From CNN (Wednesday, 12:58 GMT):It has been reported that, in order to deal with the threat of bird flu, President Bush has decided to bomb the Canary Islands.
The National Transportation Safety Board is recommending that airlines weigh the passengers as they get on to make sure flights are not too heavy. That's when you know our nation is getting too heavy. When our big butts are capable of making jet aircrafts fall from the sky. You thought it was embarrassing when they slap that 'weight limit exceeded' sticker on your luggage! Wait until they're putting them on your ass! - Jay Leno
According to statistics, there are over seven million people who are overweight. Of course these are only round figures.
If you think things improve with age, you probably never attended a class reunion.
If a fellow gets married, but finds a temptation elsewhere, hears about it from his wife when she finds out, and finds himself served with papers, you can sum up the experience as: Hitched, Itched, Bitched, Ditched.
"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": Fighting, Fleeing, Feeding; and .............Mating.
Another year has passed and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter and winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts,to put down on my pad,
But lots of things that come to mindthat make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long agowhen life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understandabout "Living in the Past"
We used to go to weddings,football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body achesand while the night away.
We used to go out dining,and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,come home and take a pill.
We used to often travelto places near and far.
Now we get sore fanny'sfrom riding in the car.
We used to go out shoppingfor new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...all the sizes are too small.
We used to go to nightclubsand drink a little booze.
Now we stay at home at night and watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...before you're too darned old!
author unknown
My wife and I were watching a TV ad for a stop-snoring product. The lovely lady in the ad opined,”Nothing ruins a romantic mood like snoring." My wife riposted, If you’re snoring, believe me, the romantic mood is already over!
SLANGDAMONIUM WORD FOR TODAY - duh-rectionsThe rent-a-cop scratched himself as he struggled to come up with the duh-rections Jill needed.DEFINITION: When you stop someone to ask directions, and they know less than you do.
She…………………….
She had been married so many times that she had rice marks on her face.
She had such bony legs that when she sat down, her knees made a fist.
She had so many double chins that she could wear a string of pearls without the string.
She spent so much time in parked cars that they are now showing her on some road maps.
She was so bowlegged and he was so knock-kneed that when they stood together they spelled OX.
She was so cheap that she only did crossword puzzles vertically so that she wouldn’t have to come across.
She was so cheap that she used only one ice cube when she had a headache.
She was so cross-eyed that she thought the sun set in the east.
She was so rich that she sent her dishes out to be dry-cleaned.
She was so thin that when she swallowed an olive three men left town.
She was so thin that when she wore a fur coat she looked like a pipe cleaner.
She was so ugly that when she walked into a room the mice jumped on a chair.
She was so ugly that when she was a child her parents always took her along so that they wouldn’t have to say good-bye.
She was so unattractive that she had to get BO to attract attention.
She was such a prude that she blushed when someone said “intersection.”
She had such a dull life that she looked forward to dental appointments.
She had such bad luck that her contacts got cataracts.
She had a nose so upturned that every time she sneezed, she blew her hat off.
TALLULAH BANKHEAD QUOTES (1903 - 1968)
"I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me."
"I'm as pure as the driven slush."
"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time."
"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
You can't take it with you. If you could, hearses would come with roof racks.
On the subject of stupidity:
- "Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education." -Bertrand Russell
- "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -Albert Einstein
- "Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." -Martin Luther King, Jr.
- "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." -Anonymous
- "Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change." -Confucius
- "The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt." -Bertrand Russell
- "Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders." -Sloan Wilson
- "A stupid child is ruin to a father, and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain."-The Bible: Hebrew, Proverbs 19:13.
- "Stupid is as stupid does."-Forrest Gump
- "'Stupid as a man,' say the women: 'cowardly as a woman,' say the men.
Stupidity in a woman is unwomanly."-Friedrich Nietzsche
- "The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."-Thomas Szasz
- "When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."-George Bernard Shaw
- "To be stupid and selfish and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless."-Gustave Flaubert
- "Sure the people are stupid: the human race is stupid. Sure Congress is an inefficient instrument of government. But the people are not stupid enough to abandon representative government for any other kind, including government by the guy who knows."-Bernard Devoto
- "There is no cure for stupid wives and willful children."-Chinese proverb
- "A clever wife often sleeps with a stupid husband."-Chinese proverb
- "Unless one pretends to be stupid and deaf, it is difficult to be a mother-in-law or father-in-law."-Chinese proverb
- "The ugly and the stupid have the best of it in this world. They can sit at their ease and gape at the play. If they know nothing of victory, they are at least spared the knowledge of defeat."-Oscar Wilde
- "You even called me stupid in your verse, and I’m almost agreeing, for where stupidity is involved, you are quite an expert, friend."-Franz Grillparzer
- "Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives."-Oscar Wilde
- "One always has the idea of a stupid man as perfectly healthy and ordinary, and of illness as making one refined and clever and unusual."-Thomas Mann
- "The only thing that ever consoles man for the stupid things he does is the praise he always gives himself for doing them."-Oscar Wilde
- "I had rather be an oyster than a man, the most stupid and senseless of animals."-George Berkeley
- "It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."-George Bernard Shaw
- "We have no words for speaking of wisdom to the stupid. He who understands the wise is wise already."-G.C. Lichtenberg
- "There are only two races on this planet-the intelligent and the stupid."-John Fowles
- "Between a fellow who is stupid and honest and one who is smart and crooked, I will take the first. I won’t get much out of him, but with that other guy I can’t keep what I’ve got."-Gen Lewis B Hershey, Director, Selective Service System
- "One must be a little foolish, if one does not want to be even more stupid."-Michel de Montaigne
- "I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid."-P.J. O’Rourke
- "Only in Britain could it be thought a defect to be 'too clever by half.' The probability is that too many people are too stupid by three-quarters."-John Major
- "You have to believe in God before you can say there are things that man was not meant to know. I don’t think there’s anything man wasn’t meant to know. There are just some stupid things that people shouldn’t do."-David Cronenberg
I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes." I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness. Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"
Amir Peretz (Labour Party candidate in the upcoming Israeli election) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company. "Comrades - Haverim. On your behalf we have agreed on a new deal with the management. You will no longer work five days a week." "Hooray!" goes the crowd. "You will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM." "Hooray!", goes the crowd, again. "You will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM." "Hooray!" "You have a 150% pay rise." "Hooray!" "You will only work on Wednesdays." Silence, then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
My neighbour was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it or tell it.
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Friday Funnies March 10 06
Rejected titles for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN:
HIGH NOONER
JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
TRUE, HE GRITS
POLESMOKE
THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE
BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
PAINT YOUR FAG ON
HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
THE WILD BRUNCH
HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON
THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
VERY RAW HIDE
LONESOME DOUG
THE HOARSE SOLDIERS
DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN
MCCABE AND MR. MILLER
A FISTFUL OF NEDHI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES
QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
BAREBACK MOUNTING
BONE-NANZA
DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS
HOME ON THE RANGER
OKLAHOMO
ROOSTER COCKBURN
LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
PRANCES WITH WOLVES
BALONEY PONY RODEO
TUBESTEAK COWBOYS
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE FABULOUS
LASSO MY ASSO
Hustler magazine is getting ready to open the Hustler Bar & Grille in Las Vegas. Their slogan? 'When Hooters just isn't slutty enough!'
I have my own theory about global warming - it's caused by all of those Baby Boomer menopausal women and their hot flashes. (but don’t tell my wife I said that)
FEMALE GOLFING TERMS:
CADDY--2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.
CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.
DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose.
IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver."
TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight
Do you know the difference between husbands and prisoners? Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.
Cynics think that God invented the orgasm so women can moan even when they are happy.
From The Gloucester Citizen:A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing a 900 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."
A new doctor discovers that a young lady patient has crabs and doesn’t know how to give her the news. After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease. She says, "What?" He again responds, "Nixon's Disease." She says, "Level with me, Doc, what does it mean?" He responds, "Well Miss Jones, to put it very bluntly, . . . you've got bugs in your oval orifice."
Sex is like going to the gas station. Sometimes you get full service, and sometimes you have to go to self-serve.
Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NURSE WHEN...
• You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.
• You believe not all patients are annoying; some are unconscious.
• Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.
• You know the phone number of every late night delivery place by heart.
• You can only tell time by the 24-hour clock.• Almost everything can seem humorous...eventually.
• Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pocket.
• You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call you in to work.
• You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at the other table throw up.
• You notice you are using more 4-letter words than you did before you started nursing.
• You can intubate your friends at parties.
• You don't get excited about blood unless it's your own.
• You live by the motto: "to be right is only half the battle; to convince the doctor is more difficult".
• You've basted your Thanksgiving day turkey with a toomey syringe.
• You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your co-worker and to holler if they need help.
• Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is completely normal.
• Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.
• You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines.
• You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table on your dinner break and not be embarassed when you wake up.
• You avoid unhealthy-looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR.
• You throw a party for a co-worker and use a clean urinal for a lemonade pitcher and a bedsheet for a table cloth.
• You have to get dressed in "real clothes" because scrubs are what you live in and why can't they make jeans that comfortable?
• You often stay awake for 24+ hours at a time when you work at night and realize you don't need alcohol or drugs to hallucinate; only lack of sleep.
• Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.
• You have seen more penises than any prostitute.
• You've sworn to have "DNR" tattooed on your chest.
A Jewish man whose mother came from one of the countless Anatevka-like Russian shtetls so many decades ago, was thrilled he could take the 87-year-old to finally see "Fiddler on the Roof." He spared no expense: best seats, limo, the works. After the show he eagerly asked: "So Mom, what did you think? Did it bring back any memories?" His mother thought for a moment and then, giving the classic Jewish mother shrug and nod, said: "Yes. But I don't remember that much singing."
This is Station OYVEH Tel Aviv, 1830 on your dial, but for you, 1825!
"Did you hear about the new Jewish mother doll on the market?" When you pull her string she says: "Oy, enough with the string already?"
In an effort to prop up lagging sales for their Barbie doll and Ken Doll line, Mattel has targeted the little Jewish girl market with Barbie dolls that reflect Jewish culture.
- Kollel Barbie comes with several jobs as her accessories and a tummy that inflates and deflates in nine month cycles. Kollel Ken comes with a bench to sit on and a table to put his gemara on. Ken's head fits perfectly into the contours of the gemorah accessory and is equipped to drool and snore away the day while Barbie tends to the babies and her 17 jobs.
- Hasidic Barbie comes with permanent stockings and is bald, but you'll never know because it's covered with a state-of-the-art shpitzel and pillbox hat. Hasidic Ken comes with downward-looking eyes because he's not allowed to look at other dolls.
- Yeshivish Barbie comes with 84 snoods, 174 hats, 24 non-Indian hair sheitels and one tichel that allows her hair to show a bit when she's feeling naughty. Yeshivish Ken comes with one suit, one crumpled hat, and one pair of tzitzis that drag on the ground.
- Modern Barbie comes with pants, plus a helmet and body armour to protect her from the stones thrown at her by ultra-orthodox Ken dolls that come with the Meah Shearim playset.
- Upper West Side Barbie comes with 74 single Ken dolls she considers friends because she doesn't think of them "that way." Little does she know that 37 of the Ken dolls have like this totally huge crush on her. She also comes with Kleenexes to wipe away the tears that she sheds every time Skipper reminds her that "Friends" is over.
These new dolls, with their controversial accessories, did not go uncontested. Several organizations, including the Anti Defamation Kollel League, the Anti Defamation Hasidic League, the Anti Defamation Yeshivish League, the Anti Defamation Modern League and the Anti Defamation Upper West Side League have voiced concern over the stereotypes these dolls represent. In a press release, Mattel said, "Tough noogies, just WAIT till we come out with Nidah Barbie, we KNOW that's gonna push some buttons!"
There are three kinds of people: successful, unsuccessful, and those who present seminars to the second about how the first do it.
The Pharoah was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away to carve hieroglyphics into a stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . and virile . . . young men." The chips flew, but then suddenly ceased flying and the perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Greatness, but is virile spelled with one or two testicles?"
To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him little.To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A local television station in South Louisiana aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans. The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives. Without hesitation, the woman replied, “I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's.” The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
The good news about mid-life is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
You're getting old when On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "Hot oil, a little friction, and squealing", you tell her you'll have the car looked at first thing on Monday morning.
I never really noticed before but I guess I really am getting older. Last week my kids pointed out that my belt line creeps up a little higher every year. They predict that in two years I’ll have to undo my fly to scratch my chest.
A woman had her husband's ashes made into an egg timer when he died so he could still "help" in the kitchen.
An Indian chief spoke to his squaw one day. "I can't stand your constant sniffling. Is there anything I can get you to give you some relief." Answered the squaw, "'tis but for a linen cloth for which I hanker, Chief."
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
HIGH NOONER
JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
TRUE, HE GRITS
POLESMOKE
THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE
BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
PAINT YOUR FAG ON
HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
THE WILD BRUNCH
HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON
THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
VERY RAW HIDE
LONESOME DOUG
THE HOARSE SOLDIERS
DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN
MCCABE AND MR. MILLER
A FISTFUL OF NEDHI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES
QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
BAREBACK MOUNTING
BONE-NANZA
DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS
HOME ON THE RANGER
OKLAHOMO
ROOSTER COCKBURN
LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
PRANCES WITH WOLVES
BALONEY PONY RODEO
TUBESTEAK COWBOYS
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE FABULOUS
LASSO MY ASSO
Hustler magazine is getting ready to open the Hustler Bar & Grille in Las Vegas. Their slogan? 'When Hooters just isn't slutty enough!'
I have my own theory about global warming - it's caused by all of those Baby Boomer menopausal women and their hot flashes. (but don’t tell my wife I said that)
FEMALE GOLFING TERMS:
CADDY--2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.
CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.
DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose.
IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver."
TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight
Do you know the difference between husbands and prisoners? Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.
Cynics think that God invented the orgasm so women can moan even when they are happy.
From The Gloucester Citizen:A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing a 900 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."
A new doctor discovers that a young lady patient has crabs and doesn’t know how to give her the news. After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease. She says, "What?" He again responds, "Nixon's Disease." She says, "Level with me, Doc, what does it mean?" He responds, "Well Miss Jones, to put it very bluntly, . . . you've got bugs in your oval orifice."
Sex is like going to the gas station. Sometimes you get full service, and sometimes you have to go to self-serve.
Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NURSE WHEN...
• You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.
• You believe not all patients are annoying; some are unconscious.
• Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.
• You know the phone number of every late night delivery place by heart.
• You can only tell time by the 24-hour clock.• Almost everything can seem humorous...eventually.
• Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pocket.
• You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call you in to work.
• You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at the other table throw up.
• You notice you are using more 4-letter words than you did before you started nursing.
• You can intubate your friends at parties.
• You don't get excited about blood unless it's your own.
• You live by the motto: "to be right is only half the battle; to convince the doctor is more difficult".
• You've basted your Thanksgiving day turkey with a toomey syringe.
• You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your co-worker and to holler if they need help.
• Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is completely normal.
• Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.
• You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines.
• You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table on your dinner break and not be embarassed when you wake up.
• You avoid unhealthy-looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR.
• You throw a party for a co-worker and use a clean urinal for a lemonade pitcher and a bedsheet for a table cloth.
• You have to get dressed in "real clothes" because scrubs are what you live in and why can't they make jeans that comfortable?
• You often stay awake for 24+ hours at a time when you work at night and realize you don't need alcohol or drugs to hallucinate; only lack of sleep.
• Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.
• You have seen more penises than any prostitute.
• You've sworn to have "DNR" tattooed on your chest.
A Jewish man whose mother came from one of the countless Anatevka-like Russian shtetls so many decades ago, was thrilled he could take the 87-year-old to finally see "Fiddler on the Roof." He spared no expense: best seats, limo, the works. After the show he eagerly asked: "So Mom, what did you think? Did it bring back any memories?" His mother thought for a moment and then, giving the classic Jewish mother shrug and nod, said: "Yes. But I don't remember that much singing."
This is Station OYVEH Tel Aviv, 1830 on your dial, but for you, 1825!
"Did you hear about the new Jewish mother doll on the market?" When you pull her string she says: "Oy, enough with the string already?"
In an effort to prop up lagging sales for their Barbie doll and Ken Doll line, Mattel has targeted the little Jewish girl market with Barbie dolls that reflect Jewish culture.
- Kollel Barbie comes with several jobs as her accessories and a tummy that inflates and deflates in nine month cycles. Kollel Ken comes with a bench to sit on and a table to put his gemara on. Ken's head fits perfectly into the contours of the gemorah accessory and is equipped to drool and snore away the day while Barbie tends to the babies and her 17 jobs.
- Hasidic Barbie comes with permanent stockings and is bald, but you'll never know because it's covered with a state-of-the-art shpitzel and pillbox hat. Hasidic Ken comes with downward-looking eyes because he's not allowed to look at other dolls.
- Yeshivish Barbie comes with 84 snoods, 174 hats, 24 non-Indian hair sheitels and one tichel that allows her hair to show a bit when she's feeling naughty. Yeshivish Ken comes with one suit, one crumpled hat, and one pair of tzitzis that drag on the ground.
- Modern Barbie comes with pants, plus a helmet and body armour to protect her from the stones thrown at her by ultra-orthodox Ken dolls that come with the Meah Shearim playset.
- Upper West Side Barbie comes with 74 single Ken dolls she considers friends because she doesn't think of them "that way." Little does she know that 37 of the Ken dolls have like this totally huge crush on her. She also comes with Kleenexes to wipe away the tears that she sheds every time Skipper reminds her that "Friends" is over.
These new dolls, with their controversial accessories, did not go uncontested. Several organizations, including the Anti Defamation Kollel League, the Anti Defamation Hasidic League, the Anti Defamation Yeshivish League, the Anti Defamation Modern League and the Anti Defamation Upper West Side League have voiced concern over the stereotypes these dolls represent. In a press release, Mattel said, "Tough noogies, just WAIT till we come out with Nidah Barbie, we KNOW that's gonna push some buttons!"
There are three kinds of people: successful, unsuccessful, and those who present seminars to the second about how the first do it.
The Pharoah was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away to carve hieroglyphics into a stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . and virile . . . young men." The chips flew, but then suddenly ceased flying and the perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Greatness, but is virile spelled with one or two testicles?"
To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him little.To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A local television station in South Louisiana aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans. The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives. Without hesitation, the woman replied, “I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's.” The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
The good news about mid-life is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
You're getting old when On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "Hot oil, a little friction, and squealing", you tell her you'll have the car looked at first thing on Monday morning.
I never really noticed before but I guess I really am getting older. Last week my kids pointed out that my belt line creeps up a little higher every year. They predict that in two years I’ll have to undo my fly to scratch my chest.
A woman had her husband's ashes made into an egg timer when he died so he could still "help" in the kitchen.
An Indian chief spoke to his squaw one day. "I can't stand your constant sniffling. Is there anything I can get you to give you some relief." Answered the squaw, "'tis but for a linen cloth for which I hanker, Chief."
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
Friday Funnies March 3 06
According to a poll in Esquire magazine, the colour most women find sexiest on a guy is blue. To which Anna Nicole Smith said -- 'I love it when guys turn blue!' - Jay Leno
Did you hear about this? An execution was postponed in California after a group of doctors refused to participate in the lethal injection. They couldn't go ahead with the execution because there were no doctors present. And that was a good thing because, God forbid, something should go wrong and the man died! - Jay Leno
The White House has given permission for a company owned by the government of Dubai to run six U.S. ports, including the Port of New York. Now Dubai was accused of supporting the September 11th attacks and was one of only three countries to support the Taliban. Now they're going to run the Port of New York. What's next, we'll put Mexico in charge of immigration? How about Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? Courtney Love in charge of Olympic drug testing? - Jay Leno
An Arab country in charge of ports. That's like FEMA in charge of disaster relief. That's like Wayne Gretzky's wife in charge of your bank account. It's like Michael Jackson as your nanny. - David Letterman
Do you think it's a good idea letting an Arab country take over our ports? This is like letting Bill Clinton be the manager of a Hooters. It's not a good idea. - Jay Leno
Attempting to defuse the controversy over the decision to place the operation of several key American ports in the hands of a company based in Dubai, Vice President Dick Cheney said today that he would personally patrol those ports with a 28-gauge shotgun. - Andy Borowitz
And while on that topic, the following is a sampling of news story headlines related to Vice President Cheney's shooting accident:
Kingsville Dispatch - "Sheriff Fines Cheney $100 For Only Wounding Lawyer"
National Review Online - "Red States Poll Shows Cheney Shooting Was Justifiable"
Dallas Morning News - "Shot Came From Grassy Knoll"
Austin Statesman - "Cheney Says Victim's Quail Call Was Best He Ever Heard"
Washington Post - "Cheney Prevents Hunting Party From Field Dressing Shooting Victim"
The Nation - "Cheney Drove Shooting Victim to Hospital Tied to The Hood of His Car"
San Antonio Express/News - "Sneaky Lawyer Tactics Don't Work On Cheney"
Houston Chronicle - "Personal Injury Lawyers Hold Candlelight Vigil Outside Cheney Victim Hospital"
Wyoming Tribune Eagle - "Cheney Friends Decline Fall Duck Hunting Invitation"
La Raza - "Cheney Shooting Victim Gets Emergency Room Priority Over Illegal Aliens"
Vegan News - "Cheney Shooting Victim Converts To Vegetarian In Hospital"
NRA American Rifleman - "Witnesses Claim Cheney Only Feathered Lawyer"
New Orleans Times Picayune - "Getting 'Dicked' Has All New Meaning"
The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department issued a statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the weekend. A TPWD spokesman noted that, in Texas, lawyers are not considered game creatures, and are thus not subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It was further noted that lawyer hunting was encouraged as the state is overrun with the pesky creatures. A local food critic said that, contrary to rumor, lawyers do not taste like chicken, but rather like bovine dung which is a major component of their composition. Below is a complete listing of the regulations.....
Texas 2005- 2006 Season and Bag Limit On Attorneys:
1. Any person with a valid Texas hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Attorneys may be taken with traps and deadfalls. Currency may not be used as bait.
3. Attorneys may not be killed with a motorized vehicle. If accidentally struck, the hunter should move the carcass to the roadside, and proceed to a car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a motor vehicle, watercraft or aircraft. Marked police vehicles may be used as shooting platforms.
5. It is unlawful to shout, "Whiplash," "Ambulance,"or "Free Booze" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of Mercedes, BMW, Lexus, or Infiniti dealerships.
7. It is unlawful for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, female law clerk, accident victim, physician, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
8. Care should be used so as not to endanger any remaining species. We would not want a repetition of the disaster that followed the "no limit" season on the subspecies, "Honest Lawyers". That particular variety is near extinction.
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation. "I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone." He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "short of breath" and not what he thought.
Paddy the Newfie walks into his favourite bar and says to the bartender, "Mike, a round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Yer in a really good mood tonight, Paddy." Paddy says, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!" Mike congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round. The next night Paddy walks back in, "Mike, two rounds for everyone, on me!" Mike says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheque!" With a wondrous look on his face, Paddy pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna pay me too"?
They now say overeating is as unhealthy as smoking, but I beg to differ - no one ever died from second hand obesity.
In a recent survey, 18% of married people say they've flirted with someone other than their spouse in the last month. 17% offered to give more information to the survey taker ….. over dinner and a few drinks.
When the grocery store clerk asked if I preferred paper or plastic I said I really didn't give a shit – I’m bisackual.
Smiley Face : -)
Man with turban (((:~{>
Man with lit bomb in his turban. *-O)):~{>(no fatwas please)
Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke, but the questions were really asked!
Q. I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)A. We import all plants full grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q. Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)A. Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q. I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto; can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)A. Sure, it's only four thousand miles; take lots of water.
Q. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)A. So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q. It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)A. Let's not touch this one.
Q. Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)A. What did your last slave die of?
Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North. oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q. Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)A. Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q. Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q. Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)A. No, we don't stink.
Q. I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)A. Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q. Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)A. Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)A. Only at Thanksgiving.
Q. Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)A. No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter / gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q. I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)A. It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone talking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)A. Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
The Wisdom Of Emo Phillips:
- I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
- The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.
- I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."
- I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
- People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
- People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce.
- Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
- I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet.
- I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
- You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
- I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
- The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
- When pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving, Emo was asked by the judge if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. He said "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"
- I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.
- I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!
- At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
- ...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
And lastly one of Emo’s more poignant jokes:
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said,"Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis tells us the origin of pets.
1. Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
2. And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
3. And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
4. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
5. And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
6. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
7. And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
8. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't really give a shit one way or the other.
A worthwhile anecdote passed on by a friend:
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year- old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Did you hear about this? An execution was postponed in California after a group of doctors refused to participate in the lethal injection. They couldn't go ahead with the execution because there were no doctors present. And that was a good thing because, God forbid, something should go wrong and the man died! - Jay Leno
The White House has given permission for a company owned by the government of Dubai to run six U.S. ports, including the Port of New York. Now Dubai was accused of supporting the September 11th attacks and was one of only three countries to support the Taliban. Now they're going to run the Port of New York. What's next, we'll put Mexico in charge of immigration? How about Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? Courtney Love in charge of Olympic drug testing? - Jay Leno
An Arab country in charge of ports. That's like FEMA in charge of disaster relief. That's like Wayne Gretzky's wife in charge of your bank account. It's like Michael Jackson as your nanny. - David Letterman
Do you think it's a good idea letting an Arab country take over our ports? This is like letting Bill Clinton be the manager of a Hooters. It's not a good idea. - Jay Leno
Attempting to defuse the controversy over the decision to place the operation of several key American ports in the hands of a company based in Dubai, Vice President Dick Cheney said today that he would personally patrol those ports with a 28-gauge shotgun. - Andy Borowitz
And while on that topic, the following is a sampling of news story headlines related to Vice President Cheney's shooting accident:
Kingsville Dispatch - "Sheriff Fines Cheney $100 For Only Wounding Lawyer"
National Review Online - "Red States Poll Shows Cheney Shooting Was Justifiable"
Dallas Morning News - "Shot Came From Grassy Knoll"
Austin Statesman - "Cheney Says Victim's Quail Call Was Best He Ever Heard"
Washington Post - "Cheney Prevents Hunting Party From Field Dressing Shooting Victim"
The Nation - "Cheney Drove Shooting Victim to Hospital Tied to The Hood of His Car"
San Antonio Express/News - "Sneaky Lawyer Tactics Don't Work On Cheney"
Houston Chronicle - "Personal Injury Lawyers Hold Candlelight Vigil Outside Cheney Victim Hospital"
Wyoming Tribune Eagle - "Cheney Friends Decline Fall Duck Hunting Invitation"
La Raza - "Cheney Shooting Victim Gets Emergency Room Priority Over Illegal Aliens"
Vegan News - "Cheney Shooting Victim Converts To Vegetarian In Hospital"
NRA American Rifleman - "Witnesses Claim Cheney Only Feathered Lawyer"
New Orleans Times Picayune - "Getting 'Dicked' Has All New Meaning"
The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department issued a statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the weekend. A TPWD spokesman noted that, in Texas, lawyers are not considered game creatures, and are thus not subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It was further noted that lawyer hunting was encouraged as the state is overrun with the pesky creatures. A local food critic said that, contrary to rumor, lawyers do not taste like chicken, but rather like bovine dung which is a major component of their composition. Below is a complete listing of the regulations.....
Texas 2005- 2006 Season and Bag Limit On Attorneys:
1. Any person with a valid Texas hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Attorneys may be taken with traps and deadfalls. Currency may not be used as bait.
3. Attorneys may not be killed with a motorized vehicle. If accidentally struck, the hunter should move the carcass to the roadside, and proceed to a car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a motor vehicle, watercraft or aircraft. Marked police vehicles may be used as shooting platforms.
5. It is unlawful to shout, "Whiplash," "Ambulance,"or "Free Booze" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of Mercedes, BMW, Lexus, or Infiniti dealerships.
7. It is unlawful for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, female law clerk, accident victim, physician, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
8. Care should be used so as not to endanger any remaining species. We would not want a repetition of the disaster that followed the "no limit" season on the subspecies, "Honest Lawyers". That particular variety is near extinction.
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation. "I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone." He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "short of breath" and not what he thought.
Paddy the Newfie walks into his favourite bar and says to the bartender, "Mike, a round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Yer in a really good mood tonight, Paddy." Paddy says, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!" Mike congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round. The next night Paddy walks back in, "Mike, two rounds for everyone, on me!" Mike says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheque!" With a wondrous look on his face, Paddy pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna pay me too"?
They now say overeating is as unhealthy as smoking, but I beg to differ - no one ever died from second hand obesity.
In a recent survey, 18% of married people say they've flirted with someone other than their spouse in the last month. 17% offered to give more information to the survey taker ….. over dinner and a few drinks.
When the grocery store clerk asked if I preferred paper or plastic I said I really didn't give a shit – I’m bisackual.
Smiley Face : -)
Man with turban (((:~{>
Man with lit bomb in his turban. *-O)):~{>(no fatwas please)
Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke, but the questions were really asked!
Q. I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)A. We import all plants full grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q. Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)A. Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q. I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto; can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)A. Sure, it's only four thousand miles; take lots of water.
Q. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)A. So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q. It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)A. Let's not touch this one.
Q. Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)A. What did your last slave die of?
Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North. oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q. Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)A. Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q. Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q. Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)A. No, we don't stink.
Q. I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)A. Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q. Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)A. Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)A. Only at Thanksgiving.
Q. Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)A. No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter / gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q. I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)A. It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone talking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)A. Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
The Wisdom Of Emo Phillips:
- I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
- The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.
- I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."
- I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
- People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
- People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce.
- Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
- I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet.
- I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
- You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
- I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
- The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
- When pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving, Emo was asked by the judge if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. He said "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"
- I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.
- I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!
- At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
- ...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
And lastly one of Emo’s more poignant jokes:
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said,"Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis tells us the origin of pets.
1. Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
2. And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
3. And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
4. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
5. And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
6. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
7. And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
8. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't really give a shit one way or the other.
A worthwhile anecdote passed on by a friend:
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year- old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
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