"Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama appointed Utah's Republican Governor Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China, part of Obama's strategy to get every Republican out of the country by 2010." --Jimmy Fallon
"Michelle Obama went to the ballet here in New York last night. I heard she saw Hillary Clinton's favorite ballet, 'The Nutcracker.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"I love this, the Federal government now bailing out insurance companies. Billions of our dollars are going to some of the nation's top insurance companies to keep them from collapsing. Wow, too bad they didn't have insurance!" --Jay Leno
"Well, last week, the FDA scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10%. Well, they're not stopping there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted he lied about his military record." --Jay Leno
"Well, another gaffe by Vice President Joe Biden. God bless Joe Biden. He's been our savior here. Newsweek is reporting that at the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks." --Jay Leno
"Actually, do you know what Dick Cheney's secret location turned out to be? Under the Vice President's house. Is that really a secret, huh? You're in the basement, really? Our enemies never think to look behind the furnace. Ooh." --Jay Leno
"And a Chicago company is now marketing hair products inspired by that idiot Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. This is real. This is the new product right here. It's called Head & Swindler. Can you read the back? It says, 'lather, rinse, impeach.' It's all right here." --Jay Leno
"Nancy Pelosi now saying the CIA misled her. Misled. Doesn't that sound like the name of some beauty contestant in China? 'Please welcome Mis Led, ladies and gentlemen.' Huh, think I got a week and a half left? Huh?" --Jay Leno
"No, actually, Nancy Pelosi said she heard stories of inmates being injected with a deadly toxin that paralyzes the nerves in your face. No, that's her Botox. I'm sorry. You know, I'm so confused." --Jay Leno
This week marks the 54th anniversary of the invention of the credit card. See, before that, people practiced something called 'living within their means' -- a foolish, foolish, outmoded way of life." --Jay Leno
"On Saturday, President Obama went to Malia and Sasha's soccer games. He rode to the games on Minivan One." --Jimmy Fallon
"In the new issue of Newsweek, they're calling Barack Obama 'Spock with global sex appeal,' which is a bit of coincidence because Time magazine is calling Joe Biden 'Chewbacca with fur plugs.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"In a reversal of his position, President Obama this week said he now opposes the release of photographs showing terror suspects being abused in Afghanistan and Iraq. Meaning we'll just have to wait for Dick Cheney's Christmas card." --Amy Poehler
"Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, wants to 'legalize the marijuana.' He says that taxes on it will help raise money to balance the budget. Now, see, this can go one of two ways. Either California raises some revenue and balanced the budget, or California still goes broke, but everybody is too stoned to care. So, you see, it is a win-win, really." --Jay Leno
"You think security in Washington is so good? A Capitol police report said that a drunken man spent several hours wandering through the Hart Senate Office Building late at night, after he parked his car in the garage, staggered into the building drunk, didn't get stopped or challenged by anybody. Security didn't do anything to the guy. In fact, they first realized he wasn't a real senator when, after three hours, he hadn't groped anybody, raised taxes or taken a bribe." --Jay Leno
"And a New York City auction house is having something unusual. It's selling a large variety of torture devices dating from the 16th century. A bunch of torture devices. Said the whole thing looks like a Dick Cheney garage sale." --Jay Leno
"Last night, President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White House. A poetry slam is when poets stand up and read poems. They try and outdo each other. And things can get out of control. Apparently, last night, one person got up on stage and rambled on and on and didn't make any sense. And then, when Joe Biden was done, they started the poetry." --Craig Ferguson
"It's groundbreaking to have a poetry slam. It's never happened before. I think Dick Cheney once held a torture slam. 'There was a young man from Nantucket. I put his head in a bucket.'" --Craig Ferguson
"What a good crowd, boy! It's obvious you folks don't have money in the stock market. Oh, a horrible day today. Man, stocks were falling like Miss California's top." --Jay Leno
"Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant over the weekend. And already they're embroiled in their own scandal. Seems topless photos of the newly crowned Miss Saudi Arabia surfaced today. You could see her entire forehead." --Jay Leno
"Governor Schwarzenegger says he is trying to get marijuana legalized here in the California. He wants to legalize it. Yeah. Yeah. I believe his campaign slogan is 'Change We Can Breathe In.'" --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, the New York State Assembly overwhelmingly passed a bill approving same-sex marriage. And now the bill goes to the State Senate, where it will likely face a closer vote. In other words, the bill could go both ways." --Jimmy Fallon
"Do you remember the old guy who was running for president? John McCain. Remember him? And the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, Remember Sarah Palin? That was a lot of fun, wasn't it? Well, guess what? Sarah Palin has got a deal to write her memoir. Got a deal to write her memoir, yup. I believe it's titled, 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman
David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin Memoir:
10. She's already completed her 2012 presidential concession speech.
9. Her husband Todd is a person of interest in dozens of unsolved snowmobile hit-and-runs.
8. State troopers have been instructed to taser Katie Couric on sight.
7. "Memoir" is misspelled.
6. Not only can she see Russia, earlier today she saw the astronauts working on Hubble.
5. The entire thing, plagiarized word-for-word from Artie Lange's "Too Fat To Fish."
4. Cover shows her in a passionate embrace with a shirtless Fabio.
3. Sworn in as Governor with her left hand on a copy of "Guns & Ammo" magazine.
2. Claims she had three-way sex with Michael Phelps and a stripper.
1. She voted for Obama
Meanwhile, here is an example of Sporting Irony: A little known fact...
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.' The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible - so many men dying that way!' Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.' After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'
Top Ten Misquoted Movie Lines:
1. “Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back”
Misquote: “Luke, I am your father.” – Darth Vader
Real quote: One syllable words, heavy breathing and a mask hide the real line, which is, “No, I am your father.” It makes sense in context.
2. “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”
Misquote: “Mirror, mirror on the wall.” – Evil Queen
Reality: “Magic mirror on the wall.” She didn’t have a stutter; you just thought she did.
3. “Casablanca”
Misquote: “Play it again, Sam.” – Rick Blaine
Reality: The dialogue wasn’t as succinct as that. In truth, Bogie’s actual line was, “You played it for her, you can play it for me. If she can stand it, I can. Play it!”
4. “Silence of the Lambs”
Misquote: “Hello, Clarice” – Hannibal Lector
Reality: Hannibal is much classier than a meager hello. He actually said, “Good evening, Clarice.” Luckily for all those walking around misquoting him, “Hello Clarice” was popped into the sequel.
5. “Star Trek”
Misquote: “Beam me up, Scotty.” – Captain Kirk
Reality: There were a lot of lines with a similar sentiment but the closest was “Scotty, beam us up.”
6. “…And Justice For All”
Misquote: “I’m out of order? You’re out of order! This whole courtroom is out of order!” – Arthur Kirkland
Reality: When provoked by the judge, Al Pacino actually snaps back with, “You’re out of order! You’re out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They’re out of order!” Same sentiment, just harder to quote.
7. “Field of Dreams”
Misquote: “If you built it, they will come.” – Ray Kinsella
Reality: My kingdom for a pronoun – the actual quote was, “If you build it, he will come.”
8. “Dirty Harry”
Misquote: “Do you feel lucky, punk?” – Harry Callahan
Reality: “You’ve got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, Punk?”
9. “The Wizard of Oz”
Misquote: “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Toto.” Or “Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore.” – Dorothy
Reality: “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
10. “The Graduate”
Misquote: “Mrs Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?” – Benjamin
Reality: Naïve and young maybe, but not questioning: Hoffman’s line was “You’re trying to seduce me.”
@Work:
I was on the computer in my office when my eight-year-old son asked what I did for a living.
"I'm a consultant," I said. "What's a consultant?" "It's someone who watches people work and then tells them how they could do it better." "We have people like that in my class," he said, "but we call them pests."
The instructor of our paramedic certification class taught us to keep performing chest compressions until backup arrived. "But what if we can't keep going?" a fellow student wanted to know, "should we call 911?""Son," said our instructor, "you are 911."
I was furiously cranking out reports recently when my office mate got a phone call. I did my best to ignore what I heard him tell the person on the other end: "No, I'm not busy. I'm just at work."
From the department of the stunningly obvious comes this statement from a reporter at the scene of a murder: "Some people in this neighborhood feel this should never have happened."
For a story about safe driving, a BBC anchorwoman had this revelation: "Most cars have only one occupant, usually the driver."
Going with a prisoner to the local hospital to have blood work done was too much for me: I fainted as the needle was inserted into his arm. I was out for only a second, but it was long enough for the inmate to become concerned for my well-being. "You know," he said, "if you take these cuffs off me, I can drive us back to prison."
SIGNS OF THE TIMES:
Discovered: the key to one local store's success. Posted on its signboard was this warning: "We no longer accept bad checks."
A nearby pet shop has something for everyone. Its flyer reads: "Pet Lovers' Special: $5 Rabies."
My favorite Chinese restaurant is the real deal. A sign screams, "Authentic Chinese Food---New York Style."
Two men taking a coffee break in their office come face to face. Each has a mug that says on it: "World's Greatest Dad". One says to the other, "Are you saying my kid's a liar?"
Kids are quick and cute – Here are a few examples:
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this kid)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O..
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right...'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.' The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?' The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!' Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?' The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'
A three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up. The little boy is holding on to the toilet seat with his left hand and hitting himself on top of the head with his right. The mother says, “Billy, you’ve been there a long time. Is everything OK?” Billy says, ”I’m fine Mummy, I just haven’t gone doody yet.” The mother says, ”OK you can stay for a few more minutes, but why are you hitting yourself on the head?” Billy says, “Works for ketchup!”
A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, age 6....that last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses ... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but... How?
6. Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
7. No news is... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new... Math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust... Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
13. An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's... pollution.
15. Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is... not much.
17. Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you... See in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand... is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than... pregnant
Questions That Haunt Me:
- If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
- They're going to see you naked anyway.
- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
- Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
After spending three hours enduring the long lines, unfriendly clerks and ridiculous regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, a guy stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son. He brought the gift, a baseball bat, to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash!" the guy snarled. After apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, "I'm sorry, I've just spent the afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Bureau." "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or, are you going back there?"
A rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the rabbi's additional children were costing the synagogue, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the rabbi rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the synagogue, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
A Jewish man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but......your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis." They work great but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch. The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.” The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" Yes I have, says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" “Yes" says the man. “What is your decision?" asks the doctor. “We're getting granite countertops."
Friday, May 22, 2009
Friday Funnies May 15 09
Happy May two-four weekend to us Canucks! Actually called Victoria Day, this holiday commemorates the May 24, 1819, birthday of Britain’s Queen Victoria. After Queen Victoria’s death in 1901, the people of Canada continued to mark her birthday to show loyalty to the British Empire - well maybe it's less the loyalty thing than we just wanted another excuse for a holiday! The holiday is celebrated supposedly on the closest Monday to May 24th, but don't ask me why it's this weekend when a week Sunday is May 24th (OK so it must be the celebrated on the Monday before May 24th!). It's more affectionately known to most virile Canadian men as the May two four weekend as any guy worth his salt is expected to down at least a two-four of Canadian beer over the weekend. Cheers!
"Those of you who are residents of California, you can stop stockpiling food and water. You can unlock your doors again. Miss California is keeping her crown! So California is no longer rudderless. We have a leader." --Jay Leno
"John Edwards said that he and his wife are getting to a better place. He said that, after he admitted his affair, he took a long, hard look in the mirror and fell in love all over again." --Jay Leno
"Anybody see the White House Correspondents' Dinner over the weekend? Vice President Joe Biden was funny. I mean, not shoot your buddy in the face funny. But he was funny, you know. He did what he could." --David Letterman
"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman
"President Obama's national security advisor says he just doesn't know whether Osama bin Laden is dead or alive. Same thing with Larry King -- we don't know." --David Letterman
"What a scandal we've had brewing here in the Golden State. You're not going to believe this, but Miss California, a beauty contestant, posed for naked pictures. Her fate was decided by Donald Trump, who owns the Miss USA pageant. Trump says Miss California can keep her crown. Actually, her trouble started when she stated her opposition to same-sex marriage. And after noting that even President Obama does not support same-sex marriage, Trump pointed out that he personally believes that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a series of progressively younger women." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, how about this? State officials warned today California could be broke by July, which is great because most people thought we were already broke." --Jay Leno
"How could California be broke by July? What happened to all the money we gave them on April 15th?" --Jay Leno
"And California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. Good slogan he has — 'Yes, we cannabis.'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, pro baseball player Manny Ramirez got some good news over the weekend. It seems he has taken so many female hormones, he can now legally celebrate Mother's Day." --Jay Leno
"It seems like the drug Manny Ramirez tested positive for is commonly used for female fertility. I guess the team started getting suspicious when he stopped getting jock itch and started getting that not so fresh feeling." --Jay Leno
"Don't start with me, survivors of swine flu. Boy, last week, it was the pandemic that was going to wipe out the human race. This week, a great way to lose a little weight for bikini season. So, good news for you California housewives. You can go back to screwing your gardener." --Bill Maher
"In California, Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for the legalization of marijuana. Yes. He is calling his program 'Weed the People.'" --Jay Leno
"Health officials are now warning of a new super-flu. It combines the swine flu and the bird flu viruses. They're calling it the turducken of infectious diseases." --Jimmy Fallon
"The crown at the top of the Statue of Liberty will reopen on the Fourth of July for the first time since 9/11. Isn't that cool? Visitors will now be able to touch Air Force One as it flies right past them." --Jimmy Fallon
"Ooh, the big story, earlier today -- I can't wait to see the ratings on this -- Elizabeth Edwards was discussing her marriage on 'Oprah.' And this weekend, John Edwards will discuss his marriage on 'Cheaters.'" --Jay Leno
"Here is something that's causing a huge controversy here in California. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, says it's time to start the debate on legalizing marijuana. Yeah. He says he 'wants some pot in every pot.'" --Jay Leno
"Of course, people in Los Angeles are split on this. Half want it legalized, the other half think it's already legal." --Jay Leno
"Actually, the University of California says they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana research center." --Jay Leno
"And government bureaucrats in China have been ordered to smoke more locally produced cigarettes in order to set an example for citizens and stimulate the Chinese cigarette industry. And health officials are worried that smoking could become the number one cause of death now because of this government mandate. But do you know what the number one cause of death is in China now? Disobeying a government mandate. So, you're kind of stuck." --Jay Leno
"And a Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill." --Jay Leno
"The gay agenda put another notch in its thick leather crotch harness yesterday. Maine has legalized gay marriage." --Jon Stewart
"Another state legalized same-sex marriage this week. Yesterday the governor of Maine signed a bill legalizing it, and you know what that means? Gay lobsters." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, tomorrow, John Edwards' wife, Elizabeth Edwards, a great woman, is going to be on 'Oprah.' How many of you are going to watch that? How many of would you rather see her beat the crap out of her husband on 'Jerry Springer?'" --Jay Leno
"They taped the show earlier in the week and they've been showing little snippets of it. And when Oprah asks about their marriage, Elizabeth says, 'Neither one of us is out the door.' But believe me. One of them is on the couch." --Jay Leno
"And as if he doesn't have enough problems already, John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here's my question. Why can't we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet? Where is that hush money?" --Jay Leno
"And President Obama held a White House Cinco de Mayo celebration this week, where he honored the Mexican people and he spoke Spanish. See, that shows you how far we've come as a country. Think about this. Where a half Kenyan/American president with an Arabic middle name can speak Spanish to a bunch of English-speaking reporters whose bankrupt newspapers are now owned by the Chinese. See what I'm saying? That's crazy. What a great country." --Jay Leno
"Hey, today, Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marriage and the first gay couple to get married? I was surprised: L.L. Bean and the old Pepperidge Farm guy." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama and Joe Biden made a surprise trip outside the White House yesterday for burgers. Yeah! Obama ordered a cheeseburger and Biden asked for whatever comes with the toy." --Jimmy Fallon
"After they finished the meal, Obama put the duct tape back over Biden's mouth." --Jimmy Fallon
"The government is now recommending that schools stay open even if they have a confirmed case of swine flu. I love it. In one week, the swine flu has gone from the end of the world to not as bad as snow." --Jimmy Fallon
"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson
I’m starting to be somewhat suspicious of the Chinese calendar. 2007 was the Chinese year of the Chicken and what happened? Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia. 2008 was the Chinese year of the Horse and what happened? Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing. 2009 was the Chinese year of the Pig and what happened? Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe. Do you notice a pattern here? Guys, I’m afraid to tell you it's about to get much worse. Prepare yourself now because 2010 is the Chinese year of the Cock!
The ultimate irony - 90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.
And I hope this one didn’t come from my wife….
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
At the nursing home, old Ernie is walking down the hall with his manhood hanging out of his pyjamas. The nurse tells him he shut tuck it back in. He says, ’But my penis died yesterday!” The nurse says, ‘So why do you have it hanging out?’ He says proudly, ‘Today’s the viewing!’
The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!' The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.' 'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had the same procedure done some time ago.' 'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once In a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and se if I can find them. Thanks for telling me." "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'. "Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", "not everybody pays".
A Child's prayer, Very touching!
Dear God, Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer. Amen
Star Trek Humour (In honour of the new movie)
Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?A: Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say "I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're dead, Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?A: TWO: One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all of the credit.
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?A: NONE: Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: What do the Klingons do with the dead bulb?A: Execute it for failure.
Q: What do the Klingons do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?A: Execute him for cowardice.
Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY-ONE: One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000
Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?A: All of them!
Q: What is Captain Picards biggest pet peeve?A: When they replace his dilithium crystals with Folgers crystals.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Dr. McCoy: Dammit Jim!! I'm a doctor not a farmer!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Mr. Spock: Obviously, it was the logical thing to do.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Mr. Data: Why is a barn yard fowl crossing a thoroughfare humorous?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Mr. Worf: For the honor of all chickens.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Counsilor Troi: I knew it was going to happen. I could sense it.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Computer: Insufficient information.
Q: Have you read the book "The Positronic Brain"?A: It's by: Anne Droid
Q: Have you read the book "Damn it Jim"?A: It's by: Ima Doctor and Nada Bricklayer.
Q: Have you read the book "Chekov: The Navigator"?A: It's by: I. Kiptin
Q: What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?A: A croaking device.
Next Life by Woody Allen
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, and then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, and you play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my case.
A seventy-six-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, "poof!" the light goes on. When I'm done, "poof!" the light goes off. "Wow”, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife." Ethel," he says, "Harry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and "poof!", the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, "poof!" the light goes off?" "Oh my God!", Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
A Police Officer stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The Officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Asshole!" Two months later they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?" Officer responds, "Yes sir that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."
Lawyer: "Aggressive and Hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"
In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah then she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Chana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did. They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did. On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?" She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from such a wonderful family!
Oldie Goldie
Sid comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk. Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform. Sid tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1942. He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 55 years old. Weeks later, Sid happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck, a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man. The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop. Sid is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America! Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"
Is there a magic cut-off period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, it's their life, and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do you stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, 'Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
By the time I was fifty, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments. My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my dad's warm smile and his occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?'
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.
"Those of you who are residents of California, you can stop stockpiling food and water. You can unlock your doors again. Miss California is keeping her crown! So California is no longer rudderless. We have a leader." --Jay Leno
"John Edwards said that he and his wife are getting to a better place. He said that, after he admitted his affair, he took a long, hard look in the mirror and fell in love all over again." --Jay Leno
"Anybody see the White House Correspondents' Dinner over the weekend? Vice President Joe Biden was funny. I mean, not shoot your buddy in the face funny. But he was funny, you know. He did what he could." --David Letterman
"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman
"President Obama's national security advisor says he just doesn't know whether Osama bin Laden is dead or alive. Same thing with Larry King -- we don't know." --David Letterman
"What a scandal we've had brewing here in the Golden State. You're not going to believe this, but Miss California, a beauty contestant, posed for naked pictures. Her fate was decided by Donald Trump, who owns the Miss USA pageant. Trump says Miss California can keep her crown. Actually, her trouble started when she stated her opposition to same-sex marriage. And after noting that even President Obama does not support same-sex marriage, Trump pointed out that he personally believes that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a series of progressively younger women." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, how about this? State officials warned today California could be broke by July, which is great because most people thought we were already broke." --Jay Leno
"How could California be broke by July? What happened to all the money we gave them on April 15th?" --Jay Leno
"And California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. Good slogan he has — 'Yes, we cannabis.'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, pro baseball player Manny Ramirez got some good news over the weekend. It seems he has taken so many female hormones, he can now legally celebrate Mother's Day." --Jay Leno
"It seems like the drug Manny Ramirez tested positive for is commonly used for female fertility. I guess the team started getting suspicious when he stopped getting jock itch and started getting that not so fresh feeling." --Jay Leno
"Don't start with me, survivors of swine flu. Boy, last week, it was the pandemic that was going to wipe out the human race. This week, a great way to lose a little weight for bikini season. So, good news for you California housewives. You can go back to screwing your gardener." --Bill Maher
"In California, Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for the legalization of marijuana. Yes. He is calling his program 'Weed the People.'" --Jay Leno
"Health officials are now warning of a new super-flu. It combines the swine flu and the bird flu viruses. They're calling it the turducken of infectious diseases." --Jimmy Fallon
"The crown at the top of the Statue of Liberty will reopen on the Fourth of July for the first time since 9/11. Isn't that cool? Visitors will now be able to touch Air Force One as it flies right past them." --Jimmy Fallon
"Ooh, the big story, earlier today -- I can't wait to see the ratings on this -- Elizabeth Edwards was discussing her marriage on 'Oprah.' And this weekend, John Edwards will discuss his marriage on 'Cheaters.'" --Jay Leno
"Here is something that's causing a huge controversy here in California. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, says it's time to start the debate on legalizing marijuana. Yeah. He says he 'wants some pot in every pot.'" --Jay Leno
"Of course, people in Los Angeles are split on this. Half want it legalized, the other half think it's already legal." --Jay Leno
"Actually, the University of California says they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana research center." --Jay Leno
"And government bureaucrats in China have been ordered to smoke more locally produced cigarettes in order to set an example for citizens and stimulate the Chinese cigarette industry. And health officials are worried that smoking could become the number one cause of death now because of this government mandate. But do you know what the number one cause of death is in China now? Disobeying a government mandate. So, you're kind of stuck." --Jay Leno
"And a Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill." --Jay Leno
"The gay agenda put another notch in its thick leather crotch harness yesterday. Maine has legalized gay marriage." --Jon Stewart
"Another state legalized same-sex marriage this week. Yesterday the governor of Maine signed a bill legalizing it, and you know what that means? Gay lobsters." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, tomorrow, John Edwards' wife, Elizabeth Edwards, a great woman, is going to be on 'Oprah.' How many of you are going to watch that? How many of would you rather see her beat the crap out of her husband on 'Jerry Springer?'" --Jay Leno
"They taped the show earlier in the week and they've been showing little snippets of it. And when Oprah asks about their marriage, Elizabeth says, 'Neither one of us is out the door.' But believe me. One of them is on the couch." --Jay Leno
"And as if he doesn't have enough problems already, John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here's my question. Why can't we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet? Where is that hush money?" --Jay Leno
"And President Obama held a White House Cinco de Mayo celebration this week, where he honored the Mexican people and he spoke Spanish. See, that shows you how far we've come as a country. Think about this. Where a half Kenyan/American president with an Arabic middle name can speak Spanish to a bunch of English-speaking reporters whose bankrupt newspapers are now owned by the Chinese. See what I'm saying? That's crazy. What a great country." --Jay Leno
"Hey, today, Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marriage and the first gay couple to get married? I was surprised: L.L. Bean and the old Pepperidge Farm guy." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama and Joe Biden made a surprise trip outside the White House yesterday for burgers. Yeah! Obama ordered a cheeseburger and Biden asked for whatever comes with the toy." --Jimmy Fallon
"After they finished the meal, Obama put the duct tape back over Biden's mouth." --Jimmy Fallon
"The government is now recommending that schools stay open even if they have a confirmed case of swine flu. I love it. In one week, the swine flu has gone from the end of the world to not as bad as snow." --Jimmy Fallon
"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson
I’m starting to be somewhat suspicious of the Chinese calendar. 2007 was the Chinese year of the Chicken and what happened? Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia. 2008 was the Chinese year of the Horse and what happened? Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing. 2009 was the Chinese year of the Pig and what happened? Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe. Do you notice a pattern here? Guys, I’m afraid to tell you it's about to get much worse. Prepare yourself now because 2010 is the Chinese year of the Cock!
The ultimate irony - 90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.
And I hope this one didn’t come from my wife….
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
At the nursing home, old Ernie is walking down the hall with his manhood hanging out of his pyjamas. The nurse tells him he shut tuck it back in. He says, ’But my penis died yesterday!” The nurse says, ‘So why do you have it hanging out?’ He says proudly, ‘Today’s the viewing!’
The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!' The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.' 'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had the same procedure done some time ago.' 'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once In a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and se if I can find them. Thanks for telling me." "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'. "Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", "not everybody pays".
A Child's prayer, Very touching!
Dear God, Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer. Amen
Star Trek Humour (In honour of the new movie)
Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?A: Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say "I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're dead, Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?A: TWO: One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all of the credit.
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?A: NONE: Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: What do the Klingons do with the dead bulb?A: Execute it for failure.
Q: What do the Klingons do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?A: Execute him for cowardice.
Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY-ONE: One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000
Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?A: All of them!
Q: What is Captain Picards biggest pet peeve?A: When they replace his dilithium crystals with Folgers crystals.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Dr. McCoy: Dammit Jim!! I'm a doctor not a farmer!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Mr. Spock: Obviously, it was the logical thing to do.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Mr. Data: Why is a barn yard fowl crossing a thoroughfare humorous?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Mr. Worf: For the honor of all chickens.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Counsilor Troi: I knew it was going to happen. I could sense it.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Computer: Insufficient information.
Q: Have you read the book "The Positronic Brain"?A: It's by: Anne Droid
Q: Have you read the book "Damn it Jim"?A: It's by: Ima Doctor and Nada Bricklayer.
Q: Have you read the book "Chekov: The Navigator"?A: It's by: I. Kiptin
Q: What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?A: A croaking device.
Next Life by Woody Allen
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, and then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, and you play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my case.
A seventy-six-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, "poof!" the light goes on. When I'm done, "poof!" the light goes off. "Wow”, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife." Ethel," he says, "Harry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and "poof!", the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, "poof!" the light goes off?" "Oh my God!", Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
A Police Officer stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The Officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Asshole!" Two months later they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?" Officer responds, "Yes sir that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."
Lawyer: "Aggressive and Hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"
In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah then she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Chana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did. They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did. On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?" She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from such a wonderful family!
Oldie Goldie
Sid comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk. Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform. Sid tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1942. He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 55 years old. Weeks later, Sid happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck, a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man. The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop. Sid is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America! Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"
Is there a magic cut-off period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, it's their life, and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do you stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, 'Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
By the time I was fifty, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments. My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my dad's warm smile and his occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?'
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.
Friday Funnies May 8 09
Happy Mother’s Day on Sunday to all you mothers!
A Japanese proverb says that “a father’s goodness is higher than the mountains; a mother’s goodness is deeper than the sea."
George Herbert (1593–1633) says “One good mother is worth a hundred school masters.”
Things my mother taught me:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 'Because I said so, that's why! '
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'
And what if you’d had a Jewish mother? Two of the following actually did have a Jewish Mother (well, maybe three if you count the stories that say Abe Lincoln was of Jewish heritage):
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: 'After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?'
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with the top hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to sleep!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man; midnight is long past your bed-time!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years!"
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER: 'It would have killed you to become a doctor?'
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "At least Monica was a nice Jewish girl!"
From the Farmer’s Almanac, here’s a tribute to Hebe – that’s the Greek goddess of youth and spring, not a slight on the aforementioned Jews.
Hebe’s here, May is here!
The air is fresh and sunny;
And the miser-bees are busy
Hoarding golden honey!
–Thomas Bailey Aldrich (1836–1907)
And now for the late night humour:
"Happy Cinco de Mayo, everybody. Now, do you know the history of Cinco de Mayo? Well, Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexicans driving the French out of Mexico in 1862. See, I am so glad the Mexicans won that one. Imagine if the French had won. Mexico would not only have swine flu, they'd be rude and chain smoking, too." --Jay Leno
"The White House announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts until 2012." --Jay Leno
"And health officials have confirmed the first case of the virus being transmitted from a person to a pig. A farmer has transmitted the virus back to a pig. Scientists say they have not been able to come up with a good explanation on how this happened and neither has the farmer." --Jay Leno
"And up in Canada, Canadian officials are saying that a herd of pigs caught the swine flu from a human. They said the human involved is a pig farmer who recently visited Mexico. Well, good job by the Canadian customs officials catching that one. 'And where did you visit?' 'Mexico.' 'And what is your profession?' 'Pig farmer.' 'I see no problem. Come right in.'" --Jay Leno
"And Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his campaign money. Well, we know what he didn't spend it on — condoms!" --Jay Leno
"No, this is true. A criminal grand jury is now probing whether or not Edwards illegally gave $114,000 from his political action committee to his mistress. Edwards said it was proper use of action committee money because he said, hey, he was getting plenty of action." --Jay Leno
"They say that swine flu is not as potent as they originally thought. You know, like the Yankee pitching staff." --David Letterman
"And Obama, so far, nobody can lay a glove on this guy because he's working so hard and doing a great job. But recently, he accidentally referred to Cinco de Mayo as Cinco de Cuatro. He apologized and said he only knows about 15 words of Spanish. Big deal. George W. Bush only knew about 15 words of English." --David Letterman
"President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That's fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn't it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?" --Craig Ferguson
"This weekend, Time magazine released its list of the world's most influential people. And my good friend Tina Fey is on the list, but so is Sarah Palin. It's weird, isn't it, how those two people are forever connected in a way, right? Two people who are so different yet they look so much alike. It's like me and George Clooney." --Jimmy Fallon
"I just read a new study that shows that obese children are much more likely to develop allergies. But here is the good news -- not food allergies." --Jimmy Fallon
"Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have more Mexicans here than they do there." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama attended an early Cinco de Mayo event at the White House yesterday, but he mistakenly greeted guests with the phrase, Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro, which means five of four. Maybe it's the White House itself that makes people dumb." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, listen to this. The New York Times is now reporting it's possible to catch swine flu from money. They say the virus can live on a $20 bill for more than 10 days. So, not only is the virus contagious, it's also very frugal." --Jay Leno
"It's crazy. First we had mad cow, then we had bird flu, and now we have swine flu. Do we have to check the Chinese horoscope to see what flu is coming next?" --Jay Leno
"And President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno
"And 69-year-old Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he's going to retire next month. Why's he retiring? I mean, he's a senior citizen. What's he going to do? He's going to sit around the house all day in his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the job." --Jay Leno
"Actually, listen to this. Here is some good gossip. I got this off the hotline from Washington. As a replacement for Judge Souter, they say President Obama is looking for a woman, and the rumor is Hillary Clinton is on the short list. Yeah. That's got to be Bill's worst nightmare, huh? A woman who can rule on the death penalty." --Jay Leno
"Well, there are now cases of swine flu in the United States, Canada and Mexico. So, see that? NAFTA does work." --Jay Leno
"I think a lot of people are really overreacting to this whole swine flu thing. Don't you? Come on. Like today at Disney World, they quarantined Sneezy. There was no cause for that." --Jay Leno
"And Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced he is retiring next month. You know who's replacing him? I was surprised. Conan." --Jay Leno
"The Republicans say that Obama's pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable, and they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is." --Bill Maher
"Conservatives, of course, are very nervous about this, for two reasons. One, David Souter was appointed by a Republican, and when he was on the court, became more and more liberal. And they say they will never again allow the appointment of someone who can learn.. --Bill Maher
"Oh, man, Biden did it again. God may have taken away Bush, but by golly, he gave us Joe Biden. You see this today? Joe Biden was on the 'Today' show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don't ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don't think Joe Biden's going to catch swine flu, but it's pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease." --Jay Leno
"During his speech to the nation last night, Obama told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks." --Jay Leno
"You know who's really worried about this swine flu? Kevin Bacon." --Jay Leno
"Actually, you don't want to panic, because the CDC says it's all about prevention. For example, they're now telling people if you do put lipstick on a pig, do not use that same lipstick on yourself." --Jay Leno
"According to one of the news services, U.S. pork producers are now lobbying the United States government to change the name of this swine flu because they say it's bad for business. And, you know, actually, they're right. You cannot catch swine flu from eating pork. Oh, sure, you can get heart disease, obesity and high blood pressure, but not the swine flu." --Jay Leno
"And the big political story, of course, is that 79-year-old Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. We're learning more and more about exactly how this deal went down. In fact, I understand to sweeten the deal, as a signing bonus, the Democrats offered him a Life Alert and a year's supply of Ensure." --Jay Leno
"Arlen Specter has been a Republican for a long time, so it has got to be tough, don't you think? I mean, for years you're lying out of the right side of your mouth, and now suddenly you've got to start lying out the left side of your mouth." --Jay Leno
"Well, actually, other senators are talking about jumping ship as well. There's talk John McCain may go back to the Federalist Party." --Jay Leno
"Thousands of women in Kenya have vowed to withhold sex until their nation's leaders stop their bickering. The women said they got the idea after a recent visit by Hillary Clinton." --Jay Leno
"It's happening more and more. The New Hampshire Senate now has passed a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in New Hampshire. So, New Hampshire could go from the Granite State to the Tasteful Marble Countertop State." --Jay Leno
"New York City is taking every possible precaution to avoid swine flu. For example, I was over at St. Patrick's Cathedral earlier today, lighting a candle, and I happened to notice that they have replaced the holy water with Purell." --David Letterman
"Vice President Joe Biden got himself in a little bit of hot water because earlier on the 'Today' show, he's shooting his mouth off. He's saying that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Joe, listen to this -- the subways weren't safe before swine flu." --David Letterman
"I guess in the world of politics that's very exciting, Specter switching from the Republican Party to the Democrats. But what would be really cool for me is if I could just get my mom to switch from Leno." --David Letterman
"Sports fans are being asked to stay home in Mexico because the flu spreads in large crowds. In New York, they're trying a similar thing at Yankee Stadium by making sure the prices for tickets are so high that no one can afford them." --Jimmy Kimmel
"In business news after receiving billions of dollars in government bailout money, the company Chrysler ended up filing for bankruptcy protection today. Chrysler was founded in 1923 by Walter P. Chrysler, but it really took off under his younger brother, Jesus H. Chrysler, who's I guess like some kind of marketing genius." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, have you all started making your summer vacation plans? I'm not sure what to do this year. I'm stuck between a Somali pirate cruise or a trip to a Mexican pig farm." --Jay Leno
"But, hey, people are very worried about this swine flu epidemic, but the best course of action is prevention. Like, if you go to IHOP and you order the pigs in the blanket, and you notice they're coughing, you don't want to eat that." --Jay Leno
"No, actually, that's a fallacy, too. They said today you cannot get swine flu from eating pork, which, of course, raises the question, so what were these guys doing with the pig?" --Jay Leno
"Seventy-nine-year-old Arlen Specter is now switching to the Democratic Party, which is a big loss for Republicans. You know, when they lose that young blood, it hurts." --Jay Leno
"There's a new restaurant opening in Chicago called Felony Franks, which gives jobs to convicted felons. Yeah, isn't that amazing? Yeah. Imagine that, you could get your meal served to you by a former Illinois governor." --Jay Leno
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Arlen Specter Switched Parties:
10. Heard the Democratic lounge's vending machine had Nutrageous bars.
9. When Barack smiles at you, the room just starts spinning.
8. GOP wouldn't give him the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding.
7. Wanted free video iPod from Obama.
6. Same reason 10 million other Republicans switched parties last November.
5. Uhh, pirates?
4. No #4 -- writer frightened by Air Force One fly-by.
3. It was buried in the fine print when he switched cable providers.
2. Wanted to hang out with a new group of white guys.
1. Well, why wouldn't someone want to be associated with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?
"Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn't return him now if we wanted to." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead of the president. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma, and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?" --Jimmy Kimmel
On the subject of when the U.S.A. would have a black leader, an American I know once told me that when pigs flew the United States would have a black president. Guess what ………..pig’s flu!
Do you hate waiting in line too? Here’s a great way to make the people in front of you disappear. Just take out your cell phone and make an imaginary call, throw in the odd mention of Mexico, vacation and flu and start coughing. Even the pensioner in the wheelchair will get out of your way faster than a Catholic priest tries to get into the choir boy’s pants. As Bruce Dickinson would say I got swine fever and the only cure is more cow bell!
It seems that one Albertan farm worker returned from Mexico and infected his pigs with swine flu! How ironic! But I don’t understand - have Albertans not yet discovered condoms?
As if to support the theory that 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', a group of feminists has broken away from Twitter, the social messaging utility. As an alternative, they have formed a twin service, but for women only! Twitter will be left to the males while the feminine version will become known as Twatter.
A woman visits a fortune teller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked the seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!' The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked? 'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Chutzpah defined:
A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."
Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Revenue Canada office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure Revenue Canada finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!
This is something we should all read at least once a week! Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to WASTE TIME HATING anyone...
4. Your job won't TAKE CARE OF you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. AGREE TO DISAGREE.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR PAST so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their JOURNEY is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. TAKE A DEEP BREATH. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, BEAUTIFUL or JOYFUL.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does MAKE YOU STRONGER.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take “NO” for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. TODAY IS SPECIAL.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. BE ECCENTRIC NOW. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the BRAIN.
25. No one is IN CHARGE OF YOUR HAPPINESS but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. FORGIVE EVERYONE EVERYTHING.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, IT WILL CHANGE.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. MIRACLES ARE WAITING EVERYWHERE.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. THE BEST IS YET TO COME.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44 Yield.
45. LIFE isn't tied with a bow, but IT'S STILL A GIFT."
A Japanese proverb says that “a father’s goodness is higher than the mountains; a mother’s goodness is deeper than the sea."
George Herbert (1593–1633) says “One good mother is worth a hundred school masters.”
Things my mother taught me:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 'Because I said so, that's why! '
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'
And what if you’d had a Jewish mother? Two of the following actually did have a Jewish Mother (well, maybe three if you count the stories that say Abe Lincoln was of Jewish heritage):
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: 'After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?'
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with the top hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to sleep!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man; midnight is long past your bed-time!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years!"
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER: 'It would have killed you to become a doctor?'
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "At least Monica was a nice Jewish girl!"
From the Farmer’s Almanac, here’s a tribute to Hebe – that’s the Greek goddess of youth and spring, not a slight on the aforementioned Jews.
Hebe’s here, May is here!
The air is fresh and sunny;
And the miser-bees are busy
Hoarding golden honey!
–Thomas Bailey Aldrich (1836–1907)
And now for the late night humour:
"Happy Cinco de Mayo, everybody. Now, do you know the history of Cinco de Mayo? Well, Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexicans driving the French out of Mexico in 1862. See, I am so glad the Mexicans won that one. Imagine if the French had won. Mexico would not only have swine flu, they'd be rude and chain smoking, too." --Jay Leno
"The White House announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts until 2012." --Jay Leno
"And health officials have confirmed the first case of the virus being transmitted from a person to a pig. A farmer has transmitted the virus back to a pig. Scientists say they have not been able to come up with a good explanation on how this happened and neither has the farmer." --Jay Leno
"And up in Canada, Canadian officials are saying that a herd of pigs caught the swine flu from a human. They said the human involved is a pig farmer who recently visited Mexico. Well, good job by the Canadian customs officials catching that one. 'And where did you visit?' 'Mexico.' 'And what is your profession?' 'Pig farmer.' 'I see no problem. Come right in.'" --Jay Leno
"And Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his campaign money. Well, we know what he didn't spend it on — condoms!" --Jay Leno
"No, this is true. A criminal grand jury is now probing whether or not Edwards illegally gave $114,000 from his political action committee to his mistress. Edwards said it was proper use of action committee money because he said, hey, he was getting plenty of action." --Jay Leno
"They say that swine flu is not as potent as they originally thought. You know, like the Yankee pitching staff." --David Letterman
"And Obama, so far, nobody can lay a glove on this guy because he's working so hard and doing a great job. But recently, he accidentally referred to Cinco de Mayo as Cinco de Cuatro. He apologized and said he only knows about 15 words of Spanish. Big deal. George W. Bush only knew about 15 words of English." --David Letterman
"President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That's fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn't it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?" --Craig Ferguson
"This weekend, Time magazine released its list of the world's most influential people. And my good friend Tina Fey is on the list, but so is Sarah Palin. It's weird, isn't it, how those two people are forever connected in a way, right? Two people who are so different yet they look so much alike. It's like me and George Clooney." --Jimmy Fallon
"I just read a new study that shows that obese children are much more likely to develop allergies. But here is the good news -- not food allergies." --Jimmy Fallon
"Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have more Mexicans here than they do there." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama attended an early Cinco de Mayo event at the White House yesterday, but he mistakenly greeted guests with the phrase, Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro, which means five of four. Maybe it's the White House itself that makes people dumb." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, listen to this. The New York Times is now reporting it's possible to catch swine flu from money. They say the virus can live on a $20 bill for more than 10 days. So, not only is the virus contagious, it's also very frugal." --Jay Leno
"It's crazy. First we had mad cow, then we had bird flu, and now we have swine flu. Do we have to check the Chinese horoscope to see what flu is coming next?" --Jay Leno
"And President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno
"And 69-year-old Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he's going to retire next month. Why's he retiring? I mean, he's a senior citizen. What's he going to do? He's going to sit around the house all day in his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the job." --Jay Leno
"Actually, listen to this. Here is some good gossip. I got this off the hotline from Washington. As a replacement for Judge Souter, they say President Obama is looking for a woman, and the rumor is Hillary Clinton is on the short list. Yeah. That's got to be Bill's worst nightmare, huh? A woman who can rule on the death penalty." --Jay Leno
"Well, there are now cases of swine flu in the United States, Canada and Mexico. So, see that? NAFTA does work." --Jay Leno
"I think a lot of people are really overreacting to this whole swine flu thing. Don't you? Come on. Like today at Disney World, they quarantined Sneezy. There was no cause for that." --Jay Leno
"And Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced he is retiring next month. You know who's replacing him? I was surprised. Conan." --Jay Leno
"The Republicans say that Obama's pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable, and they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is." --Bill Maher
"Conservatives, of course, are very nervous about this, for two reasons. One, David Souter was appointed by a Republican, and when he was on the court, became more and more liberal. And they say they will never again allow the appointment of someone who can learn.. --Bill Maher
"Oh, man, Biden did it again. God may have taken away Bush, but by golly, he gave us Joe Biden. You see this today? Joe Biden was on the 'Today' show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don't ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don't think Joe Biden's going to catch swine flu, but it's pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease." --Jay Leno
"During his speech to the nation last night, Obama told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks." --Jay Leno
"You know who's really worried about this swine flu? Kevin Bacon." --Jay Leno
"Actually, you don't want to panic, because the CDC says it's all about prevention. For example, they're now telling people if you do put lipstick on a pig, do not use that same lipstick on yourself." --Jay Leno
"According to one of the news services, U.S. pork producers are now lobbying the United States government to change the name of this swine flu because they say it's bad for business. And, you know, actually, they're right. You cannot catch swine flu from eating pork. Oh, sure, you can get heart disease, obesity and high blood pressure, but not the swine flu." --Jay Leno
"And the big political story, of course, is that 79-year-old Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. We're learning more and more about exactly how this deal went down. In fact, I understand to sweeten the deal, as a signing bonus, the Democrats offered him a Life Alert and a year's supply of Ensure." --Jay Leno
"Arlen Specter has been a Republican for a long time, so it has got to be tough, don't you think? I mean, for years you're lying out of the right side of your mouth, and now suddenly you've got to start lying out the left side of your mouth." --Jay Leno
"Well, actually, other senators are talking about jumping ship as well. There's talk John McCain may go back to the Federalist Party." --Jay Leno
"Thousands of women in Kenya have vowed to withhold sex until their nation's leaders stop their bickering. The women said they got the idea after a recent visit by Hillary Clinton." --Jay Leno
"It's happening more and more. The New Hampshire Senate now has passed a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in New Hampshire. So, New Hampshire could go from the Granite State to the Tasteful Marble Countertop State." --Jay Leno
"New York City is taking every possible precaution to avoid swine flu. For example, I was over at St. Patrick's Cathedral earlier today, lighting a candle, and I happened to notice that they have replaced the holy water with Purell." --David Letterman
"Vice President Joe Biden got himself in a little bit of hot water because earlier on the 'Today' show, he's shooting his mouth off. He's saying that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Joe, listen to this -- the subways weren't safe before swine flu." --David Letterman
"I guess in the world of politics that's very exciting, Specter switching from the Republican Party to the Democrats. But what would be really cool for me is if I could just get my mom to switch from Leno." --David Letterman
"Sports fans are being asked to stay home in Mexico because the flu spreads in large crowds. In New York, they're trying a similar thing at Yankee Stadium by making sure the prices for tickets are so high that no one can afford them." --Jimmy Kimmel
"In business news after receiving billions of dollars in government bailout money, the company Chrysler ended up filing for bankruptcy protection today. Chrysler was founded in 1923 by Walter P. Chrysler, but it really took off under his younger brother, Jesus H. Chrysler, who's I guess like some kind of marketing genius." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, have you all started making your summer vacation plans? I'm not sure what to do this year. I'm stuck between a Somali pirate cruise or a trip to a Mexican pig farm." --Jay Leno
"But, hey, people are very worried about this swine flu epidemic, but the best course of action is prevention. Like, if you go to IHOP and you order the pigs in the blanket, and you notice they're coughing, you don't want to eat that." --Jay Leno
"No, actually, that's a fallacy, too. They said today you cannot get swine flu from eating pork, which, of course, raises the question, so what were these guys doing with the pig?" --Jay Leno
"Seventy-nine-year-old Arlen Specter is now switching to the Democratic Party, which is a big loss for Republicans. You know, when they lose that young blood, it hurts." --Jay Leno
"There's a new restaurant opening in Chicago called Felony Franks, which gives jobs to convicted felons. Yeah, isn't that amazing? Yeah. Imagine that, you could get your meal served to you by a former Illinois governor." --Jay Leno
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Arlen Specter Switched Parties:
10. Heard the Democratic lounge's vending machine had Nutrageous bars.
9. When Barack smiles at you, the room just starts spinning.
8. GOP wouldn't give him the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding.
7. Wanted free video iPod from Obama.
6. Same reason 10 million other Republicans switched parties last November.
5. Uhh, pirates?
4. No #4 -- writer frightened by Air Force One fly-by.
3. It was buried in the fine print when he switched cable providers.
2. Wanted to hang out with a new group of white guys.
1. Well, why wouldn't someone want to be associated with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?
"Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn't return him now if we wanted to." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead of the president. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma, and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?" --Jimmy Kimmel
On the subject of when the U.S.A. would have a black leader, an American I know once told me that when pigs flew the United States would have a black president. Guess what ………..pig’s flu!
Do you hate waiting in line too? Here’s a great way to make the people in front of you disappear. Just take out your cell phone and make an imaginary call, throw in the odd mention of Mexico, vacation and flu and start coughing. Even the pensioner in the wheelchair will get out of your way faster than a Catholic priest tries to get into the choir boy’s pants. As Bruce Dickinson would say I got swine fever and the only cure is more cow bell!
It seems that one Albertan farm worker returned from Mexico and infected his pigs with swine flu! How ironic! But I don’t understand - have Albertans not yet discovered condoms?
As if to support the theory that 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', a group of feminists has broken away from Twitter, the social messaging utility. As an alternative, they have formed a twin service, but for women only! Twitter will be left to the males while the feminine version will become known as Twatter.
A woman visits a fortune teller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked the seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!' The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked? 'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Chutzpah defined:
A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."
Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Revenue Canada office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure Revenue Canada finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!
This is something we should all read at least once a week! Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to WASTE TIME HATING anyone...
4. Your job won't TAKE CARE OF you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. AGREE TO DISAGREE.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR PAST so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their JOURNEY is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. TAKE A DEEP BREATH. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, BEAUTIFUL or JOYFUL.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does MAKE YOU STRONGER.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take “NO” for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. TODAY IS SPECIAL.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. BE ECCENTRIC NOW. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the BRAIN.
25. No one is IN CHARGE OF YOUR HAPPINESS but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. FORGIVE EVERYONE EVERYTHING.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, IT WILL CHANGE.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. MIRACLES ARE WAITING EVERYWHERE.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. THE BEST IS YET TO COME.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44 Yield.
45. LIFE isn't tied with a bow, but IT'S STILL A GIFT."
Friday Funnies May 1 09
Happy May Day to all!
"And in a move that has stunned Washington, D.C., longtime Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. He is the first Republican senator to switch teams since Senator Larry Craig, I guess." --Jay Leno
"As you know, a big holiday is coming next week here in Los Angeles and Mexico: Sicko de Mayo." --Jay Leno
"To help contain the spread of the disease, the U.S. government is trying to discourage Mexicans from coming into the United States, which is pretty much what they have been doing for like the last 40 years. So that plan doesn't work." --Jimmy Kimmel
"They traced the origin of the new strain of swine flu back to one little piggy who went to market when he should have stayed home." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Someone at the White House made a big mistake yesterday. They flew Air Force One right over the city of New York, which scared the hell out of a lot of people. Thousands of people panicked. Some of them even evacuated their office buildings, and it was all because they wanted to get a picture of the President's plane next to the Statue of the Liberty. We have the first president ever who can use Facebook, but his staff does not know how to use Photoshop." --Jimmy Kimmel
"This is, I mean, this is exciting. Air Force One was in New York City and apparently nobody knew. They didn't make the call. Hello! Air Force One comes to New York City and wants to take some pictures. They send it right up and start buzzing New York City. I mean, isn't this something you would expect from the Bush Administration?" --David Letterman
"So, they fly Air Force One up here and take a photo of it at the Statue of Liberty. Next, the Bronx Zoo. Plane had its picture taken at the Bronx Zoo. After that, it went to Yankee Stadium and had its picture taken there. And guess what, ladies and gentlemen? It's here tonight. How about a nice hand for Air Force One? It's here." --David Letterman
"President Obama is now saying that the flyover was a mistake. If you're scoring at home, by the way, Obama still trails Bush in the mistake total by about 10,000. So we're okay." --David Letterman
"By the way, tomorrow, I believe, marks 100 days for President Obama in office as the leader of the free world. Meanwhile, to give you an idea what else is going on, today, John McCain was waxing his Pontiac." --David Letterman
"Hey, did you hear about Arlen Specter, the senator? He left the Republican Party and became a Democrat. What?! It's very odd, to switch teams like this. Who does he think he is, Lindsay Lohan?" --Craig Ferguson
"Great to be back. As you know, I was sick for two days last week. Had to go to the hospital after I ate a raw pig a friend brought back from Mexico." --Jay Leno
"But you learn a lot about the system. You know, like, people say, 'Oh, where do hospitals get the nerve to charge $10 for an aspirin?' See, this is why President Obama wants to do something about healthcare in this country. See, under his plan, hospital aspirin only costs a dollar maximum. Of course, there would be a $9 tax on it." --Jay Leno
"I wasn't that sick, but some people are, because of this swine flu, which has knocked the torture stuff right off the front page. You notice that? So, it's obvious who is spreading the swine flu. Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno
"Well, it's interesting. They call it swine flu because they think it originated either with pigs or an AIG executive." --Jay Leno
"Next month in Canada, former President George W. Bush and former President Bill Clinton will have a debate. They're gonna debate each other. The topic will be, 'which is better, getting in bed with big oil or big women?" --Jay Leno
"I tell you, the economy is so bad, third graders in China are being forced to get second jobs." --Jay Leno "GM is phasing out Pontiac. You know what that means? Another $20 million bonus for the head of GM" --David Letterman
"We're getting close to President Obama's first 100 days in office, and he has had to deal with a lot of trouble, including a global financial crisis, pirates, and swine flu. Plus, Obama's got a live-in mother-in-law. I'm telling you, this guy cannot catch a break." --David Letterman
"I think this is a first for President Obama. This weekend he played golf. President Obama apparently, and at one point, and this happens, you know, you play golf, he got stuck really deep in a sand trap. Same thing happened to George Bush, and it's called Iraq." --David Letterman
"Now, here's the difference between President Obama and our previous Democratic president, President Clinton. President Obama enjoyed playing a round of golf. President Clinton just enjoyed playing around." --David Letterman
"I was surprised. Obama is a pretty good golfer. And he missed a couple of putts, or he would have broken 90. Could have broken 90. Missed a couple of putts. Speaking of a couple of putz, anybody hear anything of Bush and Cheney?" --David Letterman
"Yesterday President Obama hauled in the presidents of the credit card companies and said the days of tricky fine print and sudden rate increases and late fees are over. And he also demanded to know what kind of screwed up, cracker name was MasterCard." --Bill Maher
"Unemployment is continually rising, foreclosures are through the roof. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, 'If this van's a-rockin', it's because we live here now.'" --Bill Maher
"Are you ready for the next outbreak that isn't really going to happen, but sounds really scary, so the media's freaking out? Swine flu. Have you heard that? Yes, apparently swine flu has appeared in the U.S. This particular virus started in Mexico, and spread from pigs to humans. Probably during spring break. I'm sorry, have I offended pigs? I apologize." --Bill Maher
"It's interesting how the progression changes with the Republicans. First, when they talked about torture, it was, 'Well, there's just a few bad apples.' Then it was, 'Okay, we did it a couple of times.' Then it was not really torture, and now, it works." --Bill Maher
"They first said they tortured this Khaled Sheikh Mohammed -- and by the way, if there's anyone who deserved it, it was him -- but first they said they did it once. Now it comes out 183 times that they waterboarded this motherfucker in a month. This comes out to six times in a day. I would think after that, you get used to it. He was showing up at his torture sessions in flip flops and a beach towel, with a Danielle Steele novel. 'Would you like sparkling or flat waterboarding today, sir?'" --Bill Maher
"No, it is fun watching the Republicans trying to defend torture, because they insist that what's wrong with the Democrats on this issue is they don't get what it's like in the 'real world.' And, to prove it, they cite Jack Bauer, a character from a television show." --Bill Maher
"Dick Cheney is all over television defending this. He said yesterday, he would be happy to undergo waterboarding himself, but his heart might rust." --Bill Maher
"Dick Cheney is claiming torture works. And he says it's okay that we do this, because it worked. Yes, it was ugly, but eventually what came out was good. Like Susan Boyle." --Bill Maher
"Yesterday was 'Take Your Kid to Work Day.' It used to be 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day,' but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids – 'Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.' This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear." --Jimmy Kimmel
"In economic news, ExxonMobil's profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs." --David Letterman
"Here's a name out of the past. He used to be governor of the state of New York. Eliot Spitzer, does that ring a bell? Listen to this, according to a new poll, two out of three New Yorkers would like to have Spitzer back as their governor. I mean sure, two out of three New Yorkers are hookers." --David Letterman
"The people of New York liked Governor Spitzer. I mean, the guy had a reputation for being on top of everything." --David Letterman
"Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure." --Jon Stewart
"Well, Happy Earth Day, everybody. Yes. Today is Earth Day, or as the oil companies call it, Wednesday." --Jay Leno
"Hey, I thought this was nice. To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden's head." --Jay Leno
"Even Dick Cheney was into Earth Day. Did you see what he said today? He called for the use of only recycled water when waterboarding prisoners." --Jay Leno
"Well, here's an interesting study. Researchers in Britain announced today that global warming is caused in part by overweight people. They say obese people release more carbon dioxide into the air. No, this is real. This is real. See, all this time you used to think it was caused by coal-burning factories. Turns out it was Cheesecake Factories." --Jay Leno
"Next month in Toronto, Canada, former President George W. Bush will debate former President Bill Clinton. The question of the debate -- is it worse to lie to your wife or lie to the entire country?" --Jay Leno
"No, this is big. They're billing the debate as 'the corn dog versus the horn dog.'" --Jay Leno
"During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that." --Jay Leno
"The Justice Department says they want to make an example of this Somali pirate guy. And I thought, really? In terms of making an example, I don't think you can do much better than shooting the other three guys in the head." --David Letterman
"Do you remember Eliot Spitzer, who was governor of New York? He had to stop being the governor of New York because he enjoyed prostitutes. Well, now, he's talking about running again for governor in 2010. He also said he's looking forward to spending less time with his family." --David Letterman
"Even Eliot Spitzer is all excited about Earth Day. He was on the West Side Highway picking up trash earlier today. I believe her name was Rhonda." --David Letterman
"Happy Earth Day. You know, as a kid, every Earth Day I used to wake up and run down the stairs in my footie pajamas to see what Al Gore brought us. It was just so fun. 'Look sis, it’s one of those dark brown Seventh Generation paper towels. Yeah, I love those.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Happy Earth Day to everyone. President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous plane to Iowa today to visit a wind power plant. There was a huge crowd on hand to greet him, partly to hear him talk about the importance of reducing our dependency on fossil fuels and partly to show their kids what a black person looks like." --Jimmy Kimmel
Is it going to rain? Here is age-old weather lore from the Farmer’s Almanac to help judge whether rain is on its way.
Bustle in the anthills and noisy chickens foretell rain.
If red the Sun begins his race, be sure that rain will fall apace.
Swallows fly high: clear blue sky;
Swallows fly low: rain we shall know.
A pale full Moon indicates rain, while a red one brings wind.
Crow on the fence, rain will go hence.
Crow on the ground, rain will come down.
Shepherd's Barometer: Or certain rules to judge the weather, grounded on 50 years' experience and observations by an ancient English shepherd, 1812.
If the sun rises red and fiery, it certainly betokens more or less wind or rain. This observation agrees with the old English rule: If red the sun begins his race, be sure that rain will fall apace.
If cloudy at sunrising, and it so decreases, it is a certain sign of fair weather, agreeable to this is an observation of Pliny's, in his Natural History, which says: If at sunrising the clouds are driven away and retire as it were to the west, it denotes fair weather. There is an old proverb to this purpose, which also deserves our notice: A red evening and a grey morning set the pilgrim a-walking.
Little round clouds like a dapple grey, and at the same time a north wind blows, denote fair weather for a few days.
If the sun be surrounded with an iris, or circle of white clouds, and they equally fly away, 'tis a sign of fair weather.
And this old English proverb is often right:
In the decay of the moon, a cloudy morning bodes a fair afternoon.
If the weather be hazy, and the wind falls away, and small clouds increase, depend on much rain, and that soon.
When mists rise in low ground and soon vanish, nothing is a surer sign of fair weather; when they are heavy, rise slowly, and keep visible on the hilltops, they soon fall down in rain, which, however, seldom lasts long.
A mist in the morning, before sunrising, and at or about the full of the moon, betides fair weather; if mists appear in the new moon, you may depend on more or less rain in the old; and when they arise in the old, there is generally rain in the new.
If the wind shifts from the north to the south in a few days without rain and turns north again with rain, returns to the south in one or two days, and so on for two or three keeps shifting, it will afterwards fix south or west two months or more.
In summer, or autumn, when the wind has been in the south two or three days, and the weather very hot, and the clouds rise one above another with white tops, like battlements of a tower, and joined together, and black on the hills, depend on thunder and rain very speedily.
You may sometimes see two clouds, one to the left, another to the right, which denote a sudden shower. When clouds float in a serene sky, you may expect winds, and if they rise from the south, depend on rain; if you see them driving at sunset, come from what quarter they will, depend on a tempest approaching.
Clouds that have a dusky hue and move slowly are laden with hail; if they have a blue cast, with large hail; if yellow, small.
The faster it rains, the sooner it will be over, and sudden rains never last long. But when the air grows thick, and the sun, moon, and stars shine dim, then it is likely to rain six hours successively.
When it rains an hour or two before sunrising, it generally clears before noon and continues so the whole day; if the rain sets in an hour or two after sunrising, it generally rains all day, unless the rainbow appears a little before the rain begins, and then it seldom lasts long.
When October and November are warm and rainy, January and February are frosty and cold; but if October and November be snow and frost, then January and February are open and mild.
Actually, from my experience of over four months total in Great Britain, don’t bother checking if the sky is red or cloudy in the morning – just take a bloody Mac and brolly along! And a pair of Wellies in the boot wouldn’t hurt either!
So, should we be walking—or running—in the rain? A report in the Seattle Times revealed that you’d actually be catching more water per second if you ran instead of walked 200 yards! Running, however, cuts in half the time you’d be in the rain. So, the short answer is: Run for it. Singing is, of course, perfectly fine in either case!
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
The Barman's Prayer
Our lager,Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy hops.
Thou will be drunk,And I will be drunk,
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The Ale,
The Bitter and The Lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen
Two friends were just about to tee off on the first hole at their local golf course when another man, carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up." "Sure," they said, "You're more than welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way through the course, one of the friends turned to the newcomer and said, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was his reply. "You're joking!" was their response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, he pulled out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked, too! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then my neighbour, he's still a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man grabbed the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen." “What's your name?" He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer Stun Gun for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!
ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE - written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......
I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' Makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned..... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... Those opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
Let's play: So you wouldn't mind being a Kosher Millionaire.
For $500 - Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider? - NetanYahoo.
For $1,000 - What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women? - Oil of Oy Vey.
For $2,000 - What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women? - Debbie Does Dishes.
For $4,000 - What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish Woman? - The "Plaintiff."
For $8,000 - How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates? - "Your Mother pays retail."
For $16,000 - In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human? - When it graduates from medical school.
For $32,000 - What does a Jewish women do to keep her hands soft and her nails long and beautiful? - Nothing, she does nothing at all.
For $64,000 - Define "Genius". - A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
For $125,000 - What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage? - Genghis Cohen.
For $250,000 - Why did the Moyel retire? - He just couldn't cut it anymore.
For $500,000 - If Tarzan and Jane where Jewish, what would Cheetah be? - A fur coat.
For $1,000,000 - What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother? - 10 lbs
"And in a move that has stunned Washington, D.C., longtime Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. He is the first Republican senator to switch teams since Senator Larry Craig, I guess." --Jay Leno
"As you know, a big holiday is coming next week here in Los Angeles and Mexico: Sicko de Mayo." --Jay Leno
"To help contain the spread of the disease, the U.S. government is trying to discourage Mexicans from coming into the United States, which is pretty much what they have been doing for like the last 40 years. So that plan doesn't work." --Jimmy Kimmel
"They traced the origin of the new strain of swine flu back to one little piggy who went to market when he should have stayed home." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Someone at the White House made a big mistake yesterday. They flew Air Force One right over the city of New York, which scared the hell out of a lot of people. Thousands of people panicked. Some of them even evacuated their office buildings, and it was all because they wanted to get a picture of the President's plane next to the Statue of the Liberty. We have the first president ever who can use Facebook, but his staff does not know how to use Photoshop." --Jimmy Kimmel
"This is, I mean, this is exciting. Air Force One was in New York City and apparently nobody knew. They didn't make the call. Hello! Air Force One comes to New York City and wants to take some pictures. They send it right up and start buzzing New York City. I mean, isn't this something you would expect from the Bush Administration?" --David Letterman
"So, they fly Air Force One up here and take a photo of it at the Statue of Liberty. Next, the Bronx Zoo. Plane had its picture taken at the Bronx Zoo. After that, it went to Yankee Stadium and had its picture taken there. And guess what, ladies and gentlemen? It's here tonight. How about a nice hand for Air Force One? It's here." --David Letterman
"President Obama is now saying that the flyover was a mistake. If you're scoring at home, by the way, Obama still trails Bush in the mistake total by about 10,000. So we're okay." --David Letterman
"By the way, tomorrow, I believe, marks 100 days for President Obama in office as the leader of the free world. Meanwhile, to give you an idea what else is going on, today, John McCain was waxing his Pontiac." --David Letterman
"Hey, did you hear about Arlen Specter, the senator? He left the Republican Party and became a Democrat. What?! It's very odd, to switch teams like this. Who does he think he is, Lindsay Lohan?" --Craig Ferguson
"Great to be back. As you know, I was sick for two days last week. Had to go to the hospital after I ate a raw pig a friend brought back from Mexico." --Jay Leno
"But you learn a lot about the system. You know, like, people say, 'Oh, where do hospitals get the nerve to charge $10 for an aspirin?' See, this is why President Obama wants to do something about healthcare in this country. See, under his plan, hospital aspirin only costs a dollar maximum. Of course, there would be a $9 tax on it." --Jay Leno
"I wasn't that sick, but some people are, because of this swine flu, which has knocked the torture stuff right off the front page. You notice that? So, it's obvious who is spreading the swine flu. Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno
"Well, it's interesting. They call it swine flu because they think it originated either with pigs or an AIG executive." --Jay Leno
"Next month in Canada, former President George W. Bush and former President Bill Clinton will have a debate. They're gonna debate each other. The topic will be, 'which is better, getting in bed with big oil or big women?" --Jay Leno
"I tell you, the economy is so bad, third graders in China are being forced to get second jobs." --Jay Leno "GM is phasing out Pontiac. You know what that means? Another $20 million bonus for the head of GM" --David Letterman
"We're getting close to President Obama's first 100 days in office, and he has had to deal with a lot of trouble, including a global financial crisis, pirates, and swine flu. Plus, Obama's got a live-in mother-in-law. I'm telling you, this guy cannot catch a break." --David Letterman
"I think this is a first for President Obama. This weekend he played golf. President Obama apparently, and at one point, and this happens, you know, you play golf, he got stuck really deep in a sand trap. Same thing happened to George Bush, and it's called Iraq." --David Letterman
"Now, here's the difference between President Obama and our previous Democratic president, President Clinton. President Obama enjoyed playing a round of golf. President Clinton just enjoyed playing around." --David Letterman
"I was surprised. Obama is a pretty good golfer. And he missed a couple of putts, or he would have broken 90. Could have broken 90. Missed a couple of putts. Speaking of a couple of putz, anybody hear anything of Bush and Cheney?" --David Letterman
"Yesterday President Obama hauled in the presidents of the credit card companies and said the days of tricky fine print and sudden rate increases and late fees are over. And he also demanded to know what kind of screwed up, cracker name was MasterCard." --Bill Maher
"Unemployment is continually rising, foreclosures are through the roof. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, 'If this van's a-rockin', it's because we live here now.'" --Bill Maher
"Are you ready for the next outbreak that isn't really going to happen, but sounds really scary, so the media's freaking out? Swine flu. Have you heard that? Yes, apparently swine flu has appeared in the U.S. This particular virus started in Mexico, and spread from pigs to humans. Probably during spring break. I'm sorry, have I offended pigs? I apologize." --Bill Maher
"It's interesting how the progression changes with the Republicans. First, when they talked about torture, it was, 'Well, there's just a few bad apples.' Then it was, 'Okay, we did it a couple of times.' Then it was not really torture, and now, it works." --Bill Maher
"They first said they tortured this Khaled Sheikh Mohammed -- and by the way, if there's anyone who deserved it, it was him -- but first they said they did it once. Now it comes out 183 times that they waterboarded this motherfucker in a month. This comes out to six times in a day. I would think after that, you get used to it. He was showing up at his torture sessions in flip flops and a beach towel, with a Danielle Steele novel. 'Would you like sparkling or flat waterboarding today, sir?'" --Bill Maher
"No, it is fun watching the Republicans trying to defend torture, because they insist that what's wrong with the Democrats on this issue is they don't get what it's like in the 'real world.' And, to prove it, they cite Jack Bauer, a character from a television show." --Bill Maher
"Dick Cheney is all over television defending this. He said yesterday, he would be happy to undergo waterboarding himself, but his heart might rust." --Bill Maher
"Dick Cheney is claiming torture works. And he says it's okay that we do this, because it worked. Yes, it was ugly, but eventually what came out was good. Like Susan Boyle." --Bill Maher
"Yesterday was 'Take Your Kid to Work Day.' It used to be 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day,' but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids – 'Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.' This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear." --Jimmy Kimmel
"In economic news, ExxonMobil's profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs." --David Letterman
"Here's a name out of the past. He used to be governor of the state of New York. Eliot Spitzer, does that ring a bell? Listen to this, according to a new poll, two out of three New Yorkers would like to have Spitzer back as their governor. I mean sure, two out of three New Yorkers are hookers." --David Letterman
"The people of New York liked Governor Spitzer. I mean, the guy had a reputation for being on top of everything." --David Letterman
"Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure." --Jon Stewart
"Well, Happy Earth Day, everybody. Yes. Today is Earth Day, or as the oil companies call it, Wednesday." --Jay Leno
"Hey, I thought this was nice. To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden's head." --Jay Leno
"Even Dick Cheney was into Earth Day. Did you see what he said today? He called for the use of only recycled water when waterboarding prisoners." --Jay Leno
"Well, here's an interesting study. Researchers in Britain announced today that global warming is caused in part by overweight people. They say obese people release more carbon dioxide into the air. No, this is real. This is real. See, all this time you used to think it was caused by coal-burning factories. Turns out it was Cheesecake Factories." --Jay Leno
"Next month in Toronto, Canada, former President George W. Bush will debate former President Bill Clinton. The question of the debate -- is it worse to lie to your wife or lie to the entire country?" --Jay Leno
"No, this is big. They're billing the debate as 'the corn dog versus the horn dog.'" --Jay Leno
"During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that." --Jay Leno
"The Justice Department says they want to make an example of this Somali pirate guy. And I thought, really? In terms of making an example, I don't think you can do much better than shooting the other three guys in the head." --David Letterman
"Do you remember Eliot Spitzer, who was governor of New York? He had to stop being the governor of New York because he enjoyed prostitutes. Well, now, he's talking about running again for governor in 2010. He also said he's looking forward to spending less time with his family." --David Letterman
"Even Eliot Spitzer is all excited about Earth Day. He was on the West Side Highway picking up trash earlier today. I believe her name was Rhonda." --David Letterman
"Happy Earth Day. You know, as a kid, every Earth Day I used to wake up and run down the stairs in my footie pajamas to see what Al Gore brought us. It was just so fun. 'Look sis, it’s one of those dark brown Seventh Generation paper towels. Yeah, I love those.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Happy Earth Day to everyone. President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous plane to Iowa today to visit a wind power plant. There was a huge crowd on hand to greet him, partly to hear him talk about the importance of reducing our dependency on fossil fuels and partly to show their kids what a black person looks like." --Jimmy Kimmel
Is it going to rain? Here is age-old weather lore from the Farmer’s Almanac to help judge whether rain is on its way.
Bustle in the anthills and noisy chickens foretell rain.
If red the Sun begins his race, be sure that rain will fall apace.
Swallows fly high: clear blue sky;
Swallows fly low: rain we shall know.
A pale full Moon indicates rain, while a red one brings wind.
Crow on the fence, rain will go hence.
Crow on the ground, rain will come down.
Shepherd's Barometer: Or certain rules to judge the weather, grounded on 50 years' experience and observations by an ancient English shepherd, 1812.
If the sun rises red and fiery, it certainly betokens more or less wind or rain. This observation agrees with the old English rule: If red the sun begins his race, be sure that rain will fall apace.
If cloudy at sunrising, and it so decreases, it is a certain sign of fair weather, agreeable to this is an observation of Pliny's, in his Natural History, which says: If at sunrising the clouds are driven away and retire as it were to the west, it denotes fair weather. There is an old proverb to this purpose, which also deserves our notice: A red evening and a grey morning set the pilgrim a-walking.
Little round clouds like a dapple grey, and at the same time a north wind blows, denote fair weather for a few days.
If the sun be surrounded with an iris, or circle of white clouds, and they equally fly away, 'tis a sign of fair weather.
And this old English proverb is often right:
In the decay of the moon, a cloudy morning bodes a fair afternoon.
If the weather be hazy, and the wind falls away, and small clouds increase, depend on much rain, and that soon.
When mists rise in low ground and soon vanish, nothing is a surer sign of fair weather; when they are heavy, rise slowly, and keep visible on the hilltops, they soon fall down in rain, which, however, seldom lasts long.
A mist in the morning, before sunrising, and at or about the full of the moon, betides fair weather; if mists appear in the new moon, you may depend on more or less rain in the old; and when they arise in the old, there is generally rain in the new.
If the wind shifts from the north to the south in a few days without rain and turns north again with rain, returns to the south in one or two days, and so on for two or three keeps shifting, it will afterwards fix south or west two months or more.
In summer, or autumn, when the wind has been in the south two or three days, and the weather very hot, and the clouds rise one above another with white tops, like battlements of a tower, and joined together, and black on the hills, depend on thunder and rain very speedily.
You may sometimes see two clouds, one to the left, another to the right, which denote a sudden shower. When clouds float in a serene sky, you may expect winds, and if they rise from the south, depend on rain; if you see them driving at sunset, come from what quarter they will, depend on a tempest approaching.
Clouds that have a dusky hue and move slowly are laden with hail; if they have a blue cast, with large hail; if yellow, small.
The faster it rains, the sooner it will be over, and sudden rains never last long. But when the air grows thick, and the sun, moon, and stars shine dim, then it is likely to rain six hours successively.
When it rains an hour or two before sunrising, it generally clears before noon and continues so the whole day; if the rain sets in an hour or two after sunrising, it generally rains all day, unless the rainbow appears a little before the rain begins, and then it seldom lasts long.
When October and November are warm and rainy, January and February are frosty and cold; but if October and November be snow and frost, then January and February are open and mild.
Actually, from my experience of over four months total in Great Britain, don’t bother checking if the sky is red or cloudy in the morning – just take a bloody Mac and brolly along! And a pair of Wellies in the boot wouldn’t hurt either!
So, should we be walking—or running—in the rain? A report in the Seattle Times revealed that you’d actually be catching more water per second if you ran instead of walked 200 yards! Running, however, cuts in half the time you’d be in the rain. So, the short answer is: Run for it. Singing is, of course, perfectly fine in either case!
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
The Barman's Prayer
Our lager,Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy hops.
Thou will be drunk,And I will be drunk,
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The Ale,
The Bitter and The Lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen
Two friends were just about to tee off on the first hole at their local golf course when another man, carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up." "Sure," they said, "You're more than welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way through the course, one of the friends turned to the newcomer and said, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was his reply. "You're joking!" was their response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, he pulled out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked, too! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then my neighbour, he's still a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man grabbed the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen." “What's your name?" He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer Stun Gun for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!
ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE - written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......
I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' Makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned..... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... Those opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
Let's play: So you wouldn't mind being a Kosher Millionaire.
For $500 - Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider? - NetanYahoo.
For $1,000 - What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women? - Oil of Oy Vey.
For $2,000 - What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women? - Debbie Does Dishes.
For $4,000 - What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish Woman? - The "Plaintiff."
For $8,000 - How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates? - "Your Mother pays retail."
For $16,000 - In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human? - When it graduates from medical school.
For $32,000 - What does a Jewish women do to keep her hands soft and her nails long and beautiful? - Nothing, she does nothing at all.
For $64,000 - Define "Genius". - A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
For $125,000 - What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage? - Genghis Cohen.
For $250,000 - Why did the Moyel retire? - He just couldn't cut it anymore.
For $500,000 - If Tarzan and Jane where Jewish, what would Cheetah be? - A fur coat.
For $1,000,000 - What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother? - 10 lbs
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