, which fails to understand Patinkin's apparent status as a major Jewish cultural figure. We have some catching up to do, but if our strategies are fruitful, our voters will multiply. Shalom.
A new virus has been detected that you may want to take precautions against. This is the Palestinian Virus - a virus that settles in our PC, claims it was there before your PC was built or Bill Gates was born, then demands parts of your hard drive. If you want the virus to leave you and your PC alone, you can try to give the virus the hard drive space it wants, but it will refuse the deal and start killing data on your computer. Some people have suggested a solution for this virus problem is to give the virus its own PC. As stated above, this virus has been known to refuse the offer. Other nearby PCs won't take the virus either, even if the virus is compatible the other computers. The virus seems to want nothing less than to take over your entire computer and with the removal and destruction of all your data. Software based anti-virus solutions have been proposed, but so far only hardware solutions have had any impact. The only solution we have been able to determine that may work is physical removal of the virus from your computer. The only problem with this solution is all the other computers will object, and you will be castigated in the media and by the UN.A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or un-lovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other. A confused nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "God is both male and female." This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" She responds along the same line, "God is both black and white." This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" The mother becomes concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly says, "Then God must be Michael Jackson!" What is the difference between a racing greyhound and Michael Jackson? The greyhound usually waits for the hare (hair) to come out! Well, by now we’ve all heard the news that Saddam Hussein has been captured in a hole near Tikrit, Iraq and positively identified. The capture was easy. The hard part was making sure it wasn't Nick Nolte, Glenn Campbell, Luciano Pavrotti or Santa (Satan) Claus on a bad day. Kalifornya - The New California Governor has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or, if nobody will be offended, "Austrionics"). In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united vorld vil finali kum tru. If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl. Sexual Tension Quiz - What's on your mind these days? Is it in the gutter as usual? Let's find out! (Answers Below)A. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.(What Am I?)B. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. (What Am I?)C. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. (What Am I?)D. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open. (What Am I?)E. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. (What Am I?)F. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. (What Am I?)G. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. (What Am I?)H. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.(What Am I?)I. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. (What Am I?)J. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. (What Am I?)K. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. (What Am I?)L. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. (What Am I?)M. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it. (What Am I?)N. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush. (What Am I?)Answers:A. Nose B. Peanut Butter C. Crane D. Titanic E. Tent F. Dentist G. Wedding Ring H. Elevator I. Chewing Gum J. Newspaper Boy K. Glove L. Arrow M. An attorney N. Bird One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, how about playing Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Jung Lee. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you andit's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged. "But Id rather just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me." Jung Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."....Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang, "Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas, Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas, Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas, and a Happy New Year."What were you thinking...? What is the truest definition of Globalization? Princess Diana's death. How come?An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by a Jewish Canadian using Bill Gates' technology and you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you. That, my friend, is Globalization! At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks." Given the likely reaction to an increase in terror-alert level to "severe threat imminent," wouldn't a more appropriate alert color be brown? A blonde went to a photo shop with an old picture of a former beau wearing a hat and wanted to know if the photographer could retouch the photo and remove the hat from the picture. He said it could easily be accomplished, and asked her what side of his head did the man in the picture part his hair on. Thinking hard for a moment, the blonde said, "I forget, but can’t you just see that yourself when you take off his hat?" Then there was the confused fellow who put Jewish Fly in his dates drink by mistake. After a couple of minutes she sashayed over to him, touched his arm very provocatively, and asked, "Want to go shopping with me?" A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it." On the street one day a fellow spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been? What are you doing?" "Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra." "Spectacular!" the man replies. "Well, it’s not as great you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold, and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo. "We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo. "Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit, AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!" 12 politically correct days of Christmas:On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlandsSIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,FOUR hours of recorded whale songs ,THREE deconstructionist poets,TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)** Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute thisgratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
SANTA's PICK-UP LINES!"I know if you've been bad or good - so let's skip the small talk, sister!"
"Hey babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?""Interested in seeing the 'North Pole'?"
"Forget the "nice" list - I've got you on my 'nice AND naughty' list!""How'd you like to shake like a bowl full of jelly?"
"I've got something you can hang a wreath on!""I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?"
"Wanna play some reindeer games?""That IS a candy cane in my pocket, and I AM glad to see you."
"Uh, yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers.""One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"
"I've got something special in the sack just for you!""I got your stocking stuffer right here, babe!"
"Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!"

Jose was 35 and desperate to meet an attractive Latina he could date and maybe marry. After trying unsuccessfully to meet a nice attractive woman at a bar or club, his friend suggested the Internet. He had luck meeting women that way and his only warning was "Be direct and state exactly what you are looking for, no more, no less". Taking his friends advice he decided to place an ad on a dating service stating exactly what he wanted, "Latino seeking sensual Latina." He got a response from girl #2259 with her address and directions to pick her up on Friday night at 8:00 pm for a date. When he arrives at her door, he finds that she is indeed sensual. But he notices she is black. Figuring she must be Dominicana or Cubana, he starts to speak Spanish to her, "Como esta usted senorita?" With attitude the girl replied..."OH HELLLLLLLL NO, you must be trippin!" Confused and startled, Jose asks the woman, "Don't you speak Spanish?" The woman shocked replied, "Now why the HELLLLL would I speak Spanish?" Embarrassed, Jose carefully explains that while she is very attractive there must be a mistake because his ad clearly stated "Seeking Sensual Latina" Enraged, the woman tells Jose, "Fool, you better RECOGNIZE you GOT what you WANTED! My momma is LaShonda, my sister is LaQuisha, my brother is LaTrell ..and I am LaTINA !

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (2003 Version)Your standard of living improves when you go camping.Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.Your neighbour has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.None of the tires on your van are the same size.You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.Starting your car involves popping the hood.Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.You whistle at women in church.You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.
Rednecks are much more likely to have good sex on their wedding night than other people..... of course you're ALWAYS going to feel more comfortable with a relative you grew up with!
Did you hear about the blonde virgin who wasn't upset about losing her cherry? She figured she could always get a new one, since she still had the box it came in. Little Known Illnesses:PSEUDONYMPHOMANIA - Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name.HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX - Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.HERPES CINEPLEX - Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.VISACARDITIS - The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.OREOPOROSIS - Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
Stanley, a banker and his fiancee Georgette, a lawyer, were a modern couple, quite realistic about the state of marriage these days. They met with the minister of the church to discuss their marriage vows. "Pastor," said Georgette, "we wonder if we could make a change in the wording of our ceremony." "Yes, Georgette," replied the pastor, "it is sometimes done. What do you have in mind?" "Well," said Georgette, "we'd like to alter the 'until death do us part' section to read, 'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.'
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to Preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
Merry Christmas & Happy Hanukkah to everyone. I believe you will enjoy this holiday tale customized for all of you legal eagles! - A Lawyer's Night Before Christmas: Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick AKA/St. Nicholas AKA/Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional coconspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the US Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

Now, just to finish off the Christmas thing….
CORPORATE MEMO

To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "12 Days of Christmas"Policy
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).
We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.
As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

WALKIN' IN A DOGGIE WONDERLAND
Dog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, NOT white I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know that it's
Mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,
Flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland."

How You Know What Part of the States You’re From:
You Live in California when...1. You make over $250,000, and you still can't afford to buy a house.2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.4. You know how to eat an artichoke. 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. You Live in New York City when...1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.4. You think Central Park is "nature,"5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.6. You've worn out a car horn.7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.You Live in Maine when...1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.3. You have more than one recipe for moose. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.You Live in the Deep South when...1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural. 3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.You live in Colorado when....1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center.3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.You live in the Midwest when...1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"You live in Florida when....1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet.
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight willgo faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Three Saudis were sitting in a restaurant having dinner and trying to decide where to go for vacation.
The first Saudi said "Let's go to Jerusalem". The second one responded "There are too many Jews there, maybe we should go to Florida." The third Saudi answers "there are too many Jews there too, Maybe we should go to New York'. The first one whines "No, there are far too many Jews there." A little old lady sitting at the next table leans over and says "Vell, vy don't you go to hell, there are no Jews there".

Two Brits were standing a bus stop when a Swiss car pulled up, looking for directions.
Swiss: "Entschuldigen, sprechen Sie Deutsch?"
Brits: (blank looks)
Swiss: "Parlez - vous francais?"
Brits: (still blank looks)
Swiss "Hable usted Espanol?"
Brits: (still nothing)
Swiss "Parlate italiano?"
Brits: (shrug shoulders)
Swiss guy drives off in a huff...
1st Brit to 2nd Brit: "You know we really should learn another language"
2nd Brit: "Why? It didn't do him any good!"
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs.".........You're gonna love this..........The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
How are a blonde and a bowling ball alike? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling West. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada (God forbid) or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the statement, "He whohas a Tates is lost." Saddam Hussein, This Is Your Life! - By Doug PowersYou had more body doubles than Cher at a "La Cage Aux Folles" film festival in San Francisco's Castro District. Your taste in decor was so decadent and gaudy that your choice of interior design reminds one of a hillbilly who just won the Powerball Lotto. You were a perverted butcher, and a cold-blooded killer with a snappy fedora. Saddam Hussein -- this is your life! News of your capture has hit some people hard. You will be missed by what's left of the "Fedayeen Saddam," your loyalists who dress in black from head to toe while wielding guns, knives, bombs and generally unpleasant demeanors, making them loosely resemble a group of heavily armed widows with a nasty case of PMS. You were born in 1937, in the small village of al-Awja, just outside Takrit. A spirited little bugger even before birth, you were the type of baby who tried to come out breech on purpose. You reveled in the discomfort of others, and your family could see the beginnings of your sadistic behavior when you began playing "paper, rock, scissors" with real rocks and scissors. Your political life began while attending college in Baghdad, which you entered with the generous assistance of the NAAPP (National Association for the Advancement of Psychotic People). In 1959, you participated in an assassination attempt against Iraqi Prime Minister Abudul Karim Kassim. During the attempt, you were shot in the leg, and as a result, fled and ended up in Egypt. From then on, it was recommended by concerned friends and family that you carry your bullet in your shirt pocket. After Kassim's monarchy collapsed, you went back to Iraq and tried to kill the new guy, Abdel-Karim Qassem. That conspiracy didn't work out either, and you fled again to Egypt, who welcomed you back with a heartfelt, "You again?" All of your botched attempts to assassinate political leaders are immortalized in the classic Disney film, "The Apple Dumpling Gang Plots Again." You returned home in 1963, while the Ba'ath party was in power, but soon they were overthrown and you found yourself in prison, where you became the celebrated inventor of "falafel on a rope." Soon after, however, Ba'ath regained control and you were made secretary general of the party. By 1973, you were vice president of Iraq ­ only a heartbeat away from full-blown crazy. For most of the '70s, you concentrated on filling the Iraqi government with your own kin, a collection of unhinged spiral-eyed wackos for whom the list of "things to bring" to the family reunion included, "potato salad, root beer, chips, body bags." In 1979, you became president of Iraq. Usually, the term "president" isn't used in a totalitarian regime, since you were "president" of Iraq in the same way that a dog is "president" of a fire hydrant. This was closely followed by the Iran-Iraq War, an 8-year stalemate with no point and millions of casualties, sort of like a Middle Eastern version of a Grammy Awards show. In the late '80s, you gassed your own people, and guaranteed yourself a first-class seat on Air Despot. In 1990, you decided that previous battles hadn't killed enough of your soldiers, so you handed all of your troops gas cans and siphon hoses and sent them off to Kuwait. "Coalition Force I" was soon formed, and the Iraqis were, like the wandering "bra-clasp-come-hither" hand of Becky-Jo Nussbaum's date on prom night, slapped back into their own territory. Soon the world realized that something needed to be done about you, so the United Nations passed a motion calling for immediate international debate on a pact to agree to more talks concerning a resolution. You wouldn't comply to whatever it was that the U.N. decided, which they're still deciding, so others have decided for them. Now, here you are. You were found hiding in a tiny, empty, dark and dingy hole that must be sort of what the inside of Jennifer Simpson's head looks like. When you gave up and were taken into custody, you resembled Cat Stevens after a three-week rave party, and given a not-nearly-close-enough shave by an American soldier who was unlucky enough to have drawn the short straw.With your trial pending, the Iraqi people who you tortured, killed, and oppressed, are comping at the bit to treat you like a pinata on Cinco de Mayo, which may be a fitting Mussolini-esque ending to your years of tyranny. However it all ends, know that Beelzebub is right now at the Hades Department Store shopping for your place setting at the table of eternal torment. Saddam Hussein, this is your life!
This fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" "I lusted," the fellow replied. "Tell me about it," the pries it said. The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in." "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest. "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man. "Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son.""A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked. The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

AMEN!- A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."- A. Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife." - After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home." "I wanted to stay with you guys." - I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen." - And one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." - A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." - Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." - A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" - A father was at the beach with his children when the four- year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" - A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" AMEN!

Top Ten Demands Of The Striking Strippers 10. No more than three girls in a club named "Brandi" 9. Less leering, more ogling 8. As an "essental public service provider," automatic exemption from jury duty 7. "If we work a bachelor party, we should be invited to the wedding" 6. Professional courtesy at strip malls 5. Grievances handled by well-toned, semi-nude arbitrators 4. 20 percent discount for family 3. Garter insurance 2. Create a workplace free of sexual harassment 1. Heated poles Top Ten Good Things About Finding a Condom In Your Clam Chowder 10. Only slightly more rubbery and unappealing than clams 9. It's better than finding a clam in your condom 8. Provides 35% of the recommended daily allowance of latex 7. You can use it to take home any clam chowder you don't finish 6. Ever eat Cracker Jacks? Well, think of it as a prize 5. It made the Band-Aid salad look like a gourmet meal 4. Does the phrase "damages for emotional pain and suffering" ring a bell?" 3. Mmm Mmm Ribbed! 2. For Bill Clinton, it's one-stop shopping 1. It's a lot better than not finding it
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! They're ALL important and not in priority order. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a grown woman. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 2. Sunday = sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be, just accept it. 3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 4. Crying is blackmail. 5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 10. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 16. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 22. You have enough clothes. 23. You have too many shoes. 24. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

25 A.D., Jerusalem. These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Aramaic. An Egyptian waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Aramaic asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Aramaic?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Aramaic, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Aramaic?" The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him Ancient Greek."
Have you ever wondered where the phrase "You gotta be shittin' me" came from? Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of America. Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through the driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead!" They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in he forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired, wet, exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort." Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?" Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters." And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me!" The Limerick Form Is Complex
Its Contents Run Chiefly To Sex.
It Burgeons With Virgins
And Masculine Urgeons,
And Swarms With Erotic F/X.
"I just made love to the entire women's softball team," Michael exclaimed, asininely.
Remember ! "Life is all about ass...either you are covering it, kicking it, kissing it, or trying to get it."
The Masai tribe of Africa use cow manure as a cold cream for their complexions. Yes, the Masai get literally shit-faced.
The increased use of Viagra by senior citizens has created a demand for a sexual lubricant to address the special needs of that market. The makers of K-Y were quick to respond and have developed a new product that will be marketed as "OIL OF OLD LAY".
Why are impotent men always immature?. Because they are born, but never raised.Absent-minded is hardly the word for the pretty secretary who left her clothes at the office and took her boss to the cleaner. What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?. Both capture the moment. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?. He was half nuts!!! When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?. When he eats his first Brownie. To speed up the healing of a bruise, and reduce the blueness, soak a cotton ball in Heinz white vinegar and apply it to thebruised area for one hour. There once was a girl from AberystwythWho took corn to the mill to make grist with.The miller's son, JackLaid her flat on her backAnd united the organs they made piss with!

Gigolo: A fee male.

Insects: How people with unconventional beliefs congregate.

Bank: A large impressive institution where you keep the government’s money until April.

Flatulent: The apartment you allow friends to stay in during their vacation.

BACHELOR:
* A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
* A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
* A man who never makes the same mistake once.
* A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
* A person who believes in life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit.
* The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

CAD:
A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.

COMPROMISE:
An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT:
A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

HOUSEWORK:
What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

MISTRESS:
Something between a mister and a mattress.

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

MRS.:
A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

SPOUSE:
Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place

Ontario Supreme Court Custody Decision... A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. Custody was granted to the Sens (Ottawa Senators) this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.
OBITUARY Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required toget parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.. Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and ImaWhiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still know him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing.

What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

The Limerick Packs Laughs AnatomicalInto Space That Is Most Economical,But The Good Ones I've SeenSo Seldom Are Clean,And The Clean Ones So Seldom Are Comical.
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue but when you then add eggs and sugar you get cake? Where did the glue go? You know damn well it’s still there! It’'s what makes the cake stick to your ass!

For this next piece, you have to imagine that the Calgary Flames actually won the Stanley Cup:
OTTAWA - The federal government today announced it would award the STANLEY CUP to Quebec, even though Alberta's CALGARY FLAMES won the competition. The cup will go, instead to Quebec's MONTREAL CANADIENS, who were defeated in the early rounds of the Stanley Cup playoffs. Prime Minister Paul Martin said the hockey series was "only a guideline," and non-binding. He conceded that CALGARY might have been the best hockey team, "but we have to look at what's best for Canada." "We have to support Canada's hockey industry which is centered in Montreal" said the prime minister. "Montreal is in the best position to take full advantage of the Stanley Cup." He said the decision to overrule the playoff results was "difficult and painful," but that national interests had to prevail over petty "regional considerations."
Loss of the coveted trophy left most of Alberta seething with rage. "It's another example of Quebec getting the goodies and the West getting the shaft," said Ted Byfield. Indignant Quebec MP's who lobbied long and hard for the Stanley Cup vehemently denied that the decision had anything to do with politics. "It's not as if the West isn't getting its fair share of federal support, we've announced the Lloydminster upgrader eight or nine times. And let's not forget about all that rain for Western farmers this spring." Quebec industry minister dismissed Western complaints as "anti-French hysteria from Alberta dinosaurs." "Quebec absolutely deserves this," he said. "The MONTREAL CANADIENS have extensive experience as Stanley Cup champions, while the CALGARY FLAMES have little to none. Sure CALGARY won this the series with a couple of fluke goals and lucky saves, but the CANADIENS have proven themselves over the long haul." "If we're denied the Stanley Cup now, it could only rejuvenate Quebec separatism and threaten the integrity of all of Canada." The Quebec premier was delighted to see the cup go to MONTREAL. He said the trophy will be re-engraved with its new name - "La Coupe Stanley" to comply with Quebec sign laws.

What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window? Refueling.
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Two Turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot, but they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turns to the second and says, "you've gotta go back and get the opener or else we've got no beer." "NO way," says the second turtle." By the time I get back, you'll have eaten all the food." "I promise I won't," replies the first. "Just hurry." Nine Full days pass and still no sign of the second turtle. Finally, the other digs into the sandwiches. The second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not fucking going!"

There once was a lady from WorcesterWho dreamt that a man had seduced herShe awoke with a screamTo find all a dreamAnd a bump in the mattress had goosed her.

Little Johnny says "Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?" His mom says, "Why, a stork, little Johnny." Little Johnny says, "Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?" His mom says, "A raven, dear." Little Johnny then says, "Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?" His mom says, "A swallow!"

Remember - never go skinny-dipping with snapping turtles!

How do deaf people have phone sex? By fax. (yeah, well go fax yourself!)

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

I got a fruit basket from my psychiatrist…it was shrink-wrapped.

DID YOU KNOW - A headache and inflammatory pain can be reduced by eating 20 tart cherries…And you can take this hint anyway you want to!

HELPFUL HINT - Smart splinter remover... just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue all over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Some definitions regarding dating and relationships:
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Why did Al Gore get a belly ring? Because he heard George Bush had a Dick Cheney.
I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood for 55 years.

There Are No New Sins. Only Old Ones Getting More Publicity!

Women are just like orange juice cartons. It’s not the shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those fucking flaps to open!

USELESS PENIS FACTS: In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste. Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest. Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a
pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie. Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower. It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a morning erection.
So guys, tomorrow for breakfast try a Corona with lime and pumpkin pie!

ODE TO A FART
At times it is silent,
At times it is not
At times it sneaks out
And burns oh so hot!
When you'd like it to happen,
It just won't come out
It hides and it waits
Till you're out and about!
The evil ones reek
And embarrass us so
Then laugh as they trail us
Wherever we go!
I know it's a function
We can't live without,
But on a first date
Must they really come out??
Men light them on fire
It amuses them so
Women fight to be quiet
So that no one will know.
I can't figure why
After eating good food
The smell that results
Could kill many a dude!
So here's to the fart,
Our warm smelly friend
You begin in my tummy,
Then come out my rear-end.

An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped." Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?" The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane." Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!" This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!"

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... that's all. And furthermore, I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .
Kaplan’s number 49 had won the top prize in the lottery. "Say Kaplan," asked Goldstein, "how did you happen to pick number 49?" "I saw it in a dream. Six sevens appeared and danced before my eyes. Six times seven is 49, and that's all there was to it." "But six times seven is 42 not 49." "Hah? Kaplan says . . ." All right professer, I von da lottery...so you be the mathematician!"
The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract. -Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr
A King Who Never Could RhymeDeclared Limerick Writing A Crime,But Late In The NightAll The Scribes Would WritePoems Without Rhyme Or Meter.

I Have Written Some Limericks Quite Fateful,Malicious And Vicious And Hateful;But I've Torn Up The JokesThat Would Sicken Most FolksAnd Humanity Ought To Be Grateful. A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 40 years, I will give you each a wish." "I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and ... abracadabra! Suddenly the husband was 90 years old. Men might be bastards. But Fairies are female and women have to stick together!
One of AOL's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his
Dog, old Joe, trots along beside him. Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel. He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari. The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car." The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up." The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly. The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"
The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar, that's his asshole... he's not used to stopping that fast."
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?" God, grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Top 10 Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down by Dave Letterman 10. The cucumber has left the salad. 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 7. Paging Mr. Johnson …….. Paging Mr. Johnson. 6. Elvis has left the building. 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus. And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped .. 1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

President Bush said Monday he didn't know he was misleading Congress and the public on Iraq or citing false intelligence. For years everyone said he doesn't know anything and now that he admits he didn't know anything, no one believes him.
Leonardo da Vinci's last scrawls, Mirror fashion on lavatory walls, And discovered today, Near the Vatican say, ".sllab ym htiw ereh deyalp asiL anoM"

The Scottish comedian Billy Connolly says he gets very annoyed with MacDonald's staff when they pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... "It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .* I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.* I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!* This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.* Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.* Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.* That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?* I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.* You're my daddy! You're my daddy!* The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.* Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!* While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.* Bar food again!? Kick ass.* I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl- friend has class.* That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.* I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.* I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!* Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.* I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?* It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.* Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Chuck's bare ass!* My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.* I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.* Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!* You are so much smarter than my father.* If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.
Excuse me while I swing to the right for a moment:
How one senior citizen views the Bush Administration:
I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had vacation homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my home. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact, I lost everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next election. I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go. I just thought you would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Sincerely, Sadaam Hussein

A popular Des Moines barbershop had a new robotic barber installed. A fellow came in for a haircut. As the robot began to cut his hair it asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the robot asked him as it began the haircut, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." Later on, a third guy came in to the barbershop. As with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "70." The robot then said, "So, I understand you Democrats are really excited about John Kerry!"

Joe climbs up to the top of Mount Sinai to get close enough to talk to G-d. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "G-d, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Joe asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Joe asks quietly, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "Certainly, in a minute".

Beware Of The Limerick Bore.From A Seemingly Infinite Store,He Trots Out More VerseWhere The Scansion Gets Worse,But The Subject's The Same As Before.
Too true comments from 11 year olds:Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I've never been able to make out the numbers.I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.A hurricane is a breeze of bigly size. The wind is like the air, only pushier.
This next bit isn’t funny at all, but, this weekend being Father’s Day, I thought I would pass on some nice thoughts sent by a friend:
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.We went on our way and we said good-bye.
But at home a different story is told,How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down."Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger,common courtesy you use,but the family you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too,and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
FAMILY - Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think? So what is behind the story?
Do you know what the word FAMILY means?FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager. I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers & one weekly one. I watch both the local & network news every evening. And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
Cassius Clay was one of the first Americans to adopt a Muslim name and now it seems like everybody wants to get in on the deal. Well, everybody except me, but if I was forced to at gunpoint I think I'd have to settle for "Seldom Bin Laid"
Some years back, Philadelphia Phillies first baseman John Kruk suffered testicular cancer and had to have one of his testicles removed in the off-season. He did however manage to maintain his sense of humour which was aptly demonstrated when he showed up at spring training wearing a T-shirt that said "I'm taking my ball and going home".
Mae West Quotes
A hard man is good to find.Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.To err is human, but it feels divine.I feel like a million tonight – but one at a time.I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.I’m single because I was born that way.Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.It’s not the men in my life that count – it’s the life in my men.I’ve been in more naps than a napkin.One and one is two, and two and two is four, and five will get you ten if you know how to work it.So many men, so little time.Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I’m tired.There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.When choosing between two evils, I like to try the one I’ve never tried before.When I’m good, I’m very, very good. When I’m bad, I’m better.When women go wrong, men go right after them.

WC Fields Quotes
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.A plumber's idea of Cleopatra. (Mae West)A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.All women are crazy, it's only a question of degree.Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteeen.Don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon – and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.I cook with wine - sometimes I even add it to the food.I could juggle anything in my day: balls, cigar boxes, knives. But I could never juggle my income tax.I drink therefore I am.I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.I hear the tusks are looser in Alabama.I like children - fried.I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.I now touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.It's headed for the brambles and we are all in our bare feet.It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.I'll be down in the front row with a basket of last month's eggs.I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.My father...one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time. My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.Never give a sucker an even break.Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.The world is getting to be such a dangerous place… a man is lucky to get out of it alive.There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.Thou shalt not steal - only from other comedians.Water rusts pipes. (His reasoning for not drinking water)Who took the cork out of my lunch?Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. "I'm looking for a loop-hole," he explained.Man: "I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time." WC Fields: "A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy."Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." WC Fields: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."Charlie McCarthy: "Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?" WC Fields: "He'd think I was a sissy."Hangman: "Have you any last wish?" WC Fields: "Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die." (pause) "Philadelphia will do."

Here are a couple of worthy Oldie Goldies:
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame deGaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and they pulled into a nearby farm. They asked the attractive woman who answered the door if they could spend the night. She explained. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but since I'm recently widowed, I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and, if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light". The woman agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and they enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure out that it was from the attorney of the attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He went to see his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything." Now be honest, you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?

There once was an abbot of Brittany
Who chanted this desolate litany:
"If Christ is the Source
Of Divine Intercourse,
Then how come I don't ever gitany?"

The Limerick Is Furtive And Mean;You Must Keep Her In Close Quarantine,Or She Sneaks To The SlumsAnd Promptly BecomesDisorderly, Drunk, And Obscene.
On the eve of the Canadian federal election, here’s one for the conservatives in the crowd. The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion," casually, think about whether you want the politician spending your tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:A billion seconds ago it was 1959.A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Ottawa spends it.

A bear walks into a bar and growls, "I’ll have a Bud . . . . . . . . . Light."The bartender says, "Hey, pal, why the long pause?"

A gangster gave his wife a mink stole for her birthday. "Is it really mink?" she asked. "I'm not sure," replied the gangster, "but it's definitely stole."

A couple of flies were having a game of football in a saucer. "I hope our game improves soon," said one. "Why?" asked the other. "Because next week we're playing in the cup!"

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of da feet.

Is the nose the scenter of the face?A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine comes from. ... Finally, it dawned on him.

California smog test: Can UCLA?Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

As a plane piloted by Newfies approached Vancouver number 1 runway, the tower heard:PILOT: Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT: Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy.PILOT: Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!CO-PILOT: Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy!PILOT: Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' ya put de flaps down!CO-PILOT: Royt, I'll do dat!PILOT: An den ya put de engine in reverse!CO-PILOT: Royt, I'll do dat, too!PILOT: An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!CO-PILOT: I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.So, Shamus puts the flaps down and put the engines in reverse, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few meters from the end of the runway! As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!" Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"

Conscience is that still small voice that tells you the Internal Revenue Service may check your return.
If you gave each human on earth an equal portion of dry land, (including the uninhabitable areas) everyone would get roughly 100 square feet apiece.

CONFUCIUS SAYS - Man who fishes in other's holes, get crabs.
CONFUCIUS SAYS - It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

A Texan took a job out of state. The company required him to have a physical before starting work. The Texan was in the waiting room when a beautiful woman called him in. The woman asked him to remove his clothes and put on a gown. The Texan complied, when he took off his shirt the woman exclaimed, "My, you sure have big shoulders" The Texan replied, "Ma'am, I'm from Texas, everything in Texas is big" When the Texan removed his pants, the woman exclaimed, "My you sure have big legs" The Texan replied, "Ma'am, I'm from Texas, everything in Texas is big" When the Texan removed his underwear, the woman was shocked at the ample size of his manhood, and decided she’d like a go. She quickly disrobed and beckoned the big fella over as she spread her legs. As he was putting it in he asked, “Ma'am, what part of Texas did you say you were from?

One girl asked her friend, “What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement? Her friend replied, "Well, although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."
Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said "I died of cancer." The second man said, "I died of Tuberculosis". The third man said "I died of seenus". The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus." The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"
Said A Pregnant Young Lady Named Sally,
''I've Learned That It's Consummate Folly
To Walk Home From A Dance
Without Any Pants,
When The Way Home Leads Over The Pali.
Why did the chicken cross the road?GEORGE W BUSH - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.COLIN POWELL - Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.HANS BLIX - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.JOHN KERRY - Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!RALPH NADER - The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.PAT BUCHANAN - To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.RUSH LIMBAUGH - I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-roadsyndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.MARTHA STEWART - No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.DR SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die in the rain. Alone.MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.GRANDPA - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.BARBARA WALTERS - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.JOHN LENNON - Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together – in peace.ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.KARL MARX - It was an historic inevitability.RONALD REAGAN - What chicken?CAPTAIN KIRK - To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.SIGMUND FREUD - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.BILL GATES - I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?BILL CLINTON - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?AL GORE - I invented the chicken!THE BIBLE - And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken, “THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD.” And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.COLONEL SANDERS - Did I miss one? Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release next year...91/2 LeeksTrefforest GumpCwmandoThe Lost BoyosAn American Werewolf in PowysHuw Dares GwynethDai HardThe Wizard of OswestryCool Hand Look-youSheepless in SeattleThe Eagle has LlandudnoThe Magnificent SevenHaverfordwest Was WonAustin PowysThe Magic RhonddaboutIndependence DaiThe Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time ForgotSeven Brides from Seven SistersWelsh ConnectionWelsh Connection IIThe Bridge on the River WyeLawrence of LlandybieA Beautiful Mind-youThe Welsh PatientThe King and MairThe Sheepshag Redemption Breakfast at TaffynysLook You Back in BangorEvans Can WaitA Fishguard Called RhonddaWhere Eagles AberdareDial M for MerthyrPlease contact the Welsh Assembly for actual dates of release and literal translations where needed.
There once was a man from Eau Claire
Who diddled his wife in a chair
On the thirty-first stroke
The furniture broke
And his gun went off in the air.
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four"replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons." "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

What was the first obscenity ever heard on TV? "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

Autoeroticism: Getting off on one's reflection in the paint of a racecar.

Scientists have confirmed that during the female orgasm, endorphins are released, which are powerful painkillers. So guys, do you realize the significance of this discovery - headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex – sex is actually the cure!

WELCOME TO HELL! "Hello, nice to see you all again! As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now
this is hell, and I am the Devil's right hand person. Good evening. You can call me Toby or 665, if you like. We try to
keep things informal down here, as well as infernal. Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a
hell of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups.
Are there any questions? No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. If you'd read your bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea. Right, let's split you up then. Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK? Off we go... Murderers, over here, looters and pillagers over there please, thieves if you could join them, and all lawyers, and politicians. Fornicators, if you could step forward. My God there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there. AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this; apparently God had some problems with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons and Baptists who He realizes put in a lot of wasted work.
The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for the last 9 months. Sodomites, over there against the wall. Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling like a right bunch of know-it-all's. All Christians will be separated from all Born Again Christians to avoid long boring arguments about who's more Christian …ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews had it right after all. Moonies, maniacs, marite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back … with the Methodists that is. Now, you're the bunch who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must remember - we've got some strips of flesh to tear off you later. Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't take a joke after all. All right now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of exchange scheme with the God, or Bob as we know him. Some of you will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that they will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite, tear off their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing. MTV, rap and heavy metal music will be played for eternity, and salt and brimstone is free. Well, I have to go now, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes, chains, and electrodes." And remember our motto, "Until Hell Freezes Over."

Helpful Hint - Eliminate puffiness under your eyes..... All you need is a dab of preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes. The hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the swelling instantly. (Just be careful not to get any on your boobs or dick!)

This item is not new, but a message well worth repetition:
I read of a man who stood to speak At the funeral of a friend He referred to the dates on her tombstone From the beginning...to the end. He noted that first came her date of birth And spoke the following date with tears, But he said what mattered most of all Was the dash between those years (1934 - 1998) For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth... And now only those who loved her Know what that little line is worth. For it matters not, how much we own; The cars...the house...the cash, What matters is how we live and love And how we spend our dash. So think about this long and hard... Are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left, That can still be rearranged. If we could just slow down enough To consider what's true and real, And always try to understand The way other people feel. And be less quick to anger, And show appreciation more And love the people in our lives Like we've never loved before. If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile.. Remembering that this special dash Might only last a little while. So, when your eulogy's being read
With your life's actions to rehash... Would you be proud of the things they say About how you spent your dash? Let me just say that I am glad that you're in my life and part of my dash!

Firstly, some left-over “4th” humour:
It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas
were evenly done. It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it. Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy's yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed, "Hey buddy, not only is your organ grinder not making any music, but your monkey's on fire!"

FOURTH OF JULY CHICKEN
6-7 LB chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt and pepper chicken to taste. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan in oven. Listen for popping sounds; when chicken's ass blows out the oven door and flies across the room, chicken is done.
Mrs. Goldman, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy Jewish man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-third is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, one eighth to his secretary; and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Morris for his answer. Morris answered: "A good lawyer!"
Four jack rabbits are strolling in a meadow when, out of nowhere, a gang of coyotes begins to chase them. So the rabbits run into a thicket for refuge. When the hungry coyotes surround the thicket, one jack rabbit says to another, "Okay, should we make a run for it, or wait till we outnumber them?" (I guess they’re fucked either way)
Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Minnetonka, Minnesota. The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said, "Ole...What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked." "Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls." "Is that right?", his policeman friend asked. "Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!' So vee all go into the bedroom.... where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' "Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!' " Oh, my!", exclaimed the policeman. "Yah, Yah. I guess I'm the first one here".
Visiting Toronto from Vancouver, the ad exec's client said that what he really enjoyed was swinging nightclubs. So the exec took him to an illuminated golf course...
When little Johnny walked into the house, his mother asked him how his math test went. "Fine," he said. "I nearly got a hundred." "That's great! What did you get - a 99?" "No. Two zeroes."
After a grueling operation, the doctor said, "That was a close one! An inch either way and it would have been out of my specialty."

Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women. They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble.
What kind of paneling is on the walls of the brothel? Naughty Pine.
Did you hear about the cook who got his hand caught in the dishwasher. They were both fired.

Then there was the Polish lady whose husband didn’t like to perform oral sex because she smelled so bad. He sent her to buy some feminine deodorant spray and she returned all excited. "You should see all the flavours they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana. kiwi, mango…" He asked, "What did you get?" She said, "Tuna."

A hillbilly gent name of Cato
Wanted sex with his girl on a Date-o.
She said, "Yer dick's real purdy,
But yer balls are too dirty,
They look like a fresh dug potato!"

The woman handed a private investigator $500. My husband is having an affair with a 22-year-old redhead" she said " I want you to follow them everywhere, watch them 24 hours a day. And then" she continued, "I want you to come and tell me what the hell she sees in the bastard".

Do ‘born again’s have two bellybuttons?

Trying to borrow money from the World Bank, the Russian finance minister was asked what he could put up for collateral. "Well," he said, "we have countless deposits of oil and minerals such as gold and silver." "Those are all underground," the bank agent replied. "What do you have above ground?" Inflating his chest, the minister said, "We have superb Russian leaders." Unimpressed, the bank representative said, "You can have your loan, Mr. Minister, when the two trade places."
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a fucking machine,
Concave and convex,
It fucked either sex
And jerked off itself in between.
Phyllis Diller Quotes:
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: eat out.Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimateI should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.If it weren't for my Adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing.I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type and your walker has an airbag.

George Carlin Quotes:
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.Electricity is really just organized lightning.Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?Is there another word for synonym?Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.Meow means "woof" in cat.My back hurts. I think I over-schlepped.No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.Think off-center.Weather forecast for tonight: dark.Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?What if there were no hypothetical questions?What was the best thing before sliced bread?When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
HELPFUL HINT - Cover a blemish with a dab of honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight. A man owned a farm in the mid-west and the Labour Relations Board suspected he was not paying proper wages to his help so they sent an agent to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and buy him chewing tobacco," said the farmer. "That's the guy I want to speak with, the half-wit," said the agent. The farmer said, "You’re talkin’ to him."

For a good thyme, call Herb.
At a Health Clinic in Calgary, a lonely older woman found one reason or another to visit daily. She had few friends and liked to chat with the Doctors and Nurses. They in turn treated all of her medical complaints with seeming concern and compassion. Showing up one afternoon, after being absent for over a week, a Nurse asked her why she hadn't been there in so long. The lady responded, "I've been sick all week."

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 famous passengers on board but only 4 parachutes left. The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die ... So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president."She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And, above all I'm the very cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a Lubavitcher Rebbe, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The Rebbe says, "Don't be silly. There's still a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President just jumped out with my tallis zeckel."
Mr. Popowitz is called as a witness in a trial. "How old are you?" asks the D.A. "I am, kaynahoreh, ninety-one." "Excuse me? What did you say?" "I said, I am, kaynahoreh, ninety-one years old." "Sir, please just answer the question with no embellishments. I ask you again, How old are you!?" "I told you. Kaynahoreh, I'm ninety-one." The D.A. is very angry. The judge is also losing his patience. He instructs: "The witness will answer the question simply and plainly or be held in contempt of court!" The defense lawyer, Mr. Cohen, rises and approaches the bench. "Your Honor, I think I can resolve this. May I ask?" "If you can get this trial moving, please, be my guest." "Mr. Popowitz, let me ask --kaynahoreh, how old are you?" Popowitz replies: "Ninety-one."
Sol, Morris and Irv were chatting at a restaurant. They sat down at a table while waiting to be served. Sol said; "Nu Morris! Isn't this your 50th anniversary?" Morris replies: "Yep!" Well, Sol asked, "What are you planning on doing?" Morris replies: "Well, I remember taking my wife to Phoenix, Arizona on our 25th anniversary." Irv asked, "Gudt, so what are your plans for your 50th anniversary?" Morris replies, "I'm thinking of going back to pick her up.”
"These blackflies sure are bad," an American tourist said to Doug, the Canadian park ranger in Algonquin Park."Wait 'til the mosquitoes come," Doug said. "Y'all get mosquitoes?" the tourist asked. "Plenty," said Doug. "How long do they last?" he wondered. "Until the snow flies," Doug told him. "Oh," the tourist replied. "Y'all get snowflies?"

What happens when you play a country song backwards? You reconcile with your wife, your runaway dog returns home, and your overturned pick-up rolls back on its wheels.

Then there was the gay quarterback who was used only in emergencies. There was no one better when it came to engineering a come-from-behind victory. Of course his tight end finished the game as a wide receiver.
The latest volume of Golf Digest has identified the all-time worst fore-some in golf? They are Monica Lewinski, O. J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton. That’s because Monica is a hooker, O. J. is a slicer, Ted can’t drive over water, and Bill can’t remember which hole he played last. A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend, going at it when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home!" "But it's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he discovers he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the 300 others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope........ just when it's raining."
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

How does a blonde prepare for safe sex? She puts on rubber based lipstick.

When a woman gets a man aroused and then leaves him high and dry she is called a Cock Teaser. Now there is an equivalent name for when a man does the same thing to a female – he’s referred to as a Moisturizer.
What do Seigfried and Montecor the tiger have in common? They both know what Roy tastes like!

I have a friend who complains about being a premature ejaculator, although he did admit that even that problem sometimes has its advantages. He told me he made10 phone-sex calls last month and his total bill was under five dollars!

A washed up old harlot named Tupps,
Was heard to confess, in her cups:
"The height of my folly
Was screwing a collie,
But I got a good price for the pups!"

Standing before the judge during an alimony hearing, Shawn said, "As God is my judge, I do not owe that mad woman any money!" The judge calmly replied, "He isn't. I am. You do."

Parents' attitudes change as they have more children. When the firstborn cough or sneeze, they rush them to the emergency room. When the latest swallows a dime... they deduct it from his allowance.

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

They say we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

You can't buy love . . . but you can pay heavily for it.

True friends stab you in the front.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband ! Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stock, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company. I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. It's a tough market out there. Be careful!
I wonder how some of the passionate devotees of eating only natural foods will feel when they learn that most people die of natural causes.

My idea of multi-tasking is reading in the bathroom.
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. What's the matter?" he asks. I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. What the hell is anal glaucoma? "I just can't see my ass coming into work today."
Newfie Mick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he KNEW he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job. About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant." "How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of *Superintendent*." "I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."
Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What did you tell her, that you are only 50?" "No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."

Some Conan quotes:"It's been reported that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are planning to get married this summer. You can tell they're engaged because Demi was spotted wearing Ashton's secret decoder ring." "Yesterday, Martha Stewart went to the Yankee's home opener and she sat in the very front row. They look like amazing seats and I hear they'll be available for the second half of the season." "This week, for the first time ever, a copy of Dr. Seuss' book 'The Cat in the Hat' came out in Yiddish. They're also coming out with another Yiddish Dr. Seuss book called, 'Green Eggs, Hold the Ham'." "Today is St. Patrick's Day. So if you're watching this and you're Irish, you obviously have a TV in the bathroom." "This week, the model who was the model on the Gerber baby food jar turned 77 years old. Not only that, he's back to eating Gerber baby food." "It was reported today that a carnivorous South American Piranha was found in the Thames River in England. Experts say the piranha is the first creature found in England with all its own teeth." "A new erectile dysfunction drug that claims that it will allow men to last 7 times longer than Viagra. In a related story, Elizabeth Dole has gone into hiding." "It's been reported that the head of Kentucky Fried Chicken has repeatedly refused to meet with Pamela Anderson to discuss the inhumane treatment of KFC's chickens. When asked why he wouldn't meet with Pamela Anderson, the head of KFC said, 'I'm gay.'" "This week, Luciano Pavaratti announced that he will marry his girlfriend next month. Pavaratti says he doesn't want a big wedding, but he does want a big cake." "According to the New York times, scientists have developed a method of burning off body fat by aiming soundwaves at a person's stomach. Apparently the soundwaves consist of the scientist yelling 'Stop eating, fatty.'" "The government revealed this week that they were able to track down al Qaeda leader Khalidh Shaikh Mohammed by tracking e-mails. When he heard this, Mohammed said, 'I knew I shouldn't have sent away for that penis-enlargement kit.'" "Good new for everyone celebrating Mardi Gras in New Orleans...Today is Fat Tuesday. Or as Anna Nicole Smith calls it, 'Tuesday.'" "In a conference yesterday, several democratic presidential candidates said they would appoint a gay man to the Supreme Court. Unfortunately gay men say they won't join the court because the robes would make them look fat." "This week Madonna signed a deal to become the new face of The Gap. As a result, their khakis will now come in 'pleated,' 'flat front,' and 'crotchless.'" "A new study shows that going on the Atkins Diet can turn you into a crabby person with serious mood swings. On the other hand, the study says that ALWAYS happens when you take doughnuts away from a fat person."

Did you know - in card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the buck" to
the next player.
A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy. "Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent. "But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of
Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent. "By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Boston." "Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?" The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the middle."

Since September 11, 2001, Americans and Canadians have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow, SARS, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet. Hundreds of Professional Hockey players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NHL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help! Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a hockey player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a hockey player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING? Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering. HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING? Your NHL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses. YES, I WANT TO HELP! I would like to sponsor a locked out NHL player. My preference is (check below): [ ] Forward [ ] Defenseman [ ] Goaltender [ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $10 per minute) [ ] Jaromir Jagr (Higher cost: $32,000 per day) Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Jaromir Jagr 2001 Income Statement and my very own Bob Goodenow (Executive Director of the NHLPA player's Union) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat). Your Name: _______________________ Telephone Number: _______________________ Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______ [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other Signature: _______________________ Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit): Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______ [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other Signature: _______________________

A worthy oldie goldie:
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into thesoup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too.But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had notrung at all!! Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a- ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation and the judges awarded him - The No Bell Piece Prize and the Pulletsurprise !
Esther, who is a volunteer for Meals on Wheels delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins. She used to take her four-year-old daughter, Deborah, on her late morning rounds. The child was always intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day Esther found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass and braced herself for the inevitable barrage of questions. Deborah merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"This lovely letter was written by an 83 year old.Dear Bertha, I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it forclerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank. "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary; if it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll never know. It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would addlaughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God. People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there." I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
Jewish Matchmaking 101:
A shadchen goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son." The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." The shadchen responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter." "Ah, in that case..." Next, the shadchen approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..." Finally, the shadchen goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case…!" A Rabbi gets on a train and at the next stop a group of Priests get on. After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "why does everybody think that Jews are smarter than gentiles?" The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn't want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists and says that he wants to test the theory and make a bet. The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi $1,000- if the Rabbi asks him a question that he can't answer, and that the Rabbi should pay him $1,000- if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can't answer. The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has $50- on him to prepare for Shabbat. The Priest says fine then we'll make it my $1,000 against your $50. The Rabbi sees that he can't get out of this so he agrees but on one condition; that he goes first. The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following question: What kind of animal has the body of a Lion, the face of a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on its front legs and 5 webbed toes on its rear legs, swims under water and flies in the air? The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn't know then asks if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands over to the Rabbi $1,000. He then asks the Rabbi what kind of animal was it? The Rabbi says "how should I know"? and gives him $50.00.
While taking a long drink at a pond, an elephant happened to glance up and spotted a snapping turtle lazing on a nearby stone. Its eyes narrowing, the elephant lumbered over, raised a foot, and pressed the turtle flat. Observing the murder from the jungle, a zebra wandered over. "Why the heck did you do that?" "This was the same animal that bit off the tip of my trunk over ten years ago." The zebra's eyes widened. "The same one? You must have an incredible memory!"Raising its head proudly, the elephant said, "Nothing to it - I have turtle recall."
A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's "papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers." "Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what eva you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married." Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa. Tony said "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, butPapa, what is it I do with this middle finger?" Papa drew close to Tony and said "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you stupida woman!' "

Somewhat along the lines of Alan Sherman’s ‘Hello Muddah, Hello Foddah….
A letter from Summer Camp : How a homesick little kid got Mom & Dad to pick him up from scout camp in a big hurry......! "Dear Mum, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Chad in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Don got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Don gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Don said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Don is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Don wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Don isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a Tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Don said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline.
Love Timothy

A treasured oldie goldie:
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof ) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too." That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey? "Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

One blonde asks another: "Which is closer, Vancouver... or the Moon?" The other replies: " HELLOOOOO, can you see Vancouver?"
If a man knows a woman like a book he usually prefers to read in bed.
Any man who says he sees right through a woman is missing one hell of a lot!
If you want your husband to remember your wedding anniversary, get married on his birthday!
You could be a redneck if you think that:
1)A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
2)Asphalt describes rectal problems.
3) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
4) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
5) The clitoris is a type of flower.
6) A G-string is part of a fiddle.
7) Semen is a term for sailors.
8) Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
9) Testicles are found on an Octopus.
10) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
11) KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
12) Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
13) Coitus is a musical instrument.
14) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
15) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
16) A condom is a large apartment complex.
17) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
18) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
19) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
20) An erection is when Japanese people vote.
21) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
22) Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
23) Pornography is the business of making records.
24) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
25) Douche is the French word for "twelve."

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
More Conan quotes:"Over the weekend in California, Jennifer Lopez got married. So for those of you watching at home, this is not a rerun." "Justin Timberlake announced that contrary to reports he will not be able to appear in the movie version of 'Rent.' Meanwhile, the other former members of N'Sync announced that contrary to reports they will not be able to pay their rent." "Yesterday, Dallas Cowboy Head Coach Bill Parcells apologized for making an insensitive remark about Japanese people. In his apology, Parcells said, 'I'll stop making insensitive racial slurs and start focusing on beating the Redskins.'" "It was reported this week that '60 Minutes' creator Don Hewitt is retiring at the age of 81. Apparently Hewitt has done what everyone thought was impossible: he became too old to work for '60 Minutes.'" "Barry Manilow has decided to do a nationwide tour this fall that he's calling the 'One Last Time' tour. Or as it's more popularly known as, the 'It Better Be the Last Time' tour." "It was recently revealed that French undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau shot some of his ocean footage in a bathtub. This is particularly shocking because, who knew there was a bathtub in France." "Here in New York, a group of parents are angry because a schoolteacher washed a boy's mouth out with soap for shouting obscenities. The teacher was put on administrative leave, and the boy was given his own morning radio show." "In New York, dozens of students who took their SATs are upset because the tests are missing and they may have to retake them. A spokesperson for the SATs said whoever stole the tests is probably on a train heading west at 60 miles an hour." "This week in London, a baby was born from sperm that had been frozen for 21 years. The baby's eyes are blue, and so is the rest of him."
"Two San Francisco cops are in trouble after they were identified in a hard-core pornography movie. One of the cops was given a desk job, which is not what he was getting in the movie." "Yesterday, New York's Governor Pataki proposed a new commission that would oversee all gambling in New York, including lotteries, horse racing and casinos. Not surprisingly, the new gambling commission will be called, 'The Mafia.'" "In Arkansas this week, a woman gave birth to her 15th child. The mother gave birth at home, next to her pellet feeder and exercise wheel." "Private Lynndie England's lawyers announced today that she will face a hearing for her behavior in Abu Ghraib prison on June 21. Until then, England's lawyers say they are keeping her on a short leash." "Yesterday in Massachusetts, more than 1,000 gay couples applied for marriage licenses after the state ruled they were legal. Witnesses say at one point there were so many gays in the courthouse a Cher concert broke out." "This week, the government of China announced that they have cancelled plans to put a man on the moon. A spokesperson for China said, 'Sorry but, we only deliver within a 100,000 mile radius.'" "Demi Moore is reportedly upset because some sex photos of her and Ashton Kutcher have been stolen and may end up on the Internet. When asked about it, Demi said she's worried that the pictures might be seen by kids Ashton's age." "Over the weekend, British Prime Minister Tony Blair apologized for the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners. Apparently, some of the prisoners were accidentally given British food." "This week, Playboy announced that their 'Women of Wal-Mart' pictorial was such a big seller they've decided to do another pictorial called 'The Women of Home Depot.' Playboy also reminded the Home Depot employees that silicone is in aisle 7." "An Aspen grocery store is suing actor Don Johnson for not paying for more than $5,000 dollars worth of groceries. At least that's the story given by the grocery store's cashier, Phillip Michael Thomas." "Yesterday, Pamela Anderson, who grew up in Canada, became an American citizen. As a result, the Canadian with the largest breasts is now William Shatner." "Gay marriages became legal in Massachusetts next week and as a result several new wedding planning companies and florist shops have opened. Unfortunately gays in Massachusetts don't have time to get married now because they're too busy working at the wedding planning companies and florist shops." "Earlier this week, Bill Gates agreed to pay an $800,000 fine for violating the rules of a stock purchase. On the bright side, in the time it took the judge to say the words 'eight hundred thousand dollars,' Gates made 4 million dollars." "Yesterday, the 'Cracker Barrel' restaurant chain settles a discrimination suit against African-Americans. Afterwards, a spokesperson for the restaurant said, 'From now on we'll try to be more Barrel, less Cracker.'" "The Disney Company is blocking the distribution of Michael Moore's new documentary because it criticizes President Bush. When asked if the block has anything to do with the tax breaks Disney wants from Florida Governor Jed Bush, a spokesman said, 'It's A Small World After All.'" "The other night at a party, Britney Spears was overheard having sex in a bathroom with one of her dancers. Apparently, it was embarrassing because everybody could overhear Britney lip syncing, 'Oh, God, Oh, God.'" "This week, Donald Rumsfeld said he didn't read the report on Iraqi prisoners because it was too long and it contained too much information. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Hey, that's my line.'" "This week, Yankee Catcher Jorge Posada said he toughens up his hands by soaking them in urine. In other words, Posada takes the subway to work." "Because of a computer glitch, more than 8,000 Visa customers were billed three times the amount of their purchase at Wal-Mart stores around the nation. The error came to light when a Wal-Mart customer saw he was charged 15 dollars for a 5-dollar suit." "It's been reported that Greece may not be able to finish building all the event's sites needed for the summer Olympics. As a result, this year's triathlon combines running, swimming, and pouring concrete." Another oldie goldie:
The Ten Commandments of Marriage
1. Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so are thunder and lightning.
2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
3. Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!
4. Married life can be very frustrating: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second
year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
5. When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure that either the car or the wife is new.
6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something his wife said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.
8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. Unfortunately, the law allows only one wife.
9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry; that is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
The Retiree’s Lament
I worked forty-five years for someone elseSo that I could retire;I dreamed of sleeping late,And sitting by the fire.I dreamed of long vacations -Enjoying stage and song;But, let me set you straight on that concept -It is simply wrong.I junked my safety glassesAnd the work boots that cramped my toes;But the rest of it had a mind of its own -And this is how it goes.My wife had been thinking of retirementAnd had plans of her own;She had spent much time with the kids,But now they are grown and gone.We sold our cattle and horsesSo we wouldn't have that chore.I poured concrete over my alarm clock -But still wake up at four.I get my eyes checked on Monday,Ann gets hers checked the next day;I go for a colon check on Wednesday -And pass my wife going the other way.I have a dental appointment on Thursday,Ann goes for a test on her heart;Friday we go get prescriptions filled,And browse a while at Walmart.Saturdays we just stay homeAnd try to get the paperwork right;We can't take any overnight trips'Cause we can't see to drive at night.Restroom confusion keeps us out of Church,And we really do hate that;There's nothing wrong with the restrooms -We just can't remember where they're at.We don't need to plan next week,Just make sure that we can drive;And not forget where the hospitals and clinics are -We'll need them to survive.So, don't build your castles too high, my friend,While strolling through the clover;This is a typical week in retirement -And on Monday we start all over!

Make a Jewish Mama happy ... talk with your mouth full.

The United Nations voted overwhelmingly in favor of forcing Israel to dismantle what the delegates call its "racist, destructive, and unnecessary security fence." Of course before those delegates begin voting they had to pass through seven security barriers, three metal detectors, and an X-Ray Machine. - Jake Novak

A young Rabbi was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small rural cemetery for a Jewish person with no family or friends The Rabbi started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The diligent young Rabbi went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his prayer book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he gave an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond with great praise. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

President Bush fell off his bicycle while exercising at his ranch in Texas the other day. Officials say no essential parts of his body were injured, which means he must have only hit his head. - Jake Novak

"The Department of Health and Human Services officially recognized obesity as a medical illness. Doctors say symptoms include ‘shortness of breath’ and 'wideness of ass’." - Conan O'Brien

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said: "Good to the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

The teacher asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase 'pistol too'. Little Jimmy raised his hand, and after being recognized, said, "The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful Indian companion and his pistol too". "Very good," says the teacher. Little Johnnie raised his hand, and after being called on said, "Down at our house we make homebrew, drink till twelve and piss till two".

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent marker pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it is gone.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Tip for Micra Drivers - attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the damn things like bumper cars anyway, so they may as well look the part.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

A toothsome young starlet named Smart
Was asked to display oral art
As the price for a role.
She complied, met his goal
And then sank her teeth in the part.

Robin Williams quotesCarpe Diem! Seize the day! Carpe per diem - seize the check. If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.If it's the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number?
I’m looking for Miss Right, or at least Miss Right Now. Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.Pretty soon the only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.When the media ask George Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.

A birth control pill - the other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from becoming pregnant.
If tennis players get tennis elbow, what do gynecologists get? Tunnel vision!
Artificial insemination is procreation without recreation.

A demagogue is a politician who can rock the boat and persuade everyone else that they’re in a terrible storm.

What do you do if an Elephant breaks his big toe? Call the big toe truck.

You know you have a bad landlord when you tell him you have cockroaches and he raises your rent for keeping pets.

CONFUCIUS SAYS:
- Men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more.
- Sex on beach like American beer, fucking near water.

There was a young fellow of Crew
Whose tool was so straight and too true
That the Navy when fighting
Could use it for sighting
And at full range could sink a canoe.

Did you hear about the man who had peculiar sexual proclivities? He was into "golden showers," so his lover paid final tribute by peeing into his coffin. … May he rest in piss.

Two Texans were wandering the streets of Calcutta when an old woman hurriedly walked by. "Hey, Billy Joe!" one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa!" "Your nuts," said the other. "It doesn’t even look like her." They followed her for a few minutes and when she stopped in the open market they decided to approach the woman. One asked, "Excuse me ma'am, but are you Mother Teresa?" The old lady flashed them an ugly glare saying: "Fuck off, you goddamn morons!" before storming away in a huff. "Well, that's that," the first one said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "I guess we'll never know."

Mick appeared on the Newfie version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme had already won $500,000. You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, but for $1million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question..... .will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush?" "I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Come-Bye-Chance". Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick. "I'm fookin sure." said Paddy. Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." Is that your final answer?" asked the host. "Dat it is, Sir." said Mick. There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million dollars!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds. "For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo lives in a clock!"

"Good morning, doctor," the man said. "I’m here because my wife insists that I need professional help." "Why does she feel that way?" the doctor asked. "Because I prefer bow ties to long ties." "I don't understand," the doctor said. "Why would she see that as a problem? Many people prefer bow ties to long ties. In fact, I have the same preference myself." "Really?" the patient smiled. "How do you like yours - boiled, or sautéed with a little garlic?"
If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.If Cat Stevens married Snoop Dogg, he'd be Cat Dogg.If Coco Chanel married Iggy Pop, she'd be Coco Pop.If country singer Kitty Wells married cartoon shrink Dr. Katz, she'd be Kitty Katz.If Demi Moore married director Jonathan Demme, she'd be Demi Demme.If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even farther back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.If Jack Handy of SNL married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.If Juan Valdez married Nguyen Van Thieu and Penelope Tree, he'd be Juan Thieu Tree.If Julie London married Beau Bridges, then married SNL’s Jimmy Fallon, followed by Lesley-Anne Down, she'd be Julie London Bridges Fallon Down.If opera star Kiri Te Kanawa married Jimmy Durante, Martin Mull, Ken Berry, and George Bush, she'd be Kiri Durante Mull Berry Bush.If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

A young rural preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The preacher got lost on the way to the country cemetery. When he arrived a half-hour late he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight and the workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave, to find the vault lid in place. But still he preached an impassioned and lengthy service. Returning to his car, he felt he had done his duty in spite of his tardiness. Then he overheard one of the workers: "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like that."
Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with men. The problem lies in the two halves of their brains - the left and the right. The left half has nothing right in it. And the right half has nothing left in it!
Women have many faults.Men only have 2Everything they say,And everything they do.

Aspiring Maritime psychologists were attending their first class on emotional extremes at Dalhousie University, New Brunswick. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Halifax, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Charlottetown. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Gander, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Newfie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."

While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with multiple, dark bruises. "Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?" "Neither," said the man. "My wife and I play bridge."

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called John Kerry's office for assistance. And since Mr. Kerry’s secretary was away from her desk he decided to answer the phone himself. "Good morning. This is Senator Kerry. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass a lying dead in me front lawn and I thought ye might like to be knowing of it. Since ye are running for election for president of this great country I had the idea that it would be a good idea for ye to show how civic minded ye are. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Senator Kerry, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

In the year 2004, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Canada, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard .... but no ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then Transport Canada and the Departments of Highways and Hydro demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then Environment Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience. To make matters worse, the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No", said the Lord. ........"The Government beat me to it"
The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE BUTTER! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!" The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving with you sitting next to me." If you watched the other night, they showed a little montage of John Kerry's life and in the film they showed a picture of him as a young man when he was in a rock band. He said it was a great way to meet girls. Today, President Clinton called him and said, 'Hey, if you think that's a great way to meet girls, wait'll you become president!' - Jay Leno Wal-Mart is producing its own brand of wines. So you have to ask yourself, "Does green go with fish?" Their slogan is "We put the 'sewer" in connosewer. "Have you seen their ads? "Rent on trailer, $15. Cough syrup to put kids to sleep, $3. Wal-Mart Wine, $2. An evening of trailer park romance, PRICELESS - Jay Leno The Miss America pageant is considering adding an academic competition, where contestants have to answer multiple choice questions about history. Which means it may actually be harder to become Miss America than it is to become the president of the United States. - Conan O'Brien We delivered our child by natural childbirth, the procedure invented by a man named Lamaze, the Marquis de Lamaze I believe, a disciple of Dr. Josef Mengele, who concluded that women could counteract the incredible pain of childbirth by breathing. That's like asking a man to tolerate a vasectomy by hyperventilating. - Dennis Wolfberg A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads, "Today's special." Below it says: "So's tomorrow." Confucius say - "Man who cooks carrots and peas in same pot, very unsanitary." Two friends were beginning a game of golf. The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball and got a hole in one. The other man said, "Now I'll take MY practice swing, and then we can start the game." My wife told me she wanted me to take her some place expensive the other night, so I took her to the gas station! Gas prices are so high that when I pulled into a station and asked for a dollar's worth, the attendant dabbed some behind my ears. Having lunch in the clubhouse this last weekend, I couldn't help but overhear one woman golfer telling another, that she had been stung by a bee between the first and second hole. Her friend sympathized that she'd have a bitch of a time getting a band-aid to stick down there! "According to the Wall Street Journal, the trend in bars today are drinks with bits of food in them, like cocktails with bleu cheese, cucumbers, a piece of ham. Alcohol with food in it. Didn't that used to be called vomit?" -Jay Leno A burp is just a breath of airThat cometh from the heart;But when it takes the lower route,It cometh out a fart. 13 Reasons a Handgun is Better Than a Woman1) You can buy a silencer for a handgun.2) You can trade a .44 for two .22's.3) You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.4) If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.5) Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.6) Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.7) A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.8) Handguns function normally every day of the month.9) A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"10) A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.11) You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.12) A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.13) A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger." For the illiterati:These are the 10 winners of last year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the English Dept of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep."6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex change surgeon to become the woman he loved." 5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."AND THE WINNER IS...1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!" Busman's holiday with a twist - a friend of mine who's a prostitute is bothered by the fact that when she goes to the dentist, she actually pays HIM to shove his throbbing tool in her mouth. When snorting coke for the first time, always get instructions. When I tried it once, I got an ice cube stuck up my nose! Washington D.C. - Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United States will be outsourced to overseas as of June 30, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400K a year in salary, a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead. "The cost savings will be quite significant" says Congressman Adam Smith (R-Wash) who, with the aid of Congress research arm, the General Accounting Office has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive on the world stage," Congressman Smith said. Exporting American jobs has been a popular trend lately, ironically at the urging of President Bush. Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting period, he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from unemployment insurance for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be able to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment benefits are over the required limit. "I'm in shock," Mr. Bush stated. "I thought for sure I'd have some job security around this here place. I have no idea what I'll do now," he further lamented. Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the Office of President of the United States as of July 1. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were here on student visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 USD a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. Due to the time difference between the US and India, Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open. "I am excited to serve in this position," Mr. Singh stated in an exclusive interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American Express call center. I always knew I could be President someday." Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be fully aware of all the issues involved with his new position. A Congressional Spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script tree to follow which will allow him to respond to most topics of concern. TheSpokesperson further noted that "additional savings will be realized as these scripting tools have already been used previously by Mr. Bush here in the US. Such scripts will enable Mr. Singh to provide an answer without having to fully understand the issue itself." Congress continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities including that of Vice-president and most Cabinet positions. Physicians have been advised in the "Ethics and Behaviour" supplement of the British Medical Journal to abandon their use of medical slang. The article notes that ambiguous slang terms can lead to serious misunderstandings and litigation issues. As a public service, here's a glossary of popular terms that should now be avoided...Ash cash... Money paid for signing death certificates or cremation forms.Assmosis... Promotion by "kissing ass."ATS... Acute Thespian Syndrome.Bash cash... Money paid for completing accident forms in Emergency departments.Betty... Someone with diabetes.BOHICA... Bend Over, Here It Comes Again.BWS... Beached Whale Syndrome.CHAOS... Chief Has Arrived On Scene.CLL... Chronic Low-Life.CNS-QNS... Central Nervous System - Quantity Not Sufficient.Coffin dodger... Elderly patient.CPR... Come Put 'em to Rest.CTD... Circling The Drain (or Close To Death).DBI... Dirt Bag Index, a complex calculation involving the number of tattoos multiplied by the number of missing teeth to give an estimate of the time since the patient last bathed.Departure lounge... Geriatric ward.Digging for worms... Varicose vein surgery.Double-blind trial... Two orthopods looking at an ECG.Expensive Scare... Intensive care.Fascinoma... A case with interesting pathology.FIBD... Found In Bed Dead.FLK... Funny-Looking Kid.Flower sign... Flowers at patient's bedside - a supportive family.FORD... Found On Road Dead.Freud squad... Psychiatrists.FTF... Failure To Fly - failed suicide attempt.Gassers... Anaesthetists.GLM... Good-Looking Mum.GOK... God Only Knows.GOMA... Get Out of My Ambulance.GOMER... Get Out of My E.R.GPO... Good for Parts Only.Guessing tube... Stethoscope.Handbag-positive... A confused, elderly female patient, usually lying on a hospital bed clutching her handbag.HIF... Hysterical Italian Family (can be interchangeable with any ethnic group).House red... Blood. IBM... Incredible Barfing Man.IDM... It Doesn't Matter.Jesus bus... Going to die soon (i.e. "He's on the Jesus bus").JLD... Just Like Dad - found under FLK once the father appears.LOBNH... Lights On But Nobody Home.MAGGOT... Medically Able, Go Get Other Transportation (i.e. not the ambulance);Metabolic Clinic... The lunch room or cafeteria.NAD... Not Actually Done.Parentectomy... Recommended treatment for many paediatric disorders.PD... Pretty Drunk.Pest control... E.R. staffers referred patient to a psychiatrist.PFO... Pissed Fell Over - drunken patient injured in fall.PIM... Patient Is Mangled.PITA... Pain In The Ass.PRATFO... Patient Reassured And Told To Fuck Off.Pumpkin-positive... A person of limited intelligence (i.e. a penlight shone into his or her mouth would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up).Removal men... Mortuary attendants or those who take elderly patients to long-term care.Rule of Five... If patient has more than five orifices with tubing in them, the condition is considered critical.TATT... Talks All The Time.TEETH... Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy.Treat 'n' street... E.R. term for quick patient turnaround.TUBE... Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination.UBI... Unexplained Beer Injury. Subject: Update employee handbookDress Code: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learnto manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be, and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee receives 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangement. In rare cases in which employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently be eligible to leave one hour early. Restroom Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board. Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, and input should be directed elsewhere. One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said? Just wondering, I didn't get one either...
A cashier at a Shopper’s Drug Mart tells his manager that there’s a woman at the cash who would like permission to put a pushke for The Church of Jesus at the cash. The manager comes out to explain to the woman the store policy forbidding such a thing, saying, “If I let your group do it I’d have to let all groups do it.” “Besides,” he says, “Isn’t it a little strange to be looking for donations for a church in a drug store?” “Not at all,” replied the woman, “Jesus was a great healer!” The manager replied, “Well, he was a carpenter too – maybe you should try Home Depot!” Saul asks, "So what kind of new dog is this?" Abe replies, " His name is Irving, He’s Jewish and he can talk. Watch this." He points to the dog and says, "Irving, Fetch!" Irving walks slowly to the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis...You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet...It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!...And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pi7h, and right back home. Maybe )f I could stret'h out a little,`the sciatica wo5ldn't kill me s/ much!" Saul, a)azed, tells Abedhow remarkable 4his is, to whic( Abe answers, " don't know, I 0hink maybe he h!s a hearing pro"lem. I said fetch, and he thought I said kvetch*" YOU MIGHT BELONG TO A REDNECK SYNAGOGUE IF..*
People ask, whan they hear abo5t oil lasting 8ddays, whether ip was Pennzoil.
Phe shofar sound3 like a duck cahl.
The Bar Mitz2ah centerpiece -s made from grits. It's in the shape of a shotg1n.
The rabbi says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to approach the bima,& and then five guys and two women stand up.
You can tell it's adfancy Oneg Shabbat when they serve beef jerky.
Opening day of daer season is recognized as another high holiday.
A member of tha synagogue requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The`rabbi and the cantor drive matching pickup trucks.
The choir is`known as the "OK Chorale".
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink" is the favorite Kiddush wine.
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the directory.
Bris is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new temple septic tank.
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
High notes on the organ set the dogs under the floor to howling.
The Sisterhood recipe for gefilte fish calls for a medium-sized catfish.
You can recognize life cycle events by the clean t-shirts.
For Purim, all the kids dress up as Dale Earnhardt.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear? As a preface to the next two bits, let me clarify that the Friday Funnies is totally apolitical and uses political material strictly for its skeptical, cynical, sarcastical and satirical value (I freely admit, mea fuckingissimo culpa, that I am a card-carrying member of the ALTRUISTS. Yes, it's AL TRU - I am TRUly skepticAL, TRUly cynicAL TRUly sarcasticAL and TRUly satiricAL). That being said, you can lay off the 'offended-to-the core-of-my-b%ing’ invective)filled replies,dall you bleedin'-heart pinko co-mie leftist fag'ots! The Ant a.d the Grasshopp!r - Old and Mod!rn Version
OLD VERSION: The anp works hard in 4he withering heet all summer lojg, building his`house and layinc up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fooldand laughs and dances and plays$the summer awayn Come winter, t,e ant is warm a.d well fed. The grasshopper has$no food or shel4er, so he dies /ut in the cold.
MORAL OF THE SORY: Be respons-ble for yoursel"!
MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat alh summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the$winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dance7 and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshop4er calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant sho1ld be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and`starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the whivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican THE REPUBLIC OF TEXAS…AND THE OTHER 49 STATES: (Not sure if this is all true but it’s cute)The Future of Texas - Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union (please refer to the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848). We Texans love y'all, but we'll have to take action if Kerry wins president over Bush. We'll miss you too. Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing the whiners along the campaign route, the folks from Texas are considering taking matters into their own hands.Here is our solution:1: Let John Kerry become President of the United States. (all 49 states.)2: George W Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas.So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. (we will control the space industry.)2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.3. Defense Industry. (we have over 65% of it) The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm....6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT., Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway9. We have a ready supply of workers. (just open the border when we need some more).10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers.12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and lets not forget seafood from the gulf. And everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have. Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry:Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9-mile-per-gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.Signed, The People of Texas When I was young I used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." Did you hear about the blonde who thought that intercourse was a state highway? When a sexy lady smiled and said hello to a doctor, his jealous wife asked "Who is the lady, dear?" "Oh, just a girl I have met professionally." "No doubt," meowed the wife, "but whose profession? Yours or hers?" A virgin emerged form her bathIn a state of righteous wrathFor she’d been defloweredWhen she bent as she showered‘Cause the handle was right in her path. When the women in Saudi Arabia commit adultery they get stoned…Much unlike the women in Los Angeles, who usually get stoned first and then they commit adultery. A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says, "Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between my toes." The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes. She replied, "Actually no, just between my 2 big toes!" As the elevator car left our floorBig Sue caught her chest in the door.She yelled a good deal,But had they been realShe’d have yelled considerably more.
Going through the departure security check line at NYC's Kennedy airport last week, the couple in front of me set-off the alarm. When the attendant asked the husband, "Do you have any change?" the man's wife bitched, " Jeez, That 's why I hate New York - ya gotta tip everybody and his brother!"
An aging couple were lying in bed on the night of their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife, feeling as if there should be some action on such a special occasion took her elderly husband's hand and placed it between her legs. "Do you know what that is, Honey," she asked, "What," asks the husband. "That's the box my cherry came in," she replied. The husband took her hand and placed it on his crotch. "Do you know what that is, honey?" "What?" asked the wife sporting a sly grin. The husband replied, "That's the skin my pecker came in."

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.

There's a new book out now that lists all the foreign countries that hate or resent the United States. It's called the World Atlas. – Jay Leno

"It's been reported that scientists in England have invented dried food packets for the military that can be re-hydrated using urine, which is strange, because I thought British food is supposed to taste like crap." - Conan O'Brien

Leroy says to Bubba, ”What’s ‘at yer wife’s got stuck over her mouth. Bubba replies,”Why that’s her ‘diet patch.’ Leroy says, ”Damn! Bubba, that looks like duck tape to me.” Bubba says, ”It is! It does wonders for her diet and she cain’t talk neither!”Here’s a quick tip on how to calculate your cost of living – just take your income and add 10%.

Here are a few from Ogden Nash:

I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable.

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

The cow is of the bovine ilk;One end is moo, the other milk.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance,Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.

Some primal termite knocked on wood,And tasted it, and found it good;That is why your Cousin MayFell through the parlor floor today.

To keep your marriage brimming,With love in the loving cup;Whenever you're wrong, admit it;Whenever you're right, shut up.

There was a young belle of old NatchezWhose garments were always in patchez;When comment arose on the state of her clothes,She drawled, "When Ah itchez, Ah scratchez!"
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference........ If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

ABBOTT and COSTELLO Buy A Computer: In today's world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou COSTELLO's famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this.... COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer!I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch
movies on the Internet? ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue "1". COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue "1". COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! A FEW DAYS LATER . . ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
CONFUCIUS SAYS - Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell you apart.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windshield saying, "Parking Fine." So that was nice. Isn't it amazing that most mothers are always disappointed when their sons or daughters marry a person with obviously lower mental capacity, ambition and moral standards than their own children, and yet the union still manages to produce the most utterly brilliant and beautiful grandchildren.

Sadie goes to Dr Goldberg because she isn't feeling well and returns home crying. "What's wrong?" her husband Abie asks. "The doctor says I've got tuberculosis and I'm going to die yet." Abie calls the doctor for confirmation of the diagnosis. He returns to the wife. "Sadie, you misunderstood... he said you have too big a tuchas and you've got to diet." Daffynitions 1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with 5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate 6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets 7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living 8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist 9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does 10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money 11. MISTY: How golfers create divots 12. PARADOX: Two physicians 13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the EiffelTower 14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm 15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with 16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV 17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring 18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife 19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does 20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official A woman in my office, recently divorced after years of marriage, signed up for a refresher course in CPR. "Is it hard to learn?" asked someone. "Not at all," my co-worker replied. "All you're asked to do is breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problems. I did that for 32 years." Daddy, how was I born? (The modern version) DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story. They've been having a lot of trouble in Illinois finding a Republican candidate to go up against Barack Obama. Well I think they finally found one in our own friend Alan Keyes, you know, the African-American fire-brand conservative preacher. The only problem is Keyes lives in Maryland. ... It's starting to look bad for Republicans. First they couldn't find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan, then they couldn't find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and now they can't find a black person in Chicago. - Bill Maher The ranch that was once known as "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" is now for sale for about $7 million. The ranch is not to be confused with "The Best BIG Whorehouse" in Texas, also known as the State Legislature. Bill Maher In Kentucky, another teacher was accused of having sex with her student. And the kid was home schooled! - Jay Leno How a girl’s age makes a difference: At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!! Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time (ERT) by ten percent." The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent." Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half." Back in the colonial days of America, a man wanted to grow hair on his chest to impress his new girlfriend. So he went up to Abe Lincoln and said "Sir, you are the wisest man I know. Could you please help me and tell me how I can get hair on my chest to impress my girlfriend while we make love?" Abe said "that is easy, every night before you make love, go down below and rub your chest all over private parts and this will stimulate hair follicle growth!" About 3 months later, while walking down the street, he saw Abe, he hollered at him and ripped his shirt open exposing a chest full of hair, and said "it works, it works!!!!" Abe reached up and stroked his beard twice and said, "I KNOW, I KNOW!" The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named....MR. POTATO HEAD! He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face. In the last month I was an usher at five weddings. What can I say? Always a pallbearer ~ never a corpse. Entering the cannibal village, the missionary took the precaution of informing the chief that he was a strict vegetarian. "That okay," said the chief, looking the newcomer over. "We here all strict humanitarians." Did you hear about the gay truckers? They exchanged loads. What is a prostitute's favorite song? I'm in the Nude for Love" Roses are red; pickles are green I love your legs and what's between I like your style I like your class But most of all I like your ass. A love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the 'Lonely Hearts' column. "Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per insertion." "Well in that case," said the spinster "here's 20 bucks and to hell with the advertisement!" A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle 15." The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?" The Greeter replied, "That's my job." Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28." The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies? The Greeter replied, "That's my job." A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5." The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine." The Greeter grimaced and said, "Damn! - missed it by an inch!" I’ve finally arrived at the point where I can go on a maintenance diet. I'm trying to maintain "chubby" and not blossom right into "obese." New herbal remedy... J a c k A s s p i r i n - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. What do you get when you cross a Chickasaw, a Pottawatomie, and a Piute? A chickie-pot-pie! There was a young lady from Sydney Who could take it right up to her kidney, But a man from Quebec Put it up to her neck My, he had a long one, now didn’t he. The Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual: Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the 'product' to the factory for a full refund. IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she: (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup & less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth.(except when requesting money)? (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. BREAK-IN PERIOD When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse. ACTIVATION To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required. SHUTDOWN Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teen-aged daughter. There is no way to do this. CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my Mom and Dad use." When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and don't have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These 'others' are called 'parents'. FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because "it is like so disgusting." She doesn't want you to accompany her to these restaurants because some people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents". Either order take-out food or just give her the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, "Ohmigod he is so hot!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy. CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish & frankly, sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something entirely different. OTHER MAINTENANCE Teenaged daughters require one or two levels of maintenance: "high," and "ultra high." Of course, YOUR daughter is "ultra high". This means that whatever you do won't be enough, and whatever you try, won't work. WARRANTY This product is without defect because she has "your" genes, for heaven's sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, and as far as you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it -- you just might find her! A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl suddenly winked and asked: "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?" The little boy replied..."You're so old fashioned"... "spit out your gum, I want to play President." European Call Centre - How To Handle Moroff Enquiries: British Rail... Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?" Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free". Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?" Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?" Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours". Samsung Electronics... Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" A Knitwear Company Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland". A man - making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box - told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on". Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please". Operator: "Where are you calling from?" Caller: "The living room". RAC (Royal Automobile Club) Motoring Services... Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?" Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?" Computer Capers... Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop". Customer: "OK". Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click' on my notepad". Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'Start' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?" Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks, will I have my file back again?" Welsh Directory Enquiries... Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please". Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off". Sally Sued For Support; She Was Claimin' Phil Had Fathered Her Baby Named Damon. She Said, ''I Ought To Know,'' As She Pointed Below, ''Because This Is The Box That It Came In.'' Holiday Inn Retirement Update Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement, as everyone does when they hit 60. I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes and the expenses. Then it hit me. No nursing home for me! Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn. With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient. Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for? When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends. Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7. Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night! "So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. There’s a new theory that men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women may need men emotionally and sexually, but they also need men to help them get dressed easier and quicker. As one antique dealer admitted to another, theirs was a strange way of making a living. "In what other business," she asked, "do grandparents buy something, parents sell it, and children buy it again?" A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
How Can You Tell If You Are A Jewish Redneck1) You think a Hora is a high priced call girl.2) You light your Shabbat candles with your cigarette.3) Your belt buckle is bigger than your yarmulke.4) Instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name.5) You have a gun rack in your Sukkah.6) You think "KKK" is a symbol for really kosher.7) You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish law.8) You don't ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks.9) When someone shouts L'chaim you respond L'howdy.10) You are saving a bottle of Mogen David wine for some special occasion.
I was all excited about watching a particular Olympic event until someone explained to me what the broad jump really is!
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein Fifteen New Regulations in the Ministere des Transports du Quebec 2004 Handbook:1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Quebec driver avoids using them.2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with Quebec plates. With no insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially on the 401.9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Quebec driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.10.Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.11.Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. Quebec is the home of high-speed slalom-driving; thanks to the Department of Public Works which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.12.It is tradition in Quebec to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milli-seconds after the light turns green.13.To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.14.Remember that the goal of every Quebec driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.15.In Quebec, 'flipping the bird', is considered a polite salute! This gesture should always be returned.Thank You,Ministere des Transports du Quebec
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"Mama answered, "Not yet., dear.”Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting.Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation.Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food.Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love.Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered woman, invented sex.Woman discovered sex, invented headache. Man discovered trade, invented money.Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that. ACTUAL MILITARY WARNINGS "Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Army "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal "Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." --Col. David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." Unknown Army Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies (And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." --U.S.A. Ammo Troop A guy goes into a library to take out a book on suicide. The Librarian says, "No fucking way!. You won't return it.” A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes. One boy answered, "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it" The next little boy said, "We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it." Then a third boy piped up "In the bathroom we have a little platform with numbers in the window. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams, "OH MY GOD" WASHINGTON POST’S WOMEN'S T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.1. I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.2. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE.3. I'M STILL HOT .. IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.4. AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.6. LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE FUN OF IT.7. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.8. ANNAPOLIS--A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILOR PROBLEM.9. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD... ARE YOU BAD?10. PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!11. BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR.12. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE.13. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.14. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.15. KEEP STARING....I MAY DO A TRICK.16. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.17. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.18. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.19. EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE," I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE.20. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE.21. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.22. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH There was a young girl from BalmoralWhose habits were highly immoral.For the price of a dimeShe took three at a time,One fore, one aft, and one oral. Britain's Environment Agency is concerned that the anti-depression drug Prozac is being taken in such large quantities in the U.K. that traces are not only showing up in wastewater, but also in rivers and wells used for drinking water. "We need to determine the effects of this low-level, almost continuous discharge," says agency spokesman Dr. Andy Croxford. (London Observer) ...Yet when informed of the contamination, affected residents just didn't seem to care. ROMANIA: A superstitious man who refused to leave his home on Friday 13th died in his kitchen after he was stung by a wasp. Florin Carcu, 54, was making coffee when he was stung by the rare breed of wasp at his home in the central city of Cluj. His boss Gheorghe Domsa said: 'He took the day off because he seemed scared of something bad happening'. Let that be a lesson to you: don't try to outwit fate. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion, in Renaissance Florence, to shave them off! Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. It's too bad ignorance isn't painful. All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. In a recent poll, one in four said they'd donate a kidney to a complete stranger. Yeah, right, 90% of people won't even let a stranger merge in traffic. - Jay Leno There was an old maid of DuluthWho wept when she thought of her youthAnd the glorious chancesShe’d missed at school dancesAnd once in a telephone booth. Helpful Rules for Proper English Usage:1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.7. Be more or less specific.8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.14. One should never generalize.15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.16. Don't use no double negatives.17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.20. The passive voice is to be ignored.21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.32. Who needs rhetorical questions?33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them.........."Moosellaneous." How are men like videos? Both go backward... forward...backward...forward... backward....forward... stop and eject. Why is your salary a lot like a woman's period? It comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come you are in big trouble Midlife is when you become aware that life throws you curves and that you're sitting on two of the biggest ones. There was a young lady from Channelview Whose boyfriend said "may I explore you?" She replied to the chap "I will draw you a map Where the others have been to before you". The increased use of Viagra by the senior set has created the demand for a sexual lubricant to address the special needs of the newly liberated senior sex market…. The makers of K-Y were quick to develop a new product that they're marketing as, "OIL OF OLD LAY" A cop pulled over when he saw a blonde standing beside a car and opening and closing her long coat while being naked underneath. As he approached she said, “Thank goodness you’re here, my car won’t start.” He said,”That I can see, but why are you naked and opening and closing your coat?” She said, “Well the electrical system is completely dead so I’m the emergency flasher!”
The only trouble with working in a genetics lab is that everybody's always trying to get into everybody else's genes.
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." The second replies, "So, try the potatoes." What is a cannibal's favourite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
What is a cannibal's favourite game? Swallow the leader. Did you hear about the cannibal who: - was late coming home for dinner. His wife gave him the cold shoulder.
- loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.- was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?- wrote a recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

And then there was the big corporation that hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything. But noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!!!!"
The Top 5 Signs the Call Center Employee You're Dealing With Is Overseas:5. "I'm sorry, Wing-Ma took the morning off for maternity leave. She'll be back after lunch."4. "Boy, what a commute this morning. My bus plunged off a mountainside -- again!"3. "Hi, my name is Bob Deathtoamerica. How may I help you?"2. "Would you like to add the extended service agreement foran additional 80 wildebeest furs?"and the Number 1 Sign the Call Center Employee You're Dealing With Is Overseas...1. "I am sorry, but it is quite sunny here today, so I have no place to stick your overdraft notice." An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me, I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Too often, when opportunity knocks, by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late.
I don't think my mother ever really loved me. She and my dad were both professional wrestlers and I believe I was born out of headlock.

If you believe the doctors, nothing is wholesome;
If you believe the theologians, nothing is innocent;
If you believe the military, nothing is safe.
Republican National Convention Schedule: Revised, July 2004 6:00pm - Opening prayer 6:15pm - Supplementary opening prayer 6:30pm - Prayer in thanks of first two prayers 6:45pm - New energy policy presented by Exxon 7:00pm - Canonization of Reagan 7:15pm - Additional prayers 7:30pm - Opening remarks by Halliburton 8:00pm - Prayer for the safety and well-being of Ken "Kenny-boy" Lay 8:15pm - Additional remarks by Halliburton 8:30pm - Stoning of the first homosexual 8:45pm - New healthcare polices presented by HMO leader, Kaiser Permanente 9:00pm - Invasion of Iran or North Korea (TBA) 9:15pm - Halliburton contributes 1.4 billion to Republican party 9:30pm - Reagan elevated to savior, Holy Trinity now referred to as "the quads" 9:45pm - Bush undergoes plastic surgery to look more like Reagan 10:00pm - Chaney runs into Ron Reagan, Jr. Tells him to go fuck himself Republican Convention - Revised10:15pm - Recall of troops from accidental invasion of South Korea (Bush: "Damn, the SOUTH is our ally. My bad.") 10:30pm - Burning at the stake of 16 year-old Jenny Williams, who had an illegal abortion after being raped by her cousin 10:45pm - Dancing around the golden calf 11:00pm - Stoning of the partner of the first homosexual 11:15pm - New forestry policy presented by Weyerhaeuser 11:45pm - Thanking God for his wisdom in choosing Bush as president 12:00pm - Closing prayers (lasting until 2:00am) 2:00 am - Hookers arrive for all delegates God summoned Castro, Chirac and Bush before him. He told them that they were ruining his precious Earth with all their pollutants, industrial fishing, logging etc. He told them to clean up their act or he would make the whole mankind shovel shit from one hole to another for eternity. Go! tell your people. So Castro goes back to his people and tells them "I have 2 things to tell you, both of them bad. One, God exists and Two, if we don't clean up the planet we will have to shovel shit from one hole to another for eternity." Chirac goes back to his people and tells them "I have 2 things to tell you, one good and one bad. One, God exists and Two, if we don't clean up the planet mankind will have to shovel shit from one hole to another for eternity." Bush goes back to his people and tells them "I have 2 things to tell you, both of them good. One, God exists and Two, There'll soon be work for everyone!"

I was told I needed to backup my hard drive. Hell I don’t even know how to get the damn thing into reverse.

What this country needs is someone who knows what this country needs!

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. (Just my luck, I’m intolerant to that shit too!)

A newlywed bride, Mrs. Young
Asked the doctor to fix her torn lung.
When asked how it ripped
She replied as she stripped,
"That man I married is hung".
That honesty is the best policy was driven home to me a couple of days ago, when I went to the butcher's shop late in the day. A wizened old lady wanted to buy a lamb roast, so he'd pulled one out, weighed it, and told her, "That'll be $13.45, please." "Too small, I'm afraid. Do you have a larger one?" The butcher picked up the roast, went out to the back room,waited a while (it was obviously the last one he had in stock), and came back. "This one should be better. It's $15.20." I was just about to explode in protest, when I saw the old lady give him a sly grin. "Thank you. That's perfect. I'll take both." My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
Said a diffident lady named Drood
The first time she saw a man nude,
"I’m glad I’m the sex
That’s concave not convex
For I don’t fancy things that protrude".
In the summer of 1940 the young ice man drove his pickup truck up and down the streets looking at the "ice cards" hung on the screen doors of the residents who had ice boxes. The cards usually had 3 settings; 12 1/2 lbs, 25 lbs and 50 lbs. It was a poor time and two old sisters lived alone and sometimes would show their card for 12 1/2 lbs. The young man knew they never paid their bill but he always stopped and took all the broken pieces off his truck and tried to pack their small wooden icebox. One day after he had packed their box one of the sisters stepped out on the back porch and asked to speak to the young man. She seemed very shy and embarrassed, saying, "Young man my sister and I know you have helped us and knowing we could not pay. We have read in books that sometimes women offer their bodies for sex in exchange for favors. Since we have no money we decided to do that for you and since I am the youngest I am offering myself." The young feller tried to convince her that it was not necessary but after she insisted he finally said, "Okay" and they proceeded. After he dressed he took out his receipt book and wrote "PAID IN FULL" and handed it to the sister. She apparently greatly enjoyed the liaison as, after looking at the bill for only a second, she blurted, "Now, look here, young man, we got that ice a little piece at a time and we intend paying for it the same way!" A major earthquake, measuring 9.1cm on the Richter scale hit Pakistan this morning. 350,000 Pakistanis are either dead or missing and over a million have been injured. The surrounding area is in ruins, all Pakistanis are in shock and their government has appealed for help. UK Prime Minister Blair is sending troops to assist in recovery operations. USA President Bush is sending in food, medical aid and money. Canada has offered to send 350,000 replacement Pakistanis from Brampton. Diary of a Canadian in Paradise:
April 30th...Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.May 14th...Really heating up. Got to 89° today. Not a problem, I live in an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.June 5th...Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.July 1st...The temperature hasn't been below 90° all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about? Still seems hot. Getting used to it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers - cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.July 15th...Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work - what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though - got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.July 20th...I miss our cat, Abby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!July 25th...Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.July 30th...Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?Aug 4th...100°... Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90°. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state.Aug 8th...If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his head off. Fucking heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!Aug 10th...The weather report might as well be a fucking recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot for two fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it may be hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this God-forsaken place?Aug 12th...Welcome to Hell... Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.Aug 13th...Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly!Aug 14th...Welcome to Hurricane Charley - the Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to Toronto where all you have to worry about is getting mugged. I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba!!!
A Texan, a Frenchman, and a Russian were discussing the Old Testament. "Adam and Eve had to be Texans," the Texan said. "Only a gentleman from Texas would share his only apple with a lady." "You are mistaken," said the Frenchman. "They were French. How else would they have been so much in love?" The Russian said, "You are both wrong! Who but a Russian would walk around with no clothes, have nothing but an apple to share between them, and think they were in paradise?"
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?" 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than marry a woman you can't defrost." In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly gentleman were sitting. The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her: What’s wrong honey? She replies my head hurts, so her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her: Is it better now? Yes she said, then he asked does it hurt somewhere else? Here, she replied, pointing to her lips so boyfriend kissed her lips. Is it better now? Much better. Anywhere else? Here she replied pointing to her neck now so the boyfriend kissed her neck… Getting more uncomfortable by the minute, the gentleman asks the young man, ”Excuse me, young man,. Do you do hemorrhoids?” A woman is registering her family at a new doctor’s office and has just handed in all the forms for herself, her husband and their three children. After going over the forms for some time, the crusty lady behind the counter says, “"Do you realize that your husband's birthday is very close to nine months from each of your children's births?” After she finished taking down all the data, the woman patted the woman's hand, winked at her and suggested, "Honey, maybe it would be a good idea to start buying your husband a tie for his birthday ! " A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him." "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." A boy was watching his father, a rabbi, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:
- Under same management for over 5763 years.
- Beat the Rosh Hashanah rush, come to shul this Shabbat.
- Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
- Come early for a good seat.
- What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up... The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not they tradition." The one whose followers sat said, "Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand... " The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition! "
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Zaydeh, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Zaydeh, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
- "I have always strenuously supported the right of every man to his own opinion, however different that opinion might be to mine. He who denies another this right makes a slave of himself to his present opinion, because he precludes himself the right of changing it." Thomas Paine, 1783- "Free speech exercised both individually and through a free press, is a necessity in any country where people are themselves free." Theodore Roosevelt, 1918- "The truth is found when men are free to pursue it." Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1936- "If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." George Orwell, 1945- "Any time we deny any citizen the full exercise of his constitutional rights, we are weakening our own claim to them." Dwight David Eisenhower, 1963- "What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant." Robert F. Kennedy, 1964- "Go fuck yourself." Dick Cheney, 2004 At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death. He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off, so she called the security company that installed it. The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again...and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." And it went off. She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response was, "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message, he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos on their tits?

A young airline stewardess, May,
Has achieved the ultimate lay.
She was screwed without quittin’
From New York to Great Britain
It is clear that she’s come a long way. "With high-definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your twenty-fifth high school reunion." - Jay Leno "According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are her eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars." - Jay Leno First blonde: "I expect they'll be raising the gas prices again soon." Second blonde: "Won't affect me. I always put in just $20 worth." My last rectal exam hurt like hell. When I complained, the doctor said that he’d used two fingers this time. When I asked why, he replied, "I needed a second opinion." What’s the difference between a condom and a coffin? They both contain a stiff, but you come in one, and go in the other! New studies have shown that diarrhea is hereditary... it runs in your genes.
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Doctors and Guns WHAT WE ALL SHOULD KNOW..... Doctors: (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services. Now think about this: Guns: (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is 80 million. (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is ..000188. Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do." FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand! Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
When a husband who suspects his wife is cheating, tactfully says, “Honey I think I'm playing second fiddle, she replied, “With a flute like yours you are lucky to be in the band!”

Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel operator's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it. "We have over 300 guests at this facility," she said. "Does this 'Gym' have a last name?"
A student nurse was quite excited, because she was going to give her first injection. Her patient was an elderly gentleman in need of his insulin medication. She carefully drew up the insulin into the syringe, and, remembering what she had learned, lifted his hospital gown discretely and advised him, "There'll be a little prick." The gentleman, with a twinkle in his eye replied, "You're not only a nurse, but you're a psychic too?" It was a sweltering August day in 1937 when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker. "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford." "What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button." Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool. This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?" Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "And there is something else: The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-Conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!" "Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!' They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the name Cohen would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: NORM, HI and MAX Lance Armstrong To Be Stripped Of 6th Tour Crown - CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title. In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong's hotel room. The 3 substances banned by the French, that were found in his hotel room were: (1) Toothpaste (2) Deodorant (3) Soap. The French officials also found several other items which they had never seen before including a testicle and a backbone. I tried to give my husband bridge lessons last week, but he just wouldn't jump! Okay, so the Viagra my boyfriend took was still having an effect hours later -- does that give him the right to go running to the emergency room asking to see the head nurse? A businesslike harlot named DraperOnce tried an unusual caper.What made it so niceWas you got it half-priceIf you brought in her ad from the paper. What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head? Short, sweet, and to the point! CONFUCIUS SAYS - He who fishes in other mans holes often catches crabs. There once was a versatile whoreAs expert behind as beforeFor a buck you could view herFor two you could do herAs she stood on her head on the floor.
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out shouting, “Holy shit.! What a ride!” On our 31st anniversary, I took my wife to dinner. Our kids told us that they would have dessert waiting for us when they returned. When we got home, the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal, and candles, and there was a note that read, "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" So I said, "I suppose we could vacuum.”
The I T guy in our office comes from Athens but his name is so long we just call him Zorba the Geek.
The Canadian Olympian took his torn swim suit to the Greek tailor. Studying the tear, the tailor asked, "Euripedes?" The Canadian nodded. "Eumenides?" Did you know that Kishke was invented as a special food that should be served to Gentile Olympic runners to slow them down and give all the Jews a chance to catch up? Well, now you know.
A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here." "What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look." And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck. "Rover," says the man, "daven!". "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head. "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck. "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven. "That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!" "You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to be a dentist."
An elderly Jewish man in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Yiddish accent, for number 266419. Shortly afterwards there is a knock on his door. He opens it to find two beautiful and sexy girls outside who ask him: "Are you the guy who ordered 2 shikses for one night?" Joey Bishop's dad, a rabbi, changed his name. When asked why, he said, "Well, 'Rabbi Bishop' would have been a bit odd." (although I really did meet a Rabbi in Milwaukee named Rabbi Pastor!)
Tired of hiring non-Jews to turn your lights on and off during the Sabbath? Well, thanks to a recently-discovered Talmudic loophole, you can now safely clap on - clap off your electrical appliances to your heart's content with The Clapper! In fact, it's a mitzvah!

Residential consumers buy electric energy by the kilowatt-hour - electric power being the rate of energy production (consumption) measured in watts. The retail price of a kilowatt-hour of electric energy is between 10 and 20 cents. If a cyclist wanted to sell his power to an electricity company, he/she would not be able to sell at residential rates - he/she would receive the wholesale rate of 4 cents per kilowatt-hour. A good cyclist can produce 200 watts of power for a period of time that is dependant on the cyclist's conditioning - earning the cyclist less than 1 cent per hour. And, should that cyclist have enough endurance to pedal for 10 hours, he/she would earn a whopping 8 cents! But if that cyclist also wanted to pay for a hot shower after his cycling, he would have to pedal yet another 5 hours to heat the water for a hot shower... Watts You See is not always Watts You Get!

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Without geometry, life is pointless.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The Hokey Pokey -- Shakespeare Style!
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soonupon a backward journey lithe. Anon, once more the gesture,then begin: Command sinistral pedestal to writhe. Commencethou then the fervid Hokey-Poke. A mad gyration, hips inwanton swirl. To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl. The Hoke, the poke --banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
A Kosovar arrives in Montreal. All excited, he stops the first person he meets. "Good day, Mr Canadian, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and.." The person interrupts and says: "I am not Canadian, I'm Moroccan." The Kosovar continues on his way and meets another passerby: "Thank you Mr. Canadian for to let my family and me stay here..." Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence: "I no be Canadian, I be Armenian!" The Kosovar continues on his way and meets another passerby: "Mr. Canadian, me thank you for hospitality you give..." "But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am Congolese, not Canadian." "But", answers the Kosovar distressed, "where are all the Canadians?" The Congolese looking at his watch says: "Oh, they work 'til five o'clock"

Politically Correct TermsDirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.Serial-Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.Lazy: Motivationally deficient.Fat: Horizontally challenged.Fail: Achieve a deficiency.Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.Bald: Follicularly challenged.Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.Worst: Least best.Wrong: Differently logical.Ugly: Cosmetically different.Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.Short: Vertically challenged.Dead: Living impaired.Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.Spendthrift: Negative saver.Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.Ignorant: Knowledge-based nonpossessor.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.
To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP!

Here are the top 35 suggested names for Wal-Mart's Redneck Vintage (2004) wine:35. Box O' Grapes34. Grapes O' Rath33. Bubba's Wiser32. Houndog Hooch31. Jethroze Jugs30. Charred An Eh du Jour (Canadian Newfie's favourite, eh!)29. Sew Vinney Blank28. Trailer Trash Coonies (looks just like yer pets - comes cheaper by the bag)27. Whine and Dine26. Sparkling Whine25. Whine Racks (recipe from the Middle Ages)24. Bubba Sangria (B.S. for short)23. Sam Pain (hi-end, Bubba-ly stuff)22. Bored Eau Wine (made with almost-real water!)21. Nap' A Valley Whine (ya'll sleep real good after a jug o' this stuff!)20. Son O' Ma Country (made close to that Nap' A Valley place)19. Saw Vinno Blanks (shooters for up-country folks)18. Semi Lon (for those who only want half a keg)17. Licker's Quicker16. Front n' Back (pours the same from the top or the bottom)15. Chateau Traileur Parc (some jugs sold as Chateau Traileur Doublewide)14. White Trashfindel13. Big Red Gulp12. Grape Expectations11. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"10. NASCARbernet9. Chillin William8. Chef Boyardeaux7. Peanut Noir6. Blue Light Special Nun5. Chateau des Moines4. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!2. World Championship Riesling1. Nasti SpumanteThe beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat (possum) and red meat (squirrel). Who says they don't know wine in Arkansas?

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy and told him that she was pregnant! He said, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!" He asked, "What do you mean, 'more?'" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!"

A blonde comes up to a salesman in the curtain department at Sears and says, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains, fifteen inches wide by ten inches long. The salesman says "That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!" The blonde replies indignantly, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"

A guy goes to get his eyes checked and the optometrist tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!" The fellow asks, "Why,am I going blind?" "Oh no," the Doc said, "but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!"

Why don’t women like drinking beer on the beach? Because they don’t like sand in their shlitz!

Said a coed from Duke University
When asked about sexual diversity,
"Screwing’s okay
In the old fashioned way,
But I do like a touch of perversity.

In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the men surveyed responded that either genetics or home environment was the principal factor. The remaining 18 percent of those that responded revealed that they had been sucked into it.

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "150." so the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, “What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is amazing." The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied,"50." The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"

The most creative rationale for throwing an apple core out the window is "It will plant seeds for other threes to grow." And, of course, our highways are lined with apple trees--right next to all the cigarette bushes!

An Oldie Goldie updated:
A cowboy was tending his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not? The man parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man as he selects an animal and looks on amused as the young man puts it into the back of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what you do for a living, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant." says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business. Now, give me back my dog!"
There are some English words that when said by someone with a Yiddish accent, take on a whole new meaning. For example, if you would have asked my dad what the word wrench meant, he would have said something like the following: A wrench is where the cowboys live.
Is it redundant to put a yarmulke on a toupee? Yiddish word for Today: PULKES (PUHL-kees) THIGHS note: this word has been traced back to the language of one of the original Tribes of Israel, the Cellulites.
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, look's like you will," answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks. "The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?" "Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time." "But sir," asks the panicky officers, "Do we have enough Jews"?

On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and walked again on earth. As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left open. "What the hell’s the matter with you," he said. "were you born in a barn?"

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night. The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I'm not Lord Nelson." "That's wonderful," said the doctor. "Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."

Bravery is arriving home late after a boozy night out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

My wife was in labour with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife!" I cried. "It's perfectly normal," he reassured me, "She's just going through her contractions."

What is a prostitute left with at the end of her shift? A box of assorted creams!

There was a young fellow named Dice
Who remarked, "They say bigamy’s nice.
Even two is a bore
I prefer three or four
For the plural of spouse it is spice".

As you know, we've been having some wild weather and that could affect the vote on Election Day. For example, if there's a hurricane in Texas, Kerry could win. If there's a rainstorm in Massachusetts, Bush could win. And if it 'snows in hell,' Ralph Nader will win. - Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, Ralph Nader is down to 1 percent of the popular vote. That's embarrassing, 1 percent! He's even trailing low fat milk; that's 2 percent!" -Jay Leno

I don't like forwarding too many warnings, however this one is important! Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list! If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it! IT IS A SCAM - They only want to see you naked! I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...
Statistics show that most men like tight women with big breasts - possibly because most men have small dicks and big mouths. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

One of the old guys at the sawmill is talking to a new guy about wood and the new guy is marveling at his stories. "That ain't nutthin," says the old guy, "You should see Old Smiff. He's 90 years old and he just retired last year, but he can take a piece of wood and just sniff it and tell you what kinda wood it is, when it was cut down, and where it growed!." The new guy doesn't believe it, and is prepared to put money on it so they send for Old Smiff. They blindfold him and invite the new guy to test him.The new guy picks up a piece of wood lying on the ground. Smiff sniffs it and says "That there's Amurrican Red Oak, and it was growed on the north side of Pete's Ridge and it got cut down in 1952." The foreman confirms they were getting oak from there in 1952, but the new guy isn't convinced. Old Smiff correctly identifies a piece of hickory-- "it's from a busted baseball bat." The new guy is amazed, but he wants to try once more. He grabs a piece of scrap pine off the ground, then goes over to the sawmill's secretary and whispers in her ear. She shakes her head and he whispers
some more, then she takes the piece of pine, sticks it up under he skirt, and rubs it back and forth on her crotch. Smiff takes a sniff, and reels back. "Whoah!," he says, "That's a tough one. It's ordinary pine, but whar did it come from?" He takes another sniff and says "Aha! It's a piece of the shit-house door on a shrimp trawler."

A well told oldie goldie:
A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfie were sitting in a bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you." Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Newf. "Back home in Sin Jahn' there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you
upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Newfie's claims but he swears every word is true. Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"Not me meeself, personally, no," said the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister a few times."

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an American, one a Canadian and the other a African. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations. All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying, "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other." The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And", said the doctor, "they have all had little boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over. "However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them." With that, the Canadian raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying, "there's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!" The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of African descent." "That's a maybe", said the Canadian, "but one of the other two is an American and I'm not taking the risk."

Iraqi Airways resumed international flights for the first time in 14 years ... " (AP/9/19) "Welcome aboard Iraqi Airways, or as we call it 'Wing and a Prayer Air.' You will find your complimentary parachute stored in your overhead luggage bin." "In the event of an emergency, your cushion will act as a giant bandage and your seatbelt may be used as a tourniquet." "The four emergency exits are located fore and aft and anywhere a rocket-propelled granade happens to hit the fuselage." "Once we're airborne, the flight stewards will come down the aisles offering coffee . . . tea . . . or plasma." "The in-flight movie today is 'Sands of Iwo Jima.' Those passengers who can't afford earphones can achieve much the same effect looking out the window." "We're about to land. Please fasten your seatbelts and buckle your flack jacket." "As we descend, those on the left side of the aircraft can see what's left of Falluja and those on the right, what's left of their relatives who used to live in Falluja." "Please be advised that after we touch down, you're on your own. Passengers without a well-planned exit strategy could remain here forever. Thanks for flying Iraqi Air."


Welcome to Alberta. Thank you for visiting our beautiful province. Here are a few things you ought to know to make your stay more pleasant...1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym. 2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it out of the way. 3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old. Yeah, we saw Bambi die. We got over it. 4. Any references to "grain fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked... by our women. 5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot. 6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. 8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes unsweetened in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon. 9. You bring Coke into my house you better bring rye along, and some ice. 10. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar combine that we use two weeks a year. 11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town, but we stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. 12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute. 13. Yeah, we eat trout, Northern, walleye, and pike, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop. 14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Highways #1 and #16 go two ways - get on one of them. 15. The "Opener" refers to the first days of fishing and deer season. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church. 16. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept? 17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit into the water hazards. It spooks the fish. And stay out of the woods. It'll spook the deer. Please enjoy your stay, eh!

Public service announcement for all you paranoid types: I took part in a focus group the other night and as a part of the introduction they announced that the large mirror on one wall was a two-way mirror so the representatives of the company sponsoring the group could watch without being seen. In case you ever wondered when you were in a bathroom, hotel room, change room or bedroom, if that seemingly ordinary mirror hanging on the wall is a real mirror, or a two-way mirror, here’s a simple test. It is difficult to positively identify the surface by just looking at it, so first you must understand that on a standard mirror, the silver is on the back of the mirror (under the glass), while with a two-way mirror, the silver is on the surface. If you place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective surface and there is a gap between your fingernail and the image of the nail, then it is a standard mirror. However, if your fingernail directly touches the image of your nail, then beware, it is a two-way mirror! So remember, unless you’re an exhibitionist, every time you see a mirror, do the "fingernail test."

On the first day of marriage, the husband is treated like god - after that the three letters get reversed!

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "You won’t get any sympathy from me!”
Wife: Why are you home so early? Husband: My boss told me to go to hell. "Honey, when we get married, I'll be there to share all your troubles and sorrows."; "But I don't have any, my love." "I said, when we get married"

"Each evening bird-lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband." Then it dawned on them.

"Wow, man," Timmy said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people through on dry ground!" "Sorry," said the 'scholar'. "But that wasn't the Red Sea; it was the Reed Sea. And its water is only about 1 foot deep. No miracle was involved." "Oh," said Timmy. Then, reading on a little more, he said, "Wow, man! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians in 1 foot of water!"

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row, please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No," he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No," she said. "Good," he answered.

While on vacation, a man and his grandson entered their cabin with the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before his grandfather did, the young lad whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar. Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good. When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag. On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -but never the present. A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work." The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up. Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders. Rita Rudner counsels that men who wear an earring would also make good husbands since they’ve already experienced pain and are already experienced at shopping for jewelry. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull. We have enough youth - how about a fountain of smart? Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray. Would somebody please poke holes in the top of my jar. Who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition. Vegetarian – Indian word for lousy hunter. To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so. To err is human. To forgive is simply not our policy. To err is human. To moo is bovine. Suburbia – where they tear out the trees and then name the streets after them. Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. Objects in the mirror are dumber than they appear. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird. My other car is a broom. My other car is a pair of boots. My other car is a piece of crap too! My other car is a UFO. My other car is also a Mercedes. My Karma just ran over my Dogma Life in a vacuum sucks. Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality. Life - it’s just a cereal. Keep the earth clean – it isn’t Uranus. I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous. I’d love to trade caller I.D. for caller I.Q. Impotence... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY? Fleece on earth. Good wool to ewe. Eschew obfuscation. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. He’s so uptight he could swallow a piece of coal and dump a diamond. He thinks menopause is a button on a DVD player. He thinks Meow Mix is a CD for cats. He thinks Moby Dick is a kind of a venereal disease. He's such a tight ass that when he farts only dogs can hear it. He's the epitome of dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome. Once again,it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwins are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine nominees are: Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft!" Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized. Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54 caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog jigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup ruck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? ***Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.

Did anybody watch T.V. Saturday night? I was watching the opening of the new Hooters in Atlantic City. No, I'm sorry, that was the Miss America Pageant! Did you see the new swimsuits for the pageant? Is it me or is this gig just a brass pole and a two drink minimum away from being a strip club? - Jay Leno

HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS UPDATEIf you're girding, bracing and hunkering, you'll appreciate this email we received from a Miami Herald colleague, full of practical advice:Given the current weather patterns I am recommending that all my friends get the following supplies and immediately put them in the trunk of their car or stow them in a safe place in their home.1) A length of rope long enough to HANG yourself if you wind up trapped for three days in a shuttered house listening to the same blathering nitwits on TV or radio, standing outside with a microphone mouthing variations of "yep...it is windy... only an IDIOT would be out HERE".2) Bottle of tequila, margarita mix and box of kosher salt.3) Several cases of beer (preferable Guinness which can be consumed warm if necessary).4) Pistol (this is Florida...it is always a good idea to have a pistol).5) A garbage bag full of sleeping pills.6) Scrabble AND a dictionary (the dictionary is really necessary because otherwise disputes may be settled with use of emergency item #4).7) Shotgun (this is Florida...it is always a good idea to have a shotgun).

Hurricane Ivan was having a heart to heart with a coconut tree, it went something like this: "Hang onto your nuts big boy, this will be the best blow job you have ever had."
A new graduate gynecologist named ScottFound he knew diddly squatAbout sex, because he'd neverBeen so cleverAs to go out on a date that was hot. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving. The U.S. government denied that its new airline passenger screening system employs racial profiling. It decides whether each passenger is a red, yellow or green risk being stopped. You had better not be in any hurry if you are Indian, Asian or airsick. A sign outside Morris' barber's shop read - "COME IN TOMORROW FOR A FREE HAIRCUT." Izzy saw the sign and went back the next day and asked for his free haircut. "Can't you read?" said Morris the barber, "It says 'come in tomorrow!'"
In Saddam's palaces, marines found lots of pornography a.k.a "Weapons Of Mass-turbation" Said the gay man say to the census taker, "Well, I was born in Chicago but reared in San Francisco." A man of age 77 and woman of age 76 just got married and are on their honeymoon. In the hotel room, she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. He's in the bathroom sprucing himself up. She waits.. and waits.. 'til she can't wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom. She giggles, "Honey, what are you doing? I'm 86 years old and can't get pregnant anymore." He looks up at her and says, "I know, but honey, you know how the dampness affects my arthritis."
You know, things could be worse. What if sex was fattening?

SHE'S GETTING BORED HAVING SEX WITH YOU WHEN SHE:
She bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
She yells out her own name.
She asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook more easily.
She holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
She keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.
During the act, she screams, "Oh, baby, yadda, yadda, yadda!"
You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.
You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.
She runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
She keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
She starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
She actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"
When you request sex, she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."

Sophie was scared at first. It was pretty wide, and looked quite long, and it angled straight up. but she decided she wanted to try it once. So she slowly and carefully eased herself onto it. It felt weird to her at first. Then she got used to it. as she went up and down, and up and down on it. She was really loving it. Now she rides on escalators all the time.

Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating. A woman over heard her aunt and uncle one day: "What are you looking for in that closet?" Sadie asked. "Nothing," Morris answered. "Well, it's not in there. Look under the bed."

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch with him." "I can't" the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked. "Because," she replied, "He can't throw."
Black and White (Under age 40? You won't understand.) You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go. Pull a chair up to the TV set, "Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet." Depending on the channel you tuned, You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June. It felt so good. It felt so right. Life looked better in black and white. I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys, Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys, Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train, Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane. Father Knows Best, Patty Duke, Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too, Donna Reed on Thursday night! -- Life looked better in black and white. I wanna go back to black and white. Everything always turned out right. Simple people, simple lives... Good guys always won the fights. Now nothing is the way it seems, In living color on the TV screen. Too many murders, too many fights, I wanna go back to black and white. In God they trusted, alone in bed, they slept, A promise made was a promise kept. They never cussed or broke their vows. They'd never make the network now. But if I could, I'd rather be In a TV town in '53. It felt so good. It felt so right. Life looked better in black and white. I'd trade all the channels on the satellite, If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right. Life was better in black and white!

Ina large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone who was Jewish in the community came every Shabbes. One weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbes goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbes goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbes he, too, hired a Shabbes goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines. Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation

In 1872 railroad baron Leland Stanford hired noted landscape photographer Edward Muybridge to prove there was a moment mid-stride when horses had all four hooves off the ground. It took years, but Muybridge proved it. He rigged a racetrack with a dozen strings that triggered 12 cameras not only proving Stanford right but also set off the revolution in motion photography that would become movies. Some word definitions from Barbara Embry in Indiana.....~ Intense: Where campers sleep~ Kinship: Your brother's boat~ Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer~ Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.~ Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass~ Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot~ Midget: Center engine of a three-engine fast plane~ Minimum: A very small mother~ Misty: How golfers create divots~ Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once~ Nitrate: Cheapest price for calling long distance~ Observatory: What George Washington asked his spies to do~ Pandemonium: A housing development for pandas~ Paradise: Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon~ Paradox: Two physicians~ Paraffins: Found on the sides of fish~ Paralyze: Two untruths~ Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower~ Pharmacist: A helper on the farm~ Polynesia: memory loss in parrots~ Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV~ Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy~ Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep~ Relief: What trees do in the spring~ Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does~ Sesame: A seed useful for opening caves~ Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event~ Skier: A person who jumps to contusions~ Sleet: A slipcover~ Stirrup: What you do with cake batter~ Subdued: Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man~ Subsidy: A town underneath another town~ Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them~ Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official~ Sweater: A garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly~ Teenager: An adolescent whose hang-ups do not include his clothes~ Teenagers: People who express their desire to be different by dressing alike~ Tenure: A year after nineure~ Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary~ Thursday: How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day~ Trapeziod: A device for catching zoids~ Unabated: A fishhook without a worm~ Valorous: A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater~ Vanguard: A person who protects trucks~ Violinist: A high-strung musician~ Warehouse: What you ask when you are lost~ Wholesale: Where a mole goes to buy a home.

Coke or Water? I’ve seen this article before, but keep forgetting how poignant it is. After reading this, I hope you won’t want to drink soda again. We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written down like this before.
WATER
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
And now for the properties of COKE:
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
9. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
F.Y.I.:
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Now the question is, would you like a coke or a glass of water?

The bride-to-be and her best friend were discussing her impending wedding. "If you want an unforgettable wedding night," her friend said, "get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony." A week after, the new bride thanked her friend but said plaintively, "Only eight of the oysters worked."

A doctor at a major hair-loss institute in England now says the best way to avoid going bald: drink a lot of alcohol. They say drinking alcohol to excess increases hair growth. This could be true. When was the last time you saw a bald Kennedy?

Did you hear condoms are now being sold with a free calling card? The attached instructions say, "If you can't come, call."

I knew I never should have visited that porn site last night. When I turned on my computer this morning, it said, "You've got blackmail."

I always wanted to be the last man on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

The major family dispute between wives and husbands who are having their first child when it comes to videotaping is that the wives want to tape the birth of their child and the husbands want to videotape the conception.

CONFUCIUS SAYS - End of day is near when small men make long shadows.

A geneticist named Harold Lowth
Crossed a rooster with peanut butter from the south.
His friends did query
"And what did you get, Harry?"
"A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth".

When you think of it, there are only two things people need. You must have sex. You must have food. That's it. You don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and food. For some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a Republican. It’s like somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it. But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a goat, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, we'll have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper”.
Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork.
Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Oh my god. It's a pepperoni."
Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut."
Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states.
Supermarkets would check ID's and charge admission to the poultry section.
Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peek-a-boo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates.
Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.
Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister."
Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area.
Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Want to crack some crab?"
Fundamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet.
Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.
Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind.
Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.
Now, don’t tell me you aren’t going to get a little more kick out of your next meal! Don’t forget your condiments!

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Ontario.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Wawa is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Ontario.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Ontario
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Ontario.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Ontario.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Ontario.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Ontarian :
1. "Vacation" means going South past London for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
10. Down South to you means London
11. Your 1st. of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car
13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Ontario friends

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their facultiesOLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balanceOLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deletedOLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a partOLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wastedOLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become historyOLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiverOLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structuresOLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciateOLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another worldOLD ATOMS never die, they just decayOLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interestOLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loanOLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go battyOLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lapOLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribblingOLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz offOLD BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tiresOLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye awayOLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figuresOLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-printOLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutterOLD BRAKES never die, they just grind downOLD BRICKLAYERS never die, they’re just too busy making a kilnOLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesseOLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat acesOLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibusteredOLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste awayOLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal awayOLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidatedOLD CANNERS never die, they are preservedOLD CARD PLAYERS never die, they just lose their tricksOLD CARS never die, they just get run into the groundOLD CASHIERS never die, they just check outOLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their driveOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganicallyOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to reactOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxesOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just reach equilibriumOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that wayOLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucketOLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decomposeOLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memoryOLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, their computers have Fatal ErrorsOLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dustOLD COOKS never die, they just get derangedOLD COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing itOLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expireOLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled overOLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for sixOLD DANCERS never die, they just step awayOLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouragedOLD DEANS never die, they just lose their facultiesOLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pullOLD DIETERS never die, they just waist awayOLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom timeOLD DIVERS never die, they just get boardOLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patienceOLD DRYWALLERS never die, they just hang aroundOLD EDITORS never die, they just go out of printOLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise timesOLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it HerzOLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contactOLD ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on...OLD ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and WhiteOLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycledOLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feetOLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghostOLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seedOLD FARMERS never die, they just spade awayOLD FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathersOLD FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limpOLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tiredOLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that wayOLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zoneOLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just kick offOLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucketOLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine awayOLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their coolOLD FROGS never die, they just croakOLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishesOLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retireOLD GENEALOGISTS never die, they just degenerateOLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalizeOLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolateOLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their driveOLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rezOLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mountOLD HAMS never die, they just get groundedOLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chipsOLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn AirOLD HIKERS never die, they just trail awayOLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that wayOLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goalOLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment awayOLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay loadedOLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine itOLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippeOLD INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign offOLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll overOLD JOCKEYS never die, they just go horseOLD JOE-KS never die, they just get retold by the youngOLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressedOLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it againOLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch outOLD KIDS never die, they just adulterateOLD KIDS never die, they just grow upOLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coilsOLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherentOLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appealOLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefsOLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check outOLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelvedOLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their referencesOLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just de-lightOLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go underOLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappearOLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they're just fooling themselvesOLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest termsOLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrateOLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangentOLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functionsOLD MECHANICS never die, they just lose their bearingsOLD MEDIUMS never die, they are just visiting their friendsOLD MERCENARIES never die, they find someone else to take their placeOLD MERCENARIES never die, they just go to hell to regroupOLD METEORS never die, they just burn upOLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their wheyOLD MINISTERS never die - they just go out to pastorOLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decomposeOLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played outOLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to barOLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-lineOLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayedOLD NURSES never die, they just get enematedOLD OPTOMESTRISTS never die, they just speculateOLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hootOLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peacesOLD PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmasOLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus homeOLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developingOLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz offOLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher planeOLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attractionOLD PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle itOLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drainOLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop outOLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zipOLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the typeOLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte itOLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompileOLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with lifeOLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bitsOLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memoryOLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addressesOLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurseOLD PROPANE TANKS never die, they just run out of gasOLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass awayOLD QUILTERS never die, they just go to piecesOLD QUILTERS never die, they just go under coverOLD RADIOS never die, they just stop receivingOLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derailOLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry upOLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little dinghyOLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoiseOLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commissionOLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principalsOLD SCIENTISTS never die, they just gravitateOLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kiltOLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marblesOLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the pointOLD SEERS never die, they just lose their visionOLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste awayOLD SHOEMAKERS never die, they just lose their soleOLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fastOLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goalOLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kickOLD SOLDIERS never die, young ones doOLD SOURDOUGHS never die, they just ferment awayOLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave inOLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temperOLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degradedOLD SURFERS never die, they just get boardOLD SWIMMERS never die, they just fall off their blocksOLD SWIMMERS never die, they just have a strokeOLD SYSTEM USERS never die, they just chdir to NULLOLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hidingOLD TAPE DISPENSERS never die, they just get used upOLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their classOLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringingOLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropyOLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get puncturedOLD TRASH never dies, they just bury itOLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identitiesOLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide awayOLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new PeterbiltOLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become patheticOLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsiveOLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come backOLD VINTNERS never die, they just ferment awayOLD VIOLINISTS never die, they just become unstrungOLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answeringOLD WANTS never die, they become needsOLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of timeOLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwindOLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind downOLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign foreverOLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorgedOLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballedOLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their gripOLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel overWALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation

Your New Conversion Table, explained: (some new some old – all cute)
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine? ! = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards? = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels? = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators? = Not 1 decision
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out into the Pacific. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the ocean. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick. Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer. However, before he hit it, a powerful voice from above said, "WAIT...REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL." He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the some force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, "WAIT...STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So he stepped back and took a practice swing. The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING." He did. Silence followed. Then the voice spoke out again. "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."
There was an advertisement in a small town newspaper's personals column that read, "Mark P., please contact me at once and bring with you three rings... engagement, wedding, and teething. And do I have news for you!! Peggy."

What's the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty-fifth wedding anniversary? Morning Sickness!

Roy had gone along for several years without once acquiring an important though temporary manifestation that is considered essential if one is to make love to one's wife. Then one day he was out in the fields and God knows what thoughts were running through his mind, for suddenly it came upon him, the aforementioned manifestation. Suspecting that it was a condition that might not endure for too long, he dropped everything and started running hard for the house.
He took a straight line, hit a haystack and sent the hay flying, collided with a cow and ran into the pump, but he scarcely slackened speed. He came roaring into the house, yelling to his wife Judy to get ready, but she was a trifle slow in her preparations, pausing to put a dab of toilet water back of her ears, and by the time she was ready his great urge had vanished. A lapse of five years, and once again he was in the fields, and Judy was in the kitchen coring apples. She happened to glance out the window just in time to see Roy once again racing toward the house. He hit the corner of the barn and bounced off, and then whammed into the cow again, but he kept running toward the house, waving his arms wildly and yelling something at the top of his voice, Judy couldn't hear him but naturally she assumed he was howling for her to get ready. This time she was efficient. She dashed into her bedroom and flung off her clothes and had jumped onto the bed by the time he had entered the house. Roy rushed down the hall and past the bedroom door, but in passing he glanced in, and then he turned back and took one look at Judy, and cried out: "My God, the house is on fire and this sex fiend wants to screw!"

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves. A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

There once was a man from Australia
Who had rather large genitalia
He said to his bride,
Don't try to hide
'Cause wherever you go I can nail ya'

There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth, her vagina
Her clitoris huge
She covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor.

What kind of cheese is made backwards? Edam. (‘Made’ backwards is ‘Edam’)
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. A couple of days later Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get off her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
There was a young student named Jones
Who reduced all maidens to groans
By his wonderful knowledge
Acquired in college
Of nineteen erogenous zones.

REALLY bad Halloween jokes:
Where do ghosts go out? Where they can get boooooo-ze and get sheet-faced. What did the mother ghost say to her kids in the car? Fasten your sheet belts. Why didn't the skeleton go to see a scary movie? He didn't have the guts. Why was the mummy so tense? Because he was all wound up. Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath. Why don't ghosts have bands? They get booooooooooed. What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes? A cereal killer. Who are some of the werewolves cousins? The whatwolves, the whowolves and the when wolves.
What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet! What's a Vampire's least favourite song? Another one bites the dust! What is a Skeleton's favourite song. Bad to the Bone What’s a ghost's favorite type of car? A Boo-ick Where do ghost go for fun? To the boo-vies What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Halloween? Can I have the keys to the broom tonight. Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? It raises their spirits. Why can't a Skeleton Lift Weights? He's all bone & no muscle. What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A necktarine What do skeletons say before eating? Bone appetite Why is it good to be a popular ghost? You have a lot of goul friends. How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? So long sucker! Why didn’t the skeleton go to the Halloween party? Because he had no body to go with. What is a ghost's favorite band? The Boos Brothers What did Dracula have for dessert? Whine & Ice scream What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost? You are the most booooooooo-tiful thing I have ever seen! What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking? A pumpkin patch!!! Where do vampires keep their money? The blood bank!!! What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes? They suck! They bite!

Some word definitions from Barbara Embry in Indiana.....
~ Intense: Where campers sleep
~ Kinship: Your brother's boat
~ Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer
~ Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
~ Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass
~ Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot
~ Midget: Center engine of a three-engine fast plane
~ Minimum: A very small mother
~ Misty: How golfers create divots
~ Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once
~ Nitrate: Cheapest price for calling long distance
~ Observatory: What George Washington asked his spies to do
~ Pandemonium: A housing development for pandas
~ Paradise: Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon
~ Paradox: Two physicians
~ Paraffins: Found on the sides of fish
~ Paralyze: Two untruths
~ Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
~ Pharmacist: A helper on the farm
~ Polynesia: memory loss in parrots
~ Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
~ Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy
~ Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep
~ Relief: What trees do in the spring
~ Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does
~ Sesame: A seed useful for opening caves
~ Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event
~ Skier: A person who jumps to contusions
~ Sleet: A slipcover
~ Stirrup: What you do with cake batter
~ Subdued: Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
~ Subsidy: A town underneath another town
~ Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them
~ Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official
~ Sweater: A garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly
~ Teenager: An adolescent whose hang-ups do not include his clothes
~ Teenagers: People who express their desire to be different by dressing alike
~ Tenure: A year after nineure
~ Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary
~ Thursday: How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day
~ Trapeziod: A device for catching zoids
~ Unabated: A fishhook without a worm
~ Valorous: A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater
~ Vanguard: A person who protects trucks
~ Violinist: A high-strung musician
~ Warehouse: What you ask when you are lost
~ Wholesale: Where a mole goes to buy a home.

The 80-year-old accused of rape was called Mort,
And the judge said, "Sir, you'll have to be tried in court."
But the jury was sympathetic,
Because Mort was sick, old, and pathetic,
And the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.

Alternate Uses For Brand Name Products
Achy muscles from a bout of the flu...Mix 1 tablespoon of horseradish in a cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil - for instant relief for aching muscles.Arthritis pain relief...Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.Boil cure...Cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.Broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine balm - a powerful antiseptic.Bruise healing...Soak a cotton ball in Heinz white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.Bug killer...If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409 cleaning liquid. Insects drop to the ground instantly.Burn salve...Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.Dog odor...Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.Ear mites...All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.Eyeglass protection...To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.Flea removal...Add a few drops of Dawn dish washing liquid to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.Hair balls from your cat...To prevent troublesome hair balls, apply a dollop of Vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose. The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass easily through the digestive system.Headache relief...Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately - without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."Puffiness under your eyes...All you need is a dab of Preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes. The hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the swelling instantly.Rust removal...Forget those expensive rust removers - saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.Skin blemishes...Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin, sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.Sore Throat...Mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.Splinter remover...Pour a drop of Elmers Glue all over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.Stuffy nose...Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.Toenail fungus...Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.Urinary tract infection...Dissolve two Alka-Seltzer tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly - even though the product has never been advertised for this use.

Proud to be Canadian
From the Toronto Star, April 18/2004 - Pay pensioners same as Refugees? New refugee plan eyes small cities March 11.
I think the effort to resettle refugees in smaller communities is an excellent effort. These refugees may find it easier to integrate into a smaller community especially if accompanied by some of their compatriots. I also found it interesting that the federal government provides a single refugee with a monthly allowance of $1,890.00 and each can also get an additional $580.00 in social assistance for a total of $2,470.00. This compares very well to a single pensioner who, after contributing to the growth and development of Canada for 40 to 50 years, can only receive a monthly maximum (and most retired employees never reach the maximum) of $1,012.00 in old age pension and Guaranteed Income Supplement. Maybe our pensioners should apply as refugees! Let's send this to all Canadians, so we can all be ticked off and maybe we can get the refugees cut back to $1,012.00 and the pensioners up to $2,470.00 and enjoy some of the money we were forced to submit to the Government over the last 40 or 50 years.
Some corny halloween jokes:Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road? It had no guts. How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray.What did Dracula say when he kissed his vampire girlfriend? Ouch.How do monsters tell their future? They read their horrorscope.What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? A fur coat that fangs around your neck. Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don't have any body to go out with. What do ghosts add to their morning cereal? Booberries... What do zombies like to eat at a cook out? Halloweenies... What is a vampire's favorite sport? Casketball... What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving... Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite... What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite... Ten Halloween Expressions that Sound Dirty but Aren't10. She's a goblin!9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack tonight.8. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.7. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.6. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.5. Let me see your big sack!4. Can I eat your Zagnuts?3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.2. You scared me stiff!!And the number one Halloween expression that sounds dirty, but isn't...1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor! Morris and Sadie were in a terrible accident in which Sadie's face was severely burned. The doctor told Morris that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So Morris offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his tuchas. Morris and Sadie agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at Sadie's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beautiful skin! One day, she was alone with Morris and she was overcome with emotion at this sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the nachas I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." There was an airplane that was going down. The pilot got on the intercom and said "If we get rid of some extra weight, we may be able to make it." They threw off all the luggage, but they were still sinking. He got on the intercom and said, "Unfortunately, we are going to have to start dismissing people. To be fair, we will go in alphabetical order by race, so when we call you, please step forward and jump out of the plane. "We will start with 'A' - African Americans". Nobody moved. "Alright then, 'B' - Blacks". Again nobody moved. "'C' - Colored people". Still nobody moved. There was one black family on the flight. The little boy said, "Mommy, why aren't we moving?" She said,"Honey, today we's Shvartzas".

Fans have noticed that Britney Spears' new Kabbalah-inspired Hebrew tattoo actually has the letters reversed, making it meaningless. It's proof once again of how hard it is to find a tattoo artist who graduated from a decent Hebrew School. - Jacob Novak November 2nd has been declared "National Celebacy Day" ... No Bush - No Dick! The National Weather Service has issued a warning for yet another catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Ivan and Jeanne. The path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is therefore highly unpredictable. Experts predict that this one will cause the most damage to the United States that we have experienced in four years. They are naming this one Hurricane Kerry. Be advised, the only way for citizens to protect themselves is by hiding behind a Bush. Five days after election day, the 2004 presidential election was still too close to call. Neither Bush nor Kerry had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the manly way to settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. The contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Alaska. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification. At the end of the first day, Kerry returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Bush returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and, hopefully, he will catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day Kerry comes in with 20 fish and Bush comes in again with none That evening, Dick Cheney gets together secretly with Bush and says, "I think Kerry is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-bitch. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way." The next night, after Kerry comes back with 50 fish, Cheney says to Bush, "Well, what about it -- is Kerry cheatin?'" "He sure the hell is," Bush says. "The sonofabitch is cuttin' holes in the ice!" The Pope is visiting Washington D.C. and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when all of a sudden, the Pope's Zucchetto (hat) blows off his head and out onto the water. Secret Service guys start to launch a boat but President Bush waves them off saying "Wait, wait, I'll take care of this, don't worry." Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over, picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence. The next morning, Dan Rather from CBS News reports: "BUSH CAN'T SWIM" HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "George W. Bush". 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush?" 6. Click "Yes". 7. Feel better.
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we'd probably all still be in paradise. They would have eaten the snake and not the apple. A brilliant scientist announced his latest invention as a miracle fabric to be used for the manufacturing of brassieres. This fabric would prevent breasts from bouncing or jiggling, and would not reveal when nipples were extended. He launched the new product at a well-attended press conference, however as he left the building, 162 irate men beat the living shit out of him. The other day I came home from work and was greeted by my wife dressed only in very sexy underwear, and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, I tied her up and went golfing. Said a horrid old hag, "Look here honey I know that I’m wrinkled and funny, But get me in bed With a sack on my head And I’ll give you a run for your money".

Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene spray called SSY? Why SSY, you ask. Because that's what you have left after you take the PU out of pussy. Boston sports teams are like men in relationships: The Patriots are like the new boyfriend that you really like- he's awesome but almost too good to be true, so you worry. The Bruins are like the guy that you just casually dated and you don't really care about him, he's just something to do. The Celtics are like the marriage that was great at one time but has lost its spark and you always kinda look back and think about how great it was. And the Sox are the hard core abusive husband who just absolutely beats the crap out of you, but day after day you always go back to him cause you always believe that tomorrow will be different and you just love him too much. Go Red Sox! Well hell must have frozen over cause the Sox finally did it after 84 years. (Maybe there’s still hope for the Leafs) A Newfie, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Newfie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Newfie took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Newfie had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Newfie started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" Starbucks announced this week that from now on new employees will be required to go through 32 hours of training. The first hour Starbucks employees learn how to make a cup of coffee. Then the next 31 hours they learn how to charge $4 with a straight face. What's the difference between New Bruswick and Newfoundland? In New Brunswick, Moosehead is a beer. In Newfoundland it's a misdemeanour. At the bookstore/coffee shop, I flipped through a book on Japanese history, while waiting for a friend to join me. There were many drawings of old woodcuts, mainly - of courtesans and their employers in a variety of contorted positions. I marveled at how these women were able to arrange their bodies in such fantastic positions. I didn't have time to read the text, but undoubtedly what I was looking at was the ancient Japanese art of whoreagami. The newlyweds went on a cruise for their honeymoon and found themselves shipwrecked on an island where a tribe of cannibals lived. Nevertheless, the inhabitants were very welcoming. In fact, when they found out the couple had just been married, the cannibals threw a party. They toasted the bride, then barbecued the groom. There's no business like show business; but there's no job like a blowjob. What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M. Then there was the masochistic homosexual who was sucker for punishment. There was a young girl from Australia Who painted her arse like a dahliaThe picture was fineAnd the colour devineBut the scent on the whole was a failure. Dating two sisters is a pretty hard task, especially when they both live in the same convent. -Derek Winsworth
Shamus and Mick are looking all over town for work and finally see a sign on a lumber yard gate, "Tree Fellers Wanted".Shamus starts to go in, but Mick calls him back and says, "There's no point applying, there's only two of us!"

Have you ever noticed that retired couples have reached a level of maturity where they never have any of those piddling little quarrels that other people do? They have one big argument that starts at seven in the morning and goes right through till bedtime. Thongs have taken an about-face since the 60’s. Now a guy goes into a drug store and shouts, "Give me a box of condoms!" ... and then whispers to the clerk, "Oh, and slip in a pack of cigarettes, too." There's a rumor circulating around the fast food industry that "Hooter's" is going to open a new division selling basically the same food menu, and employ a similar staff and concept, but for home delivery. They plan on calling the new operation "Knockers". Back in the 1860s, when Canada's founding fathers gathered to discuss and plan independence from England, the issue of what to call this new country naturally came up. One of the founding fathers really liked what the neighbours to the south did and pitched the idea. "USA is simple. It's catchy. It works. How about if we put the letters of the alphabet in a hockey helmet, pull out three, and that's our name. What do you think, eh?" Everyone liked the idea and approved. So the 26 letters of the alphabet went into a helmet, and one of the founding fathers picked the three letters. He read them off as he picked them. "C, eh......N, eh.......D, eh" What word looks the same upside down and backwards? SWIMS At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime." "Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99." The manager thought for a moment and then raised his megaphone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?" It was so hot out Friday afternoon, a young woman didn't want to leave Shadow, her 120 pound Giant Schnautzer in the car while she went into the bank to get a cashier's check, so she decided to take him in with her. As she entered the bank lobby with the dog on a leash, she noted the bank guard's startled reaction to her large wooly friend and asked him if it was okay to bring Shadow into the bank. He responded, eyeing the animal apprehensively, "Yes, I suppose so, just as long as he doesn't make any deposits."
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES." Toward the end of the service, he asked his congregation "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" This time about 80% held up their hands. He then repeated the question for a third time. All responded, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" inquired the preacher, "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any" she replied smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three" she replied. "Oh, Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson you are to all of us. Would you please come to the front of this congregation and tell us how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the entire congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up. It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening. But what about sex afterward? asked her friends. Oh, that was perfect too. . . . Charley was too tired!
Jennifer's big formal wedding was fast approaching and she was delighted to hear that her Mom, Sheila, emerging from a nasty divorce, had finally found the perfect mother-of-the-bride dress. Two days later, she was shocked to learn that her new young stepmother, Fawn, had purchased the same dress. She asked her stepmother to buy another dress since her Mom had already altered her purchase. Fawn refused. After two more weeks of frustrating shopping, then Sheila founda dress that was not as nice as the first, but would serve. When asked by a friend what she would do with her original dress, she grinned and replied, "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat. "I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. "If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" "You'll be fatter than that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, but do you know me?" And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've been doing..."
US election left-overs:A new poll shows that 60% of Americans are "very upset" because they believe neither Bush nor Kerry will be the clear winner on election day. The other 40% are even more upset because they believe either Bush or Kerry will be the clear winner on election day. - Jake Novak President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs... like India, or Thailand, or China. - Jay Leno In the 2002 race for Michigan Attorney General the two candidates are Republican Mike Cox and Democrat Gary Peters. My wife and I had been discussing the upcoming elections, and a political ad came on my TV praising Cox's firearms stance and NRA support and booing Peters' gun control platform while she was in the kitchen fixing dinner. I yelled out to the kitchen, "Which do you prefer Cox or Peters?" Her reply was, "Neither, I have a headache." Let's face it. The presidential debates are a nuisance. But for whatever reason, most television networks feel obliged to carry them. So stop your whining and make the best of a bad situation and plan ahead for the 2008 election with the Presidential Debate Drinking Game. All you have to do is line up your favorite beverage and pick a candidate then let the game begin:Every time the President says the word "safer," take a drink.If he uses the word "democracy" in the same sentence, make it a double.Every time his opponent makes a reference to the UN, have a drink.If the President uses the phrase "compassionate conservative," you must chug your entire beverage.Take one drink for every three times his opponent points with his left hand.If either one exceeds the time limit for any response, take a drink.Back-to-back offenses require a double shot and a NoDoz.A reference by your candidate to any of the following requires one drink:1) Taxes or tax cuts2) Social Security3) Insurance4) Education5) The American peopleAnd for an exciting twist on the game, anytime anybody mentions the word "Vietnam," everybody has to take a drink.In this game, everyone's a winner. At worst, you'll reach the end of the debate experiencing a warm, pleasant buzz. But if you're really lucky, you'll pass out by 10 o'clock and won't have tolisten to the closing statements.
Why Kerry lost!!! Or, as Mark Twain said, "Nobody ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the American people."
And then they voted :
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
And then she voted.
I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an Individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific.."
And then he voted.
So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." And then she voted.
I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher was talking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on the battlefield to burst enemy soldier's chests. One Individual in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid! Why don't they just wear headphones?"
And a few years later, he voted.
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
And then she voted.
I was hanging out with a real liberal friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apartno matter which way the head is turned. And then she voted.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" And then she voted.
How to avoid the flu:
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR .... You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So...... I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you!!!! There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can't imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me how to have sex! Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy? He did okay until his business fell off.
Down home on the Rock, Newfie Pat was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Mick's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Pat because he knew that Mick didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Mick about it. "Hey Mick," said Pat, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine." Mick replied, "Yup, and they're boat for sale, eh." The big difference between sex for money and sex for free, is that sex for money costs less. I bet living in a nudist colony took all the fun out of Halloween.
Many of those who rely on body language need to improve their vocabularies. Some say men quickly fall asleep after having sex only because they've been up half the night begging for it. Growing up in a Catholic high school, Bill was advised by the priests that every time he thought about the opposite sex, he should take a cold shower to fight temptation. Now twenty-two, he has taken so many showers that every time it rains, he gets an erection. The difference between secretaries and wives - secretaries get a little behind at work; wives get a big behind at home. A Woman's Prayer....Dear Lord,I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;Love to forgive him;And Patience for his moods.Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,I'll beat him to death.AMEN Jill asked her ex-husband to go to the hospital with her to visit a sick friend. He refused because hospitals are full of people with all kinds of stuff wrong with them and he might get sick! So Jill said, "Well, you once went with me to a meeting at our daughter's school, and you didn't get smart, now did you?" There was a young lady from CheshireWho succumbed to her lover's desireShe said, "It's a sin,But now that it's in,Could you shove it a few inches higher?" After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called. "In whose favour?" Like the song says, there are fifty ways to leave your lover, but getting caught in bed with her sister is pretty foolproof and makes for a much shorter list. "I once made love for an hour and five minutes. It was on the day you push the clocks ahead." - Garry Shandling Signs You're Not the Sexual Marvel You Once Were: by Chris White
"Standing tall and proud" now means that you can get out of a chair without assistance and straighten your back.
Pfizer's annual report thanks you personally.
Your favorite number has changed from 69 to 401K.
These days, you get winded just turning down the blanket.
"Five times in one night" now means that your overactive bladder syndrome is acting up again. All John asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Jill haughtily rebuffed him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!" "Well," John replied with sarcasm, "how about on your last date?" Personals Ads That Just Won't Work:
- Bitter, disillusioned man, lately rejected by long-time fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
- Heavy drinker, 35. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
- Ginger haired man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
- Single man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM. A recent survey asked married people if they had cheated on their spouse and 26 percent said yes. The other 74 percent asked where they could meet the 26 percent. Dear Lois, So sorry about the black eye, the fat lip, the fractured jaw and the three teeth that broke, but thanks for the BJ! -Clark Kent The professor of an economics class asked for an example of unremunerative outlay of capital. One student replied, "Taking one's sister out to dinner and the movies." London Underground Driver Announcements. Those of you who suffer the underground will find this a laugh, it's a list of actual announcements that Tube train drivers have made to their passengers.
- "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
- "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
- "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
- "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
- "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
- "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
- "We are now traveling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about things like that"
- "Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the driver..."
- 'We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the door' 'let the passengers off the train FIRST!'
He gave up...
'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.' Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.
- "to the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand." Dangerfield memories – a tribute to a funny man. -"When I was on the road, I stayed in really run down hotels. One night I called down to the front desk and said, 'I gotta leak in my sink.' They said, 'Go ahead'". -"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!" -"Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide.' He told me to pay in advance." -I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." -I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie. -My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right, you're ugly too!" -"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor, so they sent a priest to talk to me. He said, "On your mark. . ." -"I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin." -"I was such an ugly baby, when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother." When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through." -When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" -"I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend." -I was such an ugly baby, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot! -"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it." -"One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh." -"Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H." -"Oh, when I was a kid I was poor. We were so poor, when my father died, they asked my mother, 'Paper or plastic?' " -"My uncle's dying wish, he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair." -"I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel." -"My wife is such terrible cook, even the flies pitched-in to have the hole fixed in the screen door." -"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." -"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday." -"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West." -I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. -I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. -Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch. -I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back! -When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again." -Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room. -With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave. -What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm! -I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get. -My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! -One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on to me. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida. -I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." -My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. -My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens. -My mother had morning sickness after I was born. -My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. -When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. -One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control. -I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. -Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide." -When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. -I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face. -Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! -I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette. -One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! -This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me. -I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me. -My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. -It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! -My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate." -Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. -A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home! -A hooker once told me she had a headache. -I went to a massage parlor. It was self service. -If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all. -I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now." -I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. -I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. -I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her. -I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it. -I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard! -I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife. -My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. -One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early." -And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

There is a head-on collision on the highway 10 near Palm Springs and two young men vacationing from Boston are killed and end up in Hell. The next day, the Devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in warm clothes with a heavy coat, ski cap and mittens warming themselves around the fire. The Devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you here in Hell?" One of the men answers, "You know the weather has been quite warm in Southern California and we would have expected it to be as least as worm here." This gets the Devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The next morning, people are wailing and screaming every where because of the intense heat. He rushes to the room with the two guys and finds them dressed as they were before still sitting by the fire and seeming to have a good time. The Devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself." "Well, actually it is more comfortable than the heat wave we were having back in California," is the response. Now the devil is now absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. "No matter how hot I make it, these men seem very comfortable. They must be comfortable because they are used to the heat," he decides. "I'll fix them. I'll turn the heat completely off." The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging every where, people are shivering unable to get themselves warm. The Devil smiles and rushes to the room with the two lads. When he gets there, he finds them still dressed in their winter clothes but now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad. The Devil is dumb-founded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're even more happy. What is wrong with you two? The Bostonians look at the Devil and answer, "Hell is frozen over. That means that the Red Sox have won the World Series!"
Dead Arafat Sketch:(Monty Python fans will recognize this as a parody (parroty?) of their infamous Dead Parrot sketch. Whether at the time of reading, Arafat is still dead or back from the dead or finally dead, it doesn’t matter this is still a good send-up.)PALESTINIANS: I wish to complain about this terrorist that took all our money.FRENCH DOCTORS: Oh yes, the, uh, the Nobel Prize winner. What's wrong with him?PALESTINIANS: I'll tell you what's wrong with him. "He is dead". That's what's wrong with him!FRENCH DOCTORS: No, no, "Mr. Arafat is not dead."...he's resting.PALESTINIANS: Look, froggy, I know a dead terrorist when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.FRENCH DOCTORS: No no he's not dead, he's, he's resting! Remarkable terrorist, the Nobel Prize winner, isn't he? Beautiful haberdashery!PALESTINIANS: The headwear don't enter into it. He's stone dead.FRENCH DOCTORS: Nononono, no, no! He's resting!PALESTINIANS: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! "Hey, Yasser! We've been given the Right of Return if you can just wake up...FRENCH DOCTORS: There, he moved!PALESTINIANS: No, he didn't, that was you hitting his bed!FRENCH DOCTORS: I never!!PALESTINIANS: Yes, you did! Hey Yasser!!!!! Testing! Testing! Yasser, the Jews all packed up and left Jerusalem last night! Yasser!PALESTINIANS: Now that's what I call a dead terrorist.FRENCH DOCTORS: No, no.....No, he's stunned!PALESTINIANS: Stunned?FRENCH DOCTORS: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Nobel Prize winners stun easily.PALESTINIANS: Now look. I've had enough of this. You assured me that his total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged bout of terrorizing. Look, I took the liberty of examining that terrorist when he was in the Gaza Stripe, and I discovered the only reason that he was still alive in the first place was that he was too scared to actually martyr himself.FRENCH DOCTORS: Well, of course he couldn't strap on a suicide vest himself! If he had done that, Allah would have given him so many virgins, there wouldn't be any left over for the rest of you!PALESTINIANS: Virgins?!? Doc, this terrorist wouldn't know what to do with a woman if you put four million of em in front of him! He's passed on! This terrorist is no more! He has ceased to be! He''s expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life. He rests in peace! THIS IS AN EX-TERRORIST!
Just a couple more items to reflect the aftermath of the U.S. political morass….and speaking of more ass…..

Okay, the election’s all over now, so lets be friends. I'm a Democrat and you're a Republican so, I'll pet your Elephant and you can kiss my Ass.

A secret declaration from Buckingham Palace:
To the citizens of the United States of America.
In the light of your failure to elect a worthwhile President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves properly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America, without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
You will see posters announcing Four More Years - this sentence has been passed in secret on George W Bush and certain members of his radical group. He is lucky not to be hung, drawn and quartered or banished to Scunthorpe.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. Ask any aborigine.
4. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as the good guys and serve fish and chips in all cinemas. Look up the
word "cinema" pronounced with soft "c".
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as World "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls - it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a commercial every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like girliemen nancy boys in a failing discotheque). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. By the way, "merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you our German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation - and enjoy the nice weather.
Queen Elizabeth Regina. (Look up the word "regina" - it's not what you think.)

It's true that George Bush is a tolerant man and that he is planning on being more socially liberal in his second term. He has acknowledged the rights of homosexuals and believes they have an important place in our society. He is going to start by asking Congress to pay for adding more closets to all public buildings under the Americans with Disabilities act.
The concession speech Kerry might have wanted to give:My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession. [Boos, groans, rending of garments]I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff, and I didn't see it. So let me take a momentto congratulate the President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy...Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that. [Boos.] Now, now. Credit where it's due.I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do. [Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very much.There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was this:We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em.We in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of thewar on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!"More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that. It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same.And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be no pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking contempt for my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite," and the "white-wine sippers." This time I will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They don't.So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads.Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help your smug, sorry asses. Thank you, and may God, if she does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.

In recent negotiations for influenza vaccine between a Canadian health official and an American representative, it was clear that there was a disconnect between the American government's sudden reliance on Canada for influenza vaccine despite the fact that the U.S. wants to discourage Americans from buying routine prescription drugs from Canadian pharmacies. Not seeing the irony in the request, the American continued to press for the vaccine and then demanded to know why the United States would be charged for the vaccine when Canadians get theirs "for free." The Canadian official replied, "Oh it's not free, the government pays for it." "Well then," the American replied, "How much will it cost us?" The Canadian replied, "We'll send you the vaccine and the invoice by cow." The frustrated American replied, "This is urgent, and you’re sending it to us by cow?" The Canadian official replied, "Twenty vials of vaccine will be tied around the neck of every cow that passes over the border. Now, if you want faster delivery, we have softwood lumber trucks available..."

Fortune Cookie Message: "You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products."
Don't be jealous if your neighbor has a nicer house than you do; it may help when you go to sell.

For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says, "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

I wonder if other women feel the same way as I do? An argument with my husband/boyfriend tends to make me want to clean something really dirty...With his toothbrush!

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked. "I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

Most women like wearing black panties because it’s their way of saying, "In memory of those who were buried here"

My wife used to have an hourglass figure. Now she has more like an hour and a half. I think she has a little too much time on her ass.

Philosophy of Not Doing Housecleaning
1. I don't do windows because I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.2. I don't wax floors because I am terrified a guest will slip & hurt themselves. I'd feel terrible and they may sue me.3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.4. I don't disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to have a home of their own.5. I don't Spring Clean because I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.6. I don't plant a garden because I don't want to get in God's way. He is an excellent designer.7. I don't put things away because my husband will never be able to find them again.8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.9. I don't iron because I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".10. I don't stress much on anything because "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!

Did you hear about this? At a press conference, Jessica Simpson defended her sister Ashlee's lip-synching blunder on Saturday Night Live but Jessica did admit she didn't actually see the show because she didn’t know what day it was on. - Jay Leno

The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news: I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning. Of course, I was excited, but that didn't stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research. "Why?" asked the chairman. "Because," I said, "our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don't want be known as VP of CRAP."

"My wife finally convinced me to sign what's called a living will. It's a document that gives her the right, if I become attached to some mechanical device, to terminate my life. So yesterday, I'm on the exercise bike, and..." - Jonathan Katz

Bill Clinton's Presidential library will be opening next month. A spokesman said Mr. Clinton wants the building to be an interactive center for young Americans -- kind of like his Oval Office was.- Jay Leno

Jack told a friend that he had just lost his job. "Why did the foreman fire you?" the friend asked in surprise. "Oh," Jack said, "you know how foremen are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.""We all know that," replied his friend. "But why did he let you go?" "Jealousy," answered Jack. "All the other workers thought I was the foreman."

Most men are looking for a particular kind of woman. They should be looking for the kind of woman who is not particular.

A new government study says that U.S. airlines are spending $350 million a year more in extra fuel because passengers are so fat. Isn't that incredible? We're so fat that now our planes are having a hard time getting airborne. What's next?When the plane has to make a turn, the pilot is going to have to ask everyone to lean over on one butt cheek?! - Jay Leno

Down in Arkansas, workmen are putting the finishing touches on the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. Presidential library?It's really just a Hooters with a magazine rack. - Jay Leno

Mr. Johnson had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His appointment was for 9:00 and it was nearly 10:30. Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door and said, "Let's go get a room." "Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said, "but I've been waiting so long I'd hate to lose my spot now!"

The hygienic young miss from out west
Ask the cowboy who sat on her chest
"Will cum cause decay?"
No m'am I've heard say
It's the secret ingredient of Crest
What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight!

(This was my late father-in-law’s favourite Limerick and he recited it often and with great relish, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I always enjoyed him enjoying it!)
There once was a fellow named Skinner,
Who took a lady to dinner to winner,
At half-passed nine,
They started to dine,
At half-passed ten, it was inner.
NOT SKINNER,
The dinner was inner,
Skinner was inner before dinner!!

The Most Functional English Word
Well, it's shit...that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. Consider:
You can get shit-faced, be shit out of luck or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between Shit and Shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit, not give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shits creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit. Or not do so, If you don't give a shit!
Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do Give A Shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit head........Well, shit happens!

And that would segue to…
SHIT HAPPENS! (and HOW!)
Statistician: There is a 98.9 chance that shit will happen.
Einstein: Shit is relative.
Chemist: I hope this shit doesn’t blow up.
Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Mafia boss: Rub the shit out.
Accountant: Why doesn’t this shit add up?
Waitress: You want fries with that shit?
Lawyer: For a price I can get you out of any shit you want.
Psychiatry: That’s a shitty outlook.
Weight Clinics: You have to flush that shit from your system.
Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens one day at a time.
Constipated: Shit doesn’t happen
Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and keeps going, and going, and going.
Confucianism: Confucius says, “Shit happens.”
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Catholicism: If shit happens you deserve it.
Protestantism: There’s good shit and bad shit.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Agnosticism: You can’t prove any of this shit.
Vegetarianism: If it shits don’t eat it!
Existentialism: Shit doesn’t happen, shit is.
Communism: It’s everybody’s shit.
Fatalism: Same shit. Different day.
Zoroastrianism: Zorro’s tree has shit from his ass.
Nihilism: NO SHIT!

A couple of oldie goldies:

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment-chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant she opens her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?" The older man replies, "No problem, just get that damned lion out of the way."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... Baptism is referred to as "branding".You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Hea!"

Morty and Sylvia finally sell their big house on Long Island and move to fancy digs in Boca. They're on their way out to dinner, when Sylvia comes into the living room and asks her husband, "Darling, do you think this Chanel suit is OK, or should I wear my beaded Oscar de la Renta dress?" Morty barely looks up from the TV and says indifferently "Wear whatever you like, darling. You look lovely in either." Ten minutes later, she's back. "Should I wear my diamond earrings or the emerald and sapphire ones you bought me for my birthday?" "Either one," he mumbles with growing impatience. Soon she's back, modeling shoes. "Should I wear these Gucci sandals or the Ferragamos?" "Enough already!" says Morty angrily, "If you don't get your act right now, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special!"

A Christian girl in love with a Jewish guy agrees to change her religion. She goes to a Rabbi for instruction.
Rabbi: "You will learn how to light the candles, keep two sets of dishes, keep a kosher home, and a few other simple things."Girl: "That sounds easy to me. I can do that."Rabbi: "The last thing is, you must go to a mikvah."Girl: "Mikvah, what's that?"Rabbi: "It's a pool of water and you must immerse yourself completely for a few seconds."Girl: "I'm sorry, I have a phobia about putting my head underwater. I'll go in the pool but I can't put my head under water. Will that be all right?"Rabbi: "That will be okay. You will be mostly Jewish but you will still have a 'Goyisha kup'."

Traditional Jews versus Reform JewsTraditional: Farm animal must be killed by ritual slaughterer using a sharply honed knife that must nothave a single nick on its blade.Reform: Farm animal must be told that it has the right to an attorney.Traditional: Will not combine meat with milk.Reform: Will not combine meat with chocolate milk.Traditional: One set of dishes for meat, another set for dairy.Reform: One set of dishes exclusively for cheeseburgers.Traditional: Hire "shabbos goy" to perform religiously prohibited tasks.Reform: Hire "Orthodox Jew" to perform religiously required tasks.Traditional: Try to concentrate on prayers, achieve sense of being in the presence of the divine.Reform: Try to figure out when to stand up, when to sit down, and what page everyone is on.Traditional: Women required to sit in synagogue balcony, apart from men.Reform: Women and men sit together, davening suggestively.Traditional: Strong disapproval of women rabbis.Reform: Strong disapproval of topless women rabbis.

What is the difference between a non-Jewish woman and a Jewish woman? A non-Jewish woman urges her husband to take Viagra. A Jewish woman urges her husband to buy stock in Pfizer.

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket. Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny." He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?" Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

What is the difference between girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58,68and 78?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
At 78 - What story???? What bed??? Who are you???

A Day At The Computer Help Desk:
- Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one...- Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left?- Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...- Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer? Customer: Aaaah...thank you.- Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.- Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...- Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!- Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?- A customer couldn't get on the internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars.- Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.- Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!- Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem? Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?- Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK,! and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?- Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and .. Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!

While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oil rig, the helicopter lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the water. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. "Don't jump!" the pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float!" As the man leapt from the helicopter into the water, he yelled back, "Yeah, and the damn thing is supposed to FLY too!"

Ornithologists have discovered a new breed of duck called the brown nosed duck. He can fly just as fast as the other ducks in the formation but can't stop as fast.

It's odd how "economy size" means large in a bar of soap and small in a car.

On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of pregnancy are often masked by obesity. In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman, the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted the aid of two nurses who wrapped the woman's legs in sheets and pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a chair between her legs and made his diagnosis: "You're pregnant," he said. "But how you got that way without two sheets and a chair is beyond me." The patient replied, "You know, you're not the first short-dick man to tell me that."

I wish to complain - the instructions on your deodorant were very misleading. I followed your instructions on a stick of deodorant to the letter: 'Take Off Top, Push Up Bottom', and was left semi-naked in some not inconsiderable pain. And it didn't help my perspiring. Now I understand my error, but it's time that the writers of these instructions take responsibility for the resulting actions. The slogan on the front - 'Sure Wont Let You Down', was correct, I was unable to sit down all morning.

There was a young sailor named Fred.
Who once took a mermaid to bed.
He said, “To be blunt,
I can't find your cunt,
So why don't you blow me, instead!"

I’m not much for pills, but I'm taking that new Ginkgo-Viagra just ‘cause I want to remember what sex was like.

As I'm sure you know, John Ashcroft has stepped down from his position As Attorney General. He says he wants to spend more time not dancing with his wife. Commerce Secretary Don Evans has also resigned. Evans said he didn't want to resign, but when your country doesn't have any commerce, you don't need a secretary. So that's two major cabinet positions that have left. That's pretty amazing! Actually two people in the Bush administration have an exit strategy! - Jay Leno

Here's another heartwarming 'oldest mom' story. Did you see this woman in New York City? A woman gave birth to twins just three days shy of her 57th birthday. She named them 'Oh My God' and 'What the Hell Was I Thinking?!' The nice thing is she can now breastfeed the kids without even picking them up. - Jay Leno
Syndicated radio host Neal Boortz on the passing of Yassir Arafat: "You're not supposed to say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good."
Arafat's wife was seen grieving today in the West Bank. She was also in the Citibank, the Mellon Bank, the Wells Fargo Bank. - Jay Leno

New wine for the elderly ! Vintners in the Napa Valley who produce primarily Pinot Blancs and Pinot Grigios have developed a new hybrid grape, which acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night. They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.

A stand-up comedian from ‘up north’ was working a tough crowd at a comedy club in Atlanta. After making several disparaging remarks about things ‘southern’, he remarked on how southerners seem to punctuate almost every statement with “Fuckin’ A”. One of the rednecks in the crowd decided to goad him a little and started say “Fuckin’ A” then “Fuckin’ B” then C, D, etc. after each punch line. When he reached "Fuckin’ J", the comedian turned on him and asked, "What are you doing, going through the whole goddamned alphabet?" That's when an even redder neck shouted out, "NO, he ‘s just working his way up to "Fuckin’ U!"

I thought it very gratifying to hear that a new survey shows most American teens are spending a lot more time with their parents. I felt somewhat less so when I discovered that it's because in this economy, they're all working weekends together at McDonald's.

The new universal cure!
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set 5 minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a splash of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a 16-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour 1/2 cup vodka and 1/2 cup water in a freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, reusable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes...
10. Fill a clean, empty jar with freshly packed lavender flowers. Fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly, and set it in the sun for 3 days. Strain liquid, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. Make your own mouth wash by mixing 9 tablespoons powered cinnamon with 1 cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container for 2 weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and rinse your mouth. (DON'T SWALLOW!)
12. Using a cotton swab, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out. If blister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.
13. To treat dandruff, mix 1 cup vodka with 2 teaspoons crushed rosemary. Let sit 2 days, strain through a coffee filter, massage into your scalp and dry.
14. To treat an earache, put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let sit for a few minutes, then drain. Vodka will kill the bacteria causing pain in your ear.
15. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
16. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
17. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
18. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
19. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
And, my personal favorite...
20. If all else fails,just turn the bottle upside-down and drink it. Then nothing else will matter anyway.
The Vodka Distillers Association Of America

Finally! News from the hockey front.
Prime Minister Martin today announced that the federal government will take over the National Hockey League and run it as a "sacred trust, just like health care." The announcement came as pressure mounted for the government to do something to end the current NHL shutdown. "No Canadian should be deprived of NHL hockey during hockey season," Martin said. "We will take over the NHL and run it in the public interest, just like we run the government of Canada." In an hour-long news conference, the prime minister outlined reforms to the national game that his government will present to an emergency session of Parliament next week."To protect the NHL from further Americanization, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman will be fired and replaced immediately by Governor-General Adrienne Clarkson," Martin said. Asked whether the Governor-General knew anything about hockey, Martin replied "Not much, but that Clarkson and 200 of her closest friends would be leaving immediately on a fact-finding tour to investigate hockey-government relations in Hawaii, Fiji and Monaco."To address long standing concerns about escalating violence in hockey, Martin said the government will increase the number of linesmen and referees to 12 per game, one official for each player on the ice. In addition, Canada's gun registry legislation will be amended to require all hockey sticks to be registered.Once nationalized, all NHL teams will be subject to federal government guidelines for gender equality, affirmative action, and non-discrimination in hiring. "Inability to skate, shoot, or pass," Martin said, "will no longer be a sufficient reason for denying any Canadian an opportunity to play in the NHL". Martin added that in future all NHL teams will also be required to abolish the position of "right wing" from their rosters. Asked why, Martin said it was necessary to increase support for hockey among union members, and to secure NDP backing for the NHL nationalization bill in Parliament.
The PM affirmed that "the great Canadian principle of equalization will be fully applied to our national game. The current distribution of NHL teams in Canada is unacceptable to this government - it violates the principle of regional equality for Alberta and Ontario to have two NHL teams each while some provinces have none. Commencing next season, the Toronto Maple Leafs will be moved to Fredericton and the Edmonton Oilers to Charlottetown."Martin declared the seating arrangements at NHL hockey rinks "unacceptable" as well. "We do not accept two-tier medicine in this country and we cannot accept multi-tier seating at hockey arenas. It's un-Canadian." Martin explained that former public works minister Alfonso Gagliano will be put in charge of a program to flatten the seating arrangements in all NHL arenas. Asked how spectators in the back rows would be able to see the game, Martin said the government is devising a plan for rotating spectators from back seats to front seats between periods. "It is our intention, in the interests of fairness, to ensure that any inability to see the game is fully equalized among all spectators," Martin said. "It's the Canadian way."In recognition of the principle of "asymmetric federalism," and to secure the support of the Bloc Quebecois for the nationalization measure, Martin also confirmed that the Montreal Canadians will be exempted from the proposed reforms.Finally, to pay for the nationalization program, the government's next budget will include a Fan Tax, an Ice Tax, a Puck Tax, a Stick Registration Fee and a new 115-per-cent income tax bracket for any hockey player making more money than the PM.
As we get older we may sometimes feel undervalued in this fast-paced world, but we shouldn’t lose self-esteem. We need only tote up our natural resources. We have more silver in our hair, more gold in our teeth, stones in our kidneys, lead in our feet and a steely disposition And I don’t know about you but I’m loaded with natural gas too!
Which kind of leads into the next article….

Everything You Wanted To Know About Farts- Where does fart gas come from?The gas in our intestines comes from several sources: air we swallow, gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, gas produced by chemical reactions in our guts, and gas produced by bacteria living in our guts.- What is fart gas made of?The composition of fart gas is highly variable. Most of the air we swallow, especially the oxygen component, is absorbed by the body before the gas gets into the intestines. By the time the air reaches the large intestine, most of what is left is nitrogen. Chemical reactions between stomach acid and intestinal fluids may produce carbon dioxide, which is also a component of air and a product of bacterial action. Bacteria also produce hydrogen and methane. But the relative proportions of these gases that emerge from our anal opening depend on several factors: what we ate, how much air we swallowed, what kinds of bacteria we have in our intestines, and how long we hold in the fart. The longer a fart is held in, the larger the proportion of boring, inert nitrogen it contains, because the other gases tend to be absorbed into the bloodstream through the walls of the intestine. A nervous person who swallows a lot of air and who moves stuff through his digestive system rapidly may have a lot of oxygen in his farts, because his body didn't have time to absorb the oxygen. Encyclopaedia Britannica offers the intriguing statement that some people's farts contain no methane. The reason for this is apparently unknown. Some researchers suspect a genetic influence, whereas others think the anomaly is due to environmental factors. However, all methane in any farts comes from bacterial action and not from human cells.- What makes farts stink?The odour of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulphide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulphur. The more sulphur-rich your diet, the more sulphides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.- Why do farts make noise?The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus.- How much gas does a normal person pass per day?On average, a person produces about half a litre of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odour as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.- How does a fart travel to the anus?One may wonder why fart gas travels downward toward the anus when gas has a lower density than liquids and solids, and should therefore travel upwards. The intestine squeezes its contents toward the anus in a series of contractions, a process called peristalsis. The process is stimulated by eating, which is why we often need to poop and fart right after a meal. Peristalsis creates a zone of high pressure, forcing all intestinal contents, gas included, to move towards a region of lower pressure, which is toward the anus. Gas is more mobile than other components, and small bubbles coalesce to from larger bubbles en route to the exit. When peristalsis is not active, gas bubbles may begin to percolate upwards again, but they won't get very far due to the complicated and convoluted shape of the intestine. Furthermore, the anus is neither up nor down when a person is lying down.- How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose?Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.- Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between farting and the time it starts to smell?Actually, the fart stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odour to travel to the farter's nostrils. If farts could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly, at the same time we hear them.- Is it true that some people never fart?No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death!
Do even movie stars fart?Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts.- Do men fart more than women?No, women fart just as much as men. It's just that most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart than men do.- Do men's farts smell worse than women's farts?Based on what I have experienced of women's farts, all I can say is that I hope not.- At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.- Why are beans so notorious for making people fart?Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips.The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog's digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog's bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.- What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don't. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.- Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.- Is it harmful to hold in farts?There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for people's health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distension of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much.- How long would it be possible to not fart?As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans-Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake!- Do all people fart in their sleep?I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don't think all people fart in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to fart when they're awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.- Where do farts go when you hold them in?How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such farts aren't really lost, just delayed.- How can one cover up a fart?There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odour of farts. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound... if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the fart. If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a fart.- Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the fart as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.- Is it really possible to ignite farts?The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you want to try it, and you don't have a friend to light your fart for you, you might find it easier to accomplish the job using the Fartlighter. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.- Why is it possible to burn farts?Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible aircraft.) Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.- Is it possible to light a match with a fart?No, even strike-anywhere matches have their limits, unless the fart has the consistency of sandpaper! Any fart that rough I would hesitate to call a fart. Also, farts have the same temperature as the body from which they emerge, and aren't hot enough to initiate combustion.

Banks have long printed cheques in a wide variety of colors and many with floral or scenic backgrounds. A modest-sized bank in California has gone a step further. Customers can now bring in a personal photograph or drawing and have it printed onto a standard cheque form. In spite of the higher cost, over five hundred customers signed up for the illustrated cheques. One imaginative and vindictive bank customer ordered special cheques he used for the sole purpose of making his alimony payments. They show him kissing his beautiful new wife.

My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local telephone office. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me. It was unclear as to who was next. When we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, "After you." I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you. I have all day." The old man said, "No. You go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."

In honour (maybe that should read ‘honor’) of our American friends we’ll start with a few Thanksgiving items: (It’s not just that the Internet is inundated with Americana, I also feel badly that I missed my opportunity to lambaste – so to speak - the Canadian turkey gobblers when I was in Israel)

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I’ve never been able to catch the darn thing!"

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190oF.
The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates.
Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.
During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34oF in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to the next two days, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.
Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.
We expect a warming trend where soup develops.
By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Just think - if the Pilgrims had shot a Bobcat instead of a Turkey, Americans would be eating Pussy for Thanksgiving.

Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."

Of course we all know the real reason American Thanksgiving was created – so Americans would know when to start shopping for Christmas!

I am thankful:
- For the wife who says it’s hotdogs tonight, because she is home with me and not out with someone else.
- For the husband playing couch potato on the sofa because he is home with me and not at a bar.
- For the teenager complaining about doing the dishes because that means she is at home and not on the streets
- For the taxes that I have to pay because that means I’m employed.
- For the mess to clean after a party because it means I was surrounded by friends.
- For the clothes that fit a little snug because it means I have enough to eat.
- For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
- For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
- For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech.
- For the parking spot at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.
- For my huge heating bill because it means my family is warm.
- For the lady behind me who sings off key because it means that I can hear.
- For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means we have clothes to wear.
- For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.
- For the alarm that goes off early in the morning because it means I am alive.
And finally, for too much e-mail because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.

Let's all give thanks, American or not.
Happy Thanksgiving!

CANADA BUSY SENDING BACK BUSH-DODGERS
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk." Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.
"We're going to have some Peter, Paul &Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out," he said.
If all other efforts fail, Canadian officials say they may be forced give the new liberal immigrants green cards and put them to work busing dishes in upscale Canadian restaurants.

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 5-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him. "Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 5-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 3-inches tall and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for me asshole, which is brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N."

On the very first night after the election, Dubya was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked the ghost, "President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised Washington. With all the excitement around the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," Jefferson answered. Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?," Bush asked. Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."

The other night on ABC's World News Tonight, Charles Gibson said that Condoleezza Rice is so in sync with the President that she can finish his sentences. That's really amazing when you realize even Bush can't do that. - Jay Leno

ABC apologized for its Desperate Housewives intro on Monday Night Football. FCC chair Michael Powell says sex is inappropriate for families who just want to watch players beat the hell out of each other.

A young woman goes to Greece for vacation. While on vacation, she meets a man. She calls her mother in America and says, "Mom, I really want to marry him." Her mother insists on checking his background to see if he's okay. She calls back several days later and says, "We've completed the check. This is definitely Mister Right. He comes from a good family with an impressive background. He owns vineyards and bottles his own wines. You have our blessing to marry him." After several years, her mother eventually visits her daughter in Greece. Her daughter tells her "I want a divorce." The mother is surprised at this. She asks "Why? From what you've told me, he doesn't abuse you. He never raises his voice to you. He provides you with everything you've ever asked for. Why could you possibly want a divorce?" "All he ever wants to do," the daughter says, "is to do me from behind. He butt fucks me. I'm telling you that if he fucked my pussy three times in five months, that's a lot. My butt hole has gone from the size of a dime to the size of a silver dollar." "But honey," the mothers says, "do you really want to get a divorce over 90 cents?"

A woman’s tale (tail?):
The first thing you should know is that hair removal is not my friend. The particular talent of removing unwanted hair has eluded me and - dare I say - become both my identifying trademark and downfall ("Hey, you know that chick Jen?" "Oh, you mean that girl two towns over that gave herself a mullet when she tried to cut some bangs? No, I don't know her. I've just heard.") True story. All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now . . The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think. So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire! With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. Yeah, it was a long strip. I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind! Blind from the pain! Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medalist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip? Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!" And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby." I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut. A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to shit anytime soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong. I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck to the tub. I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and pussy are stuck to the tub." She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass - "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth. "While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off! In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up. I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a moustache might start to come in. Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

These three men went into business together and the first one said, "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board." "I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer." "Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?" The chairman said,
"I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music." "That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but what does it mean?" "It means what when I want your fucking advice, I'll whistle."

A guy in a bar walks up to a gorgeous babe nursing a drink and says, "Hi, there, good looking, how's it going?" She, having already downed a few power drinks turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!" Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

Have you ever wondered what Swiss cheese might smell like if it were not ventilated?

President Bush said he will push to have a constitutional amendment stating that marriage is to be between a man and a woman. Bush said this is his mandate to prevent man-dates! - Jay Leno

A friend who works in the ER told me about a woman who came in with a cell phone shoved up her rectum! The woman said she and her husband were playing some "adult games." Well, it had to be either that, or she doesn't understand the meaning of phone sex.

In 1975, Paul Simon sang, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover." Today college students have the same problems.
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO: Especially when you share the same major!
PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
RELIGION: Each prays for reconciliation and/or curses God.
ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
THEATRE: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19 and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"
BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
ITALIAN: "Mama Mia!"
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body and conclusion, that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.
EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.
COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface" and/or "His hard drive was more like a floppy."
E. ENGINEER: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives and negatives, but..."
ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."
JEWISH STUDIES: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"
PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?
ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.
PHYS. ED: They punch each other out in frustration.
CHEMISTRY: They turn to hard drugs to relieve the pain.
COUNSELING: Each urges the other to "get help!"
MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in Tennessee, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.
LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.

A fellow from out near Pike's Peak,
Stood up in a large crowd to speak,
Got a tear in his eye,
When he noticed his fly,
Had been opened since he last took a leak.
(now we know why it’s called Pike’s Peak)

Ending a relationship is just like adjusting your underwear. You feel better when the creep is gone.

Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant? She blew it both times.

I just found out that my oldest daughter is academically number one in her class. And she was nominated for prom queen. Of course it's not that big a deal - she's homeschooled.

A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do in America with your older goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

Michigan, USA After spilling an iced coffee beverage onto his lap while driving from a local coffee shop drive-through, a Michigan man is now suing the shop for $800,000 in damages and mental anguish. The man claimed it was a "traumatic experience" that has negatively altered his life in many ways. He claims that he was unaware of the frigid temperature of his Ice Mocha or he would have taken better precautions with handling the beverage.The coffee shop owner said during our interview, "Anyone who doesn't know the temperature of a drink that has the word 'ice' in its name has much more important things to worry about than a moment of discomfort due to his own negligence. He sustained no physical harm, there were no damages to his vehicle or possessions except a brown stain on his pants, which I am sure is something he is used to."

Two pilots were discussing the merits of a twin-engine, propeller-driven aircraft undergoing service trails. "How does it handle?" asked the pilot who hadn't yet flown the new plane. "Oh, it’s not bad," was the reply. "How is it in asymmetric flight? One engine out?" After thinking for a moment, the other pilot replied, "That's where it becomes tricky. If one engine quits, the other engine immediately takes you to the scene of the crash."

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Sure, my friend Abacus is a bit socially awkward and dresses funny. But of all the people I know, he's the one I can always count on.

A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist. "That's it ! . . . I can never remember that word!!"

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

A frustrated wife told me the other day her definition of retirement: "Twice as much husband on half as much pay."

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers." - Woody Allen

Last winter a male friend was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancee called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to him. He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told him, "We'll wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"

During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here you can see the beautiful statue of Athena...". "Excuse me, madam," a visitor interjects. "Who is that man behind her? Is he her husband?" "No, Athena wasn't married. . . She was the goddess of wisdom."

I complained to my wife that even though we've been married thirty years she still corrects me every time I open my mouth. She replied, “Thirty-one years, darling.”

A church minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50." From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you 'that information' for only 50 cents?"

A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality. "I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us." "Why not?" asked her astonished mother. "Because," said the little girl, "that Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."

Unable to attend his father’s funeral in Newfoundland, Mike who lived far away called his brother Pat back home on the Rock and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, Mike got a bill for $150.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $150.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $150.00 kept arriving every month, and finally Mike called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said Pat, "You said to do something nice so I rented him a tuxedo to be buried in."

Bella was terribly upset. Her fiance, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling. She said to her mother, "I'm not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex." Her mother shrugged and said, "Don't listen to that fancy talk. I've watched Marvin and I tell you he's all right. Just look how much he loves his mother."

President Bush is visiting Canada this week. Since he took office in 2001, it's his first official visit to Canada. The President apologized for taking so long, but said this will complete his goal of visiting all fifty states. - Jay Leno
There was a woman out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable and hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shleves, this woman finally made it to the elevator with her two kids. She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year: Overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sends us a card. Finally the elevator doors opened--there was already a crowd in the car. This woman pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her along with all her bags of stuff. When the doors closed, she couldn't take it anymore and said out loud, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!" From the back of the elevator, a quiet calm voice responded, "Don't worry ma'am, I believe they crucified Him."

Santa's hot pickup line...I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

Some Steven Wrightisms:
- I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.- I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
- I went fishing with Rod Ewert. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.- I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."- I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."- I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"- I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."- I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.- I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.- I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.- I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.- I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
- I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
- I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.- I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.- I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."- I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.- I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.- I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>. I go down to the pet store - "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."- I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.- I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.- I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.- I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.- I had amnesia once or twice.- I had my coathangers spayed.
- I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.- I had to stop driving my car for a while - the tires got dizzy.- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.- I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Yasir’s Last Will and Testicle
I, Yasir Arafat, leader of the Palestinian people, being of corrupted mind and runty filthy little body do bequeath the following: - To my wife Suha I leave all the jewelry, purchased with United Nations relief funds, stashed in safe deposit boxes throughout The Grand Caymans, The Channel Islands and the First Syrian Bank of Damascus. - To the Mullahs in Iran I leave the anthrax, nail-filled vests and detonators stashed away in the basement of my estate on the West Bank. - I want the $880 million in cash hidden away in my Swiss bank accounts to be divided equally between Suha and the United Nations Security Council. Both bent over and let me have my way with them though, each, in their own special way. My beloved Suha put up more of a struggle then Kofi, but he has had much more experience in "bending over" for murderous thugs. It was Suha's first time "back there". -To my beloved Palestinian people who I love and have fought for, I leave a large roll of 3-mil contractor's trash bags so you can sweep up some of the refuse and trash you left in front of my mansion. - Suha may retain the luxury flat in Paris. - The Palestinian people who I love and fought for can have whatever the Israelis didn't destroy when the bombed my garage. I think there are some old fatigues and a Coleman stove that needs a new propane tank. - Suha may keep the fleet of Mercedes that she has accumulated over the past 4 years. - My beloved Palestinian people who love and have fought for can have my sincerest best wishes for a prosperous future. - Suha may keep the Van Cleef and Arpels diamond and platinum necklace I bought her for our anniversary. - The Palestinian people who I love and fought for can have whatever paper towels and plastic forks are left in the pantry of my mansion in the West Bank. - To the young boys who I slept with while Suha was living in Paris, please give them my collection of Michael Jackson tapes and CDs. - To the Palestinian people who I loved and fought for, I leave them with my last wish, to continue to live in filth and die for no damn good reason, to sacrifice their children and kill as many Israeli infants as possible so that you might advance your cause. But keep your hands off Suha's Mercedes and jewelry you filthy ignorant swine. - To the crews of the Israeli helicopters that circled my compound . . . nice shooting fellas. That last rocket attack took out my 60-inch plasma flat screen. - To Suha I leave my French impressionist collection currently hanging on the walls of her apartment in Paris. - And, to my beloved Palestinian people who I loved and fought for, I leave you the list of Israeli Day Care centers so you will know where to explode yourselves without having to do a great deal of research. And please, do something about the open trench latrines in your neighborhood. I don't bathe often and you were starting to gross ME out. - We will all eat lamb in paradise, your beloved, faithful and devoted leader, the wealthy, and quite dead, Yasir Arafat


A couple attended a party where each couple brought a dish. When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it said the recipe was called "Better-Than-Sex-Cake." After one fellow tasted it, he blurted out, "I sure feel sorry for the person who named this dessert."

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

At the scene of a truck accident a trooper asked the Arkansas driver what gear he was in at the moment of impact. He replied, "tractor hat and camouflage hunting outfit"

You might be a redneck if you can French kiss with a toothpick in your mouth.

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over ten.Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you meant with one guy.

Brunette: Do you believe in love at first sight?Blonde: Love at first sight of what?
"The Organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn that the majority of women surveyed just pretended to celebrate."
The best dressed woman at a recent society ball was the lovely Agatha S. Skeffington, whose gown was cut so low in back it revealed her initials.
Sex is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection? An itchy, twitchy twat.
From a rednecks diary:
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my Wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came cross was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of lectricity, and a loud pop!!! Yippee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5 " long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner and body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce
or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get ‘em back.

There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

Warning: Gonorrhea lecthim – I think this may be too little, too late!
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea lecthim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him"). Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 years, and in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially virulent disease. Cognitive sequellae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea lecthim include, but are not limited to: Anti-social personality disorder traits; delusions of
grandeur with a distinct Messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions; exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; ignorance of geography and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or-nothing behavior.
Thank you for holding. This call may be monitored for quality purposes. Of course, if we really cared about quality we'd hire more people to answer the phone.
Cats Are In Charge "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer." --Bruce Graham "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch "People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine "No heaven will not ever Heaven be; unless, my cats are there to welcome me." -Unknown "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. --Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." "Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel but they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -Joseph Wood Krutch "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." "My husband said it was him or the cat .. I miss him sometimes."

Last week, despite having a bad case of laryngitis, my son went along to help a class on a field trip to a petting zoo. While he was petting a baby Shetland pony, the teacher asked, "How are you feeling today?" He responded, "I'm feeling a little horse."
Bored? Here's a way the over-50 set can easily kill off a good half hour:1. Place your keys in your right hand.2. With your left hand, call a friend and confirm a lunch or dinner date.3. Hang up the phone.4. Now look for your car keys.

An all natural gardening book I was reading claims that a tonic of beer and urine will improve your garden. Come on, if that was true, wouldn't frat houses be like tropical rain forests?

Do you think it’s a coincidence that "mother-in-law" is an anagram of "Woman Hitler"

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Three rich guys were telling each other what kind of antique auto they were going to give their girl friends for Christmas. First guy said, "I'm going to give my girl a Kaiser and surprise her." The next one said, "I'm going to give my girl a Frazier and amaze her." The third guy said, "I'm going to give mine a Tucker..."

With the epidemic proportion of sexually transmitted diseases I hope Mr. Spock uses a "vulcanized" rubber.

Billy Joe Bob was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife. In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.

An Italian and a Greek were discussing the impact of their various cultures to humankind. The Greek said "We gave the world the Acropolis" The Italian responded "We gave the world the Vatican" The Greek: "We gave the world mathematics" The Italian responded: "We gave the world the modern alphabet" The comparisons carried on for some time, each getting more emotional when the Greek stated "We invented love" The response came back "Yeah, but we introduced it to women."

The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State: "2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN" Democrats put it on the rear bumper. Republicans put it on the front bumper.

I had a friend who played for a group called "Toxic Shock Syndrome" They weren't so bad, but they only played Rag Time!

You've all heard about the $28,000 Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich, right? No? Well, it goes something like this: Half of a grilled cheese sandwich that it's owner says bears the image of the Virgin Mary was sold last week on eBay -- for $28k. An online casino bought it and is already selling commemorative T- shirts. As Don King would say, "Only in America!" The Top 16 Lesser-Known Food Miracles 16 The 23rd Psalami on Rye. 15 The strand of spaghetti bearing a life-sized image of Calista Flockhart. 14 The flip side of the Virgin Mary sandwich, bearing the image of P.T. Barnum. 13 The rather mundane appearance of Robert Redford's likeness in a bowl of oatmeal. 12 The Amsterdam brownies that make you invisible. 11 The pile of melons that from the top resemble Yul Brynner dancing with Pamela Anderson. 10 The image of Dennis Franz' buttocks in a Moon Pie. 9 The visage of Elvis on black Velveeta. 8 Martha Stewart's Thanksgiving dinner, made from bread, water, gruel and a brown mystery substance. 7 The falafel sandwich with the image of a horny Bill O'Reilly. 6 Indiana Pacers' knuckle sandwich and a glass of Ron Artest's sucker punch. 5 The George Michael Pulled Pork Sandwich. 4 The Abe Vigoda/Erik Estrada Plate of Fish & Chips. 3 The Clarence Thomas High-Protein Coca Cola. 2 The Edvard Munch "I Scream" Sandwich. ... and the Number 1 Lesser-Known Food Miracle ... 1 The bag of tiny colorful coated-chocolate candies with Mary Magdelene's initials inscribed on each one.

An Oldie Goldie
A woman is flying on a jumbo-jet to Europe. After they get up in the air the loudspeaker comes on: "This is your captain Emilia Rodrigues. We are cruising at 35,000 feet .. etc. etc." When the announcement is finished a woman passenger beckons to a stewardess and asks, "Is it really true that this great big airplane is being flown by a woman?" "Yes, says the stewardess, Captain Rodrigues is a woman." "How wonderful! I am so excited! Do you think you can arrange forme to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?" Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that the co-pilot is also a woman." "Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to the cockpit so I can congratulate them both!" ! "OK, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the entire crew of this plane are women." That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time, this has really made my day I just have to go to the cockpit to express my admiration!" "One more thing you might like to know ... we don't call it the COCKPIT any more."

What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor? A salt with a dead weapon.

A lady walks into a sex store and says to the salesman, "Where are your dildos?" The clerk points and says, "On the wall over there." She looks and says, "I’ll have the red one." The salesman says, "No, lady. The dildos are those things BESIDE the fire extinguisher."

"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies: 1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management. 4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). 7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. 9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. 10: I've run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE : 11: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR - 2004 versionNelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"Hardy: "Sorry sir?"Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."Nelson: "What?"Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."Nelson: "We're not?"Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."Nelson: "What about sodomy?"Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."

A visiting minister prayed: "Dear Lord", he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without you we are but dust. He would have continued but at that very moment my daughter leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

My wife she is a hooker,
Of this she's mighty proud,
And the stories of her exploits,
Are legends in our town,
She's shameless with her talents,
She'll go hooking anywhere,
And if people want to watch her,
She really doesn’t care,
It seems to be a family thing,
Her mother taught her how,
Seems her grandma was a hooker,
And my daughters hooking now,
She goes to hookers meetings,
To learn the new techniques,
She starts hooking in a frenzy,
And won't talk to me for weeks,
She doesn't do the housework,
She doesn't make the beds,
No she doesn't have time for that,
She'd rather hook instead,
My wife she is a hooker,
And I curse that awful day,
When she first picked up the hook and yarn,
And learned how to crochet

When my neighbor proudly told me he was surprising his new wife with a horse for Christmas, I asked what kind of horses she liked to ride. He said he wasn't sure, but she could probably ride about anything since she had worked several years at the Mustang Ranch out in Nevada.

Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton Commemorative Belt Buckle? It's made out of Mistletoe!

Here's a winter travel tip if you are traveling during the holidays: Book your flight later in the day - that way, you give the airport security people a chance to warm up their hands on other people.

A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. It took the old man two days to assemble the toy. Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote out a cheque, cut it into 189 pieces, put it with the bill and mailed it back to the company.

"Scientists now say if you want your Christmas tree to last longer and look better, put vodka in the base. Isn't that a waste? Giving your tree vodka to make it look better? I say drink the vodka yourself and then everything will look better." - Jay Leno

There are three things you never want to see on a Christmas present: 'One Size Fits All,' 'Fun for all ages' and 'removes unwanted hair.'Signs Santa is Sick of Christmas- Now relies on a quick Google image search to see if you've been naughty.- Good, bad or on the fence -- *everyone* gets an AOL CD in their stocking this year.- But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Yadda, yadda, yadda...."- Sticker on sleigh: "How's my flying? Call 1-800-EAT-SUGARPLUMS"- Former "Naughty/Nice" databases merged into a single "Whatever" database.- Turns Ms. Claus out to work the corner next to the Salvation Army bell ringers.- At midnight on Christmas Eve, gift certificates to Amazon.com magically appear in the e-mail in-boxes of good girls and boys.- New policy this year: Only strippers allowed on his lap.- Hey, kid -- them brown lumps in your stocking ain't coal!- On his personal Christmas list: A George Foreman Grill and "The Ultimate Reindeer Cookbook."- He's assigned numbers to all the countries on Earth and is doing the odd ones this year and the even ones next year.
- This year's #1 stocking stuffers: Elf heads and Rudolph jerky.
Signs Your Spouse Is Sleeping With SantaInstead of cookies and milk, she leaves out a fifth of Scotch and edible panties.Comes home with tinsel stuck between her teeth and Claus marks on her back.Of the 200 presents for her under the tree, you bought three of them.Never very adventuresome in bed, she suddenly asks if you want to do it "reindeer style."He comes in late, brushes his teeth furiously, uses floss and mouthwash for the first time in years, then says, "Well, it looks like I'm finally getting that train set this year!"Her picture is prominently featured on santasbitches.com.Every day after work, elves block you in traffic to keep you from getting home too early.She's shaved her pubic hair into the shape of a little chimney.Tells you that you would look a lot sexier if you grew a beard and added 150 pounds.Every December 24th it's the same routine: She puts on a teddy and sits on the roof.

This has been a tough year for jobs. There've been a lot of cutbacks this Christmas season. In fact, in Beverly Hills at the Nativity scene, the wise men were let go and replaced with one really smart Asian guy. - Jay Leno

This was supposedly written for and sung at a U.S. Department of Justice Christmas party during the Carter administration:
You better watch out, You better not cry, You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is tapping Your phone. He's buggin' your room, He's reading your mail, He's keeping a file And runnin' a tail Santa Claus is tapping Your phone He hears you in the bedroom Surveils you out of doors And if that doesn't get the goods Then he'll use provocateurs So you mustn't assume That you are secure On Christmas Eve He'll kick in your door Santa Claus is tapping Your phone

And now for some Christmas related limericks:

To Whomever You Happen To Be:
No Christmas Card This Year From Me!
I Choose Not To Send 'em;
That's My New Addendum!
Scratch My Name Off Your List? Please Feel Free!

For Christmas', She Said With A Tingle,'I'd Love A Gift Cunnilingual.'
'twas With Joy And SurpriseShe Found 'twixt Her ThighsThe Tongue Of Jolly Kris Kringle.
A Quiet Young Head Known As Clark,Liked Tripping At Home In The Dark;But His Christmas Went BadWhen They Raided His Pad -'twas A Visit From Good Ol Saint Narc.
A Wiser Young Lady Named Dawes,Looks Forward To Christmas BecauseShe Was Taught Last DecemberBy A Store Santa's Member,That A Pussy Is Meant To Have Claus.
All The Sisters Who Lived In The AbbeyKnew The Monk's Old Computers Were CrabbyThe Monk's Chips Were All PentiumAnd Marked The MillenniumToo Early Which Nuns Think Is Shabby
Says The Chip Monk, `These Programs I Wrote 'EmJust Right But My Processor Slowed 'EmAll Down To Half SpeedSo Now What I NeedFor Web Surfing Is This Quasi Modem'
Says The Nun, `Well Now That Rings A BellBut With Chips Like That Clocks Won't Run WellWere It My Choice, Good BrotherI'd Pick Out AnotherPerhaps One That Won't Kiss Intel.'
So For Christmas Those Sisters, The DearsBought Some Macs For The Monks And We HearsThat The Whole MonasteryNext Year Will Be Merry'Cause Those At The Abbey Knew Years
Every Christmas, Miss Mary McPhenDoes A Party Trick To Please The Men.She Brings Down The HouseBy Removing Her BlouseAs She Tremulates ''Minuit Chretien''.
Every Christmas, Near Antwerp's Old Wharves,There's A Party For Elderly Dwarves.They Eat Pate' Of Bat,Sing Josquin (A Bit Flat),And Watch Videos Of ''Snow White'', Of Course.
I Wonder What Christmas Will Be,No Merriment, Good Cheer Or Glee.Now That Santa's Arrested,Because Someone Protested,That He Laid Some Doll Under Their Tree.
A bit confused Jew From Salonika,Said, ''For Christmas I'd Like An Harmonica.''His Wife, To Annoy Him,Said, ''Feh, That's For Goyim!''And Gave Him A Jews-Harp For Chanukah.
OK. Enough already. Bah Humbug! Finished with the Christmas crap!

So do you feel any safer now that Martha Stewart is in prison? I’m not sure I understand how the system works. O.J. and Kobe, a couple of scary dudes, seem to be able to do anything they feel like but they take the one woman in America willing to cook and clean and work in the yard, and haul her ass to jail.

"The other day in prison, Martha Stewart was reportedly caught smuggling cinnamon and brown sugar in her bra. Prison officials say there is also some nutmeg missing but they don't want to look for it." - Conan O'Brien

A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife: "Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news: I got $25,000.00 severance pay!" His wife said: "$25,000.00 in severance pay? That's great! Now, what's the bad news?" He said: "Wait till you hear what was severed!"

What's the difference between snow peas and chick peas? A guy can write his name with snow peas but a chick peas sitting down.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

BEER MATHEMATICS
This is pretty neat how it works out - cool beer math!!!!!!! DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.......Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have a pint. (try for more than once)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be honest)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754.... If you haven't, add 1753 ...
6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born. You should have a three-digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have a pint per week).
The next two numbers are ....... YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!!!! )
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS. By the way, you should now celebrate by having a beer!

Boy was I tired when I got home from work yesterday - I felt something touching my heels. When I looked round to check, I saw it was my ass!

Top 45 Oxymorons
45. Act naturally44. Found missing43. Resident alien42. Advanced BASIC41. Genuine imitation40. Airline Food39. Good grief38. Same difference37. Almost exactly36. Government organization35. Sanitary landfill34. Alone together33. Legally drunk32. Silent scream31. Living dead30. Small crowd29. Business ethics28. Soft rock27. Butt Head26. Military Intelligence25. Software documentation24. New classic23. Sweet sorrow22. Childproof21. "Now, then ..."20. Synthetic natural gas19. Passive aggression18. Taped live17. Clearly misunderstood16. Peace force15. Extinct Life14. Temporary tax increase13. Computer jock12. Plastic glasses11. Terribly pleased10. Computer security9. Political science8. Tight slacks7. Definite maybe6. Pretty ugly5. Twelve-ounce pound cake4. Diet ice cream3. Working vacation2. Exact estimate1. Microsoft Works

Top 10 Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active...
10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."7. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.6. Granny found cuffed to her walker.5. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of Hustler.2. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active...1. Kraft-matic Adjustable Bed set for "doggy style."

Powerball winner Jack Whittaker of West Virginia was arrested driving drunk Monday. The former deacon tours strip bars since he won three hundred million. Democrats can take heart in the fact that moral values are no match for human nature. - Argus Hamilton

Kiev, Ukraine 9-Dec-2004 [JP]: In a late-breaking exclusive News Flash, it has been discovered that, as a result of the recent election unrest in the Ukraine, a Dictatorship has been setup by declared PM Viktor Yanukovych. Yanukovych’s first priority as Dictator was to rename the country to Ikraine...


Alternative ways to say no: * I'd rather have my nipples chewed off by a pack of wild dogs. * I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose until the back of his head caves in. * I'd rather wipe my ass with a cheese grater. * I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol. * I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest. * I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch slapped by a fat, mustached Greek named Spyros. * I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum. * I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine and piss on a forest fire. * I'd rather suck cow snot through a straw. * I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass. * I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle in the nude. * I'd rather bungee jump with the harness tied to my penis with your mother lying naked in the landing zone. * I would rather dry hump a polar bear in a phone booth. * I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back and then find out it's the wrong one. * I'd rather cram my penis in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids. * I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction. * I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter-- and not a twist off either. * I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer and then wear wool socks in August. * I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass after he just finished taking a wet, nasty dump. * I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs with a dull barber's razor and no water or soap. * I'd rather french kiss a barracuda. * I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass with a short stick. * I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake in a phone booth. * I'd rather nail my penis to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire and try to get loose with a butter knife. * I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass and jog a mile. * I would rather have blow Pee Wee Herman in daylight, after he just whacked off in a movie theater without a bag to put over his head. * I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank of the 700 pound man next door. * I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire. * I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis then tie it in a knot. * I'd rather lick the undigested corn from a crusty elephant's ass. * I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden then jump into a pool filled with chlorine. * I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert with snapping turtles clamped to my salty nipples. * I'd rather be tied to a chair and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.

The teen-ager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teen-ager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
A man dies and leaves his son nine pairs of socks and a rooster. The son is confused as to what it means. He goes to
the rabbi and ask if bequest has a hidden meaning, The Rabbi says he will need a week to think about it. When the week is up the man goes to the rabbi for the answer. The rabbi says that indeed there was a message. Nine pair of socks equals eighteen and eighteen is a Chai and a rooster is a cock, so your father left you chai cock!
20 Things you can only say at Christmas 1. I prefer breasts to legs 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5. I've never seen a better spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13.I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you put it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning 20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more! Christmas is coming. You can tell it's the Yuletide season by the traditional greeting shoppers give each other in the mall. "I think I was next." - Alan Ray Christmas Personality Disorders:Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are? Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas????? Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me!!!!!! Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ... Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open FirePersonality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells . . . Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House Autistic --- Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock…Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While Sit Here and Hyperventilate If you can stomach it, here are a few more Christmassy limericks:
It's Christmas Time In The Hills.The Presents Are Opened With Thrills.Until She Got Mine,Which At First Seemed Fine,It Was Crotchless And Heart-Shaped With Frills.

Last Christmas One Santa ClausGot Nearly Killed, BecauseHe Restlessly WhinedDemanded A RhymeAnd Handled My Present With Pause

Last Christmas, When Puss Was In Boots,He Met A Young Pussy Called Toots.They Looked At A CondomBut Found It Beyond 'em,So What Do You Bet On The Fruits?

Santa Said, Between ''Ho-Ho'' And ''Ho'',
''I've A Log Book That I Keep To Show
Just What Gifts You'll Receive,
On Next Christmas Eve,
And I Call It My 'You'll Log', You Know.''

So Love-Starved At Christmas Was Bunny,
She Hung Mistletoe Over Her Cunny.
No Man Ever Kissed Her,
A Fact That Quite Pissed Her,
And Made Bunny Walk Kind Of Funny.

There Was A Young Man From The Isthmus,
Whose Bride Had Acute Vaginismus.
They Found Themselves Stuck
On The Very First Fuck,
And Had To Stay That Way 'til Christmas.

There Was A Young Virgin Of Perth,
Swore She'd Do It For No One On Earth.
Yet She Fell Without Scandal
To A Red Christmas Candle
And Was Always Less Choosey Henceforth.

Though I May Be About To Retire,
Ladies, Come Light My Christmas Fire.
Though I'm Well Over Fifty
Come Get This Gifty -
Eight Inches Of Throbbing Desire!

'Twas The Night Before Christmas In Cheers.
In Walks Santa And All Those Reindeers.
Did They Drink? Have No Doubt!
Till The Old Man Passed Out,
And Norm Picked Up The Tab For The Beers.

Away With This Holiday Spirit!Merry Christmas? I Don't Want To Hear It!You Buy Gifts Till Your Broke;What You Get Back's A Joke.I Don't So Much Hate It As Fear It!

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these RULES and you shouldhave no problem:#1. When in doubt-buy him a cordless drill. It doesn't matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.#2. If you cannot afford the above, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey, George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "Okay, by the way are you through with my 3/8 socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.#3. If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.#4. Do not buy men socks. DO NOT BUY MEN TIES. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if Godhad wanted men to wear bathrobes, he would not have invented jockey shorts.#5. You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have WORN out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips and flips and flips. Forget the program, your entertainment is watching him have fun!#6. Do not buy a man industrial sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I' m told they do not stink - they are earthy.#7. Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks, shorts, cups, saucers, door, locks, sink" You get the idea. No one knows why.#8. Never buy a man anything and then tell him he should read the instructions because the box says, "some assembly required," because it will ruin his Special Day. He will always have parts left over.#9. Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cookbut they will bar-b-que. Get him a monster bar-b-que with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill!" The challenge! Who wants a hamburger.#10. Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why, please refer toRule #7(remember what happens when he gets maker.)#11. It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.#12. Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says, "I love you," like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

GIFTS YOU WON'T SEE THIS CHRISTMAS:
"Drill 'Em 'N Fill 'Em" Home Dentistry Kit
"Boobs in a Bottle" Breast Enlargement Formula
"Jump-Start" Home Defibrilator: Save someone from a heart attack without the hassle of rushing them to a hospital!
"Golden Shower" Beer: The only alcoholic beverage made from 100% recycled beer.
"Time Life Books Presents Home Surgery"
"'Stripper Fun' Barbie"
The Book of Mormon, Episode II
"No Thanks Trapdoor for Solicitors": Installed with iron spikes, crocodiles cost extra
"Balz-Off" Testosterone Repressor
Keychain Belly Rings: Hang your keys on your belly button!
"Gynecologist' Ken": Comes with "'Sexy Patient' Barbie"
"Nice Ass" Jeans
"Operating Fun' Barbie": Give Barbie a new heart, lung, or kidney!
"Other Side" Near-Death Inducing Kit: See your deceased loved ones momentarily! (Caution: May cause irreversible results.)
"Lung Drano": Cleans out the lungs of the serious smoker.

WHY HANUKKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS:
There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Special"
Eight days of presents!
No need to clean the chimney.
There's no latke-nog.
Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidel."
No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

And a final seasonal observation:
As you sit there today pondering all the gifts you bought for the holidays and perhaps thinking of the bills, look at it this way -- think of all the garage sales you helped provide merchandise for.Crabs' urine and changes in snails' sex hormones are helping UK scientists to monitor the health of the environment. They are among new research tools being developed by the Environment Agency, as part of its first science strategy. They say using urine from creatures like these shows their responses to hydrocarbons, exposure to trace metals, and to pesticides, especially organophosphates. I must admit I have gone far too many years oblivious to the fact that crabs and snails actually pee. But now - thanks to the miracles of modern science - no need to watch the weatherman guess if it will rain tomorrow. Just simply house train your pet crab - or the snail you were saving for dinner - to tinkle on a piece of litmus paper each morning. If it turns blue - cold weather coming up. Green - rain. Red - hot. Purple - run for your lives. One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times." There was a young girl from Hong KongWho said, "You are utterly wrong"To say my vagina'sThe biggest in chinaJust because of your mean little dong. A little old Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings. "Hello" she says. "Hello" says the male voice at the other end. "I'l bet you'd really like it if I came round, ripped off your skirt and blouse and bra and panties, then threw you to the floor and made hot, sweaty love to you...." The little old Jewish lady replies, "From 'hello' you can tell all this....?" Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is - I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test." I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?" He said, "They were pedestrians." You don't know the pain of waiting in a slow checkout line until you've had a cashier with 2-inch long fake nails feebly attempting to change the roll of receipt paper. I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? Heck is where people go when they don't believe in gosh. According to a new study by the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention, married people are healthier than single people. That's why people in L.A. are so healthy. A lot of them have been married three, four times. - Jay Leno
In one of Washington's great ironies, President Bush passed the intelligence bill; that's like Bill Clinton passing the celibacy bill. - Jay Leno One in 580 men can "expect" to die while having sex. C'mon! Most men HOPE to die that way! --Jay Leno
Bernard Kerik withdrew as the nominee for Homeland Security Secretary Friday when an illegal alien maid and an adulterous affair with a staffer surfaced. His career in public service isn't over. President Bush just named him Ambassador to the Clinton Library. - Argus Hamilton
Newfy Pat lived across the bay from Clarence who was his avowed enemy. They were always yelling insults across the bay at each other. Pat would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bay, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, by!" This went on for years. Finally, just before an election, the local government built a bridge across the bay right by their houses and Pat's wife, Marie, say, "Now ‘s your chance, Paddy. Why don’t you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you’s always jabberin’ ‘bout?" Pat says, "OK," and start across the bridge but promptly turns back home when he reads a sign on the bridge. Marie asks, "Why’re you back so soon?” Pat replies, "Marie, I done changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. Dey got a sign on dat dere bridge what say Clarence 13 ft. 6 in. You know, he don’t look near dat big when I yell at him from across de bay."
Scientists have reported that men who use laptops a lot usually have a very low sperm count and may have great difficulty fathering children. Judging from a lot of computer nerds I've seen, this may not be a bad thing. Then there was the blonde who was commenting on seeing her first football game. Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents. After they flipped a coin and one team got it, for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!" HELLLO! It's only 25 cents!
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question: How did I get here? Her mother told her, "God sent you." "Did God send you, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear," the mother replied. "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted. "He sent them also" the mother said. "Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently. "So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family.

Firstly, a few nouveau business expressions to help you get through 2005: TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks. BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.) MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all') ON AGING: (some old some new) A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?" An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says... "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." There once was a girl from Nantucket Who crossed the sea in a bucket And when she got there They asked for the fare So she pulled up her dress and said fuck it. There was a man from Madras, Who fucked a young girl in the grass. But the hot Spanish sun Spoiled half his fun By burning the skin on his ass! An ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends. During their first intercourse, the elephant suffered a heart attack and died. "Crap," said the ant. "Five minutes of passion, and now the rest of my life digging a grave." Two well-dressed, matronly women entered the business office and approached an executive. "Sir," said one, "we are soliciting funds for the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?" "Sorry," replied the executive, "but I contribute directly." President Bush was chosen as 'Person of the Year' by Time magazine. Not only that, Martha Stewart was chosen as person of the year by Doing Time magazine. - Conan O'Brien Wal-Mart announced they have fired several of their top executives. Do you know how you can tell when a Wal-Mart executive is out of a job? You see him shopping at Wal- Mart! - Jay Leno And finally, my New Year wish for you (as vetted by my lawyer): Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher… Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, however, a significant number of electrons were inconvenienced.
Welllllllllllllllllllllll, it doesn’t seem possible but it’s still the season…….. 20 Things you can only say at Christmas 1. I prefer breasts to legs 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5. I've never seen a better spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13.I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you put it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning 20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more! Christmas is coming. You can tell it's the Yuletide season by the traditional greeting shoppers give each other in the mall. "I think I was next." - Alan Ray Christmas Personality Disorders:Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are? Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas????? Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me!!!!!! Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ... Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open FirePersonality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells . . . Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House Autistic --- Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock…Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While Sit Here and Hyperventilate If you can stomach it, here are a few more Christmassy limericks:
It's Christmas Time In The Hills.The Presents Are Opened With Thrills.Until She Got Mine,Which At First Seemed Fine,It Was Crotchless And Heart-Shaped With Frills.

Last Christmas One Santa ClausGot Nearly Killed, BecauseHe Restlessly WhinedDemanded A RhymeAnd Handled My Present With Pause

Last Christmas, When Puss Was In Boots,He Met A Young Pussy Called Toots.They Looked At A CondomBut Found It Beyond 'em,So What Do You Bet On The Fruits?

Santa Said, Between ''Ho-Ho'' And ''Ho'',
''I've A Log Book That I Keep To Show
Just What Gifts You'll Receive,
On Next Christmas Eve,
And I Call It My 'You'll Log', You Know.''

So Love-Starved At Christmas Was Bunny,
She Hung Mistletoe Over Her Cunny.
No Man Ever Kissed Her,
A Fact That Quite Pissed Her,
And Made Bunny Walk Kind Of Funny.

There Was A Young Man From The Isthmus,
Whose Bride Had Acute Vaginismus.
They Found Themselves Stuck
On The Very First Fuck,
And Had To Stay That Way 'til Christmas.

There Was A Young Virgin Of Perth,
Swore She'd Do It For No One On Earth.
Yet She Fell Without Scandal
To A Red Christmas Candle
And Was Always Less Choosey Henceforth.

Though I May Be About To Retire,
Ladies, Come Light My Christmas Fire.
Though I'm Well Over Fifty
Come Get This Gifty -
Eight Inches Of Throbbing Desire!

'Twas The Night Before Christmas In Cheers.
In Walks Santa And All Those Reindeers.
Did They Drink? Have No Doubt!
Till The Old Man Passed Out,
And Norm Picked Up The Tab For The Beers.

Away With This Holiday Spirit!Merry Christmas? I Don't Want To Hear It!You Buy Gifts Till Your Broke;What You Get Back's A Joke.I Don't So Much Hate It As Fear It!

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these RULES and you shouldhave no problem:#1. When in doubt-buy him a cordless drill. It doesn't matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.#2. If you cannot afford the above, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey, George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "Okay, by the way are you through with my 3/8 socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.#3. If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.#4. Do not buy men socks. DO NOT BUY MEN TIES. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if Godhad wanted men to wear bathrobes, he would not have invented jockey shorts.#5. You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have WORN out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips and flips and flips. Forget the program, your entertainment is watching him have fun!#6. Do not buy a man industrial sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I' m told they do not stink - they are earthy.#7. Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks, shorts, cups, saucers, door, locks, sink" You get the idea. No one knows why.#8. Never buy a man anything and then tell him he should read the instructions because the box says, "some assembly required," because it will ruin his Special Day. He will always have parts left over.#9. Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cookbut they will bar-b-que. Get him a monster bar-b-que with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill!" The challenge! Who wants a hamburger.#10. Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why, please refer toRule #7(remember what happens when he gets maker.)#11. It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.#12. Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says, "I love you," like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

GIFTS YOU WON'T SEE THIS CHRISTMAS:
"Drill 'Em 'N Fill 'Em" Home Dentistry Kit
"Boobs in a Bottle" Breast Enlargement Formula
"Jump-Start" Home Defibrilator: Save someone from a heart attack without the hassle of rushing them to a hospital!
"Golden Shower" Beer: The only alcoholic beverage made from 100% recycled beer.
"Time Life Books Presents Home Surgery"
"'Stripper Fun' Barbie"
The Book of Mormon, Episode II
"No Thanks Trapdoor for Solicitors": Installed with iron spikes, crocodiles cost extra
"Balz-Off" Testosterone Repressor
Keychain Belly Rings: Hang your keys on your belly button!
"Gynecologist' Ken": Comes with "'Sexy Patient' Barbie"
"Nice Ass" Jeans
"Operating Fun' Barbie": Give Barbie a new heart, lung, or kidney!
"Other Side" Near-Death Inducing Kit: See your deceased loved ones momentarily! (Caution: May cause irreversible results.)
"Lung Drano": Cleans out the lungs of the serious smoker.

WHY HANUKKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS:
There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Special"
Eight days of presents!
No need to clean the chimney.
There's no latke-nog.
Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidel."
No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

And a final seasonal observation:
As you sit there today pondering all the gifts you bought for the holidays and perhaps thinking of the bills, look at it this way -- think of all the garage sales you helped provide merchandise for.Crabs' urine and changes in snails' sex hormones are helping UK scientists to monitor the health of the environment. They are among new research tools being developed by the Environment Agency, as part of its first science strategy. They say using urine from creatures like these shows their responses to hydrocarbons, exposure to trace metals, and to pesticides, especially organophosphates. I must admit I have gone far too many years oblivious to the fact that crabs and snails actually pee. But now - thanks to the miracles of modern science - no need to watch the weatherman guess if it will rain tomorrow. Just simply house train your pet crab - or the snail you were saving for dinner - to tinkle on a piece of litmus paper each morning. If it turns blue - cold weather coming up. Green - rain. Red - hot. Purple - run for your lives. One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
There was a young girl from Hong KongWho said, "You are utterly wrong"To say my vagina'sThe biggest in chinaJust because of your mean little dong. A little old Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings. "Hello" she says. "Hello" says the male voice at the other end. "I'l bet you'd really like it if I came round, ripped off your skirt and blouse and bra and panties, then threw you to the floor and made hot, sweaty love to you...." The little old Jewish lady replies, "From 'hello' you can tell all this....?" Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is - I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test." I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?" He said, "They were pedestrians." You don't know the pain of waiting in a slow checkout line until you've had a cashier with 2-inch long fake nails feebly attempting to change the roll of receipt paper. I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? Heck is where people go when they don't believe in gosh. According to a new study by the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention, married people are healthier than single people. That's why people in L.A. are so healthy. A lot of them have been married three, four times. - Jay Leno
In one of Washington's great ironies, President Bush passed the intelligence bill; that's like Bill Clinton passing the celibacy bill. - Jay Leno One in 580 men can "expect" to die while having sex. C'mon! Most men HOPE to die that way! --Jay Leno
Bernard Kerik withdrew as the nominee for Homeland Security Secretary Friday when an illegal alien maid and an adulterous affair with a staffer surfaced. His career in public service isn't over. President Bush just named him Ambassador to the Clinton Library. - Argus Hamilton
Newfy Pat lived across the bay from Clarence who was his avowed enemy. They were always yelling insults across the bay at each other. Pat would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bay, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, by!" This went on for years. Finally, just before an election, the local government built a bridge across the bay right by their houses and Pat's wife, Marie, say, "Now ‘s your chance, Paddy. Why don’t you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you’s always jabberin’ ‘bout?" Pat says, "OK," and start across the bridge but promptly turns back home when he reads a sign on the bridge. Marie asks, "Why’re you back so soon?” Pat replies, "Marie, I done changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. Dey got a sign on dat dere bridge what say Clarence 13 ft. 6 in. You know, he don’t look near dat big when I yell at him from across de bay."
Scientists have reported that men who use laptops a lot usually have a very low sperm count and may have great difficulty fathering children. Judging from a lot of computer nerds I've seen, this may not be a bad thing. Then there was the blonde who was commenting on seeing her first football game. Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents. After they flipped a coin and one team got it, for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!" HELLLO! It's only 25 cents!
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question: How did I get here? Her mother told her, "God sent you." "Did God send you, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear," the mother replied. "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted. "He sent them also" the mother said. "Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently. "So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. - P.J. O'Rourke

Differences Between Christmas and Chanukah: - Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25th. Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off from work. We go to movies, out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida). - Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. - Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos....Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam which looks impressive on the bookshelf. - There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanuka, Chanukkah, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannuka, Hannukah or Hanukkah. - Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah. - Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis. - Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Oh Come All Ye Faithful..... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully? - A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once. - Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages. - Parents deliver gifts to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift any of the eight nights. - The players in the Christmas story have it easy pronouncing names such as Jesus, Joseph and Mary. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell or pronounce them. On the plus side, we can tell our Christian friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history. - Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, Joseph, bubbelah...snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now she wants to blame God!? Here's the number of my shrink. - In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kipppur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah.

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is On Steroids
10. His science fair project demonstrates ways to get around urine tests.
9. Explanation for his suddenly enhanced strength: "Uh...I'm Spider-Man?"
8. Drinks his milk and then eats the glass.
7. His life-long dream is to run for Governer of California.
6. During game of "Got Your Nose," tore Uncle Paul's face right off his head.
5. For Christmas, he's giving everyone diamonds he made by squeezing lumps of coal.
4. He goes outside to ride his bike--five minutes later he calls from Mexico.
3. Instead of girls, he's constantly on the phone with Balco Founder Victor Conte.
2. His adrenal glands are the size of billiard balls.
1. Last year she was the Prom Queen. This year--Prom King.

Coldest Place In The World for 2004 - Key Lake, northern Saskatchewan was the coldest place in the world during 2004, recording a temperature of -52.6°C in January. It was even colder in Canada than in Antarctica, Siberian Russia, and Greenland… even colder @ Key Lake than on Mars, where the Rover Spirit measured a temperature of -15°C. Coldest temperature ever recorded? -91°C @ Vostock, Antarctica in 1997… Feel warm now? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm... where did that Global Warming guy go?

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now: No Jesus, No Wal-Mart, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties. No Home Depot. No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya. MORE THAN ONE WIFE. Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. No chocolate chip cookies. NO CHRISTMAS. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, "IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE" ??

A sailor about to arrive in his homeport sends the following telegram to his wife - In today, home tonight. Lots of love, Rodney. His delighted wife received the following mangled telegram – Home today, in tonight. Lots of rod, Lovely.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage

All men make mistakes but the married ones find out about it a lot sooner.

Our marriage was ok until we bought a waterbed…Then we seemed to drift apart.

Now THIS is a Limerick!
There Once Was A Young Man From Sparta,
A Really Magnificent Farter.
On The Strength Of One Bean,
He'd Fart God Save The Queen,
And Bethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He Could Vary, With Proper Persuasion,
His Fart To Suit Any Occasion.
He Could Fart Like A Flute,
Like A Lark, Like A Lute,
This Highly Fartistic Caucasian.

This Sparkling Young Farter From Sparta,
His Fart, For No Money Could Barter.
He Could Roar From His Rear,
Any Scene From Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert And Sullivan's Mikado.

He'd Fart A Gavotte For A Starter,
And Fizzle A Fine Serenata.
He Could Play On His Anus,
The Coriolanus:
Er-Tum-Too, Er-Tum, Tootle, Hum Tah-Dah!

He Was Great On The Christmas Cantata.
He Could Double-Stop Fart The Toccata.
Brahm's B-Minor Mass,
Would Boom From His Ass,
And He'd Finish With La Traviata.

His Repertoire, Classics To Jazz,
New Effects Using Bubbles Of Gas.
With A Good Dose Of Salts,
He Could Whistle A Waltz,
Or Swing It In Razzamatazz.

His Basso Profundo, So Rare,
He Rendered With Power To Spare.
But His Great Work Of Art,
His Fortissimo Fart,
He Saved For The March Militaire.

One Day He Was Asked To Perform,
The William Tell Overture Storm.
But Naught Could Dishearten
Our Flatulent Spartan,
For His Fart Was In Wonderful Form.

It Went Off In Capital Style,
And He Farted It Through With A Smile.
Then, Feeling Quite Jolly,
He Tried The Finale,
Blowing Double-Stopped Farts All The While.

The Selection Was Tough, I Admit,
But It Did Not Dismay Him One Bit,
With His Head Held Aloft,
He Suddenly Coughed,
And Collapsed In A Mountain Of Shit.
(But It Daunted Our Spartan No Whit)

His Bunghole Was Blown Back To Sparta,
Where They Buried The Rest Of Our Farter.
With A Gravestone Of Turds
Inscribed With The Words,
To The Fine Art Of Farting, A Martyr.'

A reporter went to the local nursing home to interview the oldest resident, Henry Goldfarb. "I'm here to do a story on nursing homes," the reporter began the interview. "I'd like to start things off by asking what the death rate is here." "Well, without official confirmation," said Mr. Goldfarb, "you can put it down as one each."

A keen sportsman spent the weekend at a hunting lodge and bagged a record number of birds with the help of a dog named "Salesman". The man was so impressed that when making his reservation for the following year, he specifically requested the services of the same dog. "Too bad," said the lodge manager. "Six months ago, some Moroff who was here kept calling the dog 'Sales Manager' by mistake. Now all he does is sit on his tail and bark."

A little compact car smashed into the rear of Cohen's Cadillac as he made a left turn. The driver of the little car was furious. "Why didn't you putout your hand?" he demanded. "What's the point?" shrugged Cohen. "If you can't see my Cadillac, how could you see my hand?"

Stein, who knew no English, opened a bank account and signed with two X's, as was the custom in those days. A few years later, having prospered, he came to the bank to make a large deposit. This time he signed with three X's. "Mr. Stein," said the teller, "Why do you now use three X's?" Stein blushed. "Oh you know women," he said. "Now that we are rich, my wife wants me to take on a middle name."

New Dog Breeds for 2005
Collie + Lhasa Apso ... Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow ... Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter ... Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund ... Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso ... Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel ... Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle (And IIIIIIII like it too!)
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever ... Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound ... Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog ... Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador ... Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer ... Moot Point, owned by... oh well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute ... Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier ... Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shitzu ... Oh, never mind...

I would like to go to Holland someday. Wooden Shoe?

REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DUN FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

In the New Year to come...(author unknown)
May your hair, your teeth,
your face-lift, your abs,
and your stocks not fall.

May you get a clean bill of health
from your dentist, your cardiologist,
your gastro-endocrinologist, your urologist,
your proctologist, your podiatrist,
your psychiatrist, your plumber
and the IRS.

May you find a way to travel
from anywhere to anywhere
in the rush hour in less than an hour,
and when you get there
may you find a parking space.

May what you see in the mirror
delight you,
and what others see in you
delight them.

May the telemarketers wait
to make their sales calls
until you finish dinner.
May your check book
and your budget balance,
and may they include
generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say "I love you"
at least once a day
to your spouse, your child
and your parents
but not to your secretary,
your nurse, your masseuse,
your hairdresser, or your tennis instructor.

May we live as intended,
in a world at peace,
with awareness of
the beauty in every sunset,
every flower's unfolding petals,
every baby's smile,
and every wonderful, astonishing,
miraculous beat of our hearts.

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.

Now that all parties have approved it, can we finally say that they've Yanked the Diamondbacks' Johnson?

It's happened again, folks. In the city of Orange, California, a 28-year-old female teacher has been arrested for having sex with two 13-year-old boys in numerous locations. See, that's what I call a field trip. The student turned her in after getting upset because the teacher had called his parents and told them he ‘finished’ first in his class. How come you never hear about boys having sex with cafeteria ladies? All I ever got to bang was the eraser. - Jay Leno

Why Men Pee Standing Up: Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. God told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that." Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged. "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please ! Please ! Pleeease ! Give it to me !" On and on he went like an excited little boy. So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while. God and Eve watched Adam for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it." "What's it called? Eve asked. "The ability to have multiple orgasms" said God.

There are only eleven times in history where the ‘F’ word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. "What the fuck do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10. "What the fuck was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?" -- Gen. George Custer, 1877 8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so fucking look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926 6. "How the fuck did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the fuck are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998 and a drum roll please............! 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad." -- Saddam Hussein, 2003

CONFUCIUS SAYS - Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.

There once was a man from Bel Air.
He wanted to fuck a bear.
He pulled down his pants,
He began to romance,
Now he has just one ball and some hair.

Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.

There once was a man from Franzini,
Who spilled some Gin on his weenie,
Not being uncouth,
He added Vermouth,
And slipped his date a Martini!

COMEBACKS FOR "WHY AREN'T YOU MARRIED"Because I don't like having a 50% chance of some day losing everything that is important to me. You haven't asked yet.What? And spoil my great sex life?Just lucky, I guess.I'm waiting until I get to be your age.I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.Why aren't you thin?
I just heard about a couple I know who have decided to get married They should get along great - she's a proctologist and he's an asshole.
Here’s a no fail diet – the Italian Pasta Diet:
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

Nominated for 'Quote of the Year' is the statement made by Texas Congressman Dick Armey when asked, "If you had been in President Clinton's place, would you have resigned?" Armey's reply: "If I had been in the president's place I would not have gotten the chance to resign. I would have been lying in a pool of my own blood, looking up, and listening to my wife ask, "How do you reload this, you son of a bitch?""

The Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a sure-fire method for making absolutely certain that people entering the program are NEVER found by anyone. They just change the witness's name to G. Spot.

It isn't vote fraud unless you can prove those dead guys would have voted the other way.

Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash.

If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings.

It has been said that men ask for a woman's hand in marriage because they are tired of using their own.

Ain't It The Truth:Most people deserve each other.All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.The one who snores will fall asleep first.The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

HELPFUL HINT
Here's the scene: You're shopping; your car has a remote button to lock/unlock it, you locked your keys in the car, your spare remote is at home (or someone else has the other remote), you don't have OnStar installed in your car, the person with the other remote is across town, or even out of state, and can't bring your spare keys to you., how do you unlock your car? Using a cell phone call the person with the other remote, hold the cell phone close to the car door, have them press the unlock button and presto your car is unlocked! You could be a block away or hundreds of miles away for this to work. This also works with other features on your remote: honk horn, unlock trunk, etc..

The average human body holds enough: sulfur to kill all the fleas on an average dog, potassium to fire a toy cannon, carbon to make 900 pencils, fat to make7 bars of soap, 10 gallons of water, and phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads.
Men's brains are like our prison system…Not enough cells, per man.

The best reason for getting a divorce is for health reasons. Your mate makes you sick.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He'll lie about other things too.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Why did the Amish wife apply for a divorce? Her husband was driving her buggy.

Oldie Goldie that bears repeating:
An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, fuming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk........ Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

Putting the Glass Down:A lecturer was giving a lecture to his student on stress management. He raised a glass of water and asked the audience, "How heavy do you think this glass of water is?" The students' answers ranged from 20g to 500gm. "It does not matter on the absolute weight. It depends on how long you hold it.If I hold it for a minute, it is OK.If I hold it for an hour, I will have an ache in my right arm.If I hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance.It is the exact same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.""If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, we will not be able to carry on, the burden becoming increasingly heavier." "What you have to do is to put the glass down, rest for a while before holding it up again." We have to put down the burden periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on. So before you return home from work tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it back home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders, let it down for a moment if you can. Pick it up again later when you have rested...Rest and relax. Life is short, enjoy it!!WORDS TO LIVE BYAccept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.Never buy a car you can't push.Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, andall are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today....

In honour of the late great Johnny Carson:
History Of The World (in 4 minutes) by Johnny Carson One of the most brilliant moments on television was when Johnny gave us the "Complete History of the World in 4 Minutes," while two Eggo waffles were popped into a 4-minute toaster. Wet and dark and cold and smelly, prehistoric floating jelly. Lightning flashes, water cloudy, jelly walking, saying "howdy!" Two amoebas whoopee-making, sex is born, and so is faking. Soon there's grass and trees and roses, things with tails that ain't got noses. Birdies Eatin' Worms and fishes, Lizard chompin' on the missus. Noah's moas, Noah's boas, All from tiny protozoas. Reptiles getting big and cocky, Pterodactyl eats your doggie, geeses, meeses, weasels, camels, add some boobs ... hey, you got mammals! Monkey playing on Savannah, great-great aunt of Daryl Hannah. Double ice-age, double whammies, cavemen skinning bears for jammies. Bows and arrows, quest for fire, Neanderthal invents the tire. Ploughs, cows, bigger brows, all the stuff that brains allows. Cro-Magnons' artistic itchins, painting bisons in their kitchens. Middle east invents the hoe, Tutankhamen is wrapped to go. Wall of China, fall of Troy, Mrs. Plato, it's a boy! Chinese guy invents the compass, Sphinx's nose goes caddy-whumpus. Greeks tweaks weaks noses, discus throwers' naked poses. birth of Buddha, birth of Rome, Caesar shoulda stayed at home. Alexander on the brink, Socrates has one last drink. Rome's flames climbs higher, Nero playing "Light my fire." Wise men follow eastern star, Christmas comes but once so far. Eclipses measured by the Mayans, Christians gobbled up by lions. Nobles dining, peasants whining, Roman empire starts declining. Tons of huns in every village, wearing T-shirts, "Born to Pillage." Byzantines defeat the vandals, There's Mohammed wearing sandals. Holy roman Empire founded, Vikings tell the world "You're grounded!" Raping, looting, burning, stealing, Ain't the Army life appealing? Leif Ericsson, Navy nominee, Year one thousand, Anno Domini Waiting out the storm he's lost in Hangs a left, discovers Boston. French invade while Brits not looking, still can't rescue British cooking, Four crusades and then all bets off, Genghis Kahn is lopping heads off. Mongol hordes are mongol hording, stealing what they ain't affording. Bow replaced by gun and cartridge, lousy time to be a partridge. Middle ages comes in stages, Knights in armor all the rages. Black death killing half of France, Your legs fall off inside your pants. Printing press an aid to learning, Joan of Arc says, "What's that burning?" Spanish inquisition gruesome, stretching makes a guy a twosome Columbus says to Ferdinand, "Look what I found; lots more land." Da Vinci flaunts his Renaissances, Martin Luther takes his chaunces. Rubens' reputation grows on sketching babes without their clothes on. Norse's forces plot new courses, Henry Eighth invents divorces. Mary Queen of Scots beheaded, real bad way to end up deaded. Spain's Armada turned and ran, The Shoguns divvy up Japan. Says King James, theologizing, "Gee, the Bible needs revising." Indians eye some beads and satin, gain some jewelry, lose Manhattan. Drake wonders where he got to, Shakespeare writes, "To be or not to." Galileo on the run, thinks the earth goes round the sun; says "It's in my telescope." "No it isn't," says the Pope. Noah Webster starts with "A..." That's why you can't spell today. Spinning Jenny used by many, Cotton Dockers half a penny. King George taxes tea and foodstuffs, then goes on to really rude stuffs. Favors labors, rattles sabers, Paul Revere wakes up the neighbors. Betsy stitches stars and stripes, Jefferson declares his gripes. Revolution, Constitution, Franklin risks electrocution. Pasteur dreams a nifty cure up, Bonaparte is creaming Europe. "Let them eat cake" Antoinette says, "Lose the bimbo," Lafayette says. Guillotines are record holders, separating heads from shoulders. James Monroe stands up and vows, "There's a doctrine in the house." Beethoven has golden gift, takes a second, writes the Fifth, Bright idea of Samuel Morse's Lays off fifty thousand horses. Europe fused, Swiss excused, Queen Victoria not amused. Dickens warrants "My next trick'll be writing all of Nicholas Nickelby." Karl Marx gathers flunkies, Darwin says we're mostly monkeys. Civil War a nation bloodies, four years later: back to buddies. Bell's phones ruins slumber, Watson gets unlisted number. Edison takes volt and amp, tells his wife, "I fixed your lamp." Freud perplexes both the sexes, makes his patients nervous wreckses 1903 year of flight, Orville barfs on Wilbur Wright. Kaiser sore, world at war, one-to-nothing final score, Then when Germans feeling better, Second game of double-header. Frank's Yanks tanks win, Checkpoint Charlie in Berlin Girls swoon, Beatles tune, Yankee golfing on the moon. Watergate's missing tapes, Darwin's right about the apes "Read my lips...no new taxes." Lincoln spinning on his axis. That's our history, mighty terse, If you don't like it... you got a verse? At that point, the waffles shot out of the toaster, Johnny caught them, put them on a plate, added syrup and that was that. All in 4 minutes.

Most gay guys don’t like chess because every so often, they have to sacrifice a queen.

I once had a girlfriend that was so skinny; every time her nipples got hard she would tip over.

The difference between a woman's and a man’s zipper is that when a woman unzips her pants her brains don't fall out!

Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by bus; they plan to call it mass transit.

God probably wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

One evening as my wife and I were dining together at a restaurant, she pointed to a woman seated at a table and said, "There's my gynecologist, Dr. Knowles." I said, "Why don't you go over and say hi to her?" She replied, "That's okay, she probably wouldn't know my face anyway."

Alex and Harry are extremely good-hearted volunteers who make the time to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals. At one such home recently, as they finished their shtick singing songs and telling jokes, Alex bade the oldsters farewell by saying, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

A friend shared these comments after recently watching the fun and hokey early 60s Epic, "The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire". There was the incomparable Alec Guiness as Caesar addressing his Generals and their thousands of soldiers (without a microphone!). He claimed that almost all the known world was now under Roman rule and when Rome had achieved its mission there would be no more conflicts and a state of "Pax Romana" would ultimately be global. He claimed that there were only two peoples to be subdued, The Barbarians in the North and The Persians in the East! As we today seem in the midst of a “Pax Americana”, I do hope Bush is more focused on the Persians than on we Barbaric Canadians!

These are real APTRONYMS...names that match the occupations.
Dr. Harry Beaver is a Virginia gynecologist.Ray Ferrie is a retired ferry boat captain.Linda Toot was the principal flute and William Basson was the bassoonist in the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra.The current Florida Bar direcectory lists eight lawyers whose surname is "Law." They outnumber the Justices, of whom only four are listed. One Just. One Juster. Two Judges, neither of whom is a judge. One Council, but no Counsel.Miss Cashdollar was the treasurer of a gradeschool.Mr. Sues is a lawyer.The 2001-2 Membership and Referral Directory of the American Urological Association includes 9 Dr. Peters, 11 Dr. Wang, 4 Dr. Wiener, 4 Dr. Cox, 1 Dr. Dick, 3 Dr. Philpott, 1 Dr. Urich, 1 Dr. John Thomas and 1 Dr. InsoftThe lead bass singer in the group *NSync is Lance Bass (but he pronounces it like the fish).Richard Seed is a pioneer of reproductive technology.Cardinal Jaime Sin is former head of the Catholic Church in the Philippines.Prof. Martin Braine is an American cognitive psychologist.Prof. John Wisdom is an American philosopher.Dr. Mishe Feinmesser (which means knife), is an Israeli surgeon.Dr. Fingers is a well-know gynecologist in Australia.Lake Speed is a NASCAR driver.Dr. Dick Bone is an osteopath.Patricia Feral is an animal rights activist in Stamford, CT.A guy name Hooker runs a bait shop.George Hammer used to own a hardware store in Louisville, KY. His son, Pete Hammer, now owns it.The expert on deformed frogs (a problem in Minnesota) is Professor Hoppe of Southwest University of Minnesota.In Maine, there is a veterinarian named Dr. Beever and a physician named Dr. DeKay.Bruce Payne and David Swett are authors.There is a law firm in California called Payne & Fears who represent employers in employment litigation.At the British Guards Depot, the chief medical officer was a Captain Blood, his assistant was Lieutenant Butcher; the Dental Officer was a Major Savage.Dr. I. Doctor, Eye Doctor, is an opthalmologist.A used car dealership was owned by Karl Krook.At the Oscar Mayer plant in Madison, WI, the FED meat inspector is named Mr. Carrion.Dr. Metzger is an orthopedic surgeon. The name translated from German means "butcher."Jared Wooley raises sheep and Dr. Bone is an orthopedist in Buffalo, NY. Back in the '70s there were two urologists in Rochester, NY named Dr. Cocky and Dr. Wee. Dr. David Toothaker is a dentist in Arkansas.There is also a Dr. Coffin, Dr. Fearing, Dr. Sorrow, Dr. Pray and Dr. Death (pronounced Deeth) who should probably change his name or his profession.And not to be outdone by Yanks, Bracebridge, Ontario, Canada, boasts of an optometrist named Gord Looker, an electrician named Bruce Sparks, a heating contractor named Mr. Freeze, a sawmill operator named Jordan Plank, and Jim Crook manages the local penitentiary while his assistant is Susan Penwarden.Dr. Tom Fillar is a dentist.Sir Russell Brain is a famous English neurologist.Dr. Hertz was a dentist in Ft. Lauderdale.Rev. D. Goodenough is a Methodist minister.Roland Cruz is an auto mechanic.Dr. Slaughter is an oral surgeon.

Where do they put pictures of missing transvestites? On the back of half-and-half cartons.

There once was a young man from Bel Air.
Who wanted to romance a bear.
He pulled down his pants,
He began his advance,
Now he has only one ball and some hair.

There was an old man named Ringer,
Was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"Now, I've got it in."
She said, "You mean that's not your finger?"


From a Saskatchewan Farm Kid In RCMP Training.
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the RCMP beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places gets filled up. I was kinda restless at first because we has to stay in bed till near 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer alls you gots to do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine stuff. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Perty near nothing. Men's got to shave but it's not so bad, there's warm water! Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kinda weak on chops, taters, ham, steak, fried beans, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that jest drinks coffee. Their food plus'n yours holds you till noon when you get fed again!
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Drill Corporal says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but kinda bumpy.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The S/Sgt is like a principal. Srgt/Maj. and Inspectors just ride around and frown, like its gonna rain and there's wheat to combine. They don't bother you none.
This next part will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keeps getting medals for shootin. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near s big as a chipmunk head and it don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you gots to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You gets to wrestle with all them city boys. I has to be real careful though, they break easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds, dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers gets onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Betsy

Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day in Newfoundland. When it became too breezy for one man, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open. A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and stunning the man with the backwards coat. Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he asked the Newfie policeman standing nearby: "What happened?" "Well, the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the head of the other one straightened around, he was dead, too."

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
Wisdom from Grandpa .......Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's alreadyused to taking orders.Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing

"This Is Good" Attitude:
The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!" One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation, the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is not good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail. About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so, I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this." "No," his friend replied, "This is good!" "What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?" "If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you."

How Florida was Begat! (author unknown)There were 12 tribes of Israel. Two tribes, we know, settled in the south of Canaan, and 10 tribes settled in the north. In 722 BCE, Israel lost track of 10 of its tribes. No written word in history books could ever explain the disappearance of the Ten Lost Tribes of Israel. Each leader of the 12 tribes was a son of Jacob. Can you imagine 12 brothers getting along? It just didn't work. They had to separate and move away from one another. The wives of the brothers were at each others' throats all the time and driving them crazy. You can imagine the women saying, "Nu, so look at your brother's wife. She has a bigger tent than I do and has more jewels on her fingers. I should have married your brother." The brothers decided they couldn't stand the tumult and the kvetching any longer so they would move away from one another but they would try to keep in touch. Ten brothers went north; two went south. The trials and tribulations of the two tribes that went south remain in our history books. The other 10 tribes' saga is a mystery.I have a theory. The 10 tribes from the north had a meeting and decided it was too cold to stay up north, so they trekked down to the south and established a new homeland. They called it Florida. It was a state of golden sunshine, a land of milk and honey. It was warm there. Everyone was Jewish. They ate three meals a day. They ate dinner early in the evening so they could get a good night's sleep and not have to drive at night. There were orange groves nearby. They could send grapefruit and oranges to their relatives in other tribes. There were other natives living there from distant lands, who would clean their tents for a minimum of wages. And the weather was always beautiful, maybe, a little hot at times, but not so terrible. They had hairdressers and manicurists and clubhouses with activities so they could all play together. It was the Promised Land. So what do you think happened? Word got out. Lantzmen from all over the country heard about this new Jewish Homeland. They started arriving in droves in big Lincolns and Lexusim, and they all spoke with different accents. They were from the Land of the Northeast: New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Connecticut, and Massachusetts. No one was from Wyoming or Idaho. The 10 tribes began to adopt the customs of these newcomers. For instance, the New Yorkers introduced the others to delicatessen: big corned beef sandwiches, and to cheesecake: big thick creamy slices, and to bagels. Bagels were made from round pieces of dough with holes in them. The people from Philadelphia introduced the others to cream cheese; and nu, there was a match: New York bagels and Philadelphia cream cheese. Bostonians tried to teach the other lantzmen the King's English and proper diction, but the others could never learn how to say "cahr" correctly or to speak without an accent. They did learn to like Boston baked beans, however. People from New Jersey taught the others how to build long roads. They said they had a very long road in New Jersey that allowed transportation to flow smoothly. The idea was adopted and called a turnpike. Some of these turnpikes today are called parking lots. Tribesmen from Connecticut tried to convince the other tribal members to open a gambling casino. They believed they could make a great deal of money. However, the Jews frowned upon gambling and advised letting another tribe come along someday and make a go of that idea. Oy, did the Jews miss an opportunity then. Another tribe did just that, and they are making lots of wampum today in Connecticut. This is how Florida was begat. Floridians are descendants of the 10 tribes of Israel. We are not lost anymore. We are farmished at times, but we are not lost. We all live happily ever after.

A lady dining in a fine restaurant is about to take a bite when she turns to the man at the table next to her. "Pardon me, sir" she says. "Your napkin has fallen on the floor." "Oi! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blindt." He reachesdown to find his napkin. Once it's back on his lap, he asks her if he has spilled any food on his shirt. "Hardly at all," she answers, "just a few cracker crumbs." "Tanks, again, Missus," he replies, brushing them off. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings." A few moments later, he inquires again, "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?" "Not at all," she replies. "I don't do vell vit the ladies. Do you tink I'm ugly?" "You're quite presentable," she replies. "That shouldn't be a problem." Smiling now, he exults, "Vat a relief. I vas alvays afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you." A few more moments pass and the lady speaks up. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks. "Soitenly! Listen, I'll take all de help what you've got I vill take," he answers. "Lose the Jewish accent." she replies. "You're a Shvartza."

Top Ten Rejected Books by Jewish Authors:
10. Portnoy Is No Longer Complaining: Philip Roth writes this sequel about his hero, Alexander Portnoy in which he has nothing to complain about. In fact, for a whole 312 pages, Portnoy reassures us that in fact he "is fine and pretty well adjusted."
9. War and a Piece of Cheesecake: Herman Wouk's attempt to write about the Goldstein family and their fight over the last piece of cheesecake in the fridge left from Shavuoth.
8. Michael and Me, the Strangest Pairing Since Borscht and Sour Cream: Rabbi Shmuely Boteach explores the relationship he has with Michael Jackson
7. Mein Camp: Mel Brooks writes a "campy" version of Mein Kampf in which he Desperately looks for the jokes that were unused in the Producers.
6. Confessions of a Shiksa: A compilation of short stories in which non-Jewish women admit that they really married those Jewish doctors for their money, not love.
5. In My Father's Basketball Court: Isaac Bashevis Singer discusses how he "got schooled" by his father in a one-on-one game with his "Tatti." The problem is that Singer discusses this one 7-point game for 745 pages, which makes for very boring reading.
4. How To Marry The Asian Teenager of Your Dreams: Woody Allen's dating tips.
3. How High: The unauthorized biography of Reb Shlomo Carlebach brought to you by the writers of VH1's Behind the Music.
2. The Red Tent: a story of one woman’s plight to stand up to her mother about the colors for her wedding canopy.
1. Chicken Schmaltz for the Soul: A collection of vignettes about gaining weight around the Jewish holidays.

To all you guacamoledunking, porkrind eating, cheesiechucking, chilisucking, pizzascarfing, beerswilling, armchair quarterbacks out there, have a greeeeeeeeeat Superbowl! And who couldn't enjoy a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while millions of people who really need the exercise, eat, drink, sit and watch! Have a good one!

A state senator from Tennessee, by the name of John Ford, is in court for child support and he revealed he lives with his divorced wife and their three kids three days a week. He lives with his girlfriend and their two kids the other four days a week. He's being sued by another girlfriend for child support and his ex-wife is pregnant by him again. But the good news today he was given the Jerry Springer lifetime achievement award - Jay Leno

There is a big hotel war going on in the United States. Did you know that? Marriot has announced they will upgrade their bedding to 300 thread count, 60% cotton sheets and a down comforter and 4 to 6 pillows per bed. Radisson has countered with a 250 thread count sheets and a firmness adjustable mattress. And Motel 6 announced they're not changing their thread count, but they will throw in the hooker for half price.

"Have you seen this commercial for Viagra? The guy comes home, he's rushing around, he's cleaning the house, he's cooking dinner, he's setting the table, he's putting flowers and candles out before his wife gets home. Do you think women watching the commercial go, 'Never mind the sex. Where do I find a pill to get my husband to do all of that?'" - Jay Leno

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme was, Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone. Here’s their top ten:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Tastes great! More Filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis..... This is your penis on drugs

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

At a Dude Ranch the cowboy preparing the horses asked the blonde if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was. When he told her one had a horn and one didn't, the blonde replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

The first morning of the honeymoon was quite a scare for Trump's new wife. She woke up and saw what his hair looked like in the morning.

The NHL Players Association (NHLPA) announced today that they are upset at the NHL for planning to start next year's season with replacement players. Their statement was unanimously endorsed by the 75% of the NHL players who are currently replacing other players in Europe.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. And now a little Jewish humour:
Jewish Mothers don't differ from any other in the world when it comes to bragging about their sons. One Mother, trying to out-do another when it came to opportunities available to their just graduated-from-college sons said, "My Irving has had so many fine interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing."
Ben Gay lotion is now being imported into and sold in Israel. The company has mounted a massive advertising slogan with posters at bus stops all over Jerusalem at least. Their slogan: "Do you have Ben Gay in the closet?" The problem: in Hebrew, 'ben' means 'son;' there is no indefinite 'a' in Hebrew; 'gay' means the same thing as it does in English; and finally, in written Hebrew, there is no differentiation between 'a' and 'the' when it is part of 'in.' The end result: their slogan loudly asks "Do you have a gay son in the closet?" Try again, Ben Gay...
(A friend of mine is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.) Little Sam was out shopping with his mother, something he didn't like very much. But when they passed a toy store, Sam came to life. He saw a new toy in the window that he didn't have but wanted. Sam begged, pleaded and nagged but to no avail. He got so rude that his mother firmly said, "I'm very sorry Sam, but we didn't come out to buy you a toy." Sam angrily said, "I've never met a woman as mean as you." Holding his hand gently, she replied, "Sam, darling, one day you'll get married and then you will ... you really will, I promise you."
After the funeral the Rabbi said, "I don't think you'll ever find another man like your late husband Morris." The widow replied, "So who's looking for one?"
A Jewish Mama at the butcher: Mama says "I don't like the looks of this whitefish. "The butcher replies, "Lady, for looks you don't buy whitefish; you buy goldfish." Then moving on she says, "Oy, and this chicken, it has a broken leg." He says, "Look lady, you gonna eat it or dance with it?" She says, "And before you weigh the meat, take out the bones.” He says, "Lady, I buy with bones; you'll buy with bones." She says, "I don't pay with bones."He gives up, "All right, no bones.” Mama then comes out with the coup de grace, "Thank you, you are a gentleman. Now put the bones in a separate bag for soup. And never mind the meat. I don't like your meat anyhow."
Young Morris asked his father, "Dad, was Adam Jewish?" His father put down his newspaper and thought for a moment. He was an expert at Talmudic reasoning and in the art of making a point by an unanswerable question. He replied, "If we can determine that Eve was Jewish, my son, we would at once see that Adam was Jewish, for who but a Jew could bring himself to marry a Jewish girl?" (Here he turned his head a bit nervously to make sure his wife wasn't listening.) "Therefore, we can drop the Adam problem and instead ask ourselves, "Was Eve Jewish?" "To answer that, we have only to ask the question, "Would anyone but a Jewish girl say, 'Here, have a piece of fruit'?"

If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated. This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

Found on a tombstone in St. Louis, Missouri
G. Winch, the brewer, lies buried here.
In life he was both hale and stout.
Death brought him to his bitter bier.
Now in heaven he hops about.

On a headstone in Kent, England
Grim death took me
Without any warning.
I was well at night,
And dead in the morning.

I was behind an attractive woman in the checkout line at the local Walmart store. She was questioning the store's policy on returns. She pointed to a very sheer, sexy, lacy red-and-black negligee she had put on the check out counter to purchase, and asked, "Can I bring this back if it doesn't work?"

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. – Andy Rooney

According to a survey in Family Circle magazine, twenty-seven percent of men say that sex puts them in a peaceful state of mind. Fifty-eight percent say money causes them stress. So I guess cheaper hookers would make them ecstatic.

Scientists say second hand smoke may lead to cervical cancer. Just where are these people blowing their smoke?
Because I,m a man…- Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.
- Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of holy communion.
- Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
- Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys: cumin is a spice and not a bodily function.)
- Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
- Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
- Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
- Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
- Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
- Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
- Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like wandering around in the yard or garage with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men.

I'm Fine - How are you?
There's nothing the matter with me, I'm just as healthy as can be, I have arthritis in both knees, And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
All my teeth have had to come out, And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. And arch supports I need for my feet. Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.

Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning I find I'm all right. My memory's failing, my head's in a spin. But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. Old age is golden I've heard it said, But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed. With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up. And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself, Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I know my Youth has been spent, Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went! But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin, Of all the places my get-up has been. I get up each morning and dust off my wits, Pick up the paper and read the obits. If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed. The moral of this as the tale unfolds, Is that for you and me, who are growing old... It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.
What was the most popular lamp in Pompeii? The Lava Lamp

Did you hear about the new high school course? Intercourse ... you go between periods and you are expected to come.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs. -Richard Doty

If you were to lay every vein, artery and capillary in a human’s body end to end, that person would probably die.

Getting old is soooo hard at times. Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip. Now, I walk funny, but my gums don't itch!

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?" "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??" "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: " I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, ! it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files?" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "! I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

The wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn bathrobe. The husband looked up from his newspaper and said, "Why can't you look like you did when we were first married?" "How can I?" she snapped back. "I'm not pregnant!"

Why do you think cunnilingus is commonly referred to as ‘eating’ while fellatio is called a ‘blow job’. These terms must have been invented by a woman to make the one sound enjoyable and the other like work.

A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown on. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. All night she noticed a young man, staring at her. In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you like my airplane, huh?" The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing field."

Finally, Christmas was over and the elves were taking off for their well deserved vacation. Chandro the Lead Elf says, "Man, I've been waiting for this for six months. I'm getting my ass down to Miami. I'm gonna do nothin, but suck down margaritas, bang as many babes as I can, and soak up the sun til I get this damn cold out of my bones." So he gets to Miami, checks into his hotel and then heads straight for the bar. He spots a gorgeous, tall, well built blonde sitting alone sipping a drink. So he goes over, climbs on the stool next to her and orders a margarita. He downs it, orders another one, downs that too. He smiles at the blonde and says, "Hi sweetie, I'm Chandro, Santa's lead elf. What would you say to a little fuck?" She looks down and says. "Hello, you little fuck."

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar - ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They look at each other, and then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same." "Wow. That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida. They're waiting for happy hour."

We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a doughnut shop. When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked. "No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like doughnuts, I hate to let you go.

Fox has once again assured viewers and advertisers that this year's Super Bowl halftime show would contain no barely-clothed performers, just the usual barely talented ones.Fox Sports said the Super Bowl would use four cameras embedded in the field. It's a view from the ground up. Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction last year will seem like the good old days if a cheerleader forgets to wear her underwear. - Argus HamiltonThere's a new book out called, ARE YOU NORMAL? According to the book, 76% of guys would rather watch an important football game than have sex. The other 24% said that's what half time is for. - Jay Leno

Last week was Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication -- and the other involves a groundhog.

The other evening I went upstairs to find my wife flipping through the channels, hoping to catch a rerun of "The West Wing." I asked, rhetorically, "Anything on tonight?" "Nah," she said, flipping. "Just the State of the Union Address. But I'd rather watch the fake president than the real one."

A talkative golfer complained to a friend one day about a rude fellow who was in the clubhouse with him. "The man must have yawned four or five times while I was talking," he said. "Maybe he wasn't yawning," the friend commented. "Maybe he was just trying to say something."

Did you hear about the bald man who cut holes in his pockets so he could run his fingers through his hair!

For most men there are three stages of hair: parted, unparted and departed.

You know my wife is constantly correcting me and it’s starting to get on my nerves. Last week I thought and thought to come up with a quick comeback that could get her to lay off me for a while. The moment finally arrived this week when she corrected me yet again, and I was ready. I said, ”You know, even a broken clock is right once a day." She just looked at me and replied, "Twice."

A clip from "The Tonight Show" out-takes (censored) shows Johnny Carson introducing sex symbol actress Raquel Welch in the mid- 70's. She was appearing to promote a new film. When Johnny introduced her, she came on stage dressed in her usual provocative fashion... but was also carrying a rather large house cat. Judging by Johnny's look, the cat wasn't part of the rehearsal. After much audience jubilance, Raquel took her seat next to Johnny with her cat resting on her lap. The first words out of her grinning mouth were, "Johnny, would you like to pet my pussy?" Without missing a beat, Johnny replied, "I'd love to, but your cat's in the way."

"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."

Two men were overheard talking somewhat jealously about the infidelities of an office Romeo. "I do not know how he gets away with it," said one fellow. "The only thing I've ever done behind my wife's back is to zip her up."

Well told oldie goldie:
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a Few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just hold on," said the hit man calmly, "if you’re patient I think I can save you a thousand bucks"

If you masturbate with both hands, is that considered a menage a trois?

25 SIGNS YOU'VE GROWN UP
01. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
02. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
03. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
04. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
05. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
06. You watch the Weather Channel.
07. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
08. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
09. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Oldie Goldie:
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last…P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget

You know, we should stop making fun of all those rednecks living in mobile homes. Just think about it - if their house catches fire, they can meet the fire department halfway!

A billionaire in Texas has hired the Rolling Stones to play at his sixtieth birthday party. Mick and Keith say that playing the sixtieth birthday party will be a great chance to keep in touch with their younger fans.

A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks, "Wid all them there lawsuits goin on, I'm feeling kinda left out .... hows a bye get in on some of dat action? I hear da people are suing sum cigarette companies 'cause dey got cancer, and others are suin' the Big Mac company cause dey got 'emselves fat." His lawyer asks, "And which one of those categories do you fit in?" The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul answers, "Neider, I jes wanna know if I can sue Labatt's beer boys for all da ugly women Oi've slept wit."

In Japan, a prostitute is claiming that by having sex with someone, she gains the ability to tell their fortune. The woman, who works out of a brothel in Nagoya, says that she has read the futures of over 1,000 men in the last year by performing oral sex on them... You’re supposed to use a crystal ball lady, a CRYSTAL ball!

SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!! A row of bottles on my shelf Caused me to analyze myself. One yellow pill I have to pop Goes to my heart so it won't stop. A little white one that I take Goes to my hands so they won't shake. The blue ones that I use a lot Tell me I'm happy when I'm not. The purple pill goes to my brain And tells me that I have no pain. The capsules tell me not to wheeze Or cough or choke or even sneeze. The red ones, smallest of them all Go to my blood so I won't fall. The orange ones, very big and bright Prevent my leg cramps in the night. Such an array of brilliant pills Helping to cure all kinds of ills. But what I'd really like to know. Is what tells each one where to go!

There once was a naval cadet Who's dreams where usually wet Dreaming of his wedding He soaked up the bedding And the wedding ain’t taken place yet!!!

Practice what you preach?
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first. After riding the bike around a little while he said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the motor. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at the damned thing to get it started." The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that rope a while - it'll come back to you."

Gladys was new in town and decided to visit the church nearest to her new apartment. She appreciated the pretty sanctuary and the music by the choir, but the sermon went on and on. Worse, it wasn't very interesting. Glancing around, she saw many in the congregation nodding off. Finally it was over. After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn." He replied, "You and me both!"

Recently, I was on a plane that had taken off and was approaching cruising altitude, when one of the flight attendants came on the public- address system. She announced that she was sorry, but the plane's restrooms were out of order. The flight attendant went on to apologize to the passengers for any inconvenience. But then she finished cheerily with: "So, as compensation, free drinks will be served." It was about then that I noticed the flight attendant was blonde.

We had just finished our newborn son’s first checkup with our pediatrician. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby." Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all new parents." "No," he replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking." "So what do you say to the others?" I asked. "He looks just like you." A little Jewish humour:Benny the psychiatrist got a postcard one morning from one of his patients. It read, "Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here so you could tell me why."
Esther goes to the police station to report that her husband Irving was missing. "Can you give me a description of him?" asked the officer. "He's short and bald and skinny and wrinkled and wears dentures," says Esther. "Come to think of it,
most of him was missing before he was."

When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah wouldn’t stop complaining that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. Sam finally said, “Look I’ve had a hard day. Enough already about the towels!” Sarah said. "But they were the two best towels we had....you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation!"

Some Will Rogers quotes:
Always drink upstream from the herd.An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate. What's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.Communism is like prohibition - it's a good idea but it won't work.Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.Don't gamble. Take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it 'til it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.If I could kick the person in the tail that causes me the most problems I could not sit down for a week.If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
Some Steven Wright quotes:
A fool and his money are soon partying.A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press?Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.Half the people you know are below average.Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>. I go down to the pet store - "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
Bob Hopisms:
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

I deliberately sent this out after Valentine’s Day in case anyone was tempted!
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but the least romantic second line. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I thought that I could love no other. Until, that is, I met your brother. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. Of loving beauty you float with grace. If only you could hide your face. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; this describes everything you are not. I want to feel your sweet embrace but don't take that paper bag off of your face. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies! My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? My feelings for you no words can tell except for maybe "go to hell." What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine’s Day to be special, So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration. In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them. He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, ...“Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.” ... With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, “Yes, and ... with fronds like these, who needs anemones.

As I'm sure you've heard by now, Prince Charles will be marrying his longtime girlfriend Camilla Parker Bowles. They will marry on April 8th and if you'd like to get them a gift, I think they're registered at Homely Depot.

"This week, the president of General Motors was forced to recall over 100,000 hummers. Experts say the only person able to recall more hummers is Paris Hilton." - Conan O'Brien

A worldwide anti-terrorism conference was held recently in Saudi Arabia. An anti-terrorism conference in Saudi Arabia?! That's kind of like having a child protection conference at the Neverland Ranch. - Jay Leno

A former America Online employee pleaded guilty yesterday to swiping a list of 92 million E-mail screen names and selling them to spammers. The only way an AOL employee could get so many email names is by taking them from the list of people who were canceling America Online. - Jake Novak

There are more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute Casino Chips as opposed to cash. Since there are so many Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted for the respective casino the chips belong to, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he is known as . . . . Are you ready? You're going to love this - The CHIP-MONK

A very distinguished looking, elegantly-dressed individual hails a taxicab. Cabbie says, "So where do you want to go to?" The fare replies, "My good man, I am a professor of the English language, and you have just committed an egregious faux pas. It is grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition. As you may or may not know, the word "to" is a preposition. I implore you to correct this embarrassing error - please try to reconstitute the sentence in such a way that it does not end with the word "to," I beg of you." Cabbie looks at the man for a moment, and then says "All right." "So where do you want to go to - asshole!!"

The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, ‘no fat’, ‘low fat’, ‘reduced fat’ and ‘fat, but great personality’.

The teacher in our bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, "If only we had meat to eat!" she began ."Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month--until you loathe it. "The woman paused, looked up and said...."Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"