"Hey, Fred Thompson announced he's getting back into acting. Fred Thompson. Yeah, how about that? ... That's a pretty gutsy decision, considering his less than convincing portrayal of a presidential candidate." --Jay Leno
"Here is exciting news for the Spring in New York City. Ringling Brothers Circus is at Madison Square Garden. It's a tremendous show if you folks haven't been there. They have a female contortionist who is so good that Eliot Spitzer sent over a drink." --David Letterman
"I want to clarify something. Ringling Brothers is a three-ring circus. Governor and Mrs. McGreevey are a three-way circus." --David Letterman
"The mayor of Detroit is creating jobs. The first job he's gonna create -- new mayor of Detroit, apparently. Have you heard of this by now? Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been charged with perjury and lying under oath after being caught sending sexually explicit text messages to his female chief of staff. This was the most embarrassing thing to happen to a Democratic politician in, like, a week." --Jay Leno
"Well, the sad thing is, Kwame Kilpatrick was considered a rising star in the Democratic Party. Apparently, he just spent a little too much time rising."--Jay Leno
"The bad news is, he could be forced out of office. The good news is, any time you get a chance to get out of Detroit, take it." --Jay Leno
"I love this story. I saw it in the paper today. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will explore whether he has an addiction to sex. Oh, shut up. Is sex really an addiction? Is it a disease? Do you think it's a disease? Huh? I mean, I've heard people call into work sick. Can you call in horny?" --Jay Leno
"And it's getting worse and worse for Governor Spitzer. Now, a Brazilian madam has come forward to say that Eliot Spitzer paid her to watch other couples have sex. You know, this whole thing could've been avoided if you put a peep hole in the lieutenant governor's office. That way, he could've watched David Paterson have his affairs and saved five grand an hour." --Jay Leno
"Actually, more revelations coming out about the new governor of New York, David Paterson. He now admits he did cocaine and marijuana. Now he comes up with that. So the first blind, black guy to be governor of New York has had a bunch of extramarital affairs, does coke and smokes dope. You sure he's governor? Doesn't he sound more like a blues singer?" --Jay Leno
"Well, you know, Hillary Clinton's campaign is now saying she misspoke. She misspoke -- that's like a political word -- when she said last week that she landed under sniper fire during a trip to Bosnia as first lady. Turns out, it was gunfire on a trip to L.A. See, she got confused." --Jay Leno
"She now admits there were no snipers, yeah. And today, Bill Clinton said, 'Hey, if I knew there weren't any snipers, I wouldn't have sent her there in the first place.'" --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, kids all over America spent the day looking for Easter eggs. And today, their parents are in New York at Bear Stearns trying to find their nest eggs." --Jay Leno
"Well, here's the big brouhaha. Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson ... still thinks he's loyal to the Clinton family, despite endorsing Barack Obama. Loyal. He just endorsed Barack. Even Bill was more faithful to Hillary than that." --Jay Leno
"Actually, the reason this is such a big story is that Bill Richardson was a member of the Clinton cabinet. And Clinton adviser James Carville ... on Good Friday, he called Bill Richardson a Judas. Called him a Judas. Well, you know, there are a lot of biblical references in this race. Now they're calling Bill Clinton 'Jonah' because he was once swallowed by a whale." --Jay Leno
And Larry Craig did not file for re-election by the deadline. He legally cannot run for office again. How about that? Ironically, you know why Larry Craig missed the filing deadline? He was in the men's room." --Jay Leno
"Senator Larry Craig from Idaho, he did not sign up for re-election. He is not going to run for office again. So don't let the stall door hit you on the way out, Larry." --David Letterman
"Yesterday in New York, everybody was in the Easter spirit. As a matter of fact, former governor Eliot Spitzer, he was in the Easter spirit. He spent the day with someone named Bunny." --David Letterman
"This week, John McCain received a warm welcome in Israel. He was in Israel. You know, he is hugely popular in Israel ever since he stood with the Jewish people against the pharaoh. They've never forgotten." --Jay Leno
"According to a new study by the University of British Columbia and Harvard, money can buy happiness, but only if you spend the money on someone else. To which former Governor Eliot Spitzer said, 'See.'" --Jay Leno
"According to the New York Post, Eliot Spitzer has entered therapy for his sex addiction. He has sex addiction. He's not horny, a sex addiction. See, I don't know if it's gonna work. When the therapist told him it was 300 bucks an hour, he said, 'What can I get for an extra $50?'" --Jay Leno
"A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they'll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy." --Conan O'Brien
"Spring is finally here! Spring, when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love, and Eliot Spitzer turns to the Yellow Pages." --Bill Maher
"Also, the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war. How romantic. Once again, they forgot to greet us with flowers. ... Traditionally, this is the wood anniversary -- five. Which is fitting, 'cause that's what Dick Cheney gets when he thinks of war." --Bill Maher
"The war is going into its sixth year with no end in sight, the economy, of course, is tanking, but what is America freaking out about right now? That apparently Barack Obama went to a church and heard his pastor criticize America, and just sat there. Everybody knows when you hear something your pastor says that you don't agree with, you get up there and you punch him in the f------ face ... and you beat him with the cross." --Bill Maher
"The thing is, Republicans, of course, don't allow dangerous religious freaks to advise their campaigns. They nominate them." --Bill Maher
"President Bush spoke about the war in Iraq again today. This week marks the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the war. Bush said turning back now would harm all the gains we've made. Like oil $100 a barrel, worthless dollar, a recession. We can't afford to lose any of that!" --Jay Leno
"According to the latest polls out today, John McCain now in a double digit lead over the Democrats. To give you an idea how far McCain is ahead in the polls, today, Hillary offered him the vice presidency." --Jay Leno
"And the new governor of New York, David Paterson, is speaking out. Remember, he announced he had a bunch of affairs? Well, now he says he's no longer seeing other women. But it's a trick. He's blind." --Jay Leno
"A new survey shows that beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary Clinton. Which is surprising because you'd think Hillary would be more popular with guys who like a 'cold one.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Vice President Dick Cheney also in Iraq this week. Cheney told the Iraqi government that their leaders have to show some progress on both their domestic and economic fronts. And the Iraqis said to Cheney, 'Uh, you first.'" --Jay Leno
"Another exciting episode 'As Albany Turns.' Have you been following what's been going on in New York? Both the governor of New York, David Paterson, and his wife have both admitted to having extramarital affairs. They said they both had sex with other people during a rocky period in their marriage. Now, I'm no marriage counselor, but, you know, if you're both banging other people, that could cause a rocky period." --Jay Leno
"No, the governor said he would often meet these women at the Days Inn in Albany. Well, he knows how to charm a a lady, huh? Nothing like that free pop tart continental breakfast." --Jay Leno
"One of the women Paterson had an affair with was a state employee. He said he tried to end the affair, but since she was a state employee, there was so much paperwork involved, it was just easier to just keep banging her." --Jay Leno
"As you know, Governor Paterson is legally blind, which has gotta be an advantage when you're having an affair. This way, when your wife catches you in bed with another woman, you go, 'Honey, I thought it was you.'" --Jay Leno
"God, that's got to be depressing for women, don't you think? I mean, think about it. When even a legally blind guy has a roving eye, come on!" --Jay Leno
"According to a new study by scientists at Clemson University, almost 3,000 bacteria are transferred every time you double-dip something. More bad news for New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey." --Jay Leno
"This weekend the annual auto show begins. The New York City Auto Show. It's going to be a great affair. ... I hear former Governor Eliot Spitzer may be in the market for a Hummer." --David Letterman
Latest news has it that Eliot Spitzer was ousted from his synagogue. Apparently his rabbi was able to overlook his betrayal of the public trust and his personal indiscretions, but he could not forgive him for buying retail.
As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs
If we spend it on fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
My name is Elliot Spitzer and I approved this ad...
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - DavidBissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want? - Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' - Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' - Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' - James Holt McGavran
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... – Nash (Ogden or Graham?)
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' - Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' - Anonymous
Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland " The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "So am I!" "Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!" About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight." Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Murphy twins are drunk again."
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very ‘friendly’ person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess you'd be about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say around 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible. How could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't," she says. "I was behind you in McDonald's."
An astronomer slept in the sun,
Then woke with his fly quite undone.
He remarked, with a smile,
"Hoorah! A sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one."
There was a man from Cuba
Who stuck his dick in a tuba
His newly wed bride
Blew on the other side
And his dick flew off to Aruba
A guy on a Harley is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her - before the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A Los Angeles Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addresses the biker saying, "Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I ever saw a man do." "Why, it was nothing," said the biker. "Really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and did the right thing." "I noticed a patch on your jacket," said the journalist. "Yeah, I ride with a Christian motorcycle club," the biker replies. "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's Times will have this in first page." The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the L.A. Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and on the front page he reads: "BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!"
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them Brides of Christ. Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long beards and sidelocks came in and sat in the front row. The Mother Superior went over to them and said, "I am honoured that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you’re here? One of the Hasidic Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."
What is a Jewish ménage-a-trois? An erection and two headaches.
What is s a Jewish nymphomaniac? A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman? The Plaintiff.
What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast? The tip of the iceberg.
Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."
Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage? He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Abe and Sadie had moved to the suburbs and had joined the new very elite Erasmus Country Club there. Abie was somewhat embarrassed by Sadie whenever they would dine there, and one evening before they went out for dinner at the club, Abie decided to give his wife a bit of advice. "Sadie," he said, " ven ve go to dee club, and dee vaiter esks you vaht you vahnt for ah drink..... Please don't say "ah glass Manishevitz vine''. At a club like dis, you don't esk for Manishevitz vine." "No?, Abie," she replied. "If not for Manishevitz so for vot should I esk?" Abie answered: "You should esk for ah martini. Everybody drinks now martinis. So don't esk for Manishevitz. Please Sadie, say you vahnt ah martini. You'll like it. Okay?" With that, Sadie agreed that she would no longer ask for Manishevitz wine, and the next time it would be martinis for Sadie. That evening at the club, when the waiter approached their table to take their order for drinks, Sadie was well prepared. The meticulously attired waiter asked: "Ma'am, may I bring you a cocktail?" Sadie was ready and proudly announced, "Yes, I'll have ah martini." "Dry?" questioned the waiter. "No," replied Sadie. "Tzvay iz genoog!"
Concluding his exam, my doctor said, “I find very little wrong with you. You are in surprisingly good health despite being quite overweight. My advice to you is this: If you want to stay healthy, give up those intimate little dinners for two unless you find someone to share them with."
Don't you just love a kid’s view of the world?
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop? Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes." (I want this line used at my funeral!)
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write, and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
A little girl asked her father, 'How did the human race appear?' The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?' The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.'
The Old Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now…
The New Alphabet
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H .. high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I .. for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Friday Funnies March 21 08
"And this 22-year-old brunette prostitute, Ashley Alexandra Dupre -- that's a hooker name if you ever heard one -- the one that got caught with the governor, she's now talking about writing a book. A book. So guys, let that be a lesson to you. Whenever you hire a prostitute, always go for the blondes. No chance of her writing a book." --Jay Leno'
"In New York City yesterday, David Paterson was sworn in as the new governor of New York. He is legally blind, as opposed to outgoing governor Eliot Spitzer, who is really, really short-sighted." --Jay Leno
"And I love this. On his first day, the governor admitted to having an affair. Actually, having a couple of affairs. Yeah. See, I think it's great to combine your swearing in speech with your 'I cheated on my wife' speech. That way the wife only has to stand beside you one time." --Jay Leno
"Actually, his wife admitted to having an affair, too. Did you see that? Finally, a wife of a politician who doesn't just stand there when her husband cheats. She goes out and does it, too." --Jay Leno
"And now on Monday, right after being sworn in, the new governor of New York, David Paterson, he announces that he cheated on his wife. I'm thinking, this guy didn't waste any time, did he?" --David Letterman
"And now and not a minute too soon, there's a quiz that you can take to tell if your spouse is cheating. Question number one: Is your spouse a governor?" --David Letterman
"Did you see Cheney on the news, sitting with the troops having breakfast? Did you see the breakfast in front of him? The plate was loaded with sausage, bacon, eggs. Who put that meal together? al Qaeda? Was that their plan? Wait for his heart to explode when he's in Iraq." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of that, this week marks the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war and the third anniversary of 'Mission Accomplished.' ... Remember critics saying, oh, the war was just about oil so we could keep the price of gasoline cheap? That worked out well, didn't it? Now we're the ones with shock and awe." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney also paid a surprise visit to Iraq. And Cheney is very popular in the Middle East. I mean, he flashes them that nice, warm sneer and they just go crazy. And in that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman
"A lot of American dignitaries visiting the Middle East. Senator McCain, running for president, is in Iraq. ... Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as Mesopotamia." --David Letterman
"Anybody got one of these yet, the new redesigned $5 bill? It's out, new $5 bill. It has several new features. One of the new features, it's only worth $3." --Jay Leno
"The dollar has fallen fast on the world market. In fact, there has now been a request to take 'In God We Trust' off the bill. The request came from God." --Jay Leno
"Anyway, the young lady has been identified as Ashley Dupre. That doesn't sound like a hooker name, does it? No. She says she doesn't want to be thought of as a monster. She can also play a Catholic schoolgirl, a nurse, a dominatrix, any number of things." --Jay Leno
"The escort service that sent Eliot Spitzer this hooker on the train from New York to Washington -- this was in the paper yesterday -- told her he might ask for something that wasn't safe. He already did. He put her on Amtrak." --Jay Leno
"Even Bill Clinton was upset that Spitzer went to a hotel. He said, 'Come on, get a desk! What's the matter with you?'" --Jay Leno
"Did you know Governor Spitzer still has, apparently, a $2,000 credit with the escort service. To which the incoming governor said, 'Does that carry over to the new governor?'" --Jay Leno
"And Geraldine Ferraro has left Hillary Clinton's campaign. She's no longer working for Hillary. She's got a new job in radio now. She's the new sidekick for Don Imus." --Jay Leno
"More details are starting to come out about the $5,000 prostitute. Her name's Ashley Alexandra Dupre. She's a 22-year-old aspiring musician. I believe she is classically trained on the flute." --Jay Leno
"Here's what's going to happen with her. She's going to pose naked for Playboy, she'll do a season of 'Celebrity Apprentice,' maybe a 'Surreal Life,' then she'll top it off by having a baby with Pauly Shore." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Shocking news out of New York this week. Turns out the whistleblower was having his whistle blown." --Amy Poehler
"During a short press conference Monday, in which New York Governor Eliot Spitzer apologized for his involvement in a prostitution ring, his wife, Silda, stood by his side -- apparently, to make sure there’s no prostitute under the podium." --Amy Poehler
"So, you have this triangle, the governor, his wife and this hooker. Or, as they're calling themselves, You, Me and Dupre." --Jay Leno
The name of this prostitute service is The Emperor's Club, sounds better than Whore House, doesn't it? ... On the website, they rank the girls from one to seven diamonds. The diamonds represent how many you have to buy for your wife after you get caught." --Jay Leno
"You know how the governor got caught? Through wiretaps. You see, Democrats get caught in sex scandals through wiretapping. Republicans get caught in sex scandals through foot tapping." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, has resigned. In his resignation speech, Spitzer said, 'To whom much has been given, much is expected.' Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000 hooker." --Jay Leno
"The new governor of New York will be a man named David Paterson, who is legally blind. Yeah, he is. He is legally blind. The way it will work with him is, you see, he'll just have the woman talk dirty to him over the phone." --Jay Leno
"He will be the first visually impaired governor in the history of the United States. See, a lot of people thought Bill Clinton was the first blind governor, because he hit on Paula Jones." --Jay Leno
"Spitzer's going be out of office, he's going to be looking for a job, and I'm thinking, 'Whoa, isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place?'" --David Letterman
"The big news today that we need to discuss, the identity of Governor Eliot Spitzer's prostitute ... has been revealed. The prostitute that Eliot Spitzer had his affair with is apparently a young woman from New Jersey. When asked why she slept with New York's ex-governor, she said, 'Because New Jersey's ex-governor is into guys.'" --Conan O'Brien
"No, it turns out this woman is also a singer. You can hear her song on MySpace. She doesn't have a bad voice. Although, today, the governor said, 'You know something, you really got to see her perform live.'" --Jay Leno
"Now everybody's trying to get an interview with her. Right now, she said she's going to lay low and focus on her next step, marrying Paul McCartney." --Jay Leno
Paul McCartney finally has an end to his divorce proceedings with Heather Mills. The divorce settlement is reported to be approx 50 million dollars, and they were married for approx 4 years. Let’s see - 24 hrs per day x 7 days = 168 hours 168 hrs x 52 weeks = 8736 hours 8736 x 4 years = 34944 hours. 50,000,000 divided by 34944 = $1,430.86 per hour! Not quite as good as Ashley Alexandra Dupre, but Heather had a longer gig. Paul was apparently so happy to be rid of the gold-digger that he gave her a parting gift – a plane – and for the other leg, a Lady Philishave!
In honour of St. Patrick’s Day last Monday:
What's an Irish seven course meal? A six-pack and a potato.
Why did the Irishman cross the road? To pass out in the other ditch.
"Dad," asked the kid, "can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?" "Aw son, here's twenty dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl."
Woman: "Help, help, an Irishman tried to rape me!" Cop: "How do you know he was Irish?" Woman: "I had to help him."
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wishes they were Irish!
Paddy was in New York patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would then allow traffic to resume, once again. The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. Paddy the altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell Father Flanagan what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, Father Flanagan says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man? 'Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water.' (By the way, do you know how they make holy water? They take normal everyday water and boil the hell out of it!)
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes." The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout." POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?" The Irishman smiles and looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these!"
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he is unshakable!" The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The Englishman walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said..."I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me."
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?" The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week." "She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself." "No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled the cunt."
How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital ward? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan.
Why did God invent whiskey? So the Irish would never rule the world.
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains." The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er." The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?" When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure." the Newfie states, cocksure. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?" The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a Shit behind it eh?." He got the job and is now the foreman!
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. ..... Now, how about that drink?"
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane. "At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother and the new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnny.' Johnny said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnny, 'cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses.
There was old guy named Lee,
Who was stung in the balls by a bee,
He made oodles of money,
By oozing pure honey,
Every time he attempted to pee.
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in gasoline and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat shoved up his ass.
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?' All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?' There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?' The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down?' She replied, 'Up.' This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now, today, nothing!' She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown!
Found on Craigs List
Date: 2007-11-02, 5:03PM EDT
Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for a dog, we have been notified by breed rescue that, at long last, our number has come up and ... WE ARE HAVING A PUPPY!
We must get rid of our children IMMEDIATELY because we just know how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be and it just wouldn't be fair to the children. Since our little puppy will be arriving on Monday we MUST place the children up for adoption this weekend!
They are described as:
One male -- his name is Tommy, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), light blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Temperament tested. Does have problems with peeing directly in the toilet. Has had chicken Pox and is current on all shots. Tonsils have already been removed. Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little training he should be able to read soon.
One female -- her name is Lexie, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), strawberry blonde hair, green eyes quite freckled. Two years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Has been temperament tested but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and can be affectionate. Gets along well with other little girls and little boys but does not like to share her toys and therefore would do best in a one child household. She is a very quick learner and is currently working on her house training. Shouldn't take long at all.
We really do LOVE our children so much and want to do what's right for them. That is why we contacted a rescue group. But we simply can no longer keep them. Also, we are afraid that they may hurt our new puppy.
I hope you understand that ours is a UNIQUE situation and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed into your rescue by Sunday night at the latest or we will be forced to drop them off at the orphanage or along some dark, country road. Our priority now has to be our new puppy
NO - it's NOT OK to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.
After failing his "Logistics and Organization" exam, a student confronted his professor. "Sir, do you understand anything about this subject?" "Of course. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" "Really? Then allow me to ask you one question. If you answer it correctly, I'll accept my failing grade and leave quietly. But if you don't know the answer, I want an 'A' on my exam." "Okay. It's a deal. What's your question?" "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" After long consideration, the professor conceded and changed the student's score to an 'A'. Afterwards, the professor asked one of his best students the same question. The good student answered immediately, "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35-year-old woman which is legal but not logical. Your wife has a 22-year-old lover which is logical but not legal. And the fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A' when he should have failed is neither legal nor logical!"
Have you heard of the new book entitled "1001 Sex Secrets Men Should Know?" It contains comments from 1001 different women on how men can be better in bed. I think that women would actually settle for three: Slow down, Turn off the TV, and Call out the right name.
A guy approaches a girl at the bar with an ice cube in his hand. He puts it on the bar in front of her and smashes it with his fist. He says, "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"
Remembering Rodney Dangerfield with a few quotes:
- A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. -
- I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
- I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
- I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
- When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
- I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
- I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
- I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
- If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Important Zen teachings............
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just Piss off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's' milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you Fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
My 10 yr old niece says her prayers every night and instead of "amen", she says "click send."
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour!"
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : “Nothing”
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiry date."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
"In New York City yesterday, David Paterson was sworn in as the new governor of New York. He is legally blind, as opposed to outgoing governor Eliot Spitzer, who is really, really short-sighted." --Jay Leno
"And I love this. On his first day, the governor admitted to having an affair. Actually, having a couple of affairs. Yeah. See, I think it's great to combine your swearing in speech with your 'I cheated on my wife' speech. That way the wife only has to stand beside you one time." --Jay Leno
"Actually, his wife admitted to having an affair, too. Did you see that? Finally, a wife of a politician who doesn't just stand there when her husband cheats. She goes out and does it, too." --Jay Leno
"And now on Monday, right after being sworn in, the new governor of New York, David Paterson, he announces that he cheated on his wife. I'm thinking, this guy didn't waste any time, did he?" --David Letterman
"And now and not a minute too soon, there's a quiz that you can take to tell if your spouse is cheating. Question number one: Is your spouse a governor?" --David Letterman
"Did you see Cheney on the news, sitting with the troops having breakfast? Did you see the breakfast in front of him? The plate was loaded with sausage, bacon, eggs. Who put that meal together? al Qaeda? Was that their plan? Wait for his heart to explode when he's in Iraq." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of that, this week marks the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war and the third anniversary of 'Mission Accomplished.' ... Remember critics saying, oh, the war was just about oil so we could keep the price of gasoline cheap? That worked out well, didn't it? Now we're the ones with shock and awe." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney also paid a surprise visit to Iraq. And Cheney is very popular in the Middle East. I mean, he flashes them that nice, warm sneer and they just go crazy. And in that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman
"A lot of American dignitaries visiting the Middle East. Senator McCain, running for president, is in Iraq. ... Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as Mesopotamia." --David Letterman
"Anybody got one of these yet, the new redesigned $5 bill? It's out, new $5 bill. It has several new features. One of the new features, it's only worth $3." --Jay Leno
"The dollar has fallen fast on the world market. In fact, there has now been a request to take 'In God We Trust' off the bill. The request came from God." --Jay Leno
"Anyway, the young lady has been identified as Ashley Dupre. That doesn't sound like a hooker name, does it? No. She says she doesn't want to be thought of as a monster. She can also play a Catholic schoolgirl, a nurse, a dominatrix, any number of things." --Jay Leno
"The escort service that sent Eliot Spitzer this hooker on the train from New York to Washington -- this was in the paper yesterday -- told her he might ask for something that wasn't safe. He already did. He put her on Amtrak." --Jay Leno
"Even Bill Clinton was upset that Spitzer went to a hotel. He said, 'Come on, get a desk! What's the matter with you?'" --Jay Leno
"Did you know Governor Spitzer still has, apparently, a $2,000 credit with the escort service. To which the incoming governor said, 'Does that carry over to the new governor?'" --Jay Leno
"And Geraldine Ferraro has left Hillary Clinton's campaign. She's no longer working for Hillary. She's got a new job in radio now. She's the new sidekick for Don Imus." --Jay Leno
"More details are starting to come out about the $5,000 prostitute. Her name's Ashley Alexandra Dupre. She's a 22-year-old aspiring musician. I believe she is classically trained on the flute." --Jay Leno
"Here's what's going to happen with her. She's going to pose naked for Playboy, she'll do a season of 'Celebrity Apprentice,' maybe a 'Surreal Life,' then she'll top it off by having a baby with Pauly Shore." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Shocking news out of New York this week. Turns out the whistleblower was having his whistle blown." --Amy Poehler
"During a short press conference Monday, in which New York Governor Eliot Spitzer apologized for his involvement in a prostitution ring, his wife, Silda, stood by his side -- apparently, to make sure there’s no prostitute under the podium." --Amy Poehler
"So, you have this triangle, the governor, his wife and this hooker. Or, as they're calling themselves, You, Me and Dupre." --Jay Leno
The name of this prostitute service is The Emperor's Club, sounds better than Whore House, doesn't it? ... On the website, they rank the girls from one to seven diamonds. The diamonds represent how many you have to buy for your wife after you get caught." --Jay Leno
"You know how the governor got caught? Through wiretaps. You see, Democrats get caught in sex scandals through wiretapping. Republicans get caught in sex scandals through foot tapping." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, has resigned. In his resignation speech, Spitzer said, 'To whom much has been given, much is expected.' Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000 hooker." --Jay Leno
"The new governor of New York will be a man named David Paterson, who is legally blind. Yeah, he is. He is legally blind. The way it will work with him is, you see, he'll just have the woman talk dirty to him over the phone." --Jay Leno
"He will be the first visually impaired governor in the history of the United States. See, a lot of people thought Bill Clinton was the first blind governor, because he hit on Paula Jones." --Jay Leno
"Spitzer's going be out of office, he's going to be looking for a job, and I'm thinking, 'Whoa, isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place?'" --David Letterman
"The big news today that we need to discuss, the identity of Governor Eliot Spitzer's prostitute ... has been revealed. The prostitute that Eliot Spitzer had his affair with is apparently a young woman from New Jersey. When asked why she slept with New York's ex-governor, she said, 'Because New Jersey's ex-governor is into guys.'" --Conan O'Brien
"No, it turns out this woman is also a singer. You can hear her song on MySpace. She doesn't have a bad voice. Although, today, the governor said, 'You know something, you really got to see her perform live.'" --Jay Leno
"Now everybody's trying to get an interview with her. Right now, she said she's going to lay low and focus on her next step, marrying Paul McCartney." --Jay Leno
Paul McCartney finally has an end to his divorce proceedings with Heather Mills. The divorce settlement is reported to be approx 50 million dollars, and they were married for approx 4 years. Let’s see - 24 hrs per day x 7 days = 168 hours 168 hrs x 52 weeks = 8736 hours 8736 x 4 years = 34944 hours. 50,000,000 divided by 34944 = $1,430.86 per hour! Not quite as good as Ashley Alexandra Dupre, but Heather had a longer gig. Paul was apparently so happy to be rid of the gold-digger that he gave her a parting gift – a plane – and for the other leg, a Lady Philishave!
In honour of St. Patrick’s Day last Monday:
What's an Irish seven course meal? A six-pack and a potato.
Why did the Irishman cross the road? To pass out in the other ditch.
"Dad," asked the kid, "can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?" "Aw son, here's twenty dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl."
Woman: "Help, help, an Irishman tried to rape me!" Cop: "How do you know he was Irish?" Woman: "I had to help him."
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wishes they were Irish!
Paddy was in New York patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would then allow traffic to resume, once again. The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. Paddy the altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell Father Flanagan what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, Father Flanagan says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man? 'Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water.' (By the way, do you know how they make holy water? They take normal everyday water and boil the hell out of it!)
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes." The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout." POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?" The Irishman smiles and looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these!"
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he is unshakable!" The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The Englishman walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said..."I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me."
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?" The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week." "She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself." "No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled the cunt."
How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital ward? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan.
Why did God invent whiskey? So the Irish would never rule the world.
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains." The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er." The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?" When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure." the Newfie states, cocksure. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?" The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a Shit behind it eh?." He got the job and is now the foreman!
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. ..... Now, how about that drink?"
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane. "At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother and the new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnny.' Johnny said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnny, 'cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses.
There was old guy named Lee,
Who was stung in the balls by a bee,
He made oodles of money,
By oozing pure honey,
Every time he attempted to pee.
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in gasoline and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat shoved up his ass.
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?' All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?' There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?' The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down?' She replied, 'Up.' This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now, today, nothing!' She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown!
Found on Craigs List
Date: 2007-11-02, 5:03PM EDT
Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for a dog, we have been notified by breed rescue that, at long last, our number has come up and ... WE ARE HAVING A PUPPY!
We must get rid of our children IMMEDIATELY because we just know how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be and it just wouldn't be fair to the children. Since our little puppy will be arriving on Monday we MUST place the children up for adoption this weekend!
They are described as:
One male -- his name is Tommy, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), light blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Temperament tested. Does have problems with peeing directly in the toilet. Has had chicken Pox and is current on all shots. Tonsils have already been removed. Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little training he should be able to read soon.
One female -- her name is Lexie, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), strawberry blonde hair, green eyes quite freckled. Two years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Has been temperament tested but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and can be affectionate. Gets along well with other little girls and little boys but does not like to share her toys and therefore would do best in a one child household. She is a very quick learner and is currently working on her house training. Shouldn't take long at all.
We really do LOVE our children so much and want to do what's right for them. That is why we contacted a rescue group. But we simply can no longer keep them. Also, we are afraid that they may hurt our new puppy.
I hope you understand that ours is a UNIQUE situation and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed into your rescue by Sunday night at the latest or we will be forced to drop them off at the orphanage or along some dark, country road. Our priority now has to be our new puppy
NO - it's NOT OK to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.
After failing his "Logistics and Organization" exam, a student confronted his professor. "Sir, do you understand anything about this subject?" "Of course. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" "Really? Then allow me to ask you one question. If you answer it correctly, I'll accept my failing grade and leave quietly. But if you don't know the answer, I want an 'A' on my exam." "Okay. It's a deal. What's your question?" "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" After long consideration, the professor conceded and changed the student's score to an 'A'. Afterwards, the professor asked one of his best students the same question. The good student answered immediately, "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35-year-old woman which is legal but not logical. Your wife has a 22-year-old lover which is logical but not legal. And the fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A' when he should have failed is neither legal nor logical!"
Have you heard of the new book entitled "1001 Sex Secrets Men Should Know?" It contains comments from 1001 different women on how men can be better in bed. I think that women would actually settle for three: Slow down, Turn off the TV, and Call out the right name.
A guy approaches a girl at the bar with an ice cube in his hand. He puts it on the bar in front of her and smashes it with his fist. He says, "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"
Remembering Rodney Dangerfield with a few quotes:
- A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. -
- I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
- I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
- I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
- When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
- I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
- I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
- I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
- If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Important Zen teachings............
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just Piss off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's' milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you Fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
My 10 yr old niece says her prayers every night and instead of "amen", she says "click send."
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour!"
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : “Nothing”
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiry date."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Friday Funnies March 14 08
"Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? ... It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour." --Jay Leno
"The really ironic thing about this case -- today, the hooker said Spitzer was done in a New York minute." --Jay Leno
"He went through this call girl thing. ... He was known as a regular customer. He was known as Client 9. It looks now like Client 9 will soon be looking for wife number 2." --David Letterman
"Maybe some of you don't know the story, today Eliot Spitzer admitted publicly that he was involved in a prostitution ring, which means Hillary Clinton, now, only the second angriest wife in the state of New York." --Jay Leno
"This is the guy who vowed to clean up New York. But to be fair, he did bring prostitution to its knees one girl at a time." --Jay Leno
"Of course, the big story tonight, known to anyone with a television, or a Google alert set to 'prostitute.' (on screen: Eliot Spitzer press conference). Eliot Spitzer, the law and order governor of New York, caught soliciting sexual favors from a prostitute. Interestingly enough, he was caught on a wiretap, the kind most likely authorized by the law and order governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer. Oops" --Jon Stewart
"I haven't been on the show for a while, but for some reason when this scandal about hookers broke, I looked out the window and there was a helicopter waiting to take me to the studio. It is good to have a specialty. Turns out I was more needed than I thought. This scandal is raising all sorts of questions. [on screen: news anchors asking, 'How would a guy like Governor Spitzer actually do it? Does he pay in cash? Does his real name appear somewhere? How do the check get written? We're talking about $5,000. How do you develop a credit with the prostitution ring is another aspect of the story I don't quite understand']. Please, like you don't know. Guys pay women for sex? No! Okay, let me try and explain this. When a man loves a woman for very much, they share a very special kind of transaction. Maybe I'm going too fast. Let me break this down. First off, cost. Spitzer paid $4300 for two hours with a hooker. I know that sounds pricey. I mean for that much money, you could buy a used Honda and [bleep] it. But the service the governor used was extra fancy. For God sake, it's called the Emperor's Club. You want discounts, go to Sam's Emperor Club. They sell in bulk. In one trip, you can get a 20 gallon pack of mayonnaise and a six pack of hookers." --Lewis Black
"But a lot of rumors about what is going to happen. If Governor Spitzer does resign over his prostitution scandal, it's been reported that he will go into private practice as a lawyer. That's what he's going to do. Yeah. When asked why he wants to practice law again, Spitzer said, 'I like businesses where you charge by the hour and screw your clients.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Tonight, Hillary Clinton says the states she's won are bigger than Obama's. I say it's not the size that counts but whether it's shaped like Florida." --Stephen Colbert
"In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the number one position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular." --Jay Leno
"You know they said on the news today, neither Barack nor Hillary can win the nomination outright. You know, because it's so close. So Hillary's kind of caught between Barack and a hard place." --Jay Leno
"You know, there's talk in some Democratic circles of letting the states of Michigan and Florida re-vote. Today, Al Gore said, 'Oh, now you think of this! Great!'" --Jay Leno
"They're talking about a re-vote primary where people would mail in their ballots. That's a great idea, combine the reliability of the people in Florida who count the ballots with the efficiency of the Post Office. What could go wrong there?" --Jay Leno
"On the eve of Tuesday's primary victories, a defiant Hillary Clinton said, 'I'm just getting warmed up.' Which begs the question, 'Hey, Hillary, how are you gonna be ready on day one if it takes you 31 primaries to get warmed up.'" --Seth Meyers
"Among the people rumored to be a possibility for John McCain's vice-presidential running mate is 51-year-old Florida Governor Charlie Crist and surprisingly not his brother, Jesus Crist" --Seth Meyers
"The big story this week is the Democrats. Hillary got her groove back. I don't know if you saw this but on Tuesday there were four primaries and she beat the Arab guy three to one. I only know what I see in the paper. And she did it the old fashioned way, by building a coalition of women, Latinos and blue-collar white men, and scaring the sh*t out of them." --Bill Maher
"But congratulations to John McCain, he wrapped up the Republican nomination this week. And we know this is official now because Mike Huckabee dropped out and said he was joining forces with John McCain. Oh, great, you've got one guy who doesn't believe in evolution, and another guy who remembers it." --Bill Maher
"Hillary's been going around saying, 'I've been tested.' John McCain also said, 'I've been tested, and luckily the tests came back negative, knock on wood.'" --Bill Maher
"Also eliminated last night, Congressman Ron Paul, of Texas, says he's winding down his presidential campaign. His supporter is devastated. Ron says he's looking forward, though, to spending more time with his wife Mrs. Paul, and her delicious pre-packaged seafood products." --Jimmy Kimmel
"It was a great night for John McCain. In fact, all is going just perfectly for John McCain until today when President Bush endorsed him for president. All that hard work right down the drain. The truth is, McCain asked President Bush to endorse him. I'm starting to think that maybe the guy likes torture." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Oh, Mike Huckabee, I don't want to have to say Huck-a-bye. Maybe it's all just a terrible dream. I'll just close my eyes and when I open them, Huckabee will be the nominee [on screen: John McCain saying, 'I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States']. Noooooo! He's not a real conservative. I'm not saying the Republicans should have nominated Reagan's reanimated corpse. I just didn't want it to be John McCain's reanimated corpse." --Stephen Colbert
"Hillary Clinton is back in the hunt for the Democratic nomination. She won do or die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island and Texas last night. A lot of people thought she would be done today, but just like Bill always says, Hillary does not go down without a fight." --Jimmy Kimmel
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer sure has himself in a lot of hot water with news of his high priced hooker. People are asking why he would want to stray when his wife is such a fine looking woman. I’ll tell you why – his wife’s a Spitzer and he’s looking for a swallower!
Diary of a snow shoveler:
- November 15 -- 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
- December 9 -- We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
- December 12 -- The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbour.
- December 14 -- Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I armed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
- December 15 -- 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
- December 16 -- Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
- December 17 -- Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
- December 20 -- Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
- December 22 -- Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
- December 23 -- Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
- December 24 -- 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
- December 25 -- Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the fucking slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
- January 4 -- Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
- January 17 -- Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
- February 2 -- Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
- February 15 -- 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
- March 1 -- Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
- March 8 -- Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
- April 1 -- I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
On the sixth day, God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes, bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth." "But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?" "Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them." AND NOW YOU KNOW.
A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the zookeeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad and part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy the female of the species. The zookeeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500? Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want all the weans raised as RANGERS fans." Once again it was agreed.
4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500"
Two dyslexic bank robbers walk into a bank shouting: "Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a fuckup!"
Why the phuck does "phonics" start with ‘PH’ ?
They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa. It's called Genitalia.
Did you hear about the new gay website? It's at "C : : ###" (see-colon-enter-colon-pound-pound-pound)
When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. So the doctor she asked. "What's wrong?" "Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life. "Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbour's cows." "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
A Draughtsman residing in Poole
Was possessed of a singular tool.
Said he, matter-of-factly,
It's twelve inches exactly
But I don't use it much as a rule
What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You know she'll swallow.
Bruce, a gay man, asks his stylist what he might do about his thinning hair. She says, "Try Vaseline on your scalp, I heard it grows hair." So he goes home and gobs Vaseline all over his scalp. Later his gay partner gets home and says, "What the hell is that on your head?" Bruce replies, "Vaseline. My stylist says it grows hair." His partner replies, "C’mon Bruce. If that were really true, you’d have a ponytail growing out of your ass!"
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, take note of who is really happy to see you!
A fellow was walking down the street with a computer under one arm, a photocopier under the other and a desk strapped to his back. The police arrested him for impersonating an office!
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach one day. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he has finished his ice cream he realizes that his lady friend's ice had started to melt all down his claw. He licked up the melting ice cream. It kept melting and he kept licking until he ended up eating the whole thing. When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams? "Well" he explained, "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too." His lady friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish bastard!"
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.' 'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 'No, from all the bloody skippin!'
A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. "Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace." He then proceeded to bow his head down to pray. When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.
A doting grandfather always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time; just he and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Nana?' 'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?' God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American woman and they decide to get married. When his mother hears the news however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him to marry a nice Jewish girl. When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she even refuses to speak to the boy, practically disowning him. After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child. The mother is happy for him but there is still quite a bit of tension in the air. Six months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name." Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful," she gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You have made me the happiest woman in the world." "That's great, Mom," replies the son. "And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?" The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish!"
Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her neighbor was a very generous black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked "Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter; can I get you anything? Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for -- why should you pay extra." The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen". "Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this ticket?" The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked "Would you let me compare signatures -- would you please sign your name?" The black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?"
Lost in the Translation
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
Sign in a hotel corridor in Istanbul: "Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises."
In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn cock to right."
In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin."
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take on of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages."
In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
Happy St. Patrick’s Day on Monday and may the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch!
"The really ironic thing about this case -- today, the hooker said Spitzer was done in a New York minute." --Jay Leno
"He went through this call girl thing. ... He was known as a regular customer. He was known as Client 9. It looks now like Client 9 will soon be looking for wife number 2." --David Letterman
"Maybe some of you don't know the story, today Eliot Spitzer admitted publicly that he was involved in a prostitution ring, which means Hillary Clinton, now, only the second angriest wife in the state of New York." --Jay Leno
"This is the guy who vowed to clean up New York. But to be fair, he did bring prostitution to its knees one girl at a time." --Jay Leno
"Of course, the big story tonight, known to anyone with a television, or a Google alert set to 'prostitute.' (on screen: Eliot Spitzer press conference). Eliot Spitzer, the law and order governor of New York, caught soliciting sexual favors from a prostitute. Interestingly enough, he was caught on a wiretap, the kind most likely authorized by the law and order governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer. Oops" --Jon Stewart
"I haven't been on the show for a while, but for some reason when this scandal about hookers broke, I looked out the window and there was a helicopter waiting to take me to the studio. It is good to have a specialty. Turns out I was more needed than I thought. This scandal is raising all sorts of questions. [on screen: news anchors asking, 'How would a guy like Governor Spitzer actually do it? Does he pay in cash? Does his real name appear somewhere? How do the check get written? We're talking about $5,000. How do you develop a credit with the prostitution ring is another aspect of the story I don't quite understand']. Please, like you don't know. Guys pay women for sex? No! Okay, let me try and explain this. When a man loves a woman for very much, they share a very special kind of transaction. Maybe I'm going too fast. Let me break this down. First off, cost. Spitzer paid $4300 for two hours with a hooker. I know that sounds pricey. I mean for that much money, you could buy a used Honda and [bleep] it. But the service the governor used was extra fancy. For God sake, it's called the Emperor's Club. You want discounts, go to Sam's Emperor Club. They sell in bulk. In one trip, you can get a 20 gallon pack of mayonnaise and a six pack of hookers." --Lewis Black
"But a lot of rumors about what is going to happen. If Governor Spitzer does resign over his prostitution scandal, it's been reported that he will go into private practice as a lawyer. That's what he's going to do. Yeah. When asked why he wants to practice law again, Spitzer said, 'I like businesses where you charge by the hour and screw your clients.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Tonight, Hillary Clinton says the states she's won are bigger than Obama's. I say it's not the size that counts but whether it's shaped like Florida." --Stephen Colbert
"In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the number one position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular." --Jay Leno
"You know they said on the news today, neither Barack nor Hillary can win the nomination outright. You know, because it's so close. So Hillary's kind of caught between Barack and a hard place." --Jay Leno
"You know, there's talk in some Democratic circles of letting the states of Michigan and Florida re-vote. Today, Al Gore said, 'Oh, now you think of this! Great!'" --Jay Leno
"They're talking about a re-vote primary where people would mail in their ballots. That's a great idea, combine the reliability of the people in Florida who count the ballots with the efficiency of the Post Office. What could go wrong there?" --Jay Leno
"On the eve of Tuesday's primary victories, a defiant Hillary Clinton said, 'I'm just getting warmed up.' Which begs the question, 'Hey, Hillary, how are you gonna be ready on day one if it takes you 31 primaries to get warmed up.'" --Seth Meyers
"Among the people rumored to be a possibility for John McCain's vice-presidential running mate is 51-year-old Florida Governor Charlie Crist and surprisingly not his brother, Jesus Crist" --Seth Meyers
"The big story this week is the Democrats. Hillary got her groove back. I don't know if you saw this but on Tuesday there were four primaries and she beat the Arab guy three to one. I only know what I see in the paper. And she did it the old fashioned way, by building a coalition of women, Latinos and blue-collar white men, and scaring the sh*t out of them." --Bill Maher
"But congratulations to John McCain, he wrapped up the Republican nomination this week. And we know this is official now because Mike Huckabee dropped out and said he was joining forces with John McCain. Oh, great, you've got one guy who doesn't believe in evolution, and another guy who remembers it." --Bill Maher
"Hillary's been going around saying, 'I've been tested.' John McCain also said, 'I've been tested, and luckily the tests came back negative, knock on wood.'" --Bill Maher
"Also eliminated last night, Congressman Ron Paul, of Texas, says he's winding down his presidential campaign. His supporter is devastated. Ron says he's looking forward, though, to spending more time with his wife Mrs. Paul, and her delicious pre-packaged seafood products." --Jimmy Kimmel
"It was a great night for John McCain. In fact, all is going just perfectly for John McCain until today when President Bush endorsed him for president. All that hard work right down the drain. The truth is, McCain asked President Bush to endorse him. I'm starting to think that maybe the guy likes torture." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Oh, Mike Huckabee, I don't want to have to say Huck-a-bye. Maybe it's all just a terrible dream. I'll just close my eyes and when I open them, Huckabee will be the nominee [on screen: John McCain saying, 'I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States']. Noooooo! He's not a real conservative. I'm not saying the Republicans should have nominated Reagan's reanimated corpse. I just didn't want it to be John McCain's reanimated corpse." --Stephen Colbert
"Hillary Clinton is back in the hunt for the Democratic nomination. She won do or die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island and Texas last night. A lot of people thought she would be done today, but just like Bill always says, Hillary does not go down without a fight." --Jimmy Kimmel
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer sure has himself in a lot of hot water with news of his high priced hooker. People are asking why he would want to stray when his wife is such a fine looking woman. I’ll tell you why – his wife’s a Spitzer and he’s looking for a swallower!
Diary of a snow shoveler:
- November 15 -- 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
- December 9 -- We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
- December 12 -- The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbour.
- December 14 -- Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I armed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
- December 15 -- 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
- December 16 -- Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
- December 17 -- Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
- December 20 -- Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
- December 22 -- Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
- December 23 -- Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
- December 24 -- 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
- December 25 -- Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the fucking slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
- January 4 -- Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
- January 17 -- Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
- February 2 -- Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
- February 15 -- 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
- March 1 -- Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
- March 8 -- Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
- April 1 -- I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
On the sixth day, God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes, bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth." "But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?" "Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them." AND NOW YOU KNOW.
A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the zookeeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad and part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy the female of the species. The zookeeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500? Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want all the weans raised as RANGERS fans." Once again it was agreed.
4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500"
Two dyslexic bank robbers walk into a bank shouting: "Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a fuckup!"
Why the phuck does "phonics" start with ‘PH’ ?
They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa. It's called Genitalia.
Did you hear about the new gay website? It's at "C : : ###" (see-colon-enter-colon-pound-pound-pound)
When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. So the doctor she asked. "What's wrong?" "Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life. "Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbour's cows." "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
A Draughtsman residing in Poole
Was possessed of a singular tool.
Said he, matter-of-factly,
It's twelve inches exactly
But I don't use it much as a rule
What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You know she'll swallow.
Bruce, a gay man, asks his stylist what he might do about his thinning hair. She says, "Try Vaseline on your scalp, I heard it grows hair." So he goes home and gobs Vaseline all over his scalp. Later his gay partner gets home and says, "What the hell is that on your head?" Bruce replies, "Vaseline. My stylist says it grows hair." His partner replies, "C’mon Bruce. If that were really true, you’d have a ponytail growing out of your ass!"
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, take note of who is really happy to see you!
A fellow was walking down the street with a computer under one arm, a photocopier under the other and a desk strapped to his back. The police arrested him for impersonating an office!
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach one day. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he has finished his ice cream he realizes that his lady friend's ice had started to melt all down his claw. He licked up the melting ice cream. It kept melting and he kept licking until he ended up eating the whole thing. When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams? "Well" he explained, "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too." His lady friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish bastard!"
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.' 'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 'No, from all the bloody skippin!'
A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. "Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace." He then proceeded to bow his head down to pray. When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.
A doting grandfather always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time; just he and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Nana?' 'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?' God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American woman and they decide to get married. When his mother hears the news however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him to marry a nice Jewish girl. When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she even refuses to speak to the boy, practically disowning him. After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child. The mother is happy for him but there is still quite a bit of tension in the air. Six months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name." Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful," she gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You have made me the happiest woman in the world." "That's great, Mom," replies the son. "And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?" The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish!"
Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her neighbor was a very generous black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked "Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter; can I get you anything? Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for -- why should you pay extra." The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen". "Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this ticket?" The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked "Would you let me compare signatures -- would you please sign your name?" The black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?"
Lost in the Translation
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
Sign in a hotel corridor in Istanbul: "Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises."
In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn cock to right."
In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin."
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take on of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages."
In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
Happy St. Patrick’s Day on Monday and may the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch!
Friday Funnies March 7 08
"In a press conference today, President Bush announced America is not headed into a recession, especially if you own an oil company." --Jay Leno
"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have you noticed that? That's mostly from the siphoning, but still it's a horror. ... In fact, gas is so expensive in L.A., now when you call 9-1-1, they ask you to meet the ambulance half way." --Jay Leno
"Four bucks a gallon they say by summer. I hear a lot of people say they'll stop driving. Unfortunately, it's not Lindsay Lohan or Britney." --Jay Leno
"Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger." --Jay Leno
"And Senator Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast, announced he's actually looking for interns who want to work in his office. Here's the creepy part. His advice to anyone who wants to be his intern, 'Think inside the bun.'" --Jay Leno
"I am sick of Republican rule. I am, because first it was Senator Larry Craig and now the economy is in the toilet." --Bill Maher
"He says things will improve once those $300 rebate checks start arriving in the mailbox. So, be sure to check that mailbox in the house you used to live in before the sheriff came and took it away." --Bill Maher
"John McCain apologized Tuesday after radio talk show host Bill Cunningham, who introduced McCain at a rally, repeatedly emphasized Barack's Obama's middle name, 'Hussein,' without once mentioning McCain's middle name, 'Methuselah.'" --Seth Meyers
"President Bush on Thursday said that the country is not heading for a recession and that the economy is actually robust. He added, 'Case in point, I'm rich!'" --Amy Poehler
"There have been charges of foul play from both sides. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by implying that he's a Muslim or Muslim-sympathizer, and Clinton has accused Obama and his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her and make her melt." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen. Remember Senator Larry Craig from Idaho? Well, remember he got himself in some trouble up there in the Minneapolis airport. It was a fun kind of trouble. But he now is looking for summer interns, Larry Craig. And I said whoa, cut me a slice of that. And everybody is very excited about Larry Craig's summer intern program. And if you are selected, now you have to be prepared to report early to learn Larry's foot tapping code" --David Letterman
"Here's a story that is hard to believe. This is absolutely true. This is from the 'have you no shame?' department. You all know Senator Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast, we call him. He announced he is taking applications for summer interns to work in his office. ... Isn't that unbelievable? Would you want that on your resume? 'I served under Larry Craig.' All interviews will be conducted in stall number three, I believe. You just wait and he'll push some papers under the door." --Jay Leno
"How about that presidential campaign? Hillary is down there campaigning in Texas. She is a little nervous, doing everything she can, pulling out all the stops in Texas today. She was campaigning in a rawhide pantsuit." --David Letterman
"Well, this is depressing. Oil is now over $100 a barrel. Experts say gas could reach $4 a gallon, yeah. I believe the experts are named Bush and Cheney." --Jay Leno
"I don't think President Bush really understands the impact this has on the average American. Like, today, when they told him people would be paying $4 a gallon, he said, 'Why don't folks just buy half a gallon, and then with the money you save, you can buy the other half?'" --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton criticized the media the other night during the debate for always asking her the first question. She feels they're picking on her because she always ask her the first question. I don't know, is that her biggest concern? The way the polls are going right now, she's very close to being asked her last question." --Jay Leno
"This is a weird story. In Japan -- you've got to follow me on this -- a town named Obama is trying to attract Barack Obama supporters to visit as tourists. That's right. Meanwhile, tourism officials are trying to attract Hillary Clinton supporters in the German town of Nutbuster" --Conan O'Brien
"Florida officials are still in a panic over yesterday's big power outage. You hear about that? A huge power outage. They were on the phone today with President Bush saying, 'We know it wasn't supposed to happen until Election Day. We don't know what happened. It was premature.'" --Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton was selected Monday the national issues spokesperson by the Democratic party. She immediately refused comment on the Ten Commandments display just ordered out of the Alabama Supreme Court lobby. Hillary Clinton isn't opposed to the Ten Commandments, but she's not exactly married to the idea, either.
British Columbia Premier Gordon Campbell was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation last weekend in Kitimat, B.C. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living. He referred to his career as mayor of Vancouver, how he had signed "YES" to every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. At the conclusion of his speech, the tribe presented the Premier with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle”. The proud Campbell then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs as to how they came to select the new name given to Campbell. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
In an effort to overcome the continuing criticism that he is unsupportive, and in fact dismissive, of Israel, one of America's closest allies today, President Bush announced that he is converting to Judaism in the hope that this will demonstrate his affinity and empathy with the Israeli people. Authorities have been unable to handle the many millions of applicants who volunteered to be the mohyel.
10 signs you might be a Taliban
10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look big?"
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave."
And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:
1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: There was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?" "No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality... he's a bum fuck!"
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a guy without a boner, make him a sandwich.
My last girlfriend was so insincere, she faked orgasms when she masturbated.
A poll was conducted as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising:
10% of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.
10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs.
And the other 80% preferred in-between.
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'how am I doing?' The prostitute replies, 'Well Mate, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?' She replies, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. 'Twenty dollars...' she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light Flashes on them. It's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife!!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!'
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle, he gave me a longer cane."
Mick the Newfie appeared on 'Who wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000. 'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, but for 1 million dollars, you've only got one lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?' 'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest ? (a) Robin ( b) Sparrow (c) Cuckoo (d) Thrush.' ' I hasn't got a clue,' said Paddy, 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Come-Bye-Chance.' Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. ' Jazus, Mick!', cried Paddy. 'Dat's just simple logic....it's a cuckoo.' 'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick. 'I'm fookin sure' replied Paddy. Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo as my answer.' Is that your final answer?' asked the host. 'Dat it is Sir.' There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1,000,000.00!' The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean you know bugger-all about birds.' Fer fooks sake!' laughed Paddy. 'Lord tunderin Jazuz, everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!'
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner
for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And, last but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social security Pension Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.
PLEASE, DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own.
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the fuckin' dishes!'
Oldie Goldie
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded, each group of three of the same nationality on a different island:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their businesses.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun. The Irish woman has taken vows and become a nun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous and were always getting into trouble. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, GOD is missing, and they think we did it!
A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. 'Grandpa, Grandpa,' he says excitedly, 'as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!' 'What?' said his grandpa. 'Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!'
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon were, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut, however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong, and this time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom window. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard his neighbor Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Sex, you want sex? You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard. My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on. When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money, and I look away. My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back. When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much rhythm, so I sit self-consciously and listen. My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make up their own. When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk. My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing. When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that. My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy." When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with. I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from? No wonder God loves the little children! Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. I wish you Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions!
"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have you noticed that? That's mostly from the siphoning, but still it's a horror. ... In fact, gas is so expensive in L.A., now when you call 9-1-1, they ask you to meet the ambulance half way." --Jay Leno
"Four bucks a gallon they say by summer. I hear a lot of people say they'll stop driving. Unfortunately, it's not Lindsay Lohan or Britney." --Jay Leno
"Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger." --Jay Leno
"And Senator Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast, announced he's actually looking for interns who want to work in his office. Here's the creepy part. His advice to anyone who wants to be his intern, 'Think inside the bun.'" --Jay Leno
"I am sick of Republican rule. I am, because first it was Senator Larry Craig and now the economy is in the toilet." --Bill Maher
"He says things will improve once those $300 rebate checks start arriving in the mailbox. So, be sure to check that mailbox in the house you used to live in before the sheriff came and took it away." --Bill Maher
"John McCain apologized Tuesday after radio talk show host Bill Cunningham, who introduced McCain at a rally, repeatedly emphasized Barack's Obama's middle name, 'Hussein,' without once mentioning McCain's middle name, 'Methuselah.'" --Seth Meyers
"President Bush on Thursday said that the country is not heading for a recession and that the economy is actually robust. He added, 'Case in point, I'm rich!'" --Amy Poehler
"There have been charges of foul play from both sides. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by implying that he's a Muslim or Muslim-sympathizer, and Clinton has accused Obama and his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her and make her melt." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen. Remember Senator Larry Craig from Idaho? Well, remember he got himself in some trouble up there in the Minneapolis airport. It was a fun kind of trouble. But he now is looking for summer interns, Larry Craig. And I said whoa, cut me a slice of that. And everybody is very excited about Larry Craig's summer intern program. And if you are selected, now you have to be prepared to report early to learn Larry's foot tapping code" --David Letterman
"Here's a story that is hard to believe. This is absolutely true. This is from the 'have you no shame?' department. You all know Senator Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast, we call him. He announced he is taking applications for summer interns to work in his office. ... Isn't that unbelievable? Would you want that on your resume? 'I served under Larry Craig.' All interviews will be conducted in stall number three, I believe. You just wait and he'll push some papers under the door." --Jay Leno
"How about that presidential campaign? Hillary is down there campaigning in Texas. She is a little nervous, doing everything she can, pulling out all the stops in Texas today. She was campaigning in a rawhide pantsuit." --David Letterman
"Well, this is depressing. Oil is now over $100 a barrel. Experts say gas could reach $4 a gallon, yeah. I believe the experts are named Bush and Cheney." --Jay Leno
"I don't think President Bush really understands the impact this has on the average American. Like, today, when they told him people would be paying $4 a gallon, he said, 'Why don't folks just buy half a gallon, and then with the money you save, you can buy the other half?'" --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton criticized the media the other night during the debate for always asking her the first question. She feels they're picking on her because she always ask her the first question. I don't know, is that her biggest concern? The way the polls are going right now, she's very close to being asked her last question." --Jay Leno
"This is a weird story. In Japan -- you've got to follow me on this -- a town named Obama is trying to attract Barack Obama supporters to visit as tourists. That's right. Meanwhile, tourism officials are trying to attract Hillary Clinton supporters in the German town of Nutbuster" --Conan O'Brien
"Florida officials are still in a panic over yesterday's big power outage. You hear about that? A huge power outage. They were on the phone today with President Bush saying, 'We know it wasn't supposed to happen until Election Day. We don't know what happened. It was premature.'" --Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton was selected Monday the national issues spokesperson by the Democratic party. She immediately refused comment on the Ten Commandments display just ordered out of the Alabama Supreme Court lobby. Hillary Clinton isn't opposed to the Ten Commandments, but she's not exactly married to the idea, either.
British Columbia Premier Gordon Campbell was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation last weekend in Kitimat, B.C. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living. He referred to his career as mayor of Vancouver, how he had signed "YES" to every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. At the conclusion of his speech, the tribe presented the Premier with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle”. The proud Campbell then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs as to how they came to select the new name given to Campbell. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
In an effort to overcome the continuing criticism that he is unsupportive, and in fact dismissive, of Israel, one of America's closest allies today, President Bush announced that he is converting to Judaism in the hope that this will demonstrate his affinity and empathy with the Israeli people. Authorities have been unable to handle the many millions of applicants who volunteered to be the mohyel.
10 signs you might be a Taliban
10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look big?"
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave."
And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:
1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: There was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?" "No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality... he's a bum fuck!"
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a guy without a boner, make him a sandwich.
My last girlfriend was so insincere, she faked orgasms when she masturbated.
A poll was conducted as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising:
10% of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.
10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs.
And the other 80% preferred in-between.
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'how am I doing?' The prostitute replies, 'Well Mate, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?' She replies, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. 'Twenty dollars...' she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light Flashes on them. It's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife!!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!'
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle, he gave me a longer cane."
Mick the Newfie appeared on 'Who wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000. 'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, but for 1 million dollars, you've only got one lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?' 'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest ? (a) Robin ( b) Sparrow (c) Cuckoo (d) Thrush.' ' I hasn't got a clue,' said Paddy, 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Come-Bye-Chance.' Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. ' Jazus, Mick!', cried Paddy. 'Dat's just simple logic....it's a cuckoo.' 'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick. 'I'm fookin sure' replied Paddy. Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo as my answer.' Is that your final answer?' asked the host. 'Dat it is Sir.' There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1,000,000.00!' The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean you know bugger-all about birds.' Fer fooks sake!' laughed Paddy. 'Lord tunderin Jazuz, everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!'
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner
for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And, last but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social security Pension Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.
PLEASE, DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own.
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the fuckin' dishes!'
Oldie Goldie
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded, each group of three of the same nationality on a different island:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their businesses.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun. The Irish woman has taken vows and become a nun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous and were always getting into trouble. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, GOD is missing, and they think we did it!
A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. 'Grandpa, Grandpa,' he says excitedly, 'as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!' 'What?' said his grandpa. 'Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!'
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon were, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut, however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong, and this time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom window. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard his neighbor Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Sex, you want sex? You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard. My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on. When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money, and I look away. My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back. When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much rhythm, so I sit self-consciously and listen. My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make up their own. When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk. My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing. When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that. My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy." When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with. I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from? No wonder God loves the little children! Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. I wish you Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions!
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